Gimme Some Squiggles ?????
First things first. You are now talking to one of the newest "sales associate's" for wal-mart inc. I will be stocking groceries. Yesterday was my brainwashing and it went pretty much as i expected, except here are my high points:
I was one of the top 15 out of 60 applicants! Yeah, that makes me one of the best of the worst!(is it okay to cheer about that?)
A lady that is 27, has 3 children with 3 different guys, (sounds like Kid Rock Song) and never been married, ill call her "Slut." Anhow, she wouldn't stop touching my coat (its leather, who can blame her) but she wouldn't just touch it and tell me she liked it, she would use excuses to touch it like she would laugh and hit me or brush her hand against it if she was walking behind me, it was friggin' crazy. This was like at least 15 times, I STILL feel slightly violated. Anhow, she didn't know how to fill out NOT A SINGLE DAMN ONE of the numerous forms that wal-mart makes you sign. This is one interaction we had:
Slut: How are we supposed to know how many dependants we have?
Me: what? uhh...do you have kids?
Slut: yeah, 2..well 3..but i let some asshole get custody of the first one.
Me: oh
Slut: well, how are we supposed to know?
Me: I have no idea, it might have something to do with how many kids you have living with you and if your married or not and if your husband works.
Slut: oh, well, i have a boyfriend that lives with me now, does that count?
Me: I have no idea.
(by the way, every time she asked me a question she would grab my arm, playing like she was trying to get my attention, but she just wanted to touch my way cool jacket) (again, who could balme her.)
Okay, now there is this other guy that is sitting across from slut, ill call him "dumbass." He is gonna be working in the car department as a "lube man." Anyhow, he is like 40 and is hitting on Slut pretty much the whole damn 8 hours we are there. During the day little unimportant people like oh ummm.. whats his titile.."The store director" would come in and talk to us and the whole time the dude is up there talking these two are carrying on about where they live and their previous jobs. Then,(this is my favorite Dumbass part) we had to get on the computers and put head phones on and get brainwashed by the computer and take tests at the end of each of these computer brainwashing sessions, if you didnt get at least an 80% you had to do the whole thing again, but, the questions at the end are the same and most are true/false. Anyhow, Dumbass gets a 66% on the first one, i got a 93% (i'm embarrared about that, hey, i didn't know there was gonna be a test at the end so i didn't pay attention.) I went on to the next one and got 100%. He starts asking me after he got his 66% "well, i didn't make it, what do i do now?" I tell him "you just gotta do it again." He's like, "the whole thing?" im like "yeah dude, just click right there, and pay attention this time, and answer the questions at the end. If ya get an 80 you can go on to the next one." I looked over at him and it looked like he had tears welling up in his eyes. It was great. So, anyhow, I almost made a 40 year old former car mechanic cry, i call that a good first day.
Crap, i just remembered something else about dumbass. When we first got on the computers, this is our converstaion:
Dumbass: I've never used one of these things, i have no use for 'em.
me: oh
Dumbass: You any good with these?
Me: I can do okay.
Dumbass: Oh yeah, your real good with these huh? your gonna have to help me along here then.
Me: (silence)
then the lady that is brainwashing us has us enter our names and passwords in the computer. Our names our the fist letter in our first and middle names and the first five letters in our last name. I look over and Dumbass has "Nathan" typed on his screen. I was suprised he found the letters that fast.
Me: Hey, you gotta use the...(see above)..
Dumbass: wha..huh..how..uhh...okay, how do you erase something?
thank god, the lady comes over and types it in for him. But god damn her she didnt hit enter!
our next step is to make up a password. Right as she says that dumbass almost screaming says, "oh, I KNOW WHAT MINE IS!!!" thats when i lost it and started laughing a little bit, but i really lost it when he starts typing in his great and wonderful password in the username colum. So, therfore, he is back on square one beccause he just screwed up the one thing that was right so far. I told him to delete back to where his name ends and then hit enter. he says, "what's that? where's that at?" From that point on the lady just stood right behind dumbass and pretty much did everything for him, except the test, which he got a 66% on.
by the way, i think he is gonna score with slut.
I'm sure there are more funny things that happend, but i can think of any. Except that out of the 15 "new associates" only 3 of us didnt smoke, there was so much smoke in the smoking room and so many people crammed in there it looked more like a gas chamber.
and the video about unions was funny because it said "walmart is not anti-union it is pro-associate" and "all unions will do is take your hard earned money to have someone speak for you, and who likes people speaking for them, when you can speak for yourself."
Im just teasing you guys by not talking about the buttons yet. So, right now i'll explain the title. During our mandatory breaks, (yes, if you skip them you can get in trouble.) i wandered around in the back room and found this little counter where you can buy buttons for you cool walmart vest. They had everything from sept. 11th pins to walmart "people make the difference" pins(whatever the hell that means) But they also had a pin of the smiley face guy, his whole body, feet, arms and all, with a little word bubble coming out of his smiley face head that said "Gimme Some Squiggles." I was ABSOLUTELY USELESS the rest of the day, all that kept going through my head is gimme some squiggles, gimme some squiggles, gimme some squiggles. WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MEAN? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME? GIMME SOME SQUIGGLES!!! WHAT ARE SQUIGGLES AND WHY DOES THE SMILEY FACE GUY WANT THEM? WWWHHHHYYYY? in fact i was so out of it that someone asked me where i was gonna be working and i couldnt remember, it took me like 8 seconds to answer. That was my dumb thing of the day. However, they did have some cool pins of the smiely face guy, with and without cowboy hat and i think a few others. But they cost like 4 bucks a piece and since they pay bi-weekly and we are on an off week i wont get my first check for 3 weeks, so i cant be wasting money like that. I'm not friggin' Don Trump. Buy the way, besides a fading smiley face painted on the floor in the backroom, those pins were the only sign of the smiely face i saw, no a single damn button anywhere! not even on any of the other employees, i dont know what happened, he musta broke something when he was knocking down prices and pissed the people off where i work. But, do you know what they tried given me instead? A friggin' balloon button! a piece of shit, white with orange stripes balloon button! a fucking balloon! Do I look like a clown? Do I amuse them? Do I look like I should be wallking around an amusement park selling these condom rejects? Is that what they're telling me? i think the balloon is very interesting, does it mean that prices will be floating up? I think im at some kinda secret floating up prices wal-mart, something very fishy is going on here and im gonna figure it out.
Actually the balloons are for the child miracle network, but why the hell do i care, i dont have children, screw children (don't take literally, i dont want some pedophile reading this and saying in court that Jeremy's journal made him do it.) I dont think these wal-mart bastards know who they are dealing with. Our families will rain down fire and brimstone on them unless i get my buttons.
I had it all figured out how i was gonna distribute them too, it was gonna be like fear factor and the bachelor combined. You all start off with smiely faces and after you dont complete a challegne i take them away and yor gone off the show. But the stuff you have to do is gonna be really gross, not just eating a pig rectum, that is childs play. I'll have you like an a live pigs rectum, or lick each others assholes or but-cracks or something. Mostly just stuff involving bathroom humor. Except for Mike and Melissa and sara cause you guys deserve one. Anyone else that wants one better be ready for some really sick stuff. These aren't just willy nilly gifts you randomly give away, i earn them throuh my blood, sweat and tears, and so will everyone else, except you 3.
Oh my god that is alot of writing, i got alot more stuff to talk about, but i covered most of the good wal-mart stuff. Now on a serious note: sorry >(
My grandpa leimback had to go to emergency room yesterday cause he was kinda out of it, he came back home later after they told him he has heart failure and somthing else. When i seen him he was breathing really, really hard and it reminded me of what hershey was like right before she died, and hershey died of heart failure also. It's sad. But dont let this detour you from writing funny stuff in the comments section, just ignore this last part if ya wanna. Its just something that is on my mind. I still gotta tell you about ice skating, rollerblading, racqetball, someone getting credit card stolen, melissa's bf, gpa as youngin', Ferris makes me very very very very very very very very very very very very very very angry. How because its a windy day the internet connection keeps getting disconnected, no lines are down, i guess just can handle the bouncing. "these pretzels are making me thirsty" for mike, and last but not least, if you are ever in a wal-mart and hear "code blue" come over the loud speaker RUN! it means there is a bomb, or at least a bomb threat. Code Red is Fire and Code Adam is a lost kid. Okay, ta ta for now, (no H).
hey, maybe my journal isn't so lame after all. Look at that, i have a shred of self confidence.
I was one of the top 15 out of 60 applicants! Yeah, that makes me one of the best of the worst!(is it okay to cheer about that?)
A lady that is 27, has 3 children with 3 different guys, (sounds like Kid Rock Song) and never been married, ill call her "Slut." Anhow, she wouldn't stop touching my coat (its leather, who can blame her) but she wouldn't just touch it and tell me she liked it, she would use excuses to touch it like she would laugh and hit me or brush her hand against it if she was walking behind me, it was friggin' crazy. This was like at least 15 times, I STILL feel slightly violated. Anhow, she didn't know how to fill out NOT A SINGLE DAMN ONE of the numerous forms that wal-mart makes you sign. This is one interaction we had:
Slut: How are we supposed to know how many dependants we have?
Me: what? uhh...do you have kids?
Slut: yeah, 2..well 3..but i let some asshole get custody of the first one.
Me: oh
Slut: well, how are we supposed to know?
Me: I have no idea, it might have something to do with how many kids you have living with you and if your married or not and if your husband works.
Slut: oh, well, i have a boyfriend that lives with me now, does that count?
Me: I have no idea.
(by the way, every time she asked me a question she would grab my arm, playing like she was trying to get my attention, but she just wanted to touch my way cool jacket) (again, who could balme her.)
Okay, now there is this other guy that is sitting across from slut, ill call him "dumbass." He is gonna be working in the car department as a "lube man." Anyhow, he is like 40 and is hitting on Slut pretty much the whole damn 8 hours we are there. During the day little unimportant people like oh ummm.. whats his titile.."The store director" would come in and talk to us and the whole time the dude is up there talking these two are carrying on about where they live and their previous jobs. Then,(this is my favorite Dumbass part) we had to get on the computers and put head phones on and get brainwashed by the computer and take tests at the end of each of these computer brainwashing sessions, if you didnt get at least an 80% you had to do the whole thing again, but, the questions at the end are the same and most are true/false. Anyhow, Dumbass gets a 66% on the first one, i got a 93% (i'm embarrared about that, hey, i didn't know there was gonna be a test at the end so i didn't pay attention.) I went on to the next one and got 100%. He starts asking me after he got his 66% "well, i didn't make it, what do i do now?" I tell him "you just gotta do it again." He's like, "the whole thing?" im like "yeah dude, just click right there, and pay attention this time, and answer the questions at the end. If ya get an 80 you can go on to the next one." I looked over at him and it looked like he had tears welling up in his eyes. It was great. So, anyhow, I almost made a 40 year old former car mechanic cry, i call that a good first day.
Crap, i just remembered something else about dumbass. When we first got on the computers, this is our converstaion:
Dumbass: I've never used one of these things, i have no use for 'em.
me: oh
Dumbass: You any good with these?
Me: I can do okay.
Dumbass: Oh yeah, your real good with these huh? your gonna have to help me along here then.
Me: (silence)
then the lady that is brainwashing us has us enter our names and passwords in the computer. Our names our the fist letter in our first and middle names and the first five letters in our last name. I look over and Dumbass has "Nathan" typed on his screen. I was suprised he found the letters that fast.
Me: Hey, you gotta use the...(see above)..
Dumbass: wha..huh..how..uhh...okay, how do you erase something?
thank god, the lady comes over and types it in for him. But god damn her she didnt hit enter!
our next step is to make up a password. Right as she says that dumbass almost screaming says, "oh, I KNOW WHAT MINE IS!!!" thats when i lost it and started laughing a little bit, but i really lost it when he starts typing in his great and wonderful password in the username colum. So, therfore, he is back on square one beccause he just screwed up the one thing that was right so far. I told him to delete back to where his name ends and then hit enter. he says, "what's that? where's that at?" From that point on the lady just stood right behind dumbass and pretty much did everything for him, except the test, which he got a 66% on.
by the way, i think he is gonna score with slut.
I'm sure there are more funny things that happend, but i can think of any. Except that out of the 15 "new associates" only 3 of us didnt smoke, there was so much smoke in the smoking room and so many people crammed in there it looked more like a gas chamber.
and the video about unions was funny because it said "walmart is not anti-union it is pro-associate" and "all unions will do is take your hard earned money to have someone speak for you, and who likes people speaking for them, when you can speak for yourself."
Im just teasing you guys by not talking about the buttons yet. So, right now i'll explain the title. During our mandatory breaks, (yes, if you skip them you can get in trouble.) i wandered around in the back room and found this little counter where you can buy buttons for you cool walmart vest. They had everything from sept. 11th pins to walmart "people make the difference" pins(whatever the hell that means) But they also had a pin of the smiley face guy, his whole body, feet, arms and all, with a little word bubble coming out of his smiley face head that said "Gimme Some Squiggles." I was ABSOLUTELY USELESS the rest of the day, all that kept going through my head is gimme some squiggles, gimme some squiggles, gimme some squiggles. WHAT THE HELL DOES IT MEAN? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME? GIMME SOME SQUIGGLES!!! WHAT ARE SQUIGGLES AND WHY DOES THE SMILEY FACE GUY WANT THEM? WWWHHHHYYYY? in fact i was so out of it that someone asked me where i was gonna be working and i couldnt remember, it took me like 8 seconds to answer. That was my dumb thing of the day. However, they did have some cool pins of the smiely face guy, with and without cowboy hat and i think a few others. But they cost like 4 bucks a piece and since they pay bi-weekly and we are on an off week i wont get my first check for 3 weeks, so i cant be wasting money like that. I'm not friggin' Don Trump. Buy the way, besides a fading smiley face painted on the floor in the backroom, those pins were the only sign of the smiely face i saw, no a single damn button anywhere! not even on any of the other employees, i dont know what happened, he musta broke something when he was knocking down prices and pissed the people off where i work. But, do you know what they tried given me instead? A friggin' balloon button! a piece of shit, white with orange stripes balloon button! a fucking balloon! Do I look like a clown? Do I amuse them? Do I look like I should be wallking around an amusement park selling these condom rejects? Is that what they're telling me? i think the balloon is very interesting, does it mean that prices will be floating up? I think im at some kinda secret floating up prices wal-mart, something very fishy is going on here and im gonna figure it out.
Actually the balloons are for the child miracle network, but why the hell do i care, i dont have children, screw children (don't take literally, i dont want some pedophile reading this and saying in court that Jeremy's journal made him do it.) I dont think these wal-mart bastards know who they are dealing with. Our families will rain down fire and brimstone on them unless i get my buttons.
I had it all figured out how i was gonna distribute them too, it was gonna be like fear factor and the bachelor combined. You all start off with smiely faces and after you dont complete a challegne i take them away and yor gone off the show. But the stuff you have to do is gonna be really gross, not just eating a pig rectum, that is childs play. I'll have you like an a live pigs rectum, or lick each others assholes or but-cracks or something. Mostly just stuff involving bathroom humor. Except for Mike and Melissa and sara cause you guys deserve one. Anyone else that wants one better be ready for some really sick stuff. These aren't just willy nilly gifts you randomly give away, i earn them throuh my blood, sweat and tears, and so will everyone else, except you 3.
Oh my god that is alot of writing, i got alot more stuff to talk about, but i covered most of the good wal-mart stuff. Now on a serious note: sorry >(
My grandpa leimback had to go to emergency room yesterday cause he was kinda out of it, he came back home later after they told him he has heart failure and somthing else. When i seen him he was breathing really, really hard and it reminded me of what hershey was like right before she died, and hershey died of heart failure also. It's sad. But dont let this detour you from writing funny stuff in the comments section, just ignore this last part if ya wanna. Its just something that is on my mind. I still gotta tell you about ice skating, rollerblading, racqetball, someone getting credit card stolen, melissa's bf, gpa as youngin', Ferris makes me very very very very very very very very very very very very very very angry. How because its a windy day the internet connection keeps getting disconnected, no lines are down, i guess just can handle the bouncing. "these pretzels are making me thirsty" for mike, and last but not least, if you are ever in a wal-mart and hear "code blue" come over the loud speaker RUN! it means there is a bomb, or at least a bomb threat. Code Red is Fire and Code Adam is a lost kid. Okay, ta ta for now, (no H).
hey, maybe my journal isn't so lame after all. Look at that, i have a shred of self confidence.