Innermonologue
what do we think about when we arn't thinking? Words flow freely as we continue our daily lives. When nothing else, I tune in just to hear the radio of my mind. Erratic and uncontrolled. Thoughts, ideas, intellectual proses, memories, emotions...
Today, everything seemed clear. Almost as if I was trying to tell myself something important. I wish only I can control the thoughts and write them down. Remember them...
We are all lonely. The world is just a lonely place. Even when we are with someone we care about, we still feel that pinge of loneliness. Then.. We get bored. The world is just that interesting. We are all just playing a game with our own emotions. Then the reality hits. Sometimes its not loneliness, its questioning. What if? That general peek of curiosity that causes us to doubt ourselves. To me, this is interesting. I know loneliness. I embraced the misery because its what I knew, its what I knew I can handle. Then its strikes me. What in this world am I doing? I can be the center of attention at a moments notice, then disappear at the moments notice. I've always thrived on causing a ruckus and leaving early. Being the first one to jump in the lake and when everyone was in, to be the first one heading home. Alone...
Then, with everything going on. So much to do, so much changing to be made, everything spiraling around. Its hard to catch on to anything to be stable. Then, for the first time in so many years, I feel that i'm not truly alone.
What direction do I take? What am I truly doing this for? What am I trying to achieve? I know the answers, but I don't see them as a great reason. I should be doing everything for myself and in a way I am, but its not just for me. Its because I don't want to be alone. I am doing all this to try to gain something I already know I can never achieve. So the fear is that once I get to that place, and it all goes south, will I resent myself or will I be satisfied with what i've done with my life?
Change doesn't happen in a day. Hell, with everything, its going to take a lifetime. Here is the perfect opportunity for me to become the person I should have been. To fix my mistakes. To do whats right by me. And so it all begins...
And that, my friends, is that.
Today, everything seemed clear. Almost as if I was trying to tell myself something important. I wish only I can control the thoughts and write them down. Remember them...
We are all lonely. The world is just a lonely place. Even when we are with someone we care about, we still feel that pinge of loneliness. Then.. We get bored. The world is just that interesting. We are all just playing a game with our own emotions. Then the reality hits. Sometimes its not loneliness, its questioning. What if? That general peek of curiosity that causes us to doubt ourselves. To me, this is interesting. I know loneliness. I embraced the misery because its what I knew, its what I knew I can handle. Then its strikes me. What in this world am I doing? I can be the center of attention at a moments notice, then disappear at the moments notice. I've always thrived on causing a ruckus and leaving early. Being the first one to jump in the lake and when everyone was in, to be the first one heading home. Alone...
Then, with everything going on. So much to do, so much changing to be made, everything spiraling around. Its hard to catch on to anything to be stable. Then, for the first time in so many years, I feel that i'm not truly alone.
What direction do I take? What am I truly doing this for? What am I trying to achieve? I know the answers, but I don't see them as a great reason. I should be doing everything for myself and in a way I am, but its not just for me. Its because I don't want to be alone. I am doing all this to try to gain something I already know I can never achieve. So the fear is that once I get to that place, and it all goes south, will I resent myself or will I be satisfied with what i've done with my life?
Change doesn't happen in a day. Hell, with everything, its going to take a lifetime. Here is the perfect opportunity for me to become the person I should have been. To fix my mistakes. To do whats right by me. And so it all begins...
And that, my friends, is that.