[Fic] Show Me What I’m Looking For; PG; SPN
Title: Show Me What I’m Looking For
Author: phate_phoenix
Pairing: Pre-Slash Castiel/Dean
Word Count: 1115
Rating/Warning: PG
Spoilers: Through 5.16.
Summary: Castiel travels to find something. He fails. But that’s okay.
Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN. Title from Carolina Liar’s song of the same title.
Author’s Notes: Last night’s episode totally broke me. Almost immediately after, I began to write this. I don’t even really know what this is, completely. XD
----
The first text message Castiel gets isn’t from Dean. It’s from Sam.
He’d perched at the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, invisible to the human eye, and watched the cars and humans travel below him. Blurs of color and sound, oblivious to the chaos their world had fallen to, and somewhere, amidst it all, God stands and is unmoved.
Castiel spitefully wonders if He’s grown bored with the humans, and is plotting His next favorite creation.
That’s when his phone begins to chirp to the generic tone that he had set for Sam’s phone. It takes him a moment to remember who it is, because Sam hardly ever calls him, only when Dean is unable to. Castiel feels lethargic as he reaches for his phone, and draws it from his pocket only long after it’s stopped making noise. The phone flashes that he has one new text message.
Cas please come back. we need to discuss what our plan is
He pockets his phone the second after he’s read the message instead of hurling it off the bridge and into the water below. He knows that Sam deals with his grief by working, much like John had. He had known that Sam would contact him after a few hours had passed. But that doesn’t stem the anger that races through him. It shames him a little.
So Castiel spreads his wings and takes to the sky, rocketing around the world and towards Tokyo.
----
Castiel slowly walks through the crowds of this city’s sidewalk, taking his time to watch the people as the hustle by him, or linger in alleys and against buildings, or stare through storefront windows and talk amongst themselves. He’s been here before, walked these same routes, on his search for God. Now he’s on a different kind of search.
What could make God so apathetic towards the most favorite of His creations? Castiel wonders what he could have missed that would explain God’s indifference towards their imminent destruction. Castiel sees their imperfect nature, sees how each human has their flaws, sees that each and every one is filled to the brim with sin.
Castiel thinks they are beautiful because of their imperfections, because they have so much against them and yet they choose to carry on, because they can be happy as they are. Not for the first time since God abandoned him and his friends to their fate does Castiel think God a fool.
He stops at a bus stop, debating between flying across the city or actually taking the bus, when his phone rings, blaring a song Dean had chosen as his ringtone. Castiel races to get it out of his pocket, half because it’s from Dean, and half because he hadn’t realized how loud his cell phone was before.
were in minnesota snb some bones
Castiel frowns momentarily at the ‘snb’ before it clicks: ‘salt and burn’. Text-speak, Castiel thinks as his phone bleats again, will always elude him.
where r u now
Castiel’s fingers slowly move over the buttons, but hover over the send key. He exhales, and pushes down.
I am in Hong Kong at the moment. It’s very busy.
Castiel only waits a minute before Dean texts back.
k be careful
This time Castiel doesn’t hesitate.
I will. Keep safe.
----
Just because God has written Castiel off as useless doesn’t mean everyone else has.
Demons abundant in number in Colorado and are actively hunting for you. Please be wary.
u ok cas
Cas looks down at his bloody sleeve and stares at the long slash across his arm, watches as the wound sluggishly tries to heal itself. Castiel swallows and closes his eyes.
For the moment.
if u need help dont be stupid
iwe’ll always be there for you
The typo catches Castiel’s eye, and a sudden flare of warmth rolls through his bones. He feels silly long afterwards, staring at the message as he sits at the base of a tree in the state of Washington. His emotions are confusing and turbulent, and Castiel still doesn’t know how to process them all, or understand, exactly, what each means. He likes this one, though. Likes the way it makes his chest tight and stomach tickle.
It frightens him.
He pushes himself to his feet, sliding his phone closed. He spreads his wings and takes to the air.
----
It finally hits Castiel three days later, as he reaches into his pocket for an amulet he no longer has, that he is without purpose, and it makes him fall back against a lit light post in shock. His Father has all but abandoned him. The one thing that Castiel had held true throughout his existence, that God Is Just, is a lie.
Castiel immediately rushes away, weaving through crowds of people and into the night, as if he could run from that thought. But he can’t, because he can see, truly see, what is real. God does not reward His faithful. He watches as they burn, assisting only to continue the game.
Castiel hates God, viciously and bitterly. He feels breathless and sick, but he doesn’t stop moving, continues fleeing through Seoul, Korea. He wonders if this is what Uriel had felt, had seen, before he had turned to Lucifer.
“God is dead,” Uriel had said. Maybe he hadn’t meant God. Maybe he’d meant that the Word of God is dead, the Idea of God is dead, the Truth of God is dead.
Maybe, Castiel thinks as he stares at the rainbow colors of the Banpo Bridge, the idealized God Castiel had worshipped and obeyed for all of time had never actually existed.
I am tired and lost.
whenever ur ready weill be here
The typo again. Castiel closes his eyes and inhales, feeling the warmth spread through him, tingling along his fingers and prickling up and down his arms. His chest is aches and his stomach quivers.
He embraces it, and smiles.
----
It’s Sunday where Castiel stands, staring at the pyramids of Egypt. There isn’t another soul here except for the animals around these structures of man. They are golden, a testament to humankind’s ingenuity. They are beautiful, still, and empty. There’s warmth here, bleeding through his trenchcoat from the sun and through his shoes from the sand.
But it’s not the right kind of warmth.
Castiel pulls his cell phone from his pocket and his fingers fly over the keys. The warmth already dances at his fingers. He presses it to his ear.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice dribbles through, and Castiel’s stolen heart beats stronger and quicker.
“Hello Dean,” Castiel says, turning away from the emptiness and looks to the sky. “Where are you?”
Author: phate_phoenix
Pairing: Pre-Slash Castiel/Dean
Word Count: 1115
Rating/Warning: PG
Spoilers: Through 5.16.
Summary: Castiel travels to find something. He fails. But that’s okay.
Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN. Title from Carolina Liar’s song of the same title.
Author’s Notes: Last night’s episode totally broke me. Almost immediately after, I began to write this. I don’t even really know what this is, completely. XD
----
The first text message Castiel gets isn’t from Dean. It’s from Sam.
He’d perched at the top of the Golden Gate Bridge, invisible to the human eye, and watched the cars and humans travel below him. Blurs of color and sound, oblivious to the chaos their world had fallen to, and somewhere, amidst it all, God stands and is unmoved.
Castiel spitefully wonders if He’s grown bored with the humans, and is plotting His next favorite creation.
That’s when his phone begins to chirp to the generic tone that he had set for Sam’s phone. It takes him a moment to remember who it is, because Sam hardly ever calls him, only when Dean is unable to. Castiel feels lethargic as he reaches for his phone, and draws it from his pocket only long after it’s stopped making noise. The phone flashes that he has one new text message.
Cas please come back. we need to discuss what our plan is
He pockets his phone the second after he’s read the message instead of hurling it off the bridge and into the water below. He knows that Sam deals with his grief by working, much like John had. He had known that Sam would contact him after a few hours had passed. But that doesn’t stem the anger that races through him. It shames him a little.
So Castiel spreads his wings and takes to the sky, rocketing around the world and towards Tokyo.
----
Castiel slowly walks through the crowds of this city’s sidewalk, taking his time to watch the people as the hustle by him, or linger in alleys and against buildings, or stare through storefront windows and talk amongst themselves. He’s been here before, walked these same routes, on his search for God. Now he’s on a different kind of search.
What could make God so apathetic towards the most favorite of His creations? Castiel wonders what he could have missed that would explain God’s indifference towards their imminent destruction. Castiel sees their imperfect nature, sees how each human has their flaws, sees that each and every one is filled to the brim with sin.
Castiel thinks they are beautiful because of their imperfections, because they have so much against them and yet they choose to carry on, because they can be happy as they are. Not for the first time since God abandoned him and his friends to their fate does Castiel think God a fool.
He stops at a bus stop, debating between flying across the city or actually taking the bus, when his phone rings, blaring a song Dean had chosen as his ringtone. Castiel races to get it out of his pocket, half because it’s from Dean, and half because he hadn’t realized how loud his cell phone was before.
were in minnesota snb some bones
Castiel frowns momentarily at the ‘snb’ before it clicks: ‘salt and burn’. Text-speak, Castiel thinks as his phone bleats again, will always elude him.
where r u now
Castiel’s fingers slowly move over the buttons, but hover over the send key. He exhales, and pushes down.
I am in Hong Kong at the moment. It’s very busy.
Castiel only waits a minute before Dean texts back.
k be careful
This time Castiel doesn’t hesitate.
I will. Keep safe.
----
Just because God has written Castiel off as useless doesn’t mean everyone else has.
Demons abundant in number in Colorado and are actively hunting for you. Please be wary.
u ok cas
Cas looks down at his bloody sleeve and stares at the long slash across his arm, watches as the wound sluggishly tries to heal itself. Castiel swallows and closes his eyes.
For the moment.
if u need help dont be stupid
iwe’ll always be there for you
The typo catches Castiel’s eye, and a sudden flare of warmth rolls through his bones. He feels silly long afterwards, staring at the message as he sits at the base of a tree in the state of Washington. His emotions are confusing and turbulent, and Castiel still doesn’t know how to process them all, or understand, exactly, what each means. He likes this one, though. Likes the way it makes his chest tight and stomach tickle.
It frightens him.
He pushes himself to his feet, sliding his phone closed. He spreads his wings and takes to the air.
----
It finally hits Castiel three days later, as he reaches into his pocket for an amulet he no longer has, that he is without purpose, and it makes him fall back against a lit light post in shock. His Father has all but abandoned him. The one thing that Castiel had held true throughout his existence, that God Is Just, is a lie.
Castiel immediately rushes away, weaving through crowds of people and into the night, as if he could run from that thought. But he can’t, because he can see, truly see, what is real. God does not reward His faithful. He watches as they burn, assisting only to continue the game.
Castiel hates God, viciously and bitterly. He feels breathless and sick, but he doesn’t stop moving, continues fleeing through Seoul, Korea. He wonders if this is what Uriel had felt, had seen, before he had turned to Lucifer.
“God is dead,” Uriel had said. Maybe he hadn’t meant God. Maybe he’d meant that the Word of God is dead, the Idea of God is dead, the Truth of God is dead.
Maybe, Castiel thinks as he stares at the rainbow colors of the Banpo Bridge, the idealized God Castiel had worshipped and obeyed for all of time had never actually existed.
I am tired and lost.
whenever ur ready weill be here
The typo again. Castiel closes his eyes and inhales, feeling the warmth spread through him, tingling along his fingers and prickling up and down his arms. His chest is aches and his stomach quivers.
He embraces it, and smiles.
----
It’s Sunday where Castiel stands, staring at the pyramids of Egypt. There isn’t another soul here except for the animals around these structures of man. They are golden, a testament to humankind’s ingenuity. They are beautiful, still, and empty. There’s warmth here, bleeding through his trenchcoat from the sun and through his shoes from the sand.
But it’s not the right kind of warmth.
Castiel pulls his cell phone from his pocket and his fingers fly over the keys. The warmth already dances at his fingers. He presses it to his ear.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice dribbles through, and Castiel’s stolen heart beats stronger and quicker.
“Hello Dean,” Castiel says, turning away from the emptiness and looks to the sky. “Where are you?”