Life
So today was the second of july and what a better day to have fire works on
started out sweet day though getting paid to sit in a parking lot for an hour and a half with shaun
and not to mention sitting there and watching him beat the living piss out of his car all while hes telling me hes going to be tradeing it in neways so it dont matter
but i realized something today no matter how much i will try to quit drugs or nething like that i also realize that the place in my life for them is at the moment not some 10 years down the road when i need to be responsible cause i will hopefuly have someone i love and who loves me and that is the only anti drug i could ever need(this will be a person who doesnt mind me doing it encouriges it in fact but secretivly would rather see me not messed up at all) all this will happen in a way where i wont need to do nething cause i will be so blind that i wont need nething else(wishful thinking but perfection is what im after in my wife someday)
also i know that what i have and konw i want to have this entire summer is something that if possible i will hold onto this entire summer.
this past week ive read a book
wow
a whole book with 600 plus pages
(harry potter)
yes kids thats what ive been doing with my spare time just sitting around the house or basicly out in the sun on my times after work with my nose stuck in a bloody book
great thing to do when you are just not wanting to do nething cause the drugs you are on make you tired
and yes people i am tired
tired of the normal
wanting to push limits
wanting to test boundrys in friendships
basicly getting bored of the same thing day in and day out
i want to see new things
yes a spur of the moment trip to new hampshire would be pretty fucking awesome
but truth is its a dream that wont be fulfilled
thing is the trip to canada is probly more fuliflling trip too
drinking there
diffrent country
week trip though would be fucking expensive
wouldnt mind just sleeping in my car up there but also i kown having a privite room would be a good thing too
getting a back pack and just getting a train ticket up there and just staying walking everywhere and just living
yea just living life on the streets walking everywhere
maybe getting a wicked cheep hotel
or whatever who needs to see the whole of life not just the shallow tourism areas
fake takes many faces
the face of having nice things and always having to worry about them is one face
the face of shyness and quietness is also a face of it that i have to face
feeling alive is saying what you want when you want to
doing what you want to not worrying about how it effects your friends or what they will think about you after you have said it or done it
a job is the center pin of most peoples life, of my life
it is what makes me wake up at deacent time in the morning
what makes me go to bed and not party and stay up till 4 or 5 in the morning
what makes me not want to feel like a retard from smokeing my self stupid cause i konw i need to be able to do a job even if its pointless as flipping burgers
its still someting that holds steady what could become a whirling mass of drugs and sex
and yes i have problems with both its an insecurity that basicly everyone konws about thanks to someone opening their big fucking flabs
yea i openily admit the fact of that problem now
even laugh about it
drugs can solve that problem but can also make it a bigger one
more frustrating and less fuifilling
today i tried to say hi or at least smile and wave at someone i offended around a year or so ago well probly what i said was more than offensive it was probly down right mean but i guess it was taken harder than i had ment it to be taken
(produces the fear of speeking your mind)(produces fear of what words can really do, what if they were taken to heart by the wrong person, someone you didnt mean to have it to have ne meaning whatsoever at all just ment as a joke that should be shoved back at the person who said it and it ends up fucking up more than just your friend ship with that person but with everyone that they talk to and their friends and so on and so forth)
really all of that shouldnt matter at all
you can make new friends
eventualy all your old friends you wont talk to anyways
proven by someone i fell in love with fourth and fith grade
was invited to her graduation party
talk to her once or twice in the past thre months or so
stuff falls apart
ive seen it happen i am prepared for it to
i will not deny that it will end up happening but i will also stand in fear of all those moments that will be missed all the people who you end up loving yes loving for i now belive that love is the only true thing that matters
love isnt something that you share with just one person
it isnt somethign that you can say you will or will not do
sorry jess but im breaking what i told you i wuldnt do
yes i loved naomi
yes i loved lexi
still do cause i consider her my friend
in the end friends matter just as much as a bf or gf
cause i beilive that you should be friends with them really good friends
loving just the time that you spend with them
that is what makes love grow
that is y i can say i love everyone i have known and hung out with for over a month or so
even if we dont talk much
or if i dont talk to you at all
if ive known you and hung out and talked to you even if it wasnt much but it keeps happening and just those few words grows the bond of love
i love all my friends
i grow to love over spending hours or even just those minutes with them
that is the real goal in life
to love how ever many people you can end up in your life doing it
not to be up tight worring about who owes you munny or drugs
or whatever causes hatred to form between people
anoyince is one thing
i can honestly say there isnt one person i havent been anoyed with in my life
ive even gotten anoyed withnikki for those of you who wonder
but i know that i wouldnt want to take that anoyiance out and everything(thus the fear of what could be said and what could happen out of those few words of whatever is expirenced when your friend pisses you off but you konw that they arnt worth saying so yiou hold them back or whatever ends up happening)
if any of this rambling makes any sense you should let me kow
the graduation is hitting like a sack full of bricks
people who i have seen every day of my highschool life will now never be seen again for good or bad
it happens
i kow
i understand now
i know what it will be like
i dread what will end up happening
but what can be done
feable attempts
phone calls
life leads everyone in diffrent directions
it happens
you play the cards that have been handed to you
life your life to the fullest
dont ever hold yourself back just out of fear that you might shake the foundations your world has been built on
if you cant shake it you will be stuck with what you are handed
i wouldnt mind shaking the entire foundation my world has ever been build on
but tearing it down while still being able to stand and move on and build up from what is left is something that is needed to be made sure you are able to do also
dont shoot yourself in the mouth unless you are sure you will be able to kill tyler
you must have knowlege of what you are about to do and be deliberet and not just acting on some whim
this is what runs thru my mind
some might think it shallow
some might think it in depth
some might totaly dissagree
i would rather the last
cause at least you wont be passing judgement on just some ramble
not making it seem like you are more whole because you dont ramble or have these thoughts of madness running thru your brain
trust me you will sometime in your life
sometime in your life y ou wil be forced to stop and just take a sheet of paper and just ake out anger or hate
love or joy
sadness
or insecurity
sometime in your life you will wish for a change
but will either of already forced it or you will be in this limbo that is what faces today
the limbo
of mind and soul wishing to join and form into one
so pass your judgment
leave comments
this is only ment for me and looking at growth that i ahve experinced neways so
hope you enjoyed it
maybe you will get a laugh out of it
or even a chuckle as you say boy is he stupid
in the end it will all end up right
the shiny spot at the end of the dark tunnel
i guess that means death
everything ends up working twords its own ends
whatever pushes pulls shoves or tears
that is the worth of the mind
started out sweet day though getting paid to sit in a parking lot for an hour and a half with shaun
and not to mention sitting there and watching him beat the living piss out of his car all while hes telling me hes going to be tradeing it in neways so it dont matter
but i realized something today no matter how much i will try to quit drugs or nething like that i also realize that the place in my life for them is at the moment not some 10 years down the road when i need to be responsible cause i will hopefuly have someone i love and who loves me and that is the only anti drug i could ever need(this will be a person who doesnt mind me doing it encouriges it in fact but secretivly would rather see me not messed up at all) all this will happen in a way where i wont need to do nething cause i will be so blind that i wont need nething else(wishful thinking but perfection is what im after in my wife someday)
also i know that what i have and konw i want to have this entire summer is something that if possible i will hold onto this entire summer.
this past week ive read a book
wow
a whole book with 600 plus pages
(harry potter)
yes kids thats what ive been doing with my spare time just sitting around the house or basicly out in the sun on my times after work with my nose stuck in a bloody book
great thing to do when you are just not wanting to do nething cause the drugs you are on make you tired
and yes people i am tired
tired of the normal
wanting to push limits
wanting to test boundrys in friendships
basicly getting bored of the same thing day in and day out
i want to see new things
yes a spur of the moment trip to new hampshire would be pretty fucking awesome
but truth is its a dream that wont be fulfilled
thing is the trip to canada is probly more fuliflling trip too
drinking there
diffrent country
week trip though would be fucking expensive
wouldnt mind just sleeping in my car up there but also i kown having a privite room would be a good thing too
getting a back pack and just getting a train ticket up there and just staying walking everywhere and just living
yea just living life on the streets walking everywhere
maybe getting a wicked cheep hotel
or whatever who needs to see the whole of life not just the shallow tourism areas
fake takes many faces
the face of having nice things and always having to worry about them is one face
the face of shyness and quietness is also a face of it that i have to face
feeling alive is saying what you want when you want to
doing what you want to not worrying about how it effects your friends or what they will think about you after you have said it or done it
a job is the center pin of most peoples life, of my life
it is what makes me wake up at deacent time in the morning
what makes me go to bed and not party and stay up till 4 or 5 in the morning
what makes me not want to feel like a retard from smokeing my self stupid cause i konw i need to be able to do a job even if its pointless as flipping burgers
its still someting that holds steady what could become a whirling mass of drugs and sex
and yes i have problems with both its an insecurity that basicly everyone konws about thanks to someone opening their big fucking flabs
yea i openily admit the fact of that problem now
even laugh about it
drugs can solve that problem but can also make it a bigger one
more frustrating and less fuifilling
today i tried to say hi or at least smile and wave at someone i offended around a year or so ago well probly what i said was more than offensive it was probly down right mean but i guess it was taken harder than i had ment it to be taken
(produces the fear of speeking your mind)(produces fear of what words can really do, what if they were taken to heart by the wrong person, someone you didnt mean to have it to have ne meaning whatsoever at all just ment as a joke that should be shoved back at the person who said it and it ends up fucking up more than just your friend ship with that person but with everyone that they talk to and their friends and so on and so forth)
really all of that shouldnt matter at all
you can make new friends
eventualy all your old friends you wont talk to anyways
proven by someone i fell in love with fourth and fith grade
was invited to her graduation party
talk to her once or twice in the past thre months or so
stuff falls apart
ive seen it happen i am prepared for it to
i will not deny that it will end up happening but i will also stand in fear of all those moments that will be missed all the people who you end up loving yes loving for i now belive that love is the only true thing that matters
love isnt something that you share with just one person
it isnt somethign that you can say you will or will not do
sorry jess but im breaking what i told you i wuldnt do
yes i loved naomi
yes i loved lexi
still do cause i consider her my friend
in the end friends matter just as much as a bf or gf
cause i beilive that you should be friends with them really good friends
loving just the time that you spend with them
that is what makes love grow
that is y i can say i love everyone i have known and hung out with for over a month or so
even if we dont talk much
or if i dont talk to you at all
if ive known you and hung out and talked to you even if it wasnt much but it keeps happening and just those few words grows the bond of love
i love all my friends
i grow to love over spending hours or even just those minutes with them
that is the real goal in life
to love how ever many people you can end up in your life doing it
not to be up tight worring about who owes you munny or drugs
or whatever causes hatred to form between people
anoyince is one thing
i can honestly say there isnt one person i havent been anoyed with in my life
ive even gotten anoyed withnikki for those of you who wonder
but i know that i wouldnt want to take that anoyiance out and everything(thus the fear of what could be said and what could happen out of those few words of whatever is expirenced when your friend pisses you off but you konw that they arnt worth saying so yiou hold them back or whatever ends up happening)
if any of this rambling makes any sense you should let me kow
the graduation is hitting like a sack full of bricks
people who i have seen every day of my highschool life will now never be seen again for good or bad
it happens
i kow
i understand now
i know what it will be like
i dread what will end up happening
but what can be done
feable attempts
phone calls
life leads everyone in diffrent directions
it happens
you play the cards that have been handed to you
life your life to the fullest
dont ever hold yourself back just out of fear that you might shake the foundations your world has been built on
if you cant shake it you will be stuck with what you are handed
i wouldnt mind shaking the entire foundation my world has ever been build on
but tearing it down while still being able to stand and move on and build up from what is left is something that is needed to be made sure you are able to do also
dont shoot yourself in the mouth unless you are sure you will be able to kill tyler
you must have knowlege of what you are about to do and be deliberet and not just acting on some whim
this is what runs thru my mind
some might think it shallow
some might think it in depth
some might totaly dissagree
i would rather the last
cause at least you wont be passing judgement on just some ramble
not making it seem like you are more whole because you dont ramble or have these thoughts of madness running thru your brain
trust me you will sometime in your life
sometime in your life y ou wil be forced to stop and just take a sheet of paper and just ake out anger or hate
love or joy
sadness
or insecurity
sometime in your life you will wish for a change
but will either of already forced it or you will be in this limbo that is what faces today
the limbo
of mind and soul wishing to join and form into one
so pass your judgment
leave comments
this is only ment for me and looking at growth that i ahve experinced neways so
hope you enjoyed it
maybe you will get a laugh out of it
or even a chuckle as you say boy is he stupid
in the end it will all end up right
the shiny spot at the end of the dark tunnel
i guess that means death
everything ends up working twords its own ends
whatever pushes pulls shoves or tears
that is the worth of the mind