Bitches ain't nothin' but tricks and hoes!
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
It's kind of ironic that I spent the path month looking forward to last night, since things ended in defeat.
Also, I'd like to thank those of you who were able to put up with my sickening sappiness. I really can't help who I am, and if I could, I'm not sure I'd want to.
So she came over last night after spending forever in kentucky, but what I didn't know was that she came with a similar agenda to my own. She wanted to clear the air the same way I did. The difference, though, was that she presented an ultimatum. I just wanted to see where I stood so that I could make the right decisions. Either way, things were going to change. I just had to know which part of me had to die and which part had to live anew. Last night was a crossroads: at the end of one she sat as my girlfriend, and at the end of another she sat as my buddy.
She will never be my girlfriend.
Ever.
In no uncertain terms.
So now begins the process of systematically destroying my feelings for her. I can do it -- I've come a long way. I figured this would tear me up a lot worse than it did. Instead, I don't really feel anything. I mean, there's this subliminal hatred that arises whenever things don't work out your way -- the part that wishes deep down that she'll never be happy... but that's not me and that will go away. In reality, I do want her to be happy. I'm just a bit miffed that it won't be with me. Ever.
Oddly, though, it's like my light of inspiration has gone out. I have so much to accomplish, but all I really want to do is escape and move on. I have less than 24 hours to do that, since school starts up tommorrow and I have to be on point for that shit. I made dean's list last semester -- fucked if I'm not going to make it again... if only by sheer force of will. But then again, where the hell did that get me before.
I should really not use livejournal. It bites me in the ass far too much... but there's a lot to be said for honesty. There's just a lot more to be said against it.
I know that this isn't my failure, but that doesn't mean I didn't lose. It's like when mitch williams blew the world series when I was in fifth grade. I feel like the rest of the phillies must have felt -- not my fault, I did the best job I possibly could have... but that doesn't make it a victory. I stood up on my horse, reached out for the ring, and I wasn't tall enough. At least, that's how it feels. If I could have been more charming, tougher, cuter, better in bed... who knows? But I'm not. I'm me.
At least I still have a new years resolution. I need some kind of goal to keep me going.
There's so much more to say, but I really have no drive to say it. I'm sorry guys. The ADD will kick in after a day or so and I'll be fine. It's like a death in the family, you just need time to realize that your life has to go on without a given person, and you have to continue on. Alex is throwing some kind of party, and I'm probably going to get fucked up and go to the bar and make a total fool of myself. They don't call it escapism for nothin'. So I guess it's like a soap opera...
To be continued...
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
It's kind of ironic that I spent the path month looking forward to last night, since things ended in defeat.
Also, I'd like to thank those of you who were able to put up with my sickening sappiness. I really can't help who I am, and if I could, I'm not sure I'd want to.
So she came over last night after spending forever in kentucky, but what I didn't know was that she came with a similar agenda to my own. She wanted to clear the air the same way I did. The difference, though, was that she presented an ultimatum. I just wanted to see where I stood so that I could make the right decisions. Either way, things were going to change. I just had to know which part of me had to die and which part had to live anew. Last night was a crossroads: at the end of one she sat as my girlfriend, and at the end of another she sat as my buddy.
She will never be my girlfriend.
Ever.
In no uncertain terms.
So now begins the process of systematically destroying my feelings for her. I can do it -- I've come a long way. I figured this would tear me up a lot worse than it did. Instead, I don't really feel anything. I mean, there's this subliminal hatred that arises whenever things don't work out your way -- the part that wishes deep down that she'll never be happy... but that's not me and that will go away. In reality, I do want her to be happy. I'm just a bit miffed that it won't be with me. Ever.
Oddly, though, it's like my light of inspiration has gone out. I have so much to accomplish, but all I really want to do is escape and move on. I have less than 24 hours to do that, since school starts up tommorrow and I have to be on point for that shit. I made dean's list last semester -- fucked if I'm not going to make it again... if only by sheer force of will. But then again, where the hell did that get me before.
I should really not use livejournal. It bites me in the ass far too much... but there's a lot to be said for honesty. There's just a lot more to be said against it.
I know that this isn't my failure, but that doesn't mean I didn't lose. It's like when mitch williams blew the world series when I was in fifth grade. I feel like the rest of the phillies must have felt -- not my fault, I did the best job I possibly could have... but that doesn't make it a victory. I stood up on my horse, reached out for the ring, and I wasn't tall enough. At least, that's how it feels. If I could have been more charming, tougher, cuter, better in bed... who knows? But I'm not. I'm me.
At least I still have a new years resolution. I need some kind of goal to keep me going.
There's so much more to say, but I really have no drive to say it. I'm sorry guys. The ADD will kick in after a day or so and I'll be fine. It's like a death in the family, you just need time to realize that your life has to go on without a given person, and you have to continue on. Alex is throwing some kind of party, and I'm probably going to get fucked up and go to the bar and make a total fool of myself. They don't call it escapism for nothin'. So I guess it's like a soap opera...
To be continued...