(no subject)
Well. Holidays are almost over. going back to london on the 8th..im sort of looking forward to it and sort of not. i've been thinking about the future a lot. not necessarily where i'll be in 10 years, but in..like..4. once i finish uni what am i going to do? become a homeless film person? or become rich? unlikely. being rich makes things so much easier though. "money cant buy love, friends" blabla. no, it cant, but it definitely makes things easier. and money is like...the dominating issue in my life at the moment, and i have the feeling it will be for a while. sigh.
im also concerned about little things..well..not little but like...my dog, for example, is going on 10 now. and even though my mum and i always say he'll live forever i know the dreaded day is going to come within the next couple of years. the thought alone kills me because i love him more than anything or anyone in the world and nothing can ever replace him. i will literally die the day he does. it took me like..a year to get over my cat's death. and i really didnt like that cat very much.
also, what's going to happen to me and chris? im confident enough to believe we're going to last for a while, but this also means im going to have to worry about all the holidays im not going to be able to spend with him, all the "ONLY 2 MONTHS 3 DAYS AND 7 HOURS" which is just...annoying when you know its going to happen. I also dread the day we split up, which doesnt at all mean i have no faith in our relationship, just that..i dont know. first relationships rarely last forever do they? its depressing. i know i shouldnt even be thinking about things like that, but i do, especially late at night when im in bed alone. which is why i always keep the tv running until 6am :|. just to escape my thoughts.
i also look back on my life and think, what have i achieved so far? and have i always gotten what i wanted? these thoughts were triggered by simone back in greece when we were arguing about some stupid thing and she was like "of course we'll do [whatever it was]. anna always gets what she wants." it feels like i never get what i want, but when i think about it i sort of do, although there's always a drawback to everything. I wanted a german shepherd and got a pomeranian. :| it's still a dog. i wanted to go to westminster university, london. instead im going to the uni of the arts, london. it's still a good university. i wanted my uncle to pay for everything but instead he's just helped me get a loan from the bank. i wanted a boyfriend when i was, like, 14 and i got one when i was 18. one who i dont get to see whenever i want, but its still lovely. ive managed to go through a difficult school system without failing, which not many people can say about themselves. i can speak two languages and im living and studying on my own in a different country. it sounds like a big achievement when i compare myself to people who've gone through austrian/german school systems which are a piece of cake compared to the IB, but when I compare myself to people who went through the same as i did...what i have is worth nothing, really. 70% of all graduates go to the UK, live by themselves, etc. everyone speaks at least 2 languages fluently, most can do 3, some even more. their ambitions are high and usually they'll achieve what they want. i feel like im doing something but not really. film isnt my passion at all, i enjoy it, yes, but its not my absolute passion. im wasting a lot of time just sitting around not doing anything, when i should be grabbing every opportunity to do things and get to know people and get involved.
sigh. enough ranting for today.
im also concerned about little things..well..not little but like...my dog, for example, is going on 10 now. and even though my mum and i always say he'll live forever i know the dreaded day is going to come within the next couple of years. the thought alone kills me because i love him more than anything or anyone in the world and nothing can ever replace him. i will literally die the day he does. it took me like..a year to get over my cat's death. and i really didnt like that cat very much.
also, what's going to happen to me and chris? im confident enough to believe we're going to last for a while, but this also means im going to have to worry about all the holidays im not going to be able to spend with him, all the "ONLY 2 MONTHS 3 DAYS AND 7 HOURS" which is just...annoying when you know its going to happen. I also dread the day we split up, which doesnt at all mean i have no faith in our relationship, just that..i dont know. first relationships rarely last forever do they? its depressing. i know i shouldnt even be thinking about things like that, but i do, especially late at night when im in bed alone. which is why i always keep the tv running until 6am :|. just to escape my thoughts.
i also look back on my life and think, what have i achieved so far? and have i always gotten what i wanted? these thoughts were triggered by simone back in greece when we were arguing about some stupid thing and she was like "of course we'll do [whatever it was]. anna always gets what she wants." it feels like i never get what i want, but when i think about it i sort of do, although there's always a drawback to everything. I wanted a german shepherd and got a pomeranian. :| it's still a dog. i wanted to go to westminster university, london. instead im going to the uni of the arts, london. it's still a good university. i wanted my uncle to pay for everything but instead he's just helped me get a loan from the bank. i wanted a boyfriend when i was, like, 14 and i got one when i was 18. one who i dont get to see whenever i want, but its still lovely. ive managed to go through a difficult school system without failing, which not many people can say about themselves. i can speak two languages and im living and studying on my own in a different country. it sounds like a big achievement when i compare myself to people who've gone through austrian/german school systems which are a piece of cake compared to the IB, but when I compare myself to people who went through the same as i did...what i have is worth nothing, really. 70% of all graduates go to the UK, live by themselves, etc. everyone speaks at least 2 languages fluently, most can do 3, some even more. their ambitions are high and usually they'll achieve what they want. i feel like im doing something but not really. film isnt my passion at all, i enjoy it, yes, but its not my absolute passion. im wasting a lot of time just sitting around not doing anything, when i should be grabbing every opportunity to do things and get to know people and get involved.
sigh. enough ranting for today.