feeling strangely...
old. and wizened. (sp?)
surely this will pass soon enough. but i was just in the shower, pondering as one will in the shower, thinking over some old friends that i haven't seen in a while, and how much i feel a lack of distance from them. in the moment, it seemed perfectly natural that we will see each other when the time comes, and it will pretty much be as it was, though perhaps much more relaxed.
i spoke to my friend rachel's mom the other night on the phone, and then ran into both her parents at the grocery store. the phone call was a little disconcerting because i hadn't spoken to kathy in almost a year, and so she did not know that i had dropped out of oberlin. Rachel and her whole family were very much part of my life in 2002 when i was trying very fucking hard to get into oberlin, so they've all been pretty disappointed for me that it didn't work out as such. but kathy was very adamant that i needed to go back to school TODAY basically and not waste all my previous effort (which i in no way feel like i've done. i'm happily finished with oberlin.) but it is a little odd to have your surrogate jewish mother telling you this 9 months after the fact.
but when i saw her at the grocery store, she was telling me about what rachel is up to, because rachel and i are horrible at keeping in touch, and it occured to me that for the first time kathy and i were seriously interacting as adults. it seemed like once she saw me in person, it was clear that i'm older and calmer, and slowly getting my shit together (or so i tell myself). the most interesting part was that she tried to tell me very carefully, as if i would be upset, that rachel wasn't religious any more, i.e., no more keeping shabbos etc.
to which my reply was: me either.
and this is very curious. i think a great deal about how much i have let go of since coming to oberlin, and what the processes have been that have led me to such a state. how much of it was mental reconditioning on my part, and how much was environmental. i feel MUCH healthier since i began oberlin, and healthier still since i've left. the two years i had there were intensely informative and formative. i think in some ways oberlin has the potential to drive us out of our minds while there, but for me it made my various neurosis so painfully obvious at times, and exaggerated them to such an extent that i HAD to let go... or i don't know what. continue being completely neurotic and frenetic 24/7. the downside of this is that i'm tremendously lazy now. which is not really a downside at all.
soo... back to the rachel bit. during the time that rachel and i were very close, we were both going through some rather intense spiritual struggles, which is a process that i remember well, but can't even fathom now. but that could change. for those of you who knew during the time that i was very involved w/ barya and the jew crew, and very absorbed in the mysticism, this was all preempted by the time that rachel and i spent together trying to figure things out a bit. i had become interested in hassidism via annie dillard writing about the bal shem tov, and was in the midst of a spiritual euphoria/furor around the end of 2001. then rachel moved back to town after graduating, and she had decided to go orthodox while in israel, i.e., praying 3 times a day, keeping kosher, keeping shabbos, long skirts. she still touched guys, thankfully. so we had an intense 9 months or so of spiritual discussion, questioning, seeking, praying, i don't even know what else. i felt a HUGE sense of loss, probably the greatest i have ever felt, when she moved to brooklyn and i moved to oberlin.
and so to find that now, two years and a few months later, we both surely arrived at some sort of similar stopping point, is very amusing and comforting. it's interesting that she was such an imperative in my life to become more religious, be more devout, seek divinity and meaning, and make myself UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY FUCKING MISERABLE in the process. and so i had to let go of so much of that. i can't really describe what a lengthy and disconcerting process it was to let it go, but seattle certainly helped. hanging out with obnoxious people who had converted to othordoxy also helped. realizing that expecting something outside of you to make you feel satisfied is really a cruel joke to play on yourself certainly helped.
at some point i came to the strange realization, over a long period of time, that everything always appears to be fucked up if you look at it that way. everything is in need of fixing if you are looking for things to be wrong. so the choice is not to look at it that way. which is what i've begun to do, with an amount of success that scares me some days. keeping in mind that i don't expect for a second to maintain this sort of detachment, and perhaps i'm simply not aware of how much stress i can be under, but i've been surprisingly calm about most things for a long time now. i don't have any explanation for this, and i think that's probably something that helps.
the point is that so much of my previous struggle was based on what rachel and i had in common. and having let go of that, i find that she has as well, completely distanced from each other. we haven't spoken in a year at this point.
it makes me feel old and good. it's a very comforting thought that when we speak next, we have our combined history, but hopefully things will be much more relaxed between us than they every were in the past. it's very simply comforting to think that we are both growing up, or something.
it's a damn awkward process, this whole growing up nonsense.
i need a nap.
surely this will pass soon enough. but i was just in the shower, pondering as one will in the shower, thinking over some old friends that i haven't seen in a while, and how much i feel a lack of distance from them. in the moment, it seemed perfectly natural that we will see each other when the time comes, and it will pretty much be as it was, though perhaps much more relaxed.
i spoke to my friend rachel's mom the other night on the phone, and then ran into both her parents at the grocery store. the phone call was a little disconcerting because i hadn't spoken to kathy in almost a year, and so she did not know that i had dropped out of oberlin. Rachel and her whole family were very much part of my life in 2002 when i was trying very fucking hard to get into oberlin, so they've all been pretty disappointed for me that it didn't work out as such. but kathy was very adamant that i needed to go back to school TODAY basically and not waste all my previous effort (which i in no way feel like i've done. i'm happily finished with oberlin.) but it is a little odd to have your surrogate jewish mother telling you this 9 months after the fact.
but when i saw her at the grocery store, she was telling me about what rachel is up to, because rachel and i are horrible at keeping in touch, and it occured to me that for the first time kathy and i were seriously interacting as adults. it seemed like once she saw me in person, it was clear that i'm older and calmer, and slowly getting my shit together (or so i tell myself). the most interesting part was that she tried to tell me very carefully, as if i would be upset, that rachel wasn't religious any more, i.e., no more keeping shabbos etc.
to which my reply was: me either.
and this is very curious. i think a great deal about how much i have let go of since coming to oberlin, and what the processes have been that have led me to such a state. how much of it was mental reconditioning on my part, and how much was environmental. i feel MUCH healthier since i began oberlin, and healthier still since i've left. the two years i had there were intensely informative and formative. i think in some ways oberlin has the potential to drive us out of our minds while there, but for me it made my various neurosis so painfully obvious at times, and exaggerated them to such an extent that i HAD to let go... or i don't know what. continue being completely neurotic and frenetic 24/7. the downside of this is that i'm tremendously lazy now. which is not really a downside at all.
soo... back to the rachel bit. during the time that rachel and i were very close, we were both going through some rather intense spiritual struggles, which is a process that i remember well, but can't even fathom now. but that could change. for those of you who knew during the time that i was very involved w/ barya and the jew crew, and very absorbed in the mysticism, this was all preempted by the time that rachel and i spent together trying to figure things out a bit. i had become interested in hassidism via annie dillard writing about the bal shem tov, and was in the midst of a spiritual euphoria/furor around the end of 2001. then rachel moved back to town after graduating, and she had decided to go orthodox while in israel, i.e., praying 3 times a day, keeping kosher, keeping shabbos, long skirts. she still touched guys, thankfully. so we had an intense 9 months or so of spiritual discussion, questioning, seeking, praying, i don't even know what else. i felt a HUGE sense of loss, probably the greatest i have ever felt, when she moved to brooklyn and i moved to oberlin.
and so to find that now, two years and a few months later, we both surely arrived at some sort of similar stopping point, is very amusing and comforting. it's interesting that she was such an imperative in my life to become more religious, be more devout, seek divinity and meaning, and make myself UTTERLY AND COMPLETELY FUCKING MISERABLE in the process. and so i had to let go of so much of that. i can't really describe what a lengthy and disconcerting process it was to let it go, but seattle certainly helped. hanging out with obnoxious people who had converted to othordoxy also helped. realizing that expecting something outside of you to make you feel satisfied is really a cruel joke to play on yourself certainly helped.
at some point i came to the strange realization, over a long period of time, that everything always appears to be fucked up if you look at it that way. everything is in need of fixing if you are looking for things to be wrong. so the choice is not to look at it that way. which is what i've begun to do, with an amount of success that scares me some days. keeping in mind that i don't expect for a second to maintain this sort of detachment, and perhaps i'm simply not aware of how much stress i can be under, but i've been surprisingly calm about most things for a long time now. i don't have any explanation for this, and i think that's probably something that helps.
the point is that so much of my previous struggle was based on what rachel and i had in common. and having let go of that, i find that she has as well, completely distanced from each other. we haven't spoken in a year at this point.
it makes me feel old and good. it's a very comforting thought that when we speak next, we have our combined history, but hopefully things will be much more relaxed between us than they every were in the past. it's very simply comforting to think that we are both growing up, or something.
it's a damn awkward process, this whole growing up nonsense.
i need a nap.