Dirty Angel
Angel became rather dirty this morning as Priscilla (Hummel) and I went for a walk around the neighborhood of Nesbit Lakes. I've been staying with Debi B. at her house this week for the final week of CYT camp that didn't happen, inventoring costumes and the like. I must say that I really love it, more than I expected to. And that, quite frankly, is because I am with Christians who are christians and who love theatre as much as I do. (very frankly), I never feel that I have to compromise, or be uncomfortable, but more than that I feel encouraged. I didn't know this sort of thing existed. I always sort of felt that theatre and God couldn't really get along. I know, it's very wrong minded. But the conflict I've been feeling about a lot of areas in life has suddenly a glimmer of hope that it may not always be a conflict. I don't know, I could be wrong and there may very well be another path. I'm glad I don't have to worry about that. And I'm grateful for the friends I have here, and the christians at home and at GTA, and for all my friends in theatre (you are always just as loving and supportive as they can be! I hope I will be at least half as good to you as you have been to me.) Debi said tonight, when talking about her daughter, Calli (a very sweet girl), that the young man she is dating (Nate) while probably not the man she may or end up marrying (as they are only in sixth grade!), has set the bar very high for others to follow. And then she said,"Well, you know, every man in your life prepares you in some way for the man you're going to marry. In whatever way that may be." I found it comforting, but more than that, very interesting. Whether I get married or not I wonder what I have learned from the men in my life. Also, aside from all this, my brother is growing into a very Goddly young man, and I am so glad. (I would say proud, but I don't think it would make sense.) And I wish that he would marry Noel (but that is because I like her and want her to live with me, so in that case I wish he would marry all my friends. I don't care what he has to say about it!) But I am so amazed at how he is learning to lean on God through tough times, and I am really amazed at how similar Lauren and I seem to be. how much we struggle with God the Tyrant, instead of running to God the Father. Often it has seemed to me, especially in the last year, that my Father wants to take away my happiness, or is soley a God of Judgement and Justice, and I forget or don't believe or can't believe that He is a God of mercy and love, and infinite patience. I don't know why I find it hard for God to love me or forgive me. But I know in my own heart I am so sure that if I go His way, I'll loose everything I want and end up some weird, brainless zombie. But I was thinking this afternoon that people are happy when things go well, and unhappy when things don't go well. (And occasionally when things don't go well, or do go well for other people.) But giving a heart to God means that you find happiness, or joy, rather, in every situation, so in the end He really does live up to the promises He makes and more. Why is it always so hard to see? Why do I always want to run from the way I know is better than right, and more than good, and run instead until I smack into a wall or He gets my ear? I get that resentful 'happy-christians-don't-understand' which really comes from my not feeling that they (the people I somehow imagine have never sinned)will not really accept me, and also from my own pride and selfishness. We don't let people hug us because we think either they will think we are not huggable, or because we want to hug ourselves. Maybe that doesn't make sense. I'm not sure, it made sense in my head. Oh, well. :) I'm so ridiculous, I know. I'm glad too because it means that my convincing myself that I am really something wise doesn't last too long. God is very good, I'm sure of that.
I read a book in Calli's room yesterday called The Tale of Despereaux and it was tremendously wise and good as most children's books are. We should all read more books like that, I think they ought to be required reading for all ages. It was about an abnormally small mouse with large ears who falls in love with a human princess named Pea and goes to honor her on a quest to save her from an over-weight and nearly deaf kitchen girl (none-too-bright, but she was abused by her 'uncle', which is also why she's nearly deaf) named Miggery Sow, and a rat named Chiaruscaro (I think, maybe, it's the word for darkness and light existing together?) who's soul has been set afire by a glimpse of light in his early life, but whose heart was broken by Pea and then didn't mend back together quite right (as some hearts do.) And it is a very good story. It made me wish very much that I had a sweetheart that I could go on an impossible quest for and work very hard at it, and say 'I honor you', which is just an awesome thing to say to somebody, i think. Only they would probably be weired out. I don't know. But one of the things I liked best was that the book pointed out that stories are light, and that love, hope and a dream are ridiculous, but you should still follow them. Well, I won't ruin it for you anymore, go read it!
And I am looking forward to seeing all of you again soon in LJ land. I think, most definitely, there was nothing ever broken that couldn't be fixed in this world, or in the one to come.
Alright, bye now.
I read a book in Calli's room yesterday called The Tale of Despereaux and it was tremendously wise and good as most children's books are. We should all read more books like that, I think they ought to be required reading for all ages. It was about an abnormally small mouse with large ears who falls in love with a human princess named Pea and goes to honor her on a quest to save her from an over-weight and nearly deaf kitchen girl (none-too-bright, but she was abused by her 'uncle', which is also why she's nearly deaf) named Miggery Sow, and a rat named Chiaruscaro (I think, maybe, it's the word for darkness and light existing together?) who's soul has been set afire by a glimpse of light in his early life, but whose heart was broken by Pea and then didn't mend back together quite right (as some hearts do.) And it is a very good story. It made me wish very much that I had a sweetheart that I could go on an impossible quest for and work very hard at it, and say 'I honor you', which is just an awesome thing to say to somebody, i think. Only they would probably be weired out. I don't know. But one of the things I liked best was that the book pointed out that stories are light, and that love, hope and a dream are ridiculous, but you should still follow them. Well, I won't ruin it for you anymore, go read it!
And I am looking forward to seeing all of you again soon in LJ land. I think, most definitely, there was nothing ever broken that couldn't be fixed in this world, or in the one to come.
Alright, bye now.