Firstly sweetie, you;'ll have to forgive me for attempting to critique/proofread this at three in the morning. And secondly, I have long fake nails for Halloween weekend and it's totally messing with my typing, but hopefully I'll be able to catch all my own typos and not just make more mistakes for you :P
"It is my goal to continue to use my rounded educational background and understanding to further improve the lives of people around me."
It's a nice, idealistic sentence but the adjective "rounded" sounds odd to me. I want to say "well rounded" but then it sounds cliché and adds a word to your wordcount. (How strict are the applications regarding the length of your personal statement?)
"I have spent ten years in young childhood education doing everything from simply play and organization, to teaching chemifluorescence to elementary school children, and even one-on-one work with challenged individuals (be that physically, mentally, or learning disabled). "
"young childhood education" sounds awkward to me. Young is somewhat implied by the word childhood. I know at Hood our "young childhood education" program is referred to as "early childhood education." I dunno, I just think "early" sounds better than "young" but then again, it is three thirty in the morning so take my advice with a grain of salt :P
"After the many years of hard work in this area,"
I think you can cut out "the" from this sentence.
" I can only imagine the immense impact..."
Yay for alliteration! A synonym for "immense" could be "tremendous."
"Teaching is a profession of two plain, but difficult, guidelines that have this point allowed for my success:"
I'm fairly certain that's called a comma splice. Read it outloud and pause at the commas, that's what commas indicate: a pause. I think it sounds wrong with "but difficult" set off by commas. Read it with the commas and without the commas. See what I mean, sweetie? :* Also, I think you need an "at" in this sentence as in "that have at point..."
"driving many times a week across the river..."
I just had to giggle when I read that. It sounds so through the woods to grandmother's house we go :) It's cute!
" I have also cleared up a window every day next semester to allow me to personally be involved in every aspect of a study that shall be of my design and result in an undergraduate research thesis. However, we currently have neither the facilities, nor the expertise to realize the full scientific potential available in such a field."
There's something about these two sentences in conjunction that just isn't working for me. It sounds like you're saying RPI doesn't have the facilities but I think you mean the sentence generally for the entire field? It confused me, I'm not clear on what it's referring back to with the "we."
Anyhow, sorry for being all nitpicky about your statement but ya did kind of ask ;) I'll go through the rest of it later if you want me to :) Good luck on the GRE's! *MWAH!* When you finish call and let me know how you did :D
Yay for alliteration!pharmawhatOctober 29 2004, 13:06:26 UTC
My cutie is the bestest, late-night grammar nazi ever! :-) *MWAH* I love all your suggestions, mad I didn't find half of them myself, but proud I didn't get more five screw-ups from an ingish aficionado in such a long paper. :-P I think most grad schools really have no limits, which is why I'm going HOG WILD!!! :) Thank you cutie, go to bed.
Re: Yay for alliteration!slow_like_honeyOctober 29 2004, 16:00:09 UTC
I found one more... "I have recently this past summer been promoted to now be the youngest member..." I thought setting "this past summer" off by commas might make this sentence better but that doesn't sound right to me either. Maybe you want to rework it to say something like "This past summer I was promoted to be the youngest member..." Or something like that? "I was recently promoted to be the..." "Just this past summer I was promoted and became the youngest member..." I think you get the idea :)
I'm glad you think my suggestions are helpful sweetie :) *MWAH!*
My personal statement for my application at Hood limits me to five hundred words. Speaking of which, I should probably start working on that soon. The sooner I apply the sooner I know if I'll be back in the spring or not 'cause registration starts in a few weeks. And I did go to bed shortly after posting that comment :) I didn't have anywhere to be this morning tho' so I got to sleep in and it was nice :D
"It is my goal to continue to use my rounded educational background and understanding to further improve the lives of people around me."
It's a nice, idealistic sentence but the adjective "rounded" sounds odd to me. I want to say "well rounded" but then it sounds cliché and adds a word to your wordcount. (How strict are the applications regarding the length of your personal statement?)
"I have spent ten years in young childhood education doing everything from simply play and organization, to teaching chemifluorescence to elementary school children, and even one-on-one work with challenged individuals (be that physically, mentally, or learning disabled). "
"young childhood education" sounds awkward to me. Young is somewhat implied by the word childhood. I know at Hood our "young childhood education" program is referred to as "early childhood education." I dunno, I just think "early" sounds better than "young" but then again, it is three thirty in the morning so take my advice with a grain of salt :P
"After the many years of hard work in this area,"
I think you can cut out "the" from this sentence.
" I can only imagine the immense impact..."
Yay for alliteration! A synonym for "immense" could be "tremendous."
"Teaching is a profession of two plain, but difficult, guidelines that have this point allowed for my success:"
I'm fairly certain that's called a comma splice. Read it outloud and pause at the commas, that's what commas indicate: a pause. I think it sounds wrong with "but difficult" set off by commas. Read it with the commas and without the commas. See what I mean, sweetie? :* Also, I think you need an "at" in this sentence as in "that have at point..."
"driving many times a week across the river..."
I just had to giggle when I read that. It sounds so through the woods to grandmother's house we go :) It's cute!
" I have also cleared up a window every day next semester to allow me to personally be involved in every aspect of a study that shall be of my design and result in an undergraduate research thesis. However, we currently have neither the facilities, nor the expertise to realize the full scientific potential available in such a field."
There's something about these two sentences in conjunction that just isn't working for me. It sounds like you're saying RPI doesn't have the facilities but I think you mean the sentence generally for the entire field? It confused me, I'm not clear on what it's referring back to with the "we."
Anyhow, sorry for being all nitpicky about your statement but ya did kind of ask ;) I'll go through the rest of it later if you want me to :) Good luck on the GRE's! *MWAH!* When you finish call and let me know how you did :D
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I love all your suggestions, mad I didn't find half of them myself, but proud I didn't get more five screw-ups from an ingish aficionado in such a long paper. :-P I think most grad schools really have no limits, which is why I'm going HOG WILD!!! :)
Thank you cutie, go to bed.
Reply
I'm glad you think my suggestions are helpful sweetie :) *MWAH!*
My personal statement for my application at Hood limits me to five hundred words. Speaking of which, I should probably start working on that soon. The sooner I apply the sooner I know if I'll be back in the spring or not 'cause registration starts in a few weeks. And I did go to bed shortly after posting that comment :) I didn't have anywhere to be this morning tho' so I got to sleep in and it was nice :D
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