Phen the Power Hungry Tyrant...
If Phen Was the Ultimate Ruler of Sunnydale…
Anyone who’s watched the show knows there are some serious problems with the administration of Sunnydale. CLEARLY, the death rate is far too high for such a small and pleasant little town. Because of that I have seized power. I ask that all residents read the following list of rules and regulations that will be added to local law. These are to be considered effective immediately.
1) It will not be naturally assumed that 10 or more people claiming to have seen “magic, demons, vampires,” or other supernatural phenomenon are “lying.”
2) Bodies will be cremated, not buried. This must be done within 24 hours of death, regardless of whether funeral services have yet been held or not. If an autopsy MUST take place, particularly for victims of animals bites or unexplained neck wounds, local resident Buffy Summers will be asked to attend.
3) Any locations or bottomless pits rumored to lead to “demon dimensions” or something called “The Hellmouth” will immediately be filled with cement foundations and then be turned into public fountains, reflecting pools, or fish ponds. The water will then be blessed weekly by a member of the local clergy.
4) Even though burial has been disallowed per clause #2, existing cemeteries will be kept in good repair, free of demonic symbols and alters, and all crypts will be regularly swept out and hosed down with water supplied by the sources created in clause #3. In addition, any signs of habitation will be reported to aforementioned individual Buffy Summers.
5) Although the municipal government continues to believe in the separation of church and state, all residents will be asked to wear clearly displayed crosses against their bare skin. Anyone whose skin shows signs of “smoking, charring, searing” or displays other reactions to said religious icons will be asked to bathe in the public facilities created in clause #3.
6) Any individuals that reappear after being assumed “deceased” will be asked to bathe in public facilities created in clause #2 and will be formally introduced to Buffy Summers.
7) “Welcome” mats will not be allowed in front of ANY private residences. Also outlawed are any signs, kitsch, etc. that display the message “welcome,” “come on in,” or anything else to that effect.
8) Curfews will be instituted which require all residents to remain indoors after dark, unless in the company of Buffy Summers.
9) In case curfews of clause #8 prove unpopular, residents will be given education courses on the importance of remaining in well-lit public areas after dark and not wandering through alleys, side streets, public parks, the college campus, cemeteries, or the hallways of the local high school. In addition, they will be warned about following charming but fashioned challenged strangers to said locations.
10) All public locations will be provided with “misters” which will rain down a light and pleasantly-scented spray over all entrances and exits for the enhancement and enrichment of said public places. Ostensibly the purpose of these will be to provide a cooling effect to the public in light of the oppressive California heat. The moisture provided to these devices will come from the sources created in clause #3.
11) Blood donation and collection will occur only at authorized facilities by licensed personnel. Accounting processes will be set in place to make sure that supplies of blood actually reach their intended medical destination.
12) Any patrons of bars serving blood and other beverages not fit for human consumption will be immediately viewed as suspects in explained disappearances and murders. The same is true for anyone who is known to routinely purchase blood at the local meat packing plants or butcher shops.
13) For the three nights of the full moon, animal control officers will be asked to patrol, in pairs, and heavily armed with very strong tranquilizers.
14) In addition to standard weapons, local police will be issued with pointed wooden stakes and be instructed in their proper use, to be used as a last resort against anyone who proves impervious to bullets or who has odd deformities such as forehead ridges and pointy teeth. Local residents will also be encouraged to carry these stakes in addition to mace for personal protection.
15) Although they are considered to be a traditional part of the college experience, frat parties will no longer be allowed. Sorry, but past Sunnydale experience has determined they just never turn out well.
16) All towers and other construction projects built in or near city limits will have to apply for permits and meet building codes. In addition, labor must be contracted from reputable unions and not from the local mental ward.
17) No one is allowed to keep or maintain “minions.”
18) Any artifacts purchased either by the local museum or by private individuals will be offered for inspection to local antiquities expert and magic shop owner Rupert Giles to ensure public safety before items can be displayed publicly, sold in local retail stores, or be allowed to enter private residences. The same is true of any unexplained amulets, charms, seals, idols, potions, or books containing occult references.
19) Anyone with suspicious forehead tattoos or marks will be reported to previously mentioned resident Rupert Giles, as will any strange symbols or altars found within city limits or in the surrounding areas.
20) All after school or extracurricular activities, fraternities, or teams of Sunnydale High and Sunnydale University will be infiltrated and monitored closely for cult-like behavior, attempted demon raising, or sudden and unexplained mutations.
21) Local Wicca groups, particularly those approved by local residents Willow Rosenberg or Tara McClay, will be asked to routinely search for and report suspicious activity and to bless and install protective wards around the city.
22) Any public official caught smiling too much will be assumed to be evil and will be immediately impeached, removed from office, and replaced by my official appointment, subject to approval by Rupert Giles.
23) Nerds will be encouraged to invent and to use their inventions to improve the quality of life for the municipality. These nerds will not be laughed at and will be revered as valuable members of society…however, if at any times, these individuals show a tendency to use their powers for evil or to a desire for world domination, they will be crushed…or possibly encouraged to work for me, the ruler of Sunnyhell.
24) Any local military groups MUST be registered and their activities made transparent to the public. If at any time any of them show a possibility of genetic or biological experimentation, their facilities will be shut down and quarantined, US government be damned…literally.
25) These rules can be added to and changed at any time according to my whim. *evil grin…*
(okay…so I said I’d never post…but now my journal’s all pretty, and I’m bored, so…*grin* who knows? I may become LJ addicted yet!)
Anyone who’s watched the show knows there are some serious problems with the administration of Sunnydale. CLEARLY, the death rate is far too high for such a small and pleasant little town. Because of that I have seized power. I ask that all residents read the following list of rules and regulations that will be added to local law. These are to be considered effective immediately.
1) It will not be naturally assumed that 10 or more people claiming to have seen “magic, demons, vampires,” or other supernatural phenomenon are “lying.”
2) Bodies will be cremated, not buried. This must be done within 24 hours of death, regardless of whether funeral services have yet been held or not. If an autopsy MUST take place, particularly for victims of animals bites or unexplained neck wounds, local resident Buffy Summers will be asked to attend.
3) Any locations or bottomless pits rumored to lead to “demon dimensions” or something called “The Hellmouth” will immediately be filled with cement foundations and then be turned into public fountains, reflecting pools, or fish ponds. The water will then be blessed weekly by a member of the local clergy.
4) Even though burial has been disallowed per clause #2, existing cemeteries will be kept in good repair, free of demonic symbols and alters, and all crypts will be regularly swept out and hosed down with water supplied by the sources created in clause #3. In addition, any signs of habitation will be reported to aforementioned individual Buffy Summers.
5) Although the municipal government continues to believe in the separation of church and state, all residents will be asked to wear clearly displayed crosses against their bare skin. Anyone whose skin shows signs of “smoking, charring, searing” or displays other reactions to said religious icons will be asked to bathe in the public facilities created in clause #3.
6) Any individuals that reappear after being assumed “deceased” will be asked to bathe in public facilities created in clause #2 and will be formally introduced to Buffy Summers.
7) “Welcome” mats will not be allowed in front of ANY private residences. Also outlawed are any signs, kitsch, etc. that display the message “welcome,” “come on in,” or anything else to that effect.
8) Curfews will be instituted which require all residents to remain indoors after dark, unless in the company of Buffy Summers.
9) In case curfews of clause #8 prove unpopular, residents will be given education courses on the importance of remaining in well-lit public areas after dark and not wandering through alleys, side streets, public parks, the college campus, cemeteries, or the hallways of the local high school. In addition, they will be warned about following charming but fashioned challenged strangers to said locations.
10) All public locations will be provided with “misters” which will rain down a light and pleasantly-scented spray over all entrances and exits for the enhancement and enrichment of said public places. Ostensibly the purpose of these will be to provide a cooling effect to the public in light of the oppressive California heat. The moisture provided to these devices will come from the sources created in clause #3.
11) Blood donation and collection will occur only at authorized facilities by licensed personnel. Accounting processes will be set in place to make sure that supplies of blood actually reach their intended medical destination.
12) Any patrons of bars serving blood and other beverages not fit for human consumption will be immediately viewed as suspects in explained disappearances and murders. The same is true for anyone who is known to routinely purchase blood at the local meat packing plants or butcher shops.
13) For the three nights of the full moon, animal control officers will be asked to patrol, in pairs, and heavily armed with very strong tranquilizers.
14) In addition to standard weapons, local police will be issued with pointed wooden stakes and be instructed in their proper use, to be used as a last resort against anyone who proves impervious to bullets or who has odd deformities such as forehead ridges and pointy teeth. Local residents will also be encouraged to carry these stakes in addition to mace for personal protection.
15) Although they are considered to be a traditional part of the college experience, frat parties will no longer be allowed. Sorry, but past Sunnydale experience has determined they just never turn out well.
16) All towers and other construction projects built in or near city limits will have to apply for permits and meet building codes. In addition, labor must be contracted from reputable unions and not from the local mental ward.
17) No one is allowed to keep or maintain “minions.”
18) Any artifacts purchased either by the local museum or by private individuals will be offered for inspection to local antiquities expert and magic shop owner Rupert Giles to ensure public safety before items can be displayed publicly, sold in local retail stores, or be allowed to enter private residences. The same is true of any unexplained amulets, charms, seals, idols, potions, or books containing occult references.
19) Anyone with suspicious forehead tattoos or marks will be reported to previously mentioned resident Rupert Giles, as will any strange symbols or altars found within city limits or in the surrounding areas.
20) All after school or extracurricular activities, fraternities, or teams of Sunnydale High and Sunnydale University will be infiltrated and monitored closely for cult-like behavior, attempted demon raising, or sudden and unexplained mutations.
21) Local Wicca groups, particularly those approved by local residents Willow Rosenberg or Tara McClay, will be asked to routinely search for and report suspicious activity and to bless and install protective wards around the city.
22) Any public official caught smiling too much will be assumed to be evil and will be immediately impeached, removed from office, and replaced by my official appointment, subject to approval by Rupert Giles.
23) Nerds will be encouraged to invent and to use their inventions to improve the quality of life for the municipality. These nerds will not be laughed at and will be revered as valuable members of society…however, if at any times, these individuals show a tendency to use their powers for evil or to a desire for world domination, they will be crushed…or possibly encouraged to work for me, the ruler of Sunnyhell.
24) Any local military groups MUST be registered and their activities made transparent to the public. If at any time any of them show a possibility of genetic or biological experimentation, their facilities will be shut down and quarantined, US government be damned…literally.
25) These rules can be added to and changed at any time according to my whim. *evil grin…*
(okay…so I said I’d never post…but now my journal’s all pretty, and I’m bored, so…*grin* who knows? I may become LJ addicted yet!)