How Future Historians Will Remember 2013

[philmophlegm]

January

The new Archbishop of Canterbury starts his new job. Declaring himself to be a moderniser, but also a moderate, he announces that he will wear the dress but not the traditional holy lingerie

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[philmophlegm]

February

Louise Mensch announces her new career as a professional Lords of Midnight player.

An internal BBC report criticises the BBC for not telling us how great the BBC is often enough.

Britain’s national debt is now 2,000% of GDP. Ed Balls claims that “Plan A is not working” and that “Keynes tells us that the way to get out of a recession is to borrow even more and run a massive, unaffordable structural deficit”.

The Oakland Raiders issue a press release stating that Al Davis isn’t dead, he just stopped moving for a while. In a heated press conference, Davis uses a powerpoint presentation to announce that he is once again taking over the running of the franchise.

The Washington Redskins win the Super Bowl, defeating the Denver Broncos 92-0. The Redskins rookie quarterback Robert Griffin III passes for 673 yards and nine touchdown passes, runs for 214 yards and three more touchdowns, returns a kickoff 109 yards for another touchdown and (following injuries to two Redskins cornerbacks) intercepts three Peyton Manning passes. ESPN analyst Rob Parker complains again that Griffin “isn’t really black”.

In the Academy Awards, Denzel Washington wins the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of a drunken pilot in ‘Flight’. ESPN analyst Rob Parker complains that Washington “isn’t really black”.

In a press release, Richard Murphy argues that “breathing is clear evidence of tax avoidance”.

New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan, believing that “a bit of conflict is good for a team” names Tim Tebow as his starting quarterback and hires Richard Dawkins as his offensive coordinator.

Thousands of twitter users retweet something said by a minor celebrity on twitter.