update.
So. I'm Alive.
I finally have something to say. ... You know how they say that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all??? Well, for too long, I have felt that way. I've been censoring myself.
I haven't been thinking or saying nice things about myself. I've had nightmares of my friends hating me, and rejecting me; and a few people in particular. I have nightmares that a certain person would absolutely refuse to even kiss me because I'm "tainted" / "damaged goods" / "unworthy" of his love...
I feel disconnected from this world, and that I cannot keep up with it. I feel like I'm constantly behind the 8-ball, and am losing hope.
I am in shock. I have so much to say to some people, but feel like I can't. And some things I have recently learnt about a few friends... well, I don't even know how to help them, and the topics are so out there, so new to me...
I am worried about several of my friends, and wish that I could help them with their problems... though at the same time, I feel like I cannot help myself and need to curl up in someone's arms and have them magically make my problems dissapear.
I am feeling lonely today, and I have been, and still am exhausted.
I feel like I can't see more than one step in front of me, and it's scary to not know what I will face in the near future, let alone a bit further down the road.
And even after these "feelings" (I say since I used the word "feel" seven times already!)... I feel numb. I have been stung by so many jellyfish, that my senses are dulled, and I ache. I feel like I need something sharp to bring stuff into focus, to make things bright red, and no longer black or white or shades of gray.
I finally have something to say. ... You know how they say that if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all??? Well, for too long, I have felt that way. I've been censoring myself.
I haven't been thinking or saying nice things about myself. I've had nightmares of my friends hating me, and rejecting me; and a few people in particular. I have nightmares that a certain person would absolutely refuse to even kiss me because I'm "tainted" / "damaged goods" / "unworthy" of his love...
I feel disconnected from this world, and that I cannot keep up with it. I feel like I'm constantly behind the 8-ball, and am losing hope.
I am in shock. I have so much to say to some people, but feel like I can't. And some things I have recently learnt about a few friends... well, I don't even know how to help them, and the topics are so out there, so new to me...
I am worried about several of my friends, and wish that I could help them with their problems... though at the same time, I feel like I cannot help myself and need to curl up in someone's arms and have them magically make my problems dissapear.
I am feeling lonely today, and I have been, and still am exhausted.
I feel like I can't see more than one step in front of me, and it's scary to not know what I will face in the near future, let alone a bit further down the road.
And even after these "feelings" (I say since I used the word "feel" seven times already!)... I feel numb. I have been stung by so many jellyfish, that my senses are dulled, and I ache. I feel like I need something sharp to bring stuff into focus, to make things bright red, and no longer black or white or shades of gray.