Pubescent Again?
Absurd, embarrassing, downright immoral: I report, You decide.
Some folks are born again. I haven't been born twice, but I'd swear I was having a second puberty at 23, and the ravages of another maturing are taking their toll on my mental health. If I don't get some sex, I'm going to go mad.
I never had a problem with lust in high school or my early college years. With a good conscience I can say that I didn't want sex and I didn't pay much attention to the ladies--if you could call freshmen high school girls ladies. Shit, I didn't have a clue what to do about the women back then, let alone want to make love to them.
But now, my God, I know exactly what I want to do with women. A little younger, a little older, hell, even a good bit older, same age, friends, friends of my parents--it's the same thought. Sure, I have other thoughts as well, I'm not wholly sinful, and I'm an impeccable gentlemen in my behavior, well, less the slyly placed glances, but still, no matter my manners or any other other ideas, eventually the thought's gonna pop up. Guaranteed.
Now, it's not just a ridiculous lusting that makes me think I'm passing through a second puberty. Admittedly, my voice isn't cracking, but I've got the pimples and the awkwardness to make up for that. I shamefully apply the cremes and ointments, and shit, I bump into something every day, dead serious, sometimes hard enough to make a dent. The latest casualty was my nose. Walked right into the door frame as I was making a corner, hurt like hell. The pain didn't last long though. Not a couple minutes later I was thinking about sex again, a fine distraction.
And then there's the, well, how does one best put this, hmm, need a good euphemism, yeah... There's the cleaning the cucumber. You ever cleaned a cucumber, washed it real good? Twice a day, my cucumber's clean folks, and still, on some days that's just not enough.
What the hell is wrong with me? This can't be normal. It must be some kind of male disease. That's the only sensible explanation. Please, do they make pills for this? Someone tell me. Order me some while I get to culling all the other sick young men who are suffering from the same symptoms. It's our only hope if young men everywhere aren't to go mad.