119: I don't think I can let myself go...
Ever just sit in a moment and live it? Completely? Ever just laugh, or just scream,or be entirely one thing for an instant?
I can't and I don't know why. I always have to be so many things at once. Writer, poet, dreamer (when I'm not being an insomniac), philosopher... I can be so many things, but when it comes down to it... I'm never one thing. I'm also never just "happy." It's always "Happy, but..." or "Good, except for..." and fill in the blank with whatever could possibly work.
I want to feel just one thing at one time for a single moment... even if it's only anger, or only hatred... I'd love to know what a one track mind feels like... what simple thought is.
And I'd like to not fake a smile... or act my laughter, pleasure, or my "good times." I can't tell you how many times I sit around thinking "Shouldn't I be enjoying this?" in a situation when I really should be enjoying it. Maybe something's missing? Maybe it's something internal... but I doubt it.
For once I'd like to scream... I mean to really scream. I always hold back my emotion or anger... I'm always bottling, refusing, denying. Hiding whatever it is that I really am... even from myself I'd guess...
Am I more than my facade anymore? An interesting question that everyone should ask themselves.
I suppose I know what I am, and what I'm not, more so than some. (And damn would I love to tell a few of them... one especially... but it's not my place, some people just are slower... by many years even. (That's enough of a hint.)) I know that I'm capable of wonderful, and terrible things. I've become wonderful and terrible things before, and sometimes even enjoyed it, in both situations.
Perhaps I can't scream... or let go of my barriers and restrictions because it's easier to live life in a cage than to be free... sometimes however, I'll poke my head out, and see what comes of it... and generally, it's funny, charming, and can hold attention without effort.
I know who I am, but not what. I know what I can do, but not why. I know why I exist, but not where I came from. I know where I'm going, but not when I'll get there. I know when it's time, whoever is intended to will open the door. And so I come full circle, not knowing how it all started, nor howit will end.
Somehow, that makes it easier.
But somehow I doubt it'll be easier for long...
I can't and I don't know why. I always have to be so many things at once. Writer, poet, dreamer (when I'm not being an insomniac), philosopher... I can be so many things, but when it comes down to it... I'm never one thing. I'm also never just "happy." It's always "Happy, but..." or "Good, except for..." and fill in the blank with whatever could possibly work.
I want to feel just one thing at one time for a single moment... even if it's only anger, or only hatred... I'd love to know what a one track mind feels like... what simple thought is.
And I'd like to not fake a smile... or act my laughter, pleasure, or my "good times." I can't tell you how many times I sit around thinking "Shouldn't I be enjoying this?" in a situation when I really should be enjoying it. Maybe something's missing? Maybe it's something internal... but I doubt it.
For once I'd like to scream... I mean to really scream. I always hold back my emotion or anger... I'm always bottling, refusing, denying. Hiding whatever it is that I really am... even from myself I'd guess...
Am I more than my facade anymore? An interesting question that everyone should ask themselves.
I suppose I know what I am, and what I'm not, more so than some. (And damn would I love to tell a few of them... one especially... but it's not my place, some people just are slower... by many years even. (That's enough of a hint.)) I know that I'm capable of wonderful, and terrible things. I've become wonderful and terrible things before, and sometimes even enjoyed it, in both situations.
Perhaps I can't scream... or let go of my barriers and restrictions because it's easier to live life in a cage than to be free... sometimes however, I'll poke my head out, and see what comes of it... and generally, it's funny, charming, and can hold attention without effort.
I know who I am, but not what. I know what I can do, but not why. I know why I exist, but not where I came from. I know where I'm going, but not when I'll get there. I know when it's time, whoever is intended to will open the door. And so I come full circle, not knowing how it all started, nor howit will end.
Somehow, that makes it easier.
But somehow I doubt it'll be easier for long...