odd night shift thoughts
I have spent more time then I would like to processing the shit that went down with my neighbor's sister/family on Xmas. Erin is recovering slowly, but the overwhelming feeling of vulnerability we are both experiencing is hard to shake. Nothing has happened, no retaliation thus far. We went and spoke to our neighbor, Erin is much more diplomatic then I am, so she did most of the talking and I stood quietly by.
Who knows where this is going to lead- I don't have a clue. We have spoken to other neighbors and realized that even with the crazy-ass-neighborhood we live in, we are generally liked, and have little to fear. Thanks to everyone who offered word of wisdom and support. It was nice to not feel completely insane in all of this.
for some reason, this shook my gender-identity in a way I have not experienced since I began T.
I think I have realized a few fundamental things about myself as trans....
to save you from scrolling for days and days...
.
- I have no idea how to be physically confrontational- I missed that whole realm of male socialization. I think, in my life I have hit 2 people, both in the context of sports, and both times very controlled.
- Most men in this situation (their pregnant GF being harassed unjustly) would NOT have entered into a conversation led by their GF, about how we should all be friends. So why did I? Because THAT'S how girls are taught to resolve conflict. WTF?
- I have been struggling with the race-card that was pulled that night. My naive notion that racism is not an issue for me, has been shattered. I am turning to Audre Lorde for some thoughts on this one. She's smart.
- For the 1st time in my life, I am going to be responsible for the life of a person who is completely dependent upon me to protect them. MY G-D, does that scare the shit out of me..............
Who knows where this is going to lead- I don't have a clue. We have spoken to other neighbors and realized that even with the crazy-ass-neighborhood we live in, we are generally liked, and have little to fear. Thanks to everyone who offered word of wisdom and support. It was nice to not feel completely insane in all of this.
for some reason, this shook my gender-identity in a way I have not experienced since I began T.
I think I have realized a few fundamental things about myself as trans....
to save you from scrolling for days and days...
.
- I have no idea how to be physically confrontational- I missed that whole realm of male socialization. I think, in my life I have hit 2 people, both in the context of sports, and both times very controlled.
- Most men in this situation (their pregnant GF being harassed unjustly) would NOT have entered into a conversation led by their GF, about how we should all be friends. So why did I? Because THAT'S how girls are taught to resolve conflict. WTF?
- I have been struggling with the race-card that was pulled that night. My naive notion that racism is not an issue for me, has been shattered. I am turning to Audre Lorde for some thoughts on this one. She's smart.
- For the 1st time in my life, I am going to be responsible for the life of a person who is completely dependent upon me to protect them. MY G-D, does that scare the shit out of me..............