Slipping Through His Fingers, R, Sam/Dean, Sam/Ruby, Dean/OFC
If I am happy with how this turned out, it is entirely due to deirdre_c's fine help and beta work. ♥ her.
Title: Slipping Through His Fingers
Rating: R
Warnings: Sexual refs, language
Pairings: Sam/Dean. Also: Sam/Ruby, Dean/OFC, but really: Sam/Dean
Summary: Dean’s year ticks away: Will Sam get everything he wants?
I set myself the task of writing a drabble for each month of Dean’s year. Wenchpixie also asked me to tackle first time Sam/Dean. This fic covers both those aims.
Also works as a precursor to my fic What Has To Be Done Which is Bobby Future Fic (Gen).
12
Dean’s sacrificed himself for Sam and the burden hangs heavy around Sam’s neck. The guilt engulfs him, fills up his lungs until he’s spluttering, choking for breath. Sam says he’ll get Dean out of it and he’s never meant anything more in his life. The only thing Sam can cling to is saving Dean.
Sam worries even while Dean acts more relaxed and carefree than ever. He’s got what he always wanted, complete submersion of himself for his family. Sam will drag him out of those deep waters, will resuscitate Dean’s desire for life.
Sam will sacrifice whatever it takes.
11
Dean’s banging everything in sight, demanding they go out of their way just for a lay and Sam can’t bring himself to say no. Even though what he really wants is to stop, grip Dean’s shoulders, speak his darkest secret aloud: why not me, even now?
But he doesn’t.
Sam researches and makes calls. He hides it all from Dean.
Sam meets Ruby and hears her lies and promises, not caring which is which. He knows he shouldn’t listen but everything is worth a shot.
He tells Dean a half-truth; keeps the information about Mom clandestine and close. To himself.
10
Sam stares at Dean when he thinks he isn’t looking. He watches Dean drive, all easy smiles, and takes a photo of it. He listens to Dean hum along to the radio and records it. He smells the coffee and cologne on Dean and wants to breathe in as much as possible. Sam stops himself from grasping Dean’s wrist, feeling the blood pulse.
Sam hates himself for it; it means a tiny part of him believes he won’t save Dean.
He can’t stop himself. Dean is an addiction and Sam has to store him up, enough to last a lifetime.
9
Nine months left of Dean, and Sam can see the end of the road far too clearly as they barrel toward it. Sam has learned to loathe Dean’s heavy foot on the gas.
Sam doesn’t allow himself time for regrets, for worries about to shoot or not to shoot. His limits must be erased if Dean is to be saved. Even in the face of Dean’s bitter condemnation.
Sam’s never felt more prepared to die for his brother; he’s never felt further apart from him.
Sam will stumble down the slippery slope of hope. Even if he travels it alone.
8
Turning away never crosses Sam’s mind, he aims the Colt and shoots. He stands over her body feeling no remorse. The darkness he’s always felt, running in his blood, in his veins, nourishes him. He needs to give a fuck about only one thing, ‘cause it’s the only way to stop it.
He cares solely about the deal. He recognizes his father in himself and grabs onto it. Dad saved Dean once.
Sam listens to Dean rail at him for risking death. He tries to get Dean to see that his self-sacrifice is suffocating. He will not bury his brother.
7
The countdown continues and where is Sam’s progress?
Bile rises when Dean waves away his ideas, turning to the bartender and attending to her instead.
He stalks back to the motel, finds Ruby waiting. Smart remarks but no answers. Sam’s blood boils.
He shoves her against the wall, kisses her, hard and punishing, drowning in remorse, searching her mouth for hope. He bites her shoulder and smells her sweat; the humanity of it rankles him. Screws her, standing up, concerned only with getting himself off, with forgetting.
It fails. He wakes, sees Dean’s still form, and want washes over him.
6
Halfway through; the sands in the hourglass are even. Sam’s desperation tightens as they spill past the midpoint.
Dean’s last Christmas and drink dulls Sam’s judgment. Sam stumbles into the room, trips onto the bed. Dean hovers, telling Sam not to puke. Sam balls his hand into Dean’s shirt and jerks him into a vicious kiss. He devours Dean, savours the taste of his tongue.
Another sacrifice for me? Sam wonders, pushing Dean away. Won’t, he mutters; Shouldn’t, Dean responds.
Sam sleeps in the car, knows Dean will act like it never happened in the morning.
Back to treading water.
5
Sam pretends he hasn’t noticed Dean is fucking more people than ever, despite Dean growing even less discreet. He stands outside the door, listens to Dean screw whoever she is, hears her moan Dean’s name. Sam forces himself to leave, moves his leaden feet back to the car.
He bargains with himself; save Dean first, have Dean later.
Sam feels Ruby’s watchful eye. Sam fears what she will demand, impatient to hear her plan.
He can tell she’s waiting until Sam is at his lowest ebb. She doesn’t realize he’s ready to dive in now. He’s got nothing to lose.
4
Dean’s moods change with the tides. They become more erratic the more time passes. The closer they get. At times, Dean chews Sam out for how he eats, talks, drives. For existing. Sam brushes against Dean and he flinches, retreating out of Sam’s space.
At other times, Dean’s all wide smiles and cheer, full of stories and memories. Sam feels him crowd ever closer, breathes in the memory of a kiss.
Sam takes notes as Dean insists on teaching him about cars, cooking, family. About love. Sam refuses to believe those lessons are necessary, but he drinks them in greedily.
3
Sam stews as Dean’s gaze starts to follow him around constantly, hot and direct. Sam supposes Dean is taking in everything he can, while he can, Sam included.
On a hunt and Dean’s eyes are straying to Sam far too often. Sam gets distracted noticing it, and the demon closes in on them, gets closer than it should. Dean’s knocked roughly into the wall, badly injured. Sam barely manages to shoot in time.
Sam wonders if Dean’s inability to take his eyes off him is due to desire. He isn’t sure what the truth is.
Time dribbles away, with hope.
2
Sam’s birthday arrives and he can’t ask Dean for what he truly wants; Dean manages to get half right. He claps Sam on the shoulder, folds his fingers slowly into Sam’s shirt. I want this, Dean whispers as his lips tentatively brush against Sam’s. Sam leans into it, opens up and tries to let all of Dean in.
They fall onto the bed, clothes a barrier than can’t disappear fast enough. Sam bends into Dean’s body, inhales his scent and fills up with it.
The other half of the gift, where Dean listens to reason, is nowhere to be found.
1
Relief washes over Sam with Ruby’s arrival, last-second reprieve granted. She wrinkles her nose at the scent of sex. I see why you want to save him so badly.
Whatever it takes, Sam replies.
His heart is in his mouth, his last shred of hope about to disappear into the depths.
Ruby lays it out: the rivers of blood that will be caused by his hand, the army of demons he will lead, the casualties that will burden his soul.
Sam tells himself he’ll find a way to ensure this doesn’t mean the end of the world.
Meanwhile.
He agrees.
0
Sam’s shocked at the lack of surprise on Dean’s face when he wakes on day 366. Sam stays silent, still, waiting for the fury to fall.
A knock. Ruby saunters in, smirking. Ready?
Directed at Dean.
Sam approaches her. Dean raises a hand, five fingers poke Sam hard in the chest.
I called her yesterday, Dean says, clipped and quiet. She told me the terms, won’t take it back. So. I’m going. I’ll take care of it.
Sam shouts, begs, fights. Dean shoots Sam to stop him following.
Dean’s sacrificed himself again and Sam’s going to have to stop him.
**
As I said, this fits into the ‘verse of What Has To Be Done Bobby POV Future Fic. Although that fic is Gen, and I could only see this one as Sam/Dean.
NB I used the timeline as set out here
**
Feedback is ♥
Title: Slipping Through His Fingers
Rating: R
Warnings: Sexual refs, language
Pairings: Sam/Dean. Also: Sam/Ruby, Dean/OFC, but really: Sam/Dean
Summary: Dean’s year ticks away: Will Sam get everything he wants?
I set myself the task of writing a drabble for each month of Dean’s year. Wenchpixie also asked me to tackle first time Sam/Dean. This fic covers both those aims.
Also works as a precursor to my fic What Has To Be Done Which is Bobby Future Fic (Gen).
12
Dean’s sacrificed himself for Sam and the burden hangs heavy around Sam’s neck. The guilt engulfs him, fills up his lungs until he’s spluttering, choking for breath. Sam says he’ll get Dean out of it and he’s never meant anything more in his life. The only thing Sam can cling to is saving Dean.
Sam worries even while Dean acts more relaxed and carefree than ever. He’s got what he always wanted, complete submersion of himself for his family. Sam will drag him out of those deep waters, will resuscitate Dean’s desire for life.
Sam will sacrifice whatever it takes.
11
Dean’s banging everything in sight, demanding they go out of their way just for a lay and Sam can’t bring himself to say no. Even though what he really wants is to stop, grip Dean’s shoulders, speak his darkest secret aloud: why not me, even now?
But he doesn’t.
Sam researches and makes calls. He hides it all from Dean.
Sam meets Ruby and hears her lies and promises, not caring which is which. He knows he shouldn’t listen but everything is worth a shot.
He tells Dean a half-truth; keeps the information about Mom clandestine and close. To himself.
10
Sam stares at Dean when he thinks he isn’t looking. He watches Dean drive, all easy smiles, and takes a photo of it. He listens to Dean hum along to the radio and records it. He smells the coffee and cologne on Dean and wants to breathe in as much as possible. Sam stops himself from grasping Dean’s wrist, feeling the blood pulse.
Sam hates himself for it; it means a tiny part of him believes he won’t save Dean.
He can’t stop himself. Dean is an addiction and Sam has to store him up, enough to last a lifetime.
9
Nine months left of Dean, and Sam can see the end of the road far too clearly as they barrel toward it. Sam has learned to loathe Dean’s heavy foot on the gas.
Sam doesn’t allow himself time for regrets, for worries about to shoot or not to shoot. His limits must be erased if Dean is to be saved. Even in the face of Dean’s bitter condemnation.
Sam’s never felt more prepared to die for his brother; he’s never felt further apart from him.
Sam will stumble down the slippery slope of hope. Even if he travels it alone.
8
Turning away never crosses Sam’s mind, he aims the Colt and shoots. He stands over her body feeling no remorse. The darkness he’s always felt, running in his blood, in his veins, nourishes him. He needs to give a fuck about only one thing, ‘cause it’s the only way to stop it.
He cares solely about the deal. He recognizes his father in himself and grabs onto it. Dad saved Dean once.
Sam listens to Dean rail at him for risking death. He tries to get Dean to see that his self-sacrifice is suffocating. He will not bury his brother.
7
The countdown continues and where is Sam’s progress?
Bile rises when Dean waves away his ideas, turning to the bartender and attending to her instead.
He stalks back to the motel, finds Ruby waiting. Smart remarks but no answers. Sam’s blood boils.
He shoves her against the wall, kisses her, hard and punishing, drowning in remorse, searching her mouth for hope. He bites her shoulder and smells her sweat; the humanity of it rankles him. Screws her, standing up, concerned only with getting himself off, with forgetting.
It fails. He wakes, sees Dean’s still form, and want washes over him.
6
Halfway through; the sands in the hourglass are even. Sam’s desperation tightens as they spill past the midpoint.
Dean’s last Christmas and drink dulls Sam’s judgment. Sam stumbles into the room, trips onto the bed. Dean hovers, telling Sam not to puke. Sam balls his hand into Dean’s shirt and jerks him into a vicious kiss. He devours Dean, savours the taste of his tongue.
Another sacrifice for me? Sam wonders, pushing Dean away. Won’t, he mutters; Shouldn’t, Dean responds.
Sam sleeps in the car, knows Dean will act like it never happened in the morning.
Back to treading water.
5
Sam pretends he hasn’t noticed Dean is fucking more people than ever, despite Dean growing even less discreet. He stands outside the door, listens to Dean screw whoever she is, hears her moan Dean’s name. Sam forces himself to leave, moves his leaden feet back to the car.
He bargains with himself; save Dean first, have Dean later.
Sam feels Ruby’s watchful eye. Sam fears what she will demand, impatient to hear her plan.
He can tell she’s waiting until Sam is at his lowest ebb. She doesn’t realize he’s ready to dive in now. He’s got nothing to lose.
4
Dean’s moods change with the tides. They become more erratic the more time passes. The closer they get. At times, Dean chews Sam out for how he eats, talks, drives. For existing. Sam brushes against Dean and he flinches, retreating out of Sam’s space.
At other times, Dean’s all wide smiles and cheer, full of stories and memories. Sam feels him crowd ever closer, breathes in the memory of a kiss.
Sam takes notes as Dean insists on teaching him about cars, cooking, family. About love. Sam refuses to believe those lessons are necessary, but he drinks them in greedily.
3
Sam stews as Dean’s gaze starts to follow him around constantly, hot and direct. Sam supposes Dean is taking in everything he can, while he can, Sam included.
On a hunt and Dean’s eyes are straying to Sam far too often. Sam gets distracted noticing it, and the demon closes in on them, gets closer than it should. Dean’s knocked roughly into the wall, badly injured. Sam barely manages to shoot in time.
Sam wonders if Dean’s inability to take his eyes off him is due to desire. He isn’t sure what the truth is.
Time dribbles away, with hope.
2
Sam’s birthday arrives and he can’t ask Dean for what he truly wants; Dean manages to get half right. He claps Sam on the shoulder, folds his fingers slowly into Sam’s shirt. I want this, Dean whispers as his lips tentatively brush against Sam’s. Sam leans into it, opens up and tries to let all of Dean in.
They fall onto the bed, clothes a barrier than can’t disappear fast enough. Sam bends into Dean’s body, inhales his scent and fills up with it.
The other half of the gift, where Dean listens to reason, is nowhere to be found.
1
Relief washes over Sam with Ruby’s arrival, last-second reprieve granted. She wrinkles her nose at the scent of sex. I see why you want to save him so badly.
Whatever it takes, Sam replies.
His heart is in his mouth, his last shred of hope about to disappear into the depths.
Ruby lays it out: the rivers of blood that will be caused by his hand, the army of demons he will lead, the casualties that will burden his soul.
Sam tells himself he’ll find a way to ensure this doesn’t mean the end of the world.
Meanwhile.
He agrees.
0
Sam’s shocked at the lack of surprise on Dean’s face when he wakes on day 366. Sam stays silent, still, waiting for the fury to fall.
A knock. Ruby saunters in, smirking. Ready?
Directed at Dean.
Sam approaches her. Dean raises a hand, five fingers poke Sam hard in the chest.
I called her yesterday, Dean says, clipped and quiet. She told me the terms, won’t take it back. So. I’m going. I’ll take care of it.
Sam shouts, begs, fights. Dean shoots Sam to stop him following.
Dean’s sacrificed himself again and Sam’s going to have to stop him.
**
As I said, this fits into the ‘verse of What Has To Be Done Bobby POV Future Fic. Although that fic is Gen, and I could only see this one as Sam/Dean.
NB I used the timeline as set out here
**
Feedback is ♥