... random rant ...

[pheonix_servant]

I have issues. A fact that should be known by now to all that i know. If not... wow, you must spend way to much time in your own little world. But, anyway... part of my issues is that i can become torn by them. On one side (i just tried to spell that "On won") i love Bri with all my heart and want to give her the world and protect her. But on the other side she is the only person i can vent to. And when i do that it generally starts with me getting mad over something (which, last time would never have happened... but now i speak my mind) and, having a not so long fuse, blowing up... And it happens around her most cause she is the one that brings out every quality i have. I hate myself for hurting her, but i love myself for making her happy. Hence my being torn. Also... i have been thinking, about whats happened in recent years. And its like my life has been moving on one track, everything leading in one direction... except for nine months that don't seem to fit in. For the nine months i was with Bree, my entire life was flipped around, and i was thrown off the tracks i had been on. No, i'm not saying i didn't like it, or that i regret it... I'm just having a hard time getting back onto the track. The one i want to be on. I missed soo much time with Bri... and missed her soo much during the time. All i've wanted to do, since i met her, was to get close to her, get into her mind and figure out how it works (was gonna say "get inside her..." but after the game of scrabble earlier, mind in gutter) And i felt like i was making progress... But then i did the worst thing i could do... and lost all progress... Lost so much time i could have had. And thats why its so hard to get back on the track. my mind is so jumbled, i so totally lost what i was thinking about, so i guess i have to move on to something else. I am sorry, whoever is reading this right now. I'm just in an odd mood and, well... yeah. There is one thing i have to say. Josh, well i know you will probably never read this, but i could show it to you one day. But anyway, I'm sorry. I know that i was misinformed (told the wrong thing) about how much you did it. And thats why i was so mad about it. I know its not the case, but it just seems like Bree wanted to screw up the last month or so that she stayed with me (Bree, if you are reading, i said i know its not, so no need to defend yourself) because its like she wanted to completely focus my attention on her, so it would hurt more when she broke up with me. And in order to do that she had to cut out you (meaning josh in case anyone lost track). I guess what i really need to say is that i'm sorry i wasn't there to help ya when you needed me most. Now, Brandon. Once again, i doubt that you will ever read this... but, what the hell is your phone number? i know i had it... i know ya gave it to me... but hell if i know where it is. Believe it or not i miss ya... so tell me how i can contact you! Okay, last on the list... maybe. Tedo. Okay... where to begin. Okay, nothing against you, or candice... but you are too young. Hell, you were gonna be the one to settle down... well, when your body fell apart. I know what its like to want to spend your life with someone. But come on, at least wait till you both can drink LEGALLY at your own wedding. If you want to know you will get married, just be engaged for a while. Oh, and if ya can... >.> ... <.< ... get me enemy weapons... lol.

okay, mind went blank...

still waiting...

Okay, sorry, got somethin now. wait, nope i lost it. I'm tired.
Well, i wanted to get more out.. but my mind is aching and tired... so i'm going to bed...