The Battle Within...
I'm trying really hard, that's all i can say. It's just something that's always been hard due to events in my life across the years that have left significant marks. Significant marks... ha... more like scars that refuse to fade away, not like those scars from a cut or scrape but those from an accident. The ones that you can't see but know are there because every now and then you get a sharp pain in that area, like my terrible ankles. It's an excuse i keep telling myself, but then i think about it some more and i know it's more then an excuse. If it were just an excuse i think i could finally heal. The pain would just go away, except it doesn't go away, it always comes back. Everything here reminds me constantly. Maybe that's why she wants all the changes done at once, but i think it just makes it worse.
I'm constantly fighting myself, the one from my last post and the one who's always been in control... since i can remember. I dont want to be the later anymore, but it just keeps taking over. I have few friends who see me, for who i am. This shield i have is starting to get the better of me in every situation. It's a constant frustration from what i want to do and what i've always done. And because of that in the end i do what i've always done. It feels like i'm tearing apart from the inside out, like the battle within will be the end. Who will win... who will lose... there is no good or evil here... no battle for my soul... it's a war of weakness, a fight for improvement, one that has never taken anything on and the one who wants to take on everything. There needs to be a balance that's not even in question, but my timid side somehow always ends up overpowering my other. I know why, which makes it harder, i wish i could just not remember anything. The bad as always outweighed the good that's what's always been my problem.... like i said in the last one... i need a little incentive... and the world just isn't giving me a reason.... Sometimes i think it would feel better if i did, like when you feel sick you think it'd be better to throw up when most of the time it doesn't. I made that promise to myself almost 2 years ago... seems like it's the only one i can keep these days.
I just feel like i keep screwing everything up. Even when something good happens, i screw it up. Like i just can't make things better for myself. i dont know ....
i'm going out tonight, maybe that'll make me feel a bit better... and not worse.
I'm constantly fighting myself, the one from my last post and the one who's always been in control... since i can remember. I dont want to be the later anymore, but it just keeps taking over. I have few friends who see me, for who i am. This shield i have is starting to get the better of me in every situation. It's a constant frustration from what i want to do and what i've always done. And because of that in the end i do what i've always done. It feels like i'm tearing apart from the inside out, like the battle within will be the end. Who will win... who will lose... there is no good or evil here... no battle for my soul... it's a war of weakness, a fight for improvement, one that has never taken anything on and the one who wants to take on everything. There needs to be a balance that's not even in question, but my timid side somehow always ends up overpowering my other. I know why, which makes it harder, i wish i could just not remember anything. The bad as always outweighed the good that's what's always been my problem.... like i said in the last one... i need a little incentive... and the world just isn't giving me a reason.... Sometimes i think it would feel better if i did, like when you feel sick you think it'd be better to throw up when most of the time it doesn't. I made that promise to myself almost 2 years ago... seems like it's the only one i can keep these days.
I just feel like i keep screwing everything up. Even when something good happens, i screw it up. Like i just can't make things better for myself. i dont know ....
i'm going out tonight, maybe that'll make me feel a bit better... and not worse.