(no subject)
I don't even know. I had some hideous recurring bouts of misery last year but they've been pretty quiet this year - maybe two or three bad days each in January and February and none at all in March or April. I think it's over. I think I'm safely out the other side of it and it feels good.
But... that doesn't mean I can't occasionally feel like I'd really like to throw my arms around someone and bury my face in their neck and let them pat my back and murmur soothing things in my ear. Doesn't mean I don't occasionally feel lonely. Yeah, I know. I spent all of Friday night with a very good friend and I'm still recovering from it. It's far too soon to start complaining. But I'm non-demonstrative, I don't have that easy way of casually touching someone's arm while we're talking, I don't have the instinct to hug people in greeting, I struggle with small talk. Here I can and do whine a fair bit. I don't in real life. I can't stress that enough. In real life, you'd often not even notice I'm there. I'm invisible. I'm shy. I'm silent. I am not very good at articulating whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I keep real people at a bit of a distance. I don't make friends easily or lightly
And so I tend to get overlooked. Entirely my own fault, I know. I have developed a strong independent streak to compensate. And being overlooked can be handy, to be fair. But occasionally I feel a little bit sad that people overlook me. Not looking for *hugs* or sympathy, by the way. That would be an abuse of my whining space. I am saying this merely to whine. What I really want is for Jess and Annie to occasionally remember that even now they're married, they still have a quiet lonely friend who'd like to stay in contact and doesn't want to always have to be the one to initiate it because when she does, she tends to get brushed aside because friends apparently aren't as important as husbands. You see your husbands all day every day. Can't you spare me a couple of hours once in a blue moon? And also, don't try to find me a convenient boyfriend just because single people don't fit into your lifestyle anymore. "You mess up the numbers a bit" is a nice way to make me feel welcome. And who cares whether there's an odd or even number of people anyway? Being single is the part of my life that I genuinely have no problem with. I am not emotionally capable of coping with a boyfriend. And even if I was, I'm not exactly girlfriend material. Asexuals generally do not pair up brilliantly with boyfriends/girlfriends.
Didn't mean to go down that road. My zen side accepts that my path in life is heading in a different direction from their paths, that we're in our mid-twenties now and we're growing apart and that is heartbreaking in itself but... I accept it. On those rare occasions when we do get together we revert to giggly thirteen-year-olds but they're pretty rare now. What I actually meant to say is simply that I wish there was someone in my life who wouldn't mind, occasionally, maybe when I'm feeling lonely, just cuddling me. Other people are good at having friends. I'm not.
But... that doesn't mean I can't occasionally feel like I'd really like to throw my arms around someone and bury my face in their neck and let them pat my back and murmur soothing things in my ear. Doesn't mean I don't occasionally feel lonely. Yeah, I know. I spent all of Friday night with a very good friend and I'm still recovering from it. It's far too soon to start complaining. But I'm non-demonstrative, I don't have that easy way of casually touching someone's arm while we're talking, I don't have the instinct to hug people in greeting, I struggle with small talk. Here I can and do whine a fair bit. I don't in real life. I can't stress that enough. In real life, you'd often not even notice I'm there. I'm invisible. I'm shy. I'm silent. I am not very good at articulating whatever I'm thinking or feeling. I keep real people at a bit of a distance. I don't make friends easily or lightly
And so I tend to get overlooked. Entirely my own fault, I know. I have developed a strong independent streak to compensate. And being overlooked can be handy, to be fair. But occasionally I feel a little bit sad that people overlook me. Not looking for *hugs* or sympathy, by the way. That would be an abuse of my whining space. I am saying this merely to whine. What I really want is for Jess and Annie to occasionally remember that even now they're married, they still have a quiet lonely friend who'd like to stay in contact and doesn't want to always have to be the one to initiate it because when she does, she tends to get brushed aside because friends apparently aren't as important as husbands. You see your husbands all day every day. Can't you spare me a couple of hours once in a blue moon? And also, don't try to find me a convenient boyfriend just because single people don't fit into your lifestyle anymore. "You mess up the numbers a bit" is a nice way to make me feel welcome. And who cares whether there's an odd or even number of people anyway? Being single is the part of my life that I genuinely have no problem with. I am not emotionally capable of coping with a boyfriend. And even if I was, I'm not exactly girlfriend material. Asexuals generally do not pair up brilliantly with boyfriends/girlfriends.
Didn't mean to go down that road. My zen side accepts that my path in life is heading in a different direction from their paths, that we're in our mid-twenties now and we're growing apart and that is heartbreaking in itself but... I accept it. On those rare occasions when we do get together we revert to giggly thirteen-year-olds but they're pretty rare now. What I actually meant to say is simply that I wish there was someone in my life who wouldn't mind, occasionally, maybe when I'm feeling lonely, just cuddling me. Other people are good at having friends. I'm not.