The Final Word in Crazy.
This entry is about my parents. I chose this title because they are the final word in "crazy," plus this should be the final word on their craziness since I've finally given them the boot out of my life.
The following two pieces of writing are the last correspondence that I anticipate my parents and me having. The first is the email I sent them just after our phone conversation (last entry if you missed it), and the second is my mom's reply. What isn't included is the letter I sent by snail mail when it was obvious my parents weren't going to meet any of my conditions. I may try to reconstruct that letter at the bottom.
Read on if you want. I haven't had the courage to read my mom's letter, but Michelle tells me it's epic. I don't think I will read it because it will just upset me. I'll leave it up here as a testament to her craziness though.
-Philip
A few points after our conversation.
First, Stan, you made the statement "So it's ok for you to make mistakes but not for us to?" You're right, everyone makes mistakes and is allowed to, and everyone deserves forgiveness after truly recognizing their error and trying to make amends. But first, I hope you recognize the VAST difference between a parent making a mistake with their child and a child making a mistake. Parents can fuck up their kids for life; parents carry that much responsibility toward their kids. Can kids fuck up their parents for life? Do they bear the same responsibility? And as you all so often point out, "You're the adult and I'm the child." Tell me, which one should be expected to make more mistakes? Secondly, in your search for forgiveness and making things right you almost always skip the step I mentioned above where you express that you understand and regret your error and you try to make amends. Usually our conversations (including the one today) go like this:
ME: You did something that hurt me.
YOU: No we didn't.
ME: Yes you did, it went like this.
YOU: We don't remember that.
ME: Well I do.
YOU: Ok, well [vague mumbled apology here, not citing any specifics, not taking responsibility, not expressing any real remorse for hurting me, saying you're not perfect, pointing out all the good things you've done, pointing our your good intentions, etc. etc. etc., anything BUT simply owning your mistake and trying to make it right]
YOU: Now let's all pray and forget about it.
That kind of mechanism solves no conflicts and improves no relationship. It doesn't fly with anyone, and it will not fly with me.
Onto another topic, religion.
I value the right of everyone to believe whatever they want to believe. But first of all, I expect the same courtesy and second, someone's right to their beliefs ends where my own self-protection and sovereignty begin. When your beliefs or the actions they motivate hurt me or someone else, they are no longer sacrosanct. They are no longer protected, respected, or valued in any way. They are no longer a justification for anything, and if you want to have a healthy relationship with me you will understand that.
You still need to go a long, looonnnnng way toward understanding how deeply hurtful some of your parenting practices were. Not just that, but the people and systems whose hands you put me into were often equally hurtful. All the religion that was shoved down my throat since birth, that shit hasn't served me; it's harmed me. You DO NEED to understand that if you're going to understand me and where I'm coming from. We can get into more detail about that too. Trust me, I was takin' notes.
You can point to your good intentions, you can point out the things you did right by me, you can point toward the bible, you can try to discredit my memory, you can try to soothe me with vague one-size-fits-all apologies. But none of that will matter, and none of it will improve our relationship--which if you haven't noticed is in pretty bad shape.
Also, I hate to be blunt and I will be as tactful on this point as I can. I truly do not want to hurt your feelings here. But when you start thinking that what you did was right or was good enough, take stock of the larger picture. For instance, how many healthy relationships do you maintain? Of your three children, how many do you often see, and how freely are love, respect, and trust exchanged between you? **[see below] How involved are you with your own families, the ones I don't even know? Do you have many friends? Do you get along with people at church and work? Do people treat you with respect?
Things will have to be different between you and I before we can move forward. For now, these are the rules.
(1) You will NOT discredit my memory. You will not say "we don't remember it that way" or any other such excuse. If you love me as your child and respect me as an intelligent, honest, capable adult--and you fucking better, honestly--then you'll trust my memory of those events. The hurt happened to ME, after all, not to you; which party do you THINK would better remember the incident?
(2) You will not speak to me about religion. I've had more than enough of that from you. The religion that I was forced to believe in was harmful in ways that you do not and most likely will not understand. Let it be enough for you that I've had enough. Never bring it up again, unless it's in a normal context such as "Oh what did you do today?" "Oh I went to church." Anything beyond that is off-limits.
(3) You will be polite and respectful, one adult to another, to me and Michelle. If you meet my step children or our biological children you will be respectful to them as well, and with them ESPECIALLY there will be no tolerance for the breaking of rule number 2. Understand?
(4) You will do your best to understand my feelings and positions, and you will do your best not to discourage or contradict me. This is especially important when we have conflicts, as all relationships (healthy or otherwise) eventually do. You'll learn to solve those problems with me in normal, constructive ways, as one loving respectful adult to another loving respectful adult. There are many books on the subject of conflict resolution if you need more instructions in this area.
Understand--you have caused me very serious harm, and caused our relationship serious harm as well. THIS IS your doing. If you cannot or will not take responsibility, or if you try to push that responsibility on me, the "child" that you always refer to, then we are over. But on the bright side, if you can learn a new way of being and a new way of treating then you and I actually have a future. Which do you prefer?
And just so you know, this is not emotional blackmail. It's also not a threat--and if it were, it would ESPECIALLY not be an empty one. I've suffered a lot of injuries in the past, and I will not suffer them again. That means cutting the things out of my life that are hurting me, such as religion, self-doubt, the need for approval, etc. Don't put yourself on that list. And furthermore, there's no reason that I had to even reach out to you this way. I could be nothing but anger and hatred for the rest of my life. One of your children has already taken that road, and I'm giving you another option.
We can be positive things in each others' lives. We can give and receive the love and respect we always should have. But it will require work, and the same-ol-same-ol will not cut it. Period. Not for any length of time whatsoever. So think carefully before you interact with me.
**[You might try evaluating this by simply giving your children a questionaire, with questions like "how much do you trust me," "how free to you feel to express differing opinions," etc.]
P.S. This is Philip again.
One of the things that will help us move forward is for you to make a true apology to me. I'll make any necessary apologies too, 'cuz that's how I treat people. If there's anything I've done to hurt you beyond normal mistakes that children make, let me know so I can make amends. But anyway, a true apology (as I've said) means expressing true regret for specific things. I realize that I didn't get into a lot of specifics in this email, and in the future I will if you're interested. (I trust you understand what it will mean if you AREN'T interested.) It's kind of like what you guys used to say about prayer--you have to be specific. You have to do the same with me and for anyone else you want to keep up a good relationship with.
I don't have the time or emotional reserves to get into all of it today, but if you want to make things right then you'll want to hear about it in the future. I suggest email as the best way to correspond if we handle this ourselves. I think family therapy would be an even better solution, but that might be difficult to arrange.
Still with me? Now onto my mom's reply...
Dear Phil,
I woke up at 6:30 this am, unusual for me, and felt impressed to
write you. I agree that as young believers we were overly zealous to
the point of being legalistic in our child raising. We sincerely wish
we could have undone many things that happened and could have given
you more grace and the latitude to love God more personally and
intimately and embrace His word in the bible, not out of fear, but a
letter to His beloved. God tried to stop me, but I ran all the red
lights. It's not his fault. I never felt equipped to be a mother.
Lisa terrified me. Most nights I cried myself to sleep. I wanted my
sister to raise Lisa but Dad said that was wrong. Lisa and I were the
classic difficult child/non-nurturing mother scenario. We sincerely
repent and apologise for our lack and hurting you and Lisa. We
understand that it has wounded you greviously to the point that you
believe you can never be healed. This is not true. God healed Joseph
who was abandoned and sold into slavery by his family. God wants to
heal you and make you whole and free but He needs your permission and
your faith. Joseph named one of his sons Mannasah, which means God
causes me to forget, and the other son he named Ephriam, which means
doubly fruitful and this is my hope for you.
Because you are both now parents, you have the responsibility to
guide your children's paths. I never met a child who didn't want to
know God. Don't punish them for the sins of their parents or
grandparents. Why should their eternal souls be in peril because you
are afraid to allow them to experience God? They will not know Him on
their own, they must be taught before they are enamoured more by the
things of this world and have no time or place for God.
More importantly, why punish YOURSELF? The Bible is more than a
history book, it contains signal lights to guide us. Red (like the 10
commandments). Yellow means watch your step and green (all the
promises) means full speed ahead to a life of blessing. This is NOT a
life of God-induced unreality however. The suffering and struggles
are real, but isn't it better that we struggle and limp our way into
heaven where all our tears will be wiped away and there will be no
more pain? The stark reality is that we all belong to God and we will
have to give account to him for our lives. No excuses will cut it
with him! What choices did we make with our lives? Jesus said except
a man is born again he cannot enter into heaven and the alternative is
REALLY bad. Look around you, you're smart, everywhere you look you
will see the fingerprints of intelligent design. WHO is the designer?
Evolution contradicts science that tells us in the second law of
thermodynamics that all matter decays from a higher state to a lower
less complex one. Unbelief is a very powerful, frightening strong
hold. Faith breaks the power of unbelief and brings us from realm of
glory to the next.
Don't believe the lie that we are some kind of terrible,
dysfunctional family. We had many days of joy and we were all music
lovers. The more concerts, the better.
I realise that you will never understand about Lisa. I never will
either. A counselor says she has attachment disorder. I think you do
too because you attached yourself to her instead of your real mother.
She was extremely jealous of you boys and I believe she still is. I
think hearing your pain reinforces her pain and vice versa. I pray
for both of you to stop the cycle of unforgiveness and bitterness and
be healed. Can you see it? I never noticed any problems with you
before you started communicating with her. Suggestion can be a very
powerful thing, good or bad. No one had a perfect childhood. God,
who is perfect, had two rebellious kids whose sons committed murder!
Billy Graham and Oral Roberts both had problems. Jesus lost his
father at an early age and his siblings mocked him.
Offence and unforgiveness are dangerous strongholds. Red lights.
We must forgive ourselves and forgive others as well. One wise man
said there are only 2 kinds of people, hurters and liars. Just
because I didn't allow my children to see or hear my pain doesn't mean
it didn't exist. It was real, and at times incapacitating, but very
private between me, God and Dad, where it will remain. Under the
blood of Jesus,. When I stand before God I may not recieve rewards
for good deeds, but heaven will be enough, how about you?
I plan on putting the past to rest and never discussing it again. I
hope you will understand my need for this boundary.
Love Mom and Dad
The following two pieces of writing are the last correspondence that I anticipate my parents and me having. The first is the email I sent them just after our phone conversation (last entry if you missed it), and the second is my mom's reply. What isn't included is the letter I sent by snail mail when it was obvious my parents weren't going to meet any of my conditions. I may try to reconstruct that letter at the bottom.
Read on if you want. I haven't had the courage to read my mom's letter, but Michelle tells me it's epic. I don't think I will read it because it will just upset me. I'll leave it up here as a testament to her craziness though.
-Philip
A few points after our conversation.
First, Stan, you made the statement "So it's ok for you to make mistakes but not for us to?" You're right, everyone makes mistakes and is allowed to, and everyone deserves forgiveness after truly recognizing their error and trying to make amends. But first, I hope you recognize the VAST difference between a parent making a mistake with their child and a child making a mistake. Parents can fuck up their kids for life; parents carry that much responsibility toward their kids. Can kids fuck up their parents for life? Do they bear the same responsibility? And as you all so often point out, "You're the adult and I'm the child." Tell me, which one should be expected to make more mistakes? Secondly, in your search for forgiveness and making things right you almost always skip the step I mentioned above where you express that you understand and regret your error and you try to make amends. Usually our conversations (including the one today) go like this:
ME: You did something that hurt me.
YOU: No we didn't.
ME: Yes you did, it went like this.
YOU: We don't remember that.
ME: Well I do.
YOU: Ok, well [vague mumbled apology here, not citing any specifics, not taking responsibility, not expressing any real remorse for hurting me, saying you're not perfect, pointing out all the good things you've done, pointing our your good intentions, etc. etc. etc., anything BUT simply owning your mistake and trying to make it right]
YOU: Now let's all pray and forget about it.
That kind of mechanism solves no conflicts and improves no relationship. It doesn't fly with anyone, and it will not fly with me.
Onto another topic, religion.
I value the right of everyone to believe whatever they want to believe. But first of all, I expect the same courtesy and second, someone's right to their beliefs ends where my own self-protection and sovereignty begin. When your beliefs or the actions they motivate hurt me or someone else, they are no longer sacrosanct. They are no longer protected, respected, or valued in any way. They are no longer a justification for anything, and if you want to have a healthy relationship with me you will understand that.
You still need to go a long, looonnnnng way toward understanding how deeply hurtful some of your parenting practices were. Not just that, but the people and systems whose hands you put me into were often equally hurtful. All the religion that was shoved down my throat since birth, that shit hasn't served me; it's harmed me. You DO NEED to understand that if you're going to understand me and where I'm coming from. We can get into more detail about that too. Trust me, I was takin' notes.
You can point to your good intentions, you can point out the things you did right by me, you can point toward the bible, you can try to discredit my memory, you can try to soothe me with vague one-size-fits-all apologies. But none of that will matter, and none of it will improve our relationship--which if you haven't noticed is in pretty bad shape.
Also, I hate to be blunt and I will be as tactful on this point as I can. I truly do not want to hurt your feelings here. But when you start thinking that what you did was right or was good enough, take stock of the larger picture. For instance, how many healthy relationships do you maintain? Of your three children, how many do you often see, and how freely are love, respect, and trust exchanged between you? **[see below] How involved are you with your own families, the ones I don't even know? Do you have many friends? Do you get along with people at church and work? Do people treat you with respect?
Things will have to be different between you and I before we can move forward. For now, these are the rules.
(1) You will NOT discredit my memory. You will not say "we don't remember it that way" or any other such excuse. If you love me as your child and respect me as an intelligent, honest, capable adult--and you fucking better, honestly--then you'll trust my memory of those events. The hurt happened to ME, after all, not to you; which party do you THINK would better remember the incident?
(2) You will not speak to me about religion. I've had more than enough of that from you. The religion that I was forced to believe in was harmful in ways that you do not and most likely will not understand. Let it be enough for you that I've had enough. Never bring it up again, unless it's in a normal context such as "Oh what did you do today?" "Oh I went to church." Anything beyond that is off-limits.
(3) You will be polite and respectful, one adult to another, to me and Michelle. If you meet my step children or our biological children you will be respectful to them as well, and with them ESPECIALLY there will be no tolerance for the breaking of rule number 2. Understand?
(4) You will do your best to understand my feelings and positions, and you will do your best not to discourage or contradict me. This is especially important when we have conflicts, as all relationships (healthy or otherwise) eventually do. You'll learn to solve those problems with me in normal, constructive ways, as one loving respectful adult to another loving respectful adult. There are many books on the subject of conflict resolution if you need more instructions in this area.
Understand--you have caused me very serious harm, and caused our relationship serious harm as well. THIS IS your doing. If you cannot or will not take responsibility, or if you try to push that responsibility on me, the "child" that you always refer to, then we are over. But on the bright side, if you can learn a new way of being and a new way of treating then you and I actually have a future. Which do you prefer?
And just so you know, this is not emotional blackmail. It's also not a threat--and if it were, it would ESPECIALLY not be an empty one. I've suffered a lot of injuries in the past, and I will not suffer them again. That means cutting the things out of my life that are hurting me, such as religion, self-doubt, the need for approval, etc. Don't put yourself on that list. And furthermore, there's no reason that I had to even reach out to you this way. I could be nothing but anger and hatred for the rest of my life. One of your children has already taken that road, and I'm giving you another option.
We can be positive things in each others' lives. We can give and receive the love and respect we always should have. But it will require work, and the same-ol-same-ol will not cut it. Period. Not for any length of time whatsoever. So think carefully before you interact with me.
**[You might try evaluating this by simply giving your children a questionaire, with questions like "how much do you trust me," "how free to you feel to express differing opinions," etc.]
P.S. This is Philip again.
One of the things that will help us move forward is for you to make a true apology to me. I'll make any necessary apologies too, 'cuz that's how I treat people. If there's anything I've done to hurt you beyond normal mistakes that children make, let me know so I can make amends. But anyway, a true apology (as I've said) means expressing true regret for specific things. I realize that I didn't get into a lot of specifics in this email, and in the future I will if you're interested. (I trust you understand what it will mean if you AREN'T interested.) It's kind of like what you guys used to say about prayer--you have to be specific. You have to do the same with me and for anyone else you want to keep up a good relationship with.
I don't have the time or emotional reserves to get into all of it today, but if you want to make things right then you'll want to hear about it in the future. I suggest email as the best way to correspond if we handle this ourselves. I think family therapy would be an even better solution, but that might be difficult to arrange.
Still with me? Now onto my mom's reply...
Dear Phil,
I woke up at 6:30 this am, unusual for me, and felt impressed to
write you. I agree that as young believers we were overly zealous to
the point of being legalistic in our child raising. We sincerely wish
we could have undone many things that happened and could have given
you more grace and the latitude to love God more personally and
intimately and embrace His word in the bible, not out of fear, but a
letter to His beloved. God tried to stop me, but I ran all the red
lights. It's not his fault. I never felt equipped to be a mother.
Lisa terrified me. Most nights I cried myself to sleep. I wanted my
sister to raise Lisa but Dad said that was wrong. Lisa and I were the
classic difficult child/non-nurturing mother scenario. We sincerely
repent and apologise for our lack and hurting you and Lisa. We
understand that it has wounded you greviously to the point that you
believe you can never be healed. This is not true. God healed Joseph
who was abandoned and sold into slavery by his family. God wants to
heal you and make you whole and free but He needs your permission and
your faith. Joseph named one of his sons Mannasah, which means God
causes me to forget, and the other son he named Ephriam, which means
doubly fruitful and this is my hope for you.
Because you are both now parents, you have the responsibility to
guide your children's paths. I never met a child who didn't want to
know God. Don't punish them for the sins of their parents or
grandparents. Why should their eternal souls be in peril because you
are afraid to allow them to experience God? They will not know Him on
their own, they must be taught before they are enamoured more by the
things of this world and have no time or place for God.
More importantly, why punish YOURSELF? The Bible is more than a
history book, it contains signal lights to guide us. Red (like the 10
commandments). Yellow means watch your step and green (all the
promises) means full speed ahead to a life of blessing. This is NOT a
life of God-induced unreality however. The suffering and struggles
are real, but isn't it better that we struggle and limp our way into
heaven where all our tears will be wiped away and there will be no
more pain? The stark reality is that we all belong to God and we will
have to give account to him for our lives. No excuses will cut it
with him! What choices did we make with our lives? Jesus said except
a man is born again he cannot enter into heaven and the alternative is
REALLY bad. Look around you, you're smart, everywhere you look you
will see the fingerprints of intelligent design. WHO is the designer?
Evolution contradicts science that tells us in the second law of
thermodynamics that all matter decays from a higher state to a lower
less complex one. Unbelief is a very powerful, frightening strong
hold. Faith breaks the power of unbelief and brings us from realm of
glory to the next.
Don't believe the lie that we are some kind of terrible,
dysfunctional family. We had many days of joy and we were all music
lovers. The more concerts, the better.
I realise that you will never understand about Lisa. I never will
either. A counselor says she has attachment disorder. I think you do
too because you attached yourself to her instead of your real mother.
She was extremely jealous of you boys and I believe she still is. I
think hearing your pain reinforces her pain and vice versa. I pray
for both of you to stop the cycle of unforgiveness and bitterness and
be healed. Can you see it? I never noticed any problems with you
before you started communicating with her. Suggestion can be a very
powerful thing, good or bad. No one had a perfect childhood. God,
who is perfect, had two rebellious kids whose sons committed murder!
Billy Graham and Oral Roberts both had problems. Jesus lost his
father at an early age and his siblings mocked him.
Offence and unforgiveness are dangerous strongholds. Red lights.
We must forgive ourselves and forgive others as well. One wise man
said there are only 2 kinds of people, hurters and liars. Just
because I didn't allow my children to see or hear my pain doesn't mean
it didn't exist. It was real, and at times incapacitating, but very
private between me, God and Dad, where it will remain. Under the
blood of Jesus,. When I stand before God I may not recieve rewards
for good deeds, but heaven will be enough, how about you?
I plan on putting the past to rest and never discussing it again. I
hope you will understand my need for this boundary.
Love Mom and Dad