A little voice
Here it is again. That little voice whispering in my ear. Telling me that I could do better. Telling me that something is wrong but not pointing me in a direction to figure out what it is. I'm not sure I'm unhappy. I'm not sure I'm happy. I know I miss my friends but is it only because I have fallen into a pattern of work and home - in my new home - and haven't made the time for new friends? Is it only because my friends far away seem to be changing and growing and forming families while I sit wondering if that's something I even want? I do want a family.. but is it only the idea of a family? Or the idea of feeling as if I'm surrounded by love every day. But shouldn't I feel that now?
Quiet little voice. Calm down and leave me to my thoughts so I can be happy and optimistic again. Yet you continue to whisper. To remind me of a conversation had less than a week ago. Those words keep ringing in my head and I can't kick them out for good. "Maybe we should just go our separate ways". "But nothing is happening now! It's only because of a hypothetical future that you say that". "Well then let's talk about it again in a year and decide then.".... a year. Having a deadline seems so.. final. Then I ask, well if we know now why not now? Well. I'm. Not. Ready.
On a new note I am beginning to feel more positive about myself and my attributes. Yes, I am in a job that is not my first choice, but I am learning and I am doing something to go somewhere greater. Maybe in a few short months I will be somewhere different. Yes, I give in to chocolate and fast food but I look at my naked body each morning and admire the curves and the shape. Maybe I do look better as I get older. Yes, I live somewhere that I feel isn't the place I want to stay and buy a house and raise my kids... but knowing that all good things take time I am taking advantage of the things this city has to offer - or this province. I am focused on paying down debt and feeling good about each pay cheque that comes into my bank account. I am focusing on the things I can do to improve myself and be a better person. I can live more simple, with less materialistic needs. I can call or email friends more often to stay in touch, find out about their lives and support them if needed. I can continue to stretch and to dance and to improve my flexibility and strength. I can pick up my dusty guitar and play it - once a week at least.
I am also looking forward to the near future. In few short weeks I'll get a little more of the travel bug out, and this time while experiencing the value of family. A summer filled with possibilities of camping and hiking and visiting friends. A new job which challenges me and engages me in my career. Possibly a new town. Changing my perspective and my goals.
Quiet little voice. I hear you whispering in my ear. "What will happen with you and him?". I choose not to listen. I am choosing to focus on the positive. The now. What will be will be.
Quiet little voice. Calm down and leave me to my thoughts so I can be happy and optimistic again. Yet you continue to whisper. To remind me of a conversation had less than a week ago. Those words keep ringing in my head and I can't kick them out for good. "Maybe we should just go our separate ways". "But nothing is happening now! It's only because of a hypothetical future that you say that". "Well then let's talk about it again in a year and decide then.".... a year. Having a deadline seems so.. final. Then I ask, well if we know now why not now? Well. I'm. Not. Ready.
On a new note I am beginning to feel more positive about myself and my attributes. Yes, I am in a job that is not my first choice, but I am learning and I am doing something to go somewhere greater. Maybe in a few short months I will be somewhere different. Yes, I give in to chocolate and fast food but I look at my naked body each morning and admire the curves and the shape. Maybe I do look better as I get older. Yes, I live somewhere that I feel isn't the place I want to stay and buy a house and raise my kids... but knowing that all good things take time I am taking advantage of the things this city has to offer - or this province. I am focused on paying down debt and feeling good about each pay cheque that comes into my bank account. I am focusing on the things I can do to improve myself and be a better person. I can live more simple, with less materialistic needs. I can call or email friends more often to stay in touch, find out about their lives and support them if needed. I can continue to stretch and to dance and to improve my flexibility and strength. I can pick up my dusty guitar and play it - once a week at least.
I am also looking forward to the near future. In few short weeks I'll get a little more of the travel bug out, and this time while experiencing the value of family. A summer filled with possibilities of camping and hiking and visiting friends. A new job which challenges me and engages me in my career. Possibly a new town. Changing my perspective and my goals.
Quiet little voice. I hear you whispering in my ear. "What will happen with you and him?". I choose not to listen. I am choosing to focus on the positive. The now. What will be will be.