The things we think but do not say
Long post coming, I think.
I am a glutton for punishment. I have been talking to Portia almost everyday since she broke it off with me. I don't really understand why it hurts so much everytime I talk to her. Furthermore, it's really hard for me to understand how you can dissolve your feelings for someone else so fast. I'm not over her, I won't be over her for awhile. I just have to get it through my head that we're done. Here's a small for instance of what I'm thinking and what I'm saying and what I really want to say.
shadowstriker7 (10:00:09 AM): well, you have support, you'll be fine
IM name stricken for protection (10:00:24 AM): i guess
shadowstriker7 (10:00:26 AM): bah, you don't guess, you know
shadowstriker7 (10:01:09 AM): you'll make it through just fine
** (10:01:26 AM): i serisouly don't know
How can you not know? You have someone that you have feelings for, enough to break it off with me. You have to know that he's going to support you through whatever you'll be dealing with because you know I would have. If he can't support you when you're going through tough times, then what are you thinking being with him?
shadowstriker7 (12:16:41 PM): how was amazing race last night?
*** (12:17:02 PM): i didn't watch it
*** (12:17:07 PM): i watched man vs wild
shadowstriker7 (12:17:10 PM): oh, ok
shadowstriker7 (12:18:04 PM): thought you really liked amazing race *shrug*
Watched Man vs Wild instead of Amazing Race? Whose decision was that? What you showed me, was that just a visad that I saw? Am I just being an idiot about the whole situation? Am I just immature and still not getting over the shock of how sudden it all happened? Why is my head spinning all around?
shadowstriker7 (12:51:14 PM): if you came out here, i'd buy you lunch, but you're all the way over there
*** (12:51:39 PM): no you wouldn't
shadowstriker7 (12:51:36 PM): I would
*** (12:51:52 PM): that is WEIRD
That's not weird to me. It's obvious by how much you're talking to me that you still want to be friends and friends do that type of thing for one another, at least in my experience. It's only weird because I'm the ex I guess.
Why am I still hung up on this? I need to get over it and fast, but I can't. Why is that? I feel so helpless in this matter. I didn't really have a choice in the matter, but I lost what may have been the best thing that could happen to me. I didn't have a choice, there are no options for me. I have to get past this and fast, if I don't, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble.
I have to channel into my inner strength and forget about all of this. I have to wipe the last three weeks from my memory or I'm going to be stuck in a rut. I have to run, far, to get away from this. I need to immerse myself so deeply in something else that I forget about everything. This is eating me alive, it has been ever since it happened. Must forget, must move on.
I am a glutton for punishment. I have been talking to Portia almost everyday since she broke it off with me. I don't really understand why it hurts so much everytime I talk to her. Furthermore, it's really hard for me to understand how you can dissolve your feelings for someone else so fast. I'm not over her, I won't be over her for awhile. I just have to get it through my head that we're done. Here's a small for instance of what I'm thinking and what I'm saying and what I really want to say.
shadowstriker7 (10:00:09 AM): well, you have support, you'll be fine
IM name stricken for protection (10:00:24 AM): i guess
shadowstriker7 (10:00:26 AM): bah, you don't guess, you know
shadowstriker7 (10:01:09 AM): you'll make it through just fine
** (10:01:26 AM): i serisouly don't know
How can you not know? You have someone that you have feelings for, enough to break it off with me. You have to know that he's going to support you through whatever you'll be dealing with because you know I would have. If he can't support you when you're going through tough times, then what are you thinking being with him?
shadowstriker7 (12:16:41 PM): how was amazing race last night?
*** (12:17:02 PM): i didn't watch it
*** (12:17:07 PM): i watched man vs wild
shadowstriker7 (12:17:10 PM): oh, ok
shadowstriker7 (12:18:04 PM): thought you really liked amazing race *shrug*
Watched Man vs Wild instead of Amazing Race? Whose decision was that? What you showed me, was that just a visad that I saw? Am I just being an idiot about the whole situation? Am I just immature and still not getting over the shock of how sudden it all happened? Why is my head spinning all around?
shadowstriker7 (12:51:14 PM): if you came out here, i'd buy you lunch, but you're all the way over there
*** (12:51:39 PM): no you wouldn't
shadowstriker7 (12:51:36 PM): I would
*** (12:51:52 PM): that is WEIRD
That's not weird to me. It's obvious by how much you're talking to me that you still want to be friends and friends do that type of thing for one another, at least in my experience. It's only weird because I'm the ex I guess.
Why am I still hung up on this? I need to get over it and fast, but I can't. Why is that? I feel so helpless in this matter. I didn't really have a choice in the matter, but I lost what may have been the best thing that could happen to me. I didn't have a choice, there are no options for me. I have to get past this and fast, if I don't, I'm going to be in a lot of trouble.
I have to channel into my inner strength and forget about all of this. I have to wipe the last three weeks from my memory or I'm going to be stuck in a rut. I have to run, far, to get away from this. I need to immerse myself so deeply in something else that I forget about everything. This is eating me alive, it has been ever since it happened. Must forget, must move on.