(no subject)
Internal musing.
Its such a weird conundrum. i'm surrounded by friends and yet somehow I feel as insignificatant as if I wasn't really there. Not appreciated but recognized. I guess my standard is alittle hi for what i'm getting, which isn't a bad thing I guess. Maybe its because i'm wanting to be more then I am, and thats the problem.. I am who I am and that'll be the way it is. We can always change what we are doing, where we are going, and even to an extent who we are. Deep inside tho, we are always the same. Its helpless to really fight it. Its a deep rooted depression that only comes to those who have missed out and been abused. I guess I want to feel special and needed, and I am. But whats the price for it? I'm not needed for who I am, I am needed for what I can do for others. Its never just as simple as We need you for you.. Its, we need you for you.. because X this and that. I get told all the time thats not the case, but look at what believeing thats gotten me. I'm just money and fixing to most people. Its kind of shameful to think otherwise anymore in this world. Sure, I do have the few friends who genuinely like me and want me around. But these are the people from the better part of my life. They know me and who I really am. They don't expect anything from me because they know. Those are my family and the few i'd kill for... But everyone else I feel so disjointed from because it always comes down to a need I have to fill.
Maybe declining medication to treat depression as a child was a wrong turn, maybe it's not too late to get back onto the bus. What whould that really do at this point? kicking myself from the past? Covering up what realization I have already have with a flase smile that is chemically induced? MAybe learn to deal with it in a way that I feel I am truely good at. Writing? But what is writing then a reminder to whats already happen, what you already know? who can really say anymore. Writing used to be an expression of someones feeling and emotions and current situation. But nowadays its just shot down and critisized as something childish and the most help anyone can offer is stop being sn emo pussy.
Maybe thats all i need anymore. A shove, a push, a distince reminder that the world isn't here anymore and that you are truely alone and you have to fix your shit or get the fuck out.... Maybe its how I feel better knowing that people don't care... Not so much as in that they could give a shit about the problems or the rambling, but more like.... They don't care, they don't see the problem and i'm just making myself depressed for no reason other then to feel something.. So I can look inside and find that glimmer of hope and happiness thats locked away behind the shit i'm letting myself succumb to. Either which way, I want a change, I want to be known.. I want people to see me and not demand or expect anything more then just who I am, not what they need from me. Its even harder when I, unkown at the time to my dismay, got into a situation oh the heart. I guess i'm just too easy and throw it around because I can never seem to find anything anymore that I feel can make me happy. Thats the problem too.. Maybe I should be more foward. Maybe I should just give the kiss when I want to, just to see what happens instead of wondering what would have happened... Heh, maybe I should just say something akwardly and see where it all can lead. No matter the case, its all just alot to handle and its becoming clear that I need something more for myself.. The move went well, but a week in I feel just as discarded and used. What is planned for me in the future? If its anything the Tarot tells me, It really cannot be good.. Drawing a Tower/Death in a row never has signified anything good for anyone.. Maybe i'm looking into it too far.
Maybe i'm just in a rutt and that needs to end. Maybe its trying to tell me I just need to end it all, remove my life from where i'm at and be something.. someone else.. Who could I ever be but myself? Thats the thinking that will keep me locked into this world of depression and self-loathing..
Whatever the case may be, I do feel a bit better now. Like i've gotten rid of something nagging me and made room for something good. Maybe i've just opened myself up to something worse. I guess that comes with making choices and doing what we feel we need.. Acceptance is the first step to overcoming. A positive twist onto something seemingly hopeless.
well, on that note, i'm going back into the group, maybe with a bit more understanding of myself, maybe feeling more vulnerable then before, or maybe feeling happier.. I know tomorrow will be just another day and with that more or less the same from everyone I see.. Atleast I can always smile and pretend to be on cloud nine and soon i will be.... Maybe i'll just tell them to fuck off and leave me alone because they only bring me down to a level I feel is well below my expectations.. Maybe... maybe..
Its such a weird conundrum. i'm surrounded by friends and yet somehow I feel as insignificatant as if I wasn't really there. Not appreciated but recognized. I guess my standard is alittle hi for what i'm getting, which isn't a bad thing I guess. Maybe its because i'm wanting to be more then I am, and thats the problem.. I am who I am and that'll be the way it is. We can always change what we are doing, where we are going, and even to an extent who we are. Deep inside tho, we are always the same. Its helpless to really fight it. Its a deep rooted depression that only comes to those who have missed out and been abused. I guess I want to feel special and needed, and I am. But whats the price for it? I'm not needed for who I am, I am needed for what I can do for others. Its never just as simple as We need you for you.. Its, we need you for you.. because X this and that. I get told all the time thats not the case, but look at what believeing thats gotten me. I'm just money and fixing to most people. Its kind of shameful to think otherwise anymore in this world. Sure, I do have the few friends who genuinely like me and want me around. But these are the people from the better part of my life. They know me and who I really am. They don't expect anything from me because they know. Those are my family and the few i'd kill for... But everyone else I feel so disjointed from because it always comes down to a need I have to fill.
Maybe declining medication to treat depression as a child was a wrong turn, maybe it's not too late to get back onto the bus. What whould that really do at this point? kicking myself from the past? Covering up what realization I have already have with a flase smile that is chemically induced? MAybe learn to deal with it in a way that I feel I am truely good at. Writing? But what is writing then a reminder to whats already happen, what you already know? who can really say anymore. Writing used to be an expression of someones feeling and emotions and current situation. But nowadays its just shot down and critisized as something childish and the most help anyone can offer is stop being sn emo pussy.
Maybe thats all i need anymore. A shove, a push, a distince reminder that the world isn't here anymore and that you are truely alone and you have to fix your shit or get the fuck out.... Maybe its how I feel better knowing that people don't care... Not so much as in that they could give a shit about the problems or the rambling, but more like.... They don't care, they don't see the problem and i'm just making myself depressed for no reason other then to feel something.. So I can look inside and find that glimmer of hope and happiness thats locked away behind the shit i'm letting myself succumb to. Either which way, I want a change, I want to be known.. I want people to see me and not demand or expect anything more then just who I am, not what they need from me. Its even harder when I, unkown at the time to my dismay, got into a situation oh the heart. I guess i'm just too easy and throw it around because I can never seem to find anything anymore that I feel can make me happy. Thats the problem too.. Maybe I should be more foward. Maybe I should just give the kiss when I want to, just to see what happens instead of wondering what would have happened... Heh, maybe I should just say something akwardly and see where it all can lead. No matter the case, its all just alot to handle and its becoming clear that I need something more for myself.. The move went well, but a week in I feel just as discarded and used. What is planned for me in the future? If its anything the Tarot tells me, It really cannot be good.. Drawing a Tower/Death in a row never has signified anything good for anyone.. Maybe i'm looking into it too far.
Maybe i'm just in a rutt and that needs to end. Maybe its trying to tell me I just need to end it all, remove my life from where i'm at and be something.. someone else.. Who could I ever be but myself? Thats the thinking that will keep me locked into this world of depression and self-loathing..
Whatever the case may be, I do feel a bit better now. Like i've gotten rid of something nagging me and made room for something good. Maybe i've just opened myself up to something worse. I guess that comes with making choices and doing what we feel we need.. Acceptance is the first step to overcoming. A positive twist onto something seemingly hopeless.
well, on that note, i'm going back into the group, maybe with a bit more understanding of myself, maybe feeling more vulnerable then before, or maybe feeling happier.. I know tomorrow will be just another day and with that more or less the same from everyone I see.. Atleast I can always smile and pretend to be on cloud nine and soon i will be.... Maybe i'll just tell them to fuck off and leave me alone because they only bring me down to a level I feel is well below my expectations.. Maybe... maybe..