Ho Hum
Sorry I haven't been around lately. I'm probably two weeks behind on my friends' entries, and I'll tell you now that I don't see myself ever getting caught up.
I've been trying to sort a lot of shit out since the breakup. More than that I've just been trying to keep it together, which has been really fucking hard.
I think...I hope...that I'm finding my feet a little. I've decided to stay in Houston for the time being to attend the paralegal certification program at the U of H. My job should pay for 60% of it, which is nice. Everyone seems to support this idea, which is good because I've having a terrible time having confidence in myself or anything else.
There's this unending dull pain that keeps my stomach tied in knots all day. I think physical fatigue is playing a part in that, since I haven't slept right for probably a month. But I think it's also just the grieving process, too. Whatever the cause, the effect it has is that it's hard to eat and hard to really "feel" anything. If someone handed me a check for $1,000,000 I don't think I could even smile or get excited. I think I'd just say "thanks" and go back to feeling lost and glum.
What's worst is that I feel lost in my own thoughts. I'm used to having a fairly powerful mind that I can steer pretty easily, and emotions that are appropriate and under control. Right now everything feels shaken loose. I don't have a sense of confidence in my own thoughts, and I don't have feelings helping to guide me when making decisions or anything. I just have scattered thoughts and numbed senses. It's making life really hard, because it's hard for me to have that sense of "yes this is the right answer" to help me commit to anything. It's completely disorienting. It's something that I would like to stop, and hopefully it's something that will stop on its own soon. God help me if it doesn't, really, cuz I've been making some real blunders in the absence of my normal decision-making faculties. (Which arguably weren't that good to begin with.)
Anyway, I felt better today than yesterday, and better yesterday than the day before so I'm cautiously optimistic that I'm starting to hold things together better. I'm trying to sleep well and eat whatever I can, and hopefully that will keep me physically and psychologically healthy enough to get through this. The sooner the better.
I've been trying to sort a lot of shit out since the breakup. More than that I've just been trying to keep it together, which has been really fucking hard.
I think...I hope...that I'm finding my feet a little. I've decided to stay in Houston for the time being to attend the paralegal certification program at the U of H. My job should pay for 60% of it, which is nice. Everyone seems to support this idea, which is good because I've having a terrible time having confidence in myself or anything else.
There's this unending dull pain that keeps my stomach tied in knots all day. I think physical fatigue is playing a part in that, since I haven't slept right for probably a month. But I think it's also just the grieving process, too. Whatever the cause, the effect it has is that it's hard to eat and hard to really "feel" anything. If someone handed me a check for $1,000,000 I don't think I could even smile or get excited. I think I'd just say "thanks" and go back to feeling lost and glum.
What's worst is that I feel lost in my own thoughts. I'm used to having a fairly powerful mind that I can steer pretty easily, and emotions that are appropriate and under control. Right now everything feels shaken loose. I don't have a sense of confidence in my own thoughts, and I don't have feelings helping to guide me when making decisions or anything. I just have scattered thoughts and numbed senses. It's making life really hard, because it's hard for me to have that sense of "yes this is the right answer" to help me commit to anything. It's completely disorienting. It's something that I would like to stop, and hopefully it's something that will stop on its own soon. God help me if it doesn't, really, cuz I've been making some real blunders in the absence of my normal decision-making faculties. (Which arguably weren't that good to begin with.)
Anyway, I felt better today than yesterday, and better yesterday than the day before so I'm cautiously optimistic that I'm starting to hold things together better. I'm trying to sleep well and eat whatever I can, and hopefully that will keep me physically and psychologically healthy enough to get through this. The sooner the better.