Maybe this is what's on my mind....
I had given it a lot of thought this morning because I knew that something was on my mind, but couldn't put my finger on it. I'm going to ramble a bit because I think I know what's on my mind, I just have to put my thoughts together and see if it makes some sort of sense.
I have a concern on my mind. I've put a lot of thought into it today and yesterday, I was kind of contemplative I suppose you could say. Portia knows exactly what she wants and what she needs, I'm trying to figure out if I can be enough for her. It's not that she's putting exceptional expectations on me, she's not, it's that she knows exactly what she needs and wants, I'm just trying to figure out if I can be that guy.
She wants me to pay attention to her and be supportive of her and I can do those things. She wants me to be affectionate and I can do that. Slowly, but surely, she's been telling me some things that she wants me to do so that I can make her happier and I'm trying, I really am. I'm just really worried that I'm falling short for her on different points.
For instance, this weekend was fantastic. We had a lot of fun between watching a movie and hanging out together. She asked me to be more of a leader and less of a follower, which goes back to the point that I have to be more assertive. I know I have to be more assertive, I just don't understand why I haven't been assertive. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am trying to find out what she wants and going from there. I am not trying to be agreeable persay, but I'm doing what I can to find out what I can do to make her happy. I feel like it's been a bit onesided because she can't help but to make me happy, but I know I have to work on making her happy. I've been doing a lot of following just to find out what can make her happy and what I need to do to make her happy.
I have absolutely no desire to put her on a pedestal, but I feel like I'm doing that. It's really hard for me not to because she's pretty much everything that I want. I feel like I'm falling short because I know that I'm not really everything that she wants, but I know that I can be with a little bit of effort and a lot of listening. I'm trying to do that, but it's tough because she wants me to lead more than follow. It's hard for me to do that because I'm still trying to find out what exactly makes her tick and trying to ascertain what her expectations are of me. I'm going to figure it out, but it's a bit of a puzzle to me, and I'm just hoping she's not getting annoyed by it.
She also mentioned that she's a bit scared of how much of what she does is new to me. I have been in relationships before and I have been in a serious relationship before, but everything that she does and who she is is pretty much completely new to me. I think what kind of disappointed her this morning and I know she was disappointed was that she probably thinks that I have already kind of gotten bored or something to that effect. But, honestly, I was just being really selfish this morning and I can't allow myself to do that. I think she's kind of afraid that the newness of her and our relationship will wear off and it certainly will, but I'm still going to pay the same amount of attention to her and do my best to give her everything she deserves.
It's highly likely that I'm completely overanalyzing the situation, but I always do. It's one of my character traits. Whatever the case, I want to make this last. I'm just going to have to work really hard on it, but they say you always have to work really hard. I will because I want to make this work.
It would also help quite a bit if I were more financially stable right now and figured out my apartment situation. I will, this relationship just popped up at an odd time for me and it's likely she caught me at my worst instead of my best. That's why I keep saying I'm nothing but potential, I'm going to get a lot better, I just have to get everything straight first.
I have a concern on my mind. I've put a lot of thought into it today and yesterday, I was kind of contemplative I suppose you could say. Portia knows exactly what she wants and what she needs, I'm trying to figure out if I can be enough for her. It's not that she's putting exceptional expectations on me, she's not, it's that she knows exactly what she needs and wants, I'm just trying to figure out if I can be that guy.
She wants me to pay attention to her and be supportive of her and I can do those things. She wants me to be affectionate and I can do that. Slowly, but surely, she's been telling me some things that she wants me to do so that I can make her happier and I'm trying, I really am. I'm just really worried that I'm falling short for her on different points.
For instance, this weekend was fantastic. We had a lot of fun between watching a movie and hanging out together. She asked me to be more of a leader and less of a follower, which goes back to the point that I have to be more assertive. I know I have to be more assertive, I just don't understand why I haven't been assertive. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I am trying to find out what she wants and going from there. I am not trying to be agreeable persay, but I'm doing what I can to find out what I can do to make her happy. I feel like it's been a bit onesided because she can't help but to make me happy, but I know I have to work on making her happy. I've been doing a lot of following just to find out what can make her happy and what I need to do to make her happy.
I have absolutely no desire to put her on a pedestal, but I feel like I'm doing that. It's really hard for me not to because she's pretty much everything that I want. I feel like I'm falling short because I know that I'm not really everything that she wants, but I know that I can be with a little bit of effort and a lot of listening. I'm trying to do that, but it's tough because she wants me to lead more than follow. It's hard for me to do that because I'm still trying to find out what exactly makes her tick and trying to ascertain what her expectations are of me. I'm going to figure it out, but it's a bit of a puzzle to me, and I'm just hoping she's not getting annoyed by it.
She also mentioned that she's a bit scared of how much of what she does is new to me. I have been in relationships before and I have been in a serious relationship before, but everything that she does and who she is is pretty much completely new to me. I think what kind of disappointed her this morning and I know she was disappointed was that she probably thinks that I have already kind of gotten bored or something to that effect. But, honestly, I was just being really selfish this morning and I can't allow myself to do that. I think she's kind of afraid that the newness of her and our relationship will wear off and it certainly will, but I'm still going to pay the same amount of attention to her and do my best to give her everything she deserves.
It's highly likely that I'm completely overanalyzing the situation, but I always do. It's one of my character traits. Whatever the case, I want to make this last. I'm just going to have to work really hard on it, but they say you always have to work really hard. I will because I want to make this work.
It would also help quite a bit if I were more financially stable right now and figured out my apartment situation. I will, this relationship just popped up at an odd time for me and it's likely she caught me at my worst instead of my best. That's why I keep saying I'm nothing but potential, I'm going to get a lot better, I just have to get everything straight first.