The good, the bad, and the skin around my catheter (it doesn't get much uglier than that)
So. A lot has been going on, most of it unpleasant, but not all.
(good) Old college friend came for a visit. This was fun but (bad) would have been more fun two weeks earlier, when I still had energy.
(bad) my blood counts are in the toilet again. Or some sort of whirlpool. I guess a toilet is a whirlpool. (bad) I have "dangerously low sodium" which I didn't even know was possible, given everyone else's high-sodium issues. I've been "prescribed" two cups of boullion a day.
(really bad) Something has changed dramatically in the way my doctors think of me. They used to be very up, emphasizing the many available drugs and hopeful that I still have some more years. Now I'm getting questions like "Have you thought about hospice?" I'm not sure how to take this. In true oncologist fashion, they act as if they've the same thing all along, but they HAVEN'T. I've been feeling stunned, and I don't know if they're thinking "Hmmm, maybe only has two more years," or "Hmmm, I give her two months max." They never SAY this, of course, they always say they can't predict and you never know. In the meantime I can't do anything but hope the new chemo is working, but we don't know yet -- and enjoy my boulllion.
(good) Our house is filled with an astonishing array of delicious chocolate, since everyone but the oncologist knows what a girl really wants for her birthday.
(good) I've dug out an old novel I wrote 150 pages of and then abandoned for ET. Trying to rethink. Plot needs help. (bad) I don't think I'll be writing another new novel in my lifetime, so it seemed a good project. (bad) No word from any editors.
(bad) still draining a liter of fluid a day. (bad) Aikido, oy. Will I ever practice properly again? My boys take care of me, they encourage me and are patient, but I feel like I'm dragging the down.
(ugly) On second thought, let's skip the bit about thee shredded skin on my right side, from bandages coming on and off. (ugly) I need a haircut, but I've never cut my hair in its new curly, baby-thin form. How do I shape it? The Afro was easier to deal with. Not that anyone cares. But you'd be amazed to find how many people don't recognize me, with my skeletal face and my curly hair.
(good) Kitties. Except for the claws.
(bad) Remember Dr. Gloom, my old oncologist? He died a few weeks ago of his own cancer. I am not gloating about this at all. He was a very nice man and a good doctor, there was just something about my case that freaked him out.
(just plain odd) This week I had a mad, desperate craving for gummy bears, which I've even liked. I ate a whole package at once. Now I never want to see them again, ever. Life is strange.
* by the way, don't get the wrong impression. I am not in any pain. I feel fine -- well, other than wanting to nap all day. I mean, I'm fully capable of driving and shopping and cooking and doing laundry -- oh joy! And this is SO what I want to do with my life...I'm just more in a psychological space where I don't know quickly that all might turn around. Argh, wait and see.