(no subject)
I don't know how I've let things slip so much. I feel like I'm in the midst of a backflip caused from slipping on a banana peel and I'm not so sure when I'm going to come back down to find my equilibrium. I've known for forever that I have serious issues with balance in my life, school, friends, gaming.. I've let all the shit that doesn't matter come to the front and completely bailed AGAIN on everything. I know what I'm doing is stupid and foolish and yet, I can't STOP doing all this stupid, stupid shit and fix everything. I'm sure some of you think I just keep bitching and bitching, but guess what. That's why I have this thing in the first place. To bitch. If you don't like it, don't read it, b/c this is here for me to think over and maybe get some commentary from you guys. I'm just trying to get all the pieces on the table at once, and since I keep losing/dropping pieces it's becoming a neverending process. So, here's the pieces...I play games too much and don't do enough work. I care about the little shit more than the big shit. I have SERIOUS issues carrying out just about anything I intend to do, and thus I get just about nothing done at all. I lack the drive to fix any of the above because I'm too busy caring about the little shit to notice the big shit falling behind me. It doesn't make much sense to watch a butterfly go by if there's a tree falling on you, does it? I guess that's about how I feel about this whole deal. I had a really really good weekend but I'm paying for it like a BITCH this week. I found out a few hrs ago that I have a physics test today, and I was going to spend today (today referring to Monday) reading up for my Psych test on Tuesday. Alas, I am unable to get the notes to study for my Psych test because in my infinite wisdom I managed to lock myself out of WebCT and therefore cannot get to the notes & practice tests. So I have to use time I could be reviewing (although upon further investigation I understand the better part of it if I can remove dumbshit mistakes from my test-taking practices) to go to OIT and get bitched out for sucking at life, which is a fact I'm already completely aware of. So hooray for me & boobies, although we won't be seeing each other for a very long time it would seem. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention I'm a pathological liar and should probably go to therapy for it. Funny how everyone thinks I'm so honest, but it still comes down to the little/big shit issue I have. I'm (at least for the most part) honest about the dead-serious shit, but stuff like me telling my stories, which consists of about 90% of my ability to have perfectly normal conversations, are either completely made up on the spot, or are anywhere from 30-75% based on fact and have the facts stretched to fit the situation or intent. Those stories would be the ones that have nothing to do with me. Ones that I have told just about everyone that involve me (the big ones being Amy and the car wreck, which are, ironically enough, inherently connected). I think I just gave the English language a hernia but I couldn't give a shit about that right now. I'm pretty preoccupied with other shit, big shit like, "Will I pass this semester?" "Will I be fucked over by GT with my major swap, which will directly lead to my failing out of school?" and "How the fuck am I going to get everything in line when I don't have the drive for god-knows-what reason to fix it myself?" I got a rose a while back from some friends who have very recently become very important to me. I think they were the first ones that I can recall (even though I haven't known them for all that long) to make me feel like I was worth half a shit. This post just became far too depressing, even for me, Mr. Emo, so I'm going to call it a night. I pray I go to sleep sooner rather than later. Maybe I'll fill in the rest of the blanks later.