(no subject)
Bangers
LOTR RPS
Monaboyd
PG (for innuendo)
Beta &hearts : Shannon.
Bangers
“Dom?”
“Hmm.”
“Dom?” Pause. “Dom?? Dom, Dom, Dom, DomDomDomDom-.”
“What already?”
“Were you listening to a word I said?”
“When?”
“Just now.”
“I was eating.”
“Can’t do both at the same time?”
“Maybe I’d listen to you better if you stuffed your face with more porridge. You know? Then I’d have to focus.” Dom paused, and leaned over in his chair. “On your shitey blather.”
Billy raised an eyebrow. “And what fine arse-crawling bug do I owe your sparkly mood to this fine morning?”
“Just not so much in the mood for some monologue about the fascinating complexities of breakfast cereals’ nutritional value in relation to the human digestive system at five in the fuckin’ mornin’, thank you very much.” Dom exhaled loudly. “Though I do enjoy the accent.”
“Do you now? It’s my aural pheromone, you know.” Billy crossed his arms proudly over his chest.
“Oral pheromone? I don’t know if I should be disgusted or... well, disgusted, really.”
“Aural,” Billy emphasized. “As in, pertaining to the ear. You did learn some bit of the English language as a literature scholar, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I forgot it all when I was wooed onto the rocky shores by your big green eyes and melodious voice. You vile siren, you.” Dom puckered his lips in Billy’s direction.
Billy batted his eyelashes at Dom. “I would look fabulous in a fishtail, wouldn’t I?” He clamped his feet together at the heels and raised them off the floor, wriggling them midair.
“Plus, you look so handsome when you’re topless. Breasts all firm and perky.”
Billy pulled back his spoon loaded with porridge, aiming it at Dom.
“You wouldn’t dare!” Dom waggled his finger. “Pete would have your hide! You’d hold everyone up waiting for my costume to be cleaned.”
“Naw, not true. They’d just whisk this one away and fetch you a clean one from wardrobe. I’m free to soil your costume without admonishment.”
“I can soil my own. Don’t need help.”
“I’d keep that to myself if I were you, Dom.” Billy sighed then ate his spoonful of porridge. “’Course, with that rank fat suit, we’d never know if you did soil yourself.”
Dom smirked. “My little secret. My mystery. My prrre-.”
“Don’t go there!” Billy warned, shaking his empty spoon at Dom.
“Wot? I was gonna say ‘pretty,’ ehhh, ‘pretty Billy.’ You’re my pretty, pretty Billy-willy. With your long flowing ginger locks, cupid’s bow mouth, perky little rack-.”
“Dom!”
“Honestly, when you can’t admire another man’s physical form...! What’s this world coming to?”
“Shut up, you tit. Finish your manky breakfast of grease and raw sewage.”
“You’re just jealous ‘cause my delicious eggs an’ bacon an’ fried tomatoes do not have lumps in them. On second thought,” Dom paused, holding his fork inches beneath his chin. “I think you are jealous of my plump, juicy bangers.” He bent forward and sucked rather than bit into the sausage on his fork. He pulled back, sitting up straight, lips glistening with grease.
Billy blinked. “That’s.” He swallowed. “That’s sick, Dom. Eating your own like ya are.”
Dom winked at him. “Well, sometimes a man gets lonely.”
“Yup. And bendy, apparently.” Billy continued huskily, “Are you full? Would you like me to finish off your last banger?”
Dom swallowed his mouthful roughly. Then he crooked one corner of his mouth and waved the remainder of his forked sausage under Billy’s nose. “Go on then.”
Billy scrunched up his nose. “That all ya got?”
Dom jerked back his fork. “If you can’t appreciate it, you may have none.”
“Aww. Not even a wee nibble?”
“Not even a nib! You’re too ungrateful.”
“Not even a nib?!” Billy mock-pouted.
“Nor a ni.”
“Will you give me a ni if I give you a shrubbery?”
Dom chuckled. “We’ve just gone from bangers to bushes.”
“You’re a dirty fucker, aren’t ya?”
Dom licked his sausage then bit down slowly. “Mmmmmm.”
Billy looked down at the bowl of porridge in his hands. Then he looked back at Dom munching away at his sausage. He looked at his porridge again. Then he looked at the last sausage laying on Dom’s plate. He made a quick lunge for it with one hand.
Dom, anticipating the move, aimed his empty fork at Billy’s hand. “Greedy-.”
“Shit!” Billy howled as Dom’s fork pierced the top of his hand. He pulled away, shaking his hand wildly in the air as if he could discard the pain.
“Billy, I only poked you.”
“It bloody well hurt though!”
“I’m sorry.”
“You should be.”
Dom lowered his head. He looked up at Billy through fluttering eyelashes. “That settles it. You’ve taught me a lesson, William.” He nodded solemnly. “I guess English breakfasts are bad for your health.”
“Not. Funny,” Billy said through gritted teeth.
“Aw, Billy.” Dom reached for his hand. “Bills.” He laced his fingers with Billy’s, lining up their palms. He leaned over for a kiss. Billy pulled back; Dom still gripped his hand.
“No you don’t! You’ve done enough.”
“I don’t bite.” Dom grinned. “Unless that’s what you....”
“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Sadist.”
“Ah, the mad exploits of Sir Billy Boyd the Masochist finally come out.”
“Why do I gotta be the submissive one?”
Dom shrugged. “You’re smaller?”
“By a hair!”
“Which I’ve got more of.”
“To cover your ears, only.”
“That’s hitting below the belt.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Mmm, yes. Nothin’ sexier than having your balls inverted.”
“As if you’ve any left after Treebeard.”
“Perverted old Ent. I should report ‘im.”
“For fondling your twigs and berries?”
“For damaging my nuts and acorns. I’ll never be the same.” Dom gazed down at his lap with a heavy sigh.
“It’s a sad, sorry life.” Billy slowly shook his head. “And this is all very touching, this here confessional. Though. Could I have my hand back now?”
Dom shook his head. “Haven’t kissed it yet. To make it better.” He tugged Billy’s hand toward him, lowered his head.
“An’ you won’t bite?” Billy eyed him warily.
“Try not to.”
Billy huffed. “All right.”
Dom licked his lips.
“Argh. Seriously, Dominic!”
Dom smiled and wet his lips again. “Think of my saliva as a balm. A special salve. It’s very medicinal.” He pressed his lips over the red-dotted skin of Billy’s hand, lingering for more than a peck.
“Get on with it already, Monaghan,” Billy scoffed, though he made no move to pull his hand away.
Dom twisted his head to the side, lips dislodging, and leaned his cheek against Billy’s hand. He looked over at his own plate. “First breakfast.” He lifted his head a few inches and looked down at Billy’s hand, still locked with his own. “Second breakfast.” He bore down on Billy with bared teeth.
“Fuck off!” Billy withdrew his hand with lightning speed.
Dom fell forward in his seat, shaking with laughter.
Billy petted his wounded hand, scowling. He glanced past Dom and caught sight of the sausage. “Oh!” he said with a wide smile. He scooted out of his chair and snatched the sausage, grasping it tightly in his fist before falling back into his seat.
“Oi!”
Billy plopped it into his mouth, one rounded end sticking out past his lips.
“That’s mine!”
Billy grinned with his mouth full, chewing slowly.
“Bastard.”
Billy grinned wider, exposing pieces of chewed meat for Dom’s examination.
“Very nice.”
“Mmm, mmm, mmm!”
Dom rolled his eyes. “Fine. Very well. But I don’t want to hear any more lectures about the health benefits of mushy, hippie breakfasts from you, you cunning thief.” Dom toed Billy’s shin.
“Nnnnhh.” Billy shook his head and gulped his mouthful. “Not cunning. Banging.” He winked.
“Emmmm.”
“Sausaging?”
Dom stared at him.
Billy stared back, eyes wide and innocent. “Phallusing?”
Dom burst into hoarse giggles. “Such an arse. If I’d known you wanted my meaty mouthful so badly, I’d’ve offered it you sooner.”
“Yeah? I think I might be a vegetarian now though.”
Dom made a gesture as if throwing something at him.
“’S too bad you’ve no more.”
Dom clasped his hands beneath his mouth, grinning. “Oh, but I do. One more. Gourmet special.”
Billy grinned back. “’S too bad I’m full.”
Dom turned his head disdainfully. “Full of evil.”
“That too!” Billy smiled. “However.” He rose and leaned into Dom, hovered near his ear. “Luncheon isn’t too far off,” he whispered, puffing air into Dom’s ear. “Afternoon tea. Dinner. Supper. D’ya think hobbits had midnight... snacks?” Billy nipped lightly at Dom’s ear and pulled away, smiling. He turned around and walked off briskly.
“What, err! Where are you going?”
“Toilet,” Billy called over his shoulder. “Have ta drain the sausage casing.”
“Oh, that’s awful.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, it’s a very bad pun.”
Billy turned, walking backward. “Actually, it’s more of a metaphor. Another thing you should have learned in your literary studies.”
“Study this.” Dom made a rude gesture.
“Bugger off.”
“Bugger yourself.”
“I was hoping a trip to the loo would mean I wouldn’t have to.”
“What?”
Billy was out of the door. Dom stared after him for a second, then sprang out of his chair.
He only tripped over his feet once in his effort to catch up.
LOTR RPS
Monaboyd
PG (for innuendo)
Beta &hearts : Shannon.
Bangers
“Dom?”
“Hmm.”
“Dom?” Pause. “Dom?? Dom, Dom, Dom, DomDomDomDom-.”
“What already?”
“Were you listening to a word I said?”
“When?”
“Just now.”
“I was eating.”
“Can’t do both at the same time?”
“Maybe I’d listen to you better if you stuffed your face with more porridge. You know? Then I’d have to focus.” Dom paused, and leaned over in his chair. “On your shitey blather.”
Billy raised an eyebrow. “And what fine arse-crawling bug do I owe your sparkly mood to this fine morning?”
“Just not so much in the mood for some monologue about the fascinating complexities of breakfast cereals’ nutritional value in relation to the human digestive system at five in the fuckin’ mornin’, thank you very much.” Dom exhaled loudly. “Though I do enjoy the accent.”
“Do you now? It’s my aural pheromone, you know.” Billy crossed his arms proudly over his chest.
“Oral pheromone? I don’t know if I should be disgusted or... well, disgusted, really.”
“Aural,” Billy emphasized. “As in, pertaining to the ear. You did learn some bit of the English language as a literature scholar, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but I forgot it all when I was wooed onto the rocky shores by your big green eyes and melodious voice. You vile siren, you.” Dom puckered his lips in Billy’s direction.
Billy batted his eyelashes at Dom. “I would look fabulous in a fishtail, wouldn’t I?” He clamped his feet together at the heels and raised them off the floor, wriggling them midair.
“Plus, you look so handsome when you’re topless. Breasts all firm and perky.”
Billy pulled back his spoon loaded with porridge, aiming it at Dom.
“You wouldn’t dare!” Dom waggled his finger. “Pete would have your hide! You’d hold everyone up waiting for my costume to be cleaned.”
“Naw, not true. They’d just whisk this one away and fetch you a clean one from wardrobe. I’m free to soil your costume without admonishment.”
“I can soil my own. Don’t need help.”
“I’d keep that to myself if I were you, Dom.” Billy sighed then ate his spoonful of porridge. “’Course, with that rank fat suit, we’d never know if you did soil yourself.”
Dom smirked. “My little secret. My mystery. My prrre-.”
“Don’t go there!” Billy warned, shaking his empty spoon at Dom.
“Wot? I was gonna say ‘pretty,’ ehhh, ‘pretty Billy.’ You’re my pretty, pretty Billy-willy. With your long flowing ginger locks, cupid’s bow mouth, perky little rack-.”
“Dom!”
“Honestly, when you can’t admire another man’s physical form...! What’s this world coming to?”
“Shut up, you tit. Finish your manky breakfast of grease and raw sewage.”
“You’re just jealous ‘cause my delicious eggs an’ bacon an’ fried tomatoes do not have lumps in them. On second thought,” Dom paused, holding his fork inches beneath his chin. “I think you are jealous of my plump, juicy bangers.” He bent forward and sucked rather than bit into the sausage on his fork. He pulled back, sitting up straight, lips glistening with grease.
Billy blinked. “That’s.” He swallowed. “That’s sick, Dom. Eating your own like ya are.”
Dom winked at him. “Well, sometimes a man gets lonely.”
“Yup. And bendy, apparently.” Billy continued huskily, “Are you full? Would you like me to finish off your last banger?”
Dom swallowed his mouthful roughly. Then he crooked one corner of his mouth and waved the remainder of his forked sausage under Billy’s nose. “Go on then.”
Billy scrunched up his nose. “That all ya got?”
Dom jerked back his fork. “If you can’t appreciate it, you may have none.”
“Aww. Not even a wee nibble?”
“Not even a nib! You’re too ungrateful.”
“Not even a nib?!” Billy mock-pouted.
“Nor a ni.”
“Will you give me a ni if I give you a shrubbery?”
Dom chuckled. “We’ve just gone from bangers to bushes.”
“You’re a dirty fucker, aren’t ya?”
Dom licked his sausage then bit down slowly. “Mmmmmm.”
Billy looked down at the bowl of porridge in his hands. Then he looked back at Dom munching away at his sausage. He looked at his porridge again. Then he looked at the last sausage laying on Dom’s plate. He made a quick lunge for it with one hand.
Dom, anticipating the move, aimed his empty fork at Billy’s hand. “Greedy-.”
“Shit!” Billy howled as Dom’s fork pierced the top of his hand. He pulled away, shaking his hand wildly in the air as if he could discard the pain.
“Billy, I only poked you.”
“It bloody well hurt though!”
“I’m sorry.”
“You should be.”
Dom lowered his head. He looked up at Billy through fluttering eyelashes. “That settles it. You’ve taught me a lesson, William.” He nodded solemnly. “I guess English breakfasts are bad for your health.”
“Not. Funny,” Billy said through gritted teeth.
“Aw, Billy.” Dom reached for his hand. “Bills.” He laced his fingers with Billy’s, lining up their palms. He leaned over for a kiss. Billy pulled back; Dom still gripped his hand.
“No you don’t! You’ve done enough.”
“I don’t bite.” Dom grinned. “Unless that’s what you....”
“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? Sadist.”
“Ah, the mad exploits of Sir Billy Boyd the Masochist finally come out.”
“Why do I gotta be the submissive one?”
Dom shrugged. “You’re smaller?”
“By a hair!”
“Which I’ve got more of.”
“To cover your ears, only.”
“That’s hitting below the belt.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“Mmm, yes. Nothin’ sexier than having your balls inverted.”
“As if you’ve any left after Treebeard.”
“Perverted old Ent. I should report ‘im.”
“For fondling your twigs and berries?”
“For damaging my nuts and acorns. I’ll never be the same.” Dom gazed down at his lap with a heavy sigh.
“It’s a sad, sorry life.” Billy slowly shook his head. “And this is all very touching, this here confessional. Though. Could I have my hand back now?”
Dom shook his head. “Haven’t kissed it yet. To make it better.” He tugged Billy’s hand toward him, lowered his head.
“An’ you won’t bite?” Billy eyed him warily.
“Try not to.”
Billy huffed. “All right.”
Dom licked his lips.
“Argh. Seriously, Dominic!”
Dom smiled and wet his lips again. “Think of my saliva as a balm. A special salve. It’s very medicinal.” He pressed his lips over the red-dotted skin of Billy’s hand, lingering for more than a peck.
“Get on with it already, Monaghan,” Billy scoffed, though he made no move to pull his hand away.
Dom twisted his head to the side, lips dislodging, and leaned his cheek against Billy’s hand. He looked over at his own plate. “First breakfast.” He lifted his head a few inches and looked down at Billy’s hand, still locked with his own. “Second breakfast.” He bore down on Billy with bared teeth.
“Fuck off!” Billy withdrew his hand with lightning speed.
Dom fell forward in his seat, shaking with laughter.
Billy petted his wounded hand, scowling. He glanced past Dom and caught sight of the sausage. “Oh!” he said with a wide smile. He scooted out of his chair and snatched the sausage, grasping it tightly in his fist before falling back into his seat.
“Oi!”
Billy plopped it into his mouth, one rounded end sticking out past his lips.
“That’s mine!”
Billy grinned with his mouth full, chewing slowly.
“Bastard.”
Billy grinned wider, exposing pieces of chewed meat for Dom’s examination.
“Very nice.”
“Mmm, mmm, mmm!”
Dom rolled his eyes. “Fine. Very well. But I don’t want to hear any more lectures about the health benefits of mushy, hippie breakfasts from you, you cunning thief.” Dom toed Billy’s shin.
“Nnnnhh.” Billy shook his head and gulped his mouthful. “Not cunning. Banging.” He winked.
“Emmmm.”
“Sausaging?”
Dom stared at him.
Billy stared back, eyes wide and innocent. “Phallusing?”
Dom burst into hoarse giggles. “Such an arse. If I’d known you wanted my meaty mouthful so badly, I’d’ve offered it you sooner.”
“Yeah? I think I might be a vegetarian now though.”
Dom made a gesture as if throwing something at him.
“’S too bad you’ve no more.”
Dom clasped his hands beneath his mouth, grinning. “Oh, but I do. One more. Gourmet special.”
Billy grinned back. “’S too bad I’m full.”
Dom turned his head disdainfully. “Full of evil.”
“That too!” Billy smiled. “However.” He rose and leaned into Dom, hovered near his ear. “Luncheon isn’t too far off,” he whispered, puffing air into Dom’s ear. “Afternoon tea. Dinner. Supper. D’ya think hobbits had midnight... snacks?” Billy nipped lightly at Dom’s ear and pulled away, smiling. He turned around and walked off briskly.
“What, err! Where are you going?”
“Toilet,” Billy called over his shoulder. “Have ta drain the sausage casing.”
“Oh, that’s awful.”
“Is it?”
“Yes, it’s a very bad pun.”
Billy turned, walking backward. “Actually, it’s more of a metaphor. Another thing you should have learned in your literary studies.”
“Study this.” Dom made a rude gesture.
“Bugger off.”
“Bugger yourself.”
“I was hoping a trip to the loo would mean I wouldn’t have to.”
“What?”
Billy was out of the door. Dom stared after him for a second, then sprang out of his chair.
He only tripped over his feet once in his effort to catch up.