How to fix Peter Parker/Spiderman
There's been an attempt of late to revert Spider-Man to some "iconic" form, restoring the secret identity & re-establishing Petey's role as hapless Bugle freelancer. I can understand this. But clearly, the staff at Marvel & I have some profound differences as to what an iconic form is. If you're going to restore Spider-Man to a pure & classic form, there are some other things that really have to be done. And beyond simple "iconicity," there are some things you should do if you really care about Spidey being more than a stagnant joke like Archie Andrews. In rough order of importance:
1. Norman Osborn is dead. I don't mean you kill him again. I mean, retroactively, he's been dead. That was his karmic payback for killing Gwendy, & it's ridiculous to have Gwen dead & Norman Osborn alive. And don't give me this nonsense about Osborn being Spidey's greatest nemesis; it's insulting to Doc Ock, the Kingpin, & Hobgoblin to put them below that fool. For crying out loud, his iconic moment is being impaled by his own aircraft! If you really want a Lex Luthor equivalent, better to just use Lex Luthor & say it's the Marvel Universe form of him. OK, change his name to Lexington Loopner or something.
2. The deal with Mephisto never happened. Deals with the devil are not OK for a classic stand-up hero like Spidey. For all you arrested-at-13-years-old metalheads like Joe Quesada, here are some other things you should know if you had a full cultural education: The song "Iron Man" is not about the Marvel Comics character, KISS are posers, & there are more than three chords playable on a guitar.
3. The Straczynski run never happened. Seriously, put that in the crapfic file with Spider-Man: Reign. As AU fanfic, whatever. As canon, no way. Specifically:
_ 3a. No "The Other." You know & I know that nonsense isn't Spidey. Thankfully, here Marvel & I agree.
_ 3b. No Gwen sleeping with Norman Osborn Lex Luthor. I shouldn't have to tell you this.
_ 3c. While the unmasking has some real story potential, & has been suggested by fans since Ditko was on the book, there's no way it's going to be allowed to stand. The secret identity is too much part of the premise. So that's gone too.
4. Peter Parker has a graduate degree. He's a chemical engineering genius, this is part of the premise. Use it. In line with that-
5. Peter Parker is not working at the Bugle anymore. He doesn't need to; he has a grown-up job now. Maybe he's doing research at ESU, maybe he's teaching high school, maybe he's getting his doctorate & living of MJ's income; but he's got no reason to take pictures for JJJ anymore. That doesn't mean JJJ can't still pop up ranting about self-appointed "super-heroes," or Betty can't show up as one of Peter's friends. But the Daily Bugle is not where Petey needs to be.
6. Peter Parker is pushing thirty. There. I said it. Get over it.
7. He's married. Stan wants him to be married. The fans want him to be married. The only people who want Spider-Man not to be married are the staff at Marvel. What do you do, have a question on the employment application, "Should Spider-Man be married?" & only hire those who so emphatically check, "no," the pen tears through the paper? Now, most fans want him with MJ, obviously. Really, I'd be cool with him being married to Betty Brant, Liz Allen, Julia Carpenter (Spider-Step-Dad! I would read that), or Glory Grant. But I think the best solution may be to say that he saved Gwen that day & eventually married her. We've had 10 years of Norman alive & Gwen dead, may as well switch it. And it's definitely iconic. You can't say Gwen's death is too iconic to retcon if Norman's isn't.
8. No Clones. Gwen-Clone & Carrion were daft throwaway ideas in the first place. The clone revival in the 1990's was cute for a little while, but really, it got out of hand & became this whole other science-fiction premise that also is not Spider-Man. Petey has a great supporting cast; he really doesn't need multiple copies of himself, Gwendy, & their uni Bio instructor running around. Retcon all that, hard.
9. No "Symbiotes." There was only ever one symbiote costume on Earth, & it died in Web of Spider-Man #1. No Eddie, no Carnage, no Gargan; they never existed. Like the clones, that's some other premise that keeps threatening to take over.
Let's see, anything else? Flash's legs? What about Flash's legs? (Actually, that deserves its own post...)
1. Norman Osborn is dead. I don't mean you kill him again. I mean, retroactively, he's been dead. That was his karmic payback for killing Gwendy, & it's ridiculous to have Gwen dead & Norman Osborn alive. And don't give me this nonsense about Osborn being Spidey's greatest nemesis; it's insulting to Doc Ock, the Kingpin, & Hobgoblin to put them below that fool. For crying out loud, his iconic moment is being impaled by his own aircraft! If you really want a Lex Luthor equivalent, better to just use Lex Luthor & say it's the Marvel Universe form of him. OK, change his name to Lexington Loopner or something.
2. The deal with Mephisto never happened. Deals with the devil are not OK for a classic stand-up hero like Spidey. For all you arrested-at-13-years-old metalheads like Joe Quesada, here are some other things you should know if you had a full cultural education: The song "Iron Man" is not about the Marvel Comics character, KISS are posers, & there are more than three chords playable on a guitar.
3. The Straczynski run never happened. Seriously, put that in the crapfic file with Spider-Man: Reign. As AU fanfic, whatever. As canon, no way. Specifically:
_ 3a. No "The Other." You know & I know that nonsense isn't Spidey. Thankfully, here Marvel & I agree.
_ 3b. No Gwen sleeping with Norman Osborn Lex Luthor. I shouldn't have to tell you this.
_ 3c. While the unmasking has some real story potential, & has been suggested by fans since Ditko was on the book, there's no way it's going to be allowed to stand. The secret identity is too much part of the premise. So that's gone too.
4. Peter Parker has a graduate degree. He's a chemical engineering genius, this is part of the premise. Use it. In line with that-
5. Peter Parker is not working at the Bugle anymore. He doesn't need to; he has a grown-up job now. Maybe he's doing research at ESU, maybe he's teaching high school, maybe he's getting his doctorate & living of MJ's income; but he's got no reason to take pictures for JJJ anymore. That doesn't mean JJJ can't still pop up ranting about self-appointed "super-heroes," or Betty can't show up as one of Peter's friends. But the Daily Bugle is not where Petey needs to be.
6. Peter Parker is pushing thirty. There. I said it. Get over it.
7. He's married. Stan wants him to be married. The fans want him to be married. The only people who want Spider-Man not to be married are the staff at Marvel. What do you do, have a question on the employment application, "Should Spider-Man be married?" & only hire those who so emphatically check, "no," the pen tears through the paper? Now, most fans want him with MJ, obviously. Really, I'd be cool with him being married to Betty Brant, Liz Allen, Julia Carpenter (Spider-Step-Dad! I would read that), or Glory Grant. But I think the best solution may be to say that he saved Gwen that day & eventually married her. We've had 10 years of Norman alive & Gwen dead, may as well switch it. And it's definitely iconic. You can't say Gwen's death is too iconic to retcon if Norman's isn't.
8. No Clones. Gwen-Clone & Carrion were daft throwaway ideas in the first place. The clone revival in the 1990's was cute for a little while, but really, it got out of hand & became this whole other science-fiction premise that also is not Spider-Man. Petey has a great supporting cast; he really doesn't need multiple copies of himself, Gwendy, & their uni Bio instructor running around. Retcon all that, hard.
9. No "Symbiotes." There was only ever one symbiote costume on Earth, & it died in Web of Spider-Man #1. No Eddie, no Carnage, no Gargan; they never existed. Like the clones, that's some other premise that keeps threatening to take over.
Let's see, anything else? Flash's legs? What about Flash's legs? (Actually, that deserves its own post...)