Friends Pt.1

[pheonixfulder]

Ok....(discontented sigh) THIS will not end quickly; none of u may enjoy this. This is me,within! I've been taking moral/emotional inventory and have found I'm bankrupt and devoid of fulfillment in areas that account for a sumly portion of my being. FRIENDS. I equate my friendships by the occurences,emotions,decisions-made,and shared-communion/intimacy I and said prospective "friend" experience during our united-walk.I have found that there are tiers to my friendships and have been able to classify ppl I've encountered into those tiers to great effect. Lately, I've been very introverted, though, few would notice, and I've realized how unsatisfied w/my friends I am. The haunting-bells began to toll almost a month ago and have only since volumized to the point of autonomic conscious-awareness. It's been during this dispensation of time that my musical repertoire,vocal prowess,and thought-processes have channeled a new vernacular of bleak,somber,crestfallen,and ominous articulations.("Caught Out There","Survivor rmx","Sadiddy","Scab","Fighter", etc cited) Through my self-endeavor I've gleaned the common denominator for my friendships' displeasure is unbalance. I've found that inasmuch as I care immensely and exact LOVE upon my {upper-echelon} friends, that I don't fully enjoy the boomerang-effect thereof. In clarity, do be assured this forgoes the blasphemy of monies/items borrowed an owed,but more pertinently, the living,caring,sharing,and fostering of those friendships that leaves me wanting. I've scads of numbers of so-called , but more aptly titled pseudo-aqcuaintances,personal-friends who, when I'm lonely and need some understanding or seek mental stimulation, never seem to be available,even knowing they've called me either @ a crossroads or in tears many a night for advice.Unbalance. I've got those "wannabe's"who only see me @work/in passing and somehow derive such emphatic closeness to me.Unbalance. I have even those "seasonal-friends" who will only befriend me during certain cycles of their lives,only to cast me upon my countenance @ their life's next positive turn.Unbalance. I have my "mysterious-friends" who I only know a short while,will only see me on their terms and timing,and would blatantly disregard me in the "pursuit" of BETTER.Unbalance I say! To U all, I give u the account of Kelis:"What is this I see
You dont come home to me (uh-uh)
When you dont come home to me
Cant deal, cant bear (told you I wont)

You keep tellin me lies
But to your surprise
Look, I got somethin for yall
Since youre caught out there

I hate you so much right now
I hate you so much right now
Ugh...
I hate you so much right now!"
and I hurt myself for loving you....

I break!