Lisen to ur heart...
well these past days and weeks have been so weird for me. I didnt know movin to the city would be so stressful. its not just that its the whole i work so damn much i cant get shit done. it sucks. i need to clean my bathroom i want to unpack alil more. do wash. lil things like that i cant realy do bc i need sleep. OH yea and im sick on top of all this so doesnt make things easyer for me... Also iv been goin thur alot with brian. i dont know what i want anymore. I know i do care alot about him, and he makes me happy, very happy. But the happyness is only skin deep at this point. i am happy for the times i see him and he makes me happy. But i dont feel happy over all. i dont feel complete. i know my life is in shambles right now and that has a big part to do with it, but i think theres more. this is what i think. i tell brian i need time and space. i say i wanna be single and not be a "we" but for me to be a we again i need to work some shit out. i need to find myself again. i need to renew my friendships and tighten them up. Friends are what i need. i need to have things in order b4 i can move forward. i hate that im hurting him, but this is whats best for me. i dont know any other options. i really dont think i can do any of this while with someone. i cant grow as a indiviual while tryin to build a relationship and a "we"... i hate it bc he does make me happy. BUT I need to make mysself happpy first. i am very dark inside from the last 2 1/2 years. its no ones fault but my own. I need to learn to love again lov emyself b4 i can anyone else. this really SUCKS. i hate life and all this shit it throws at you. ARG!!! i am so tryin to lisen to my heart but idk. it makes me wanna cry for days. i got off the phone today with brian and this was after alil fight and us discussinf us and i got off and i was in the car( drivin with the ex no less) and "scars" came on and i started BALLING!!! i havent cryed like that in a while about a boy. i do care alot but i need to fix my self. I HATE IT BUT i feel like thats brians song to me. i dont wanna lose a good thing but if time is what i need i guess i need it. ARG i am so confused i think writing it all down is helping me... WILL SEE...