More shit...it's a bunch of nonsense...don't read if you don't want to

Jun 09, 2006 10:06

I fucking hate them. I was clean today (and for awhile) cause it's summer time...and the livin' ain't that easy...very few of you will understand that...but I got this wierd thing going on...I can't stop messing with my left arm and the elbow joint. I have to keep holding it or scratching it...it really fucking hurts. But I cannot stop. I start doing it subconciously. So I eventualy put a ACE bandage around it, try to give it some protection. Told my family that I just stretched it wrong. But I keep messing with it. And my entire body feels like dead weight. Like it shouldn't be living. Mmmmmm...need oxy...I need to relax.

I'm so weird. I never listen to myself...ever. I tell myself...STOP SCRATCHING! Do I listen to myself though?...no. I tell myself, SHE'S FALLING FOR YUOR BEST FRIEND BREAK UP WITH HER! Do I listen to myself? No. DON'T FALL FOR HER! YOU DON'T NEED ANOTHER BAND-AID!...Do I listen to myself...no. I never listen to myself. Do I really hate myself that much? Do I really do things I know I shouldn't do out of spite? To whom? Myself? Revolt against myself? Is that even possible? Am I doing it to try and gain something? What do I have to gain?

Metaphore time: I don't have enough to make anything. You need wood and tools to make a house right? Well it seems like all I have it the wood. Nothing to keep it together. I see the blue prints but I can't make it work. And what I thaught were nails was simply glue. And then a wind storm came and it fell apart. I'm trying to improvise. But I'm afraid the effort will go to waste. A waste of space, breath and time. And I'm running out of ideas...

Get it?...no you probably didn't. A lot of you are too stupid a naive to understand what the fuck I'm saying. And Yes...I am being an ass hole...and I don't care. All I care about right now is ranting and raving and not fucking caring about whatever the fuck you people see. I'm letting go and I want you all to see. There are few pieces of me that I'm leaving behind. I don't want them, but they haunt me. And some of you keep throwing them back in my face. You stopped though...most ofyou anyways. I finaly showed, what I really felt, what I really saw...and you ran like the cowards you are. I don't blame you. I can be vicious. I can rip you up and down into shreds emotionaly. Assuming you have one ounce of care for me in the world. Some of you let that go. You fucking bitch specialy.

I gave everything I had to her. I gave it my best shot. Not to just her but to live life in general. And I made one fatal mistake...I had faith in people. I had TRUST in people. I'm tired of this fucking lottery. I'm just fucking tired of it! Well everybody is sick and tiredof somethin' round here, eh?

I'm still here...why am I still here. what the fuck is it I need to do? What can't I just let go? Why won't my thread of time go away? just fade into the abstract. Is it cause of my family? Is it cause of her? Maybe, or maybe I have more faith than I thaught. Faith in the future that is. Why the fuck would I care? It's all about the now anywmore. That's all this fucking generation (myself included) gives a damn about! We are all selfish little brats who need a severe case of ass kicking. Somebody please...kick my fucking ass.

I don't like anyone anymore...all I can do is see faults...I once saw the beauty in everyone...now I'm having a hard time with that. Even in my own mother for god's sake! I can't see anymore...I'm blind. I'm fucking blind and I can't push this shroud away. I might as well gauge out my eyes for all that it fucking matters. No wait...I do see something...not that I'll ever admit it...but I do see something...but heel, the shroud will probably take over sooner than later anyways. maybe I just want it that way. probably. I don't fucking know.

I can't think straight...I can't...I just can't. This confusion is getting the best of me....I need to stop. but hell, when did I start listening to myself eh?

Random but I worte this to someone at some point... I'm funny because I want to hide my arrogance from people. And I want to hide how weak of a person I really am behind my arrogance. I wanted so much to be this person...and I never became him. I thaught I was...I really did. but it doesn't matter does it? I'm just a child. I'm a fucking child. And I'm so old...so old. Can't you my walls are crumblin' down? and Can't you see?

Through the door I hear her cyin' 'why?...I don't know...

Sorry random song lyrics keep popping up. It happens. you'll get over it I promise. If you're still reading that is...which would honestly be surprising since this a whole lot of nonsense and is probably giving you a headache right now. cause I'm just spilling my thaughts onto this blog. and it keeps pouring and pouring and pouring.

Holy Fuck it's 1:50...oh well...

I can feel something inside me right now...it's odd...it's nothing...I feel nothing in me anymore. I feel...like air. I feel nothing. not the good kind of nothing...not the numbness I get from oxydrugs...the kind you get when you're alone for too long. and the only thing you know is what is directly around you...notinside of you and not beyond you...just empty. and confined...yet lost....fear. I'm afraid...I'm afraid of what I'm saying...ofwhat I'm giving up if I let my thaughts consume me. ...I think it's too late for that.

Lift me up to where I belong. I need to belong somewhere in this fucked up world...somewhere better...I deserve better! I don't have a high opinion of myself...but I know I need better. please...take me somewhere better...please?...I need to...to...go somewher, be something, be someONE. I am NO ONE. How fucking sad is that. I barely even have a senseof self.

I need tothrow it all away. Throw everything I am away. let it all rot in the pits of hell. I need to become someone new...But...what of who I am now...was it all pointless?...it was...wasn't it. all those wasted hours...tearing down and building up my walls...wasted... there's nothing left now...it's just a wasteland now. I need to get out of thisdesert...I hope I find somewhere better this time...please...please, let me be better...
Previous post Next post
Up