Title: A Part of Me 19-21 (Professor!Snape/Student!Snape, NC-17)

[phantomtf]

See Chapter One for warnings.

Chapter Nineteen

Ever since that night, Severus found himself becoming restless by nightfall. It was a very good thing that the school year was drawing toward a close, for his schoolwork seemed trivial and could not hold his attention. What did it matter what grade he got on a homework assignment, when a war raged outside? Professor Snape was waging his own private battle, with the Dark Lord, with the Order, and with his own battered defenses. He had no idea how the man had managed to stay undercover for so long under such stressful conditions. Granted, Snape had said that things had worsened only recently, but the man’s fortitude was amazing nonetheless.

He had started on a few projects of his own. He was working to strengthen his own Occlumency shields and to find a safer Cruciatus treatment. Some nights he found he could not even concentrate on those tasks and took to wandering the halls. On one such night, he passed by a deserted classroom. No sound uttered from within, but he was certain that a crack of light shone from under the door. A couple’s trysting place? He knelt and peered through the crack. He could see virtually nothing, but a few bright flashes were visible. Spells. Was someone dueling?

He jumped to his feet and opened the door. Maybe a Slytherin was being attacked, or maybe some miscreants were showing off. Either way, someone was causing trouble, and it peeved him. The door creaked open, and heads swiveled to look at him. Many heads. Much more than he had anticipated. What was going on here?

The center figure turned, and his breath caught in his throat. He’d know that shabbily-dressed cardigan-sporting figure anywhere. “Hello, Mister Snape,” Lupin said pleasantly. “I see you’ve found our dueling practice.”

Snape folded his arms across his chest. “You’ve formed a dueling club. And excluded Slytherin House. As usual.” A quick glance around confirmed his suspicions. Not once single Slytherin had been invited.

Lupin looked uncomfortable, but covered it up with another smile. “You are quite right. It is not proper to exclude members based on House affiliation alone. We would be glad to have a Slytherin join us.” Snape doubted it, judging from the faces that the other students made. “This is not a club to compare talents and compete, as existed in our school days. This get-together is to hone defensive combat skills.”

“I have no need of such a club.” He noticed Potter standing next to Lupin. How touching. The wolf had taken a protégé. He spun around on his heel, heading back out the door.

The ex-professor’s voice was soft. “No, but we need you, Severus.”

The young man paused and looked over his shoulder. “Do not insult me with lies.”

“Surely you can see the purpose of our gatherings. These students have had a different Defense professor every year. The war comes ever closer, and no one is safe.”

He sneered. “You have nothing to teach me.”

Lupin continued, “Harry had a similar club last year, but he and Dumbledore felt that they would benefit from dueling lessons from multiple teachers. I have plenty of willing students, but few capable instructors. You’re one of the best Defense students I know. I don’t doubt that you could learn a few things - learning is a lifelong experience - but you definitely have a lot to teach. Will you join us?”

“These students don’t like me or Professor Snape. They’d hex me behind my back if they thought they could get away with it. I don’t owe any of you anything.”

Lupin looked crafty. It made him nervous. “How about this, then? I’d like to show the students what a true duel looks like. I invite you to be my sparring partner. If I win, then you join the dueling club. If you win, then you may proceed as you wish. You will, of course, have bragging rights.”

The boy’s sneer grew, but it was obvious he was thinking it over. The offer was laughable. He had no desire to teach, and his fellow students had no desire to learn from him. He was a loner and liked it that way. But he couldn’t deny that he was tempted to accept, just to see how good a duelist the wolf really was. He knew his chances of winning were slim, and it was awfully Slytherin of Lupin to make a bet when the other party was at a disadvantage, but it would be a fascinating learning experience. Plus he had a few spells he was itching to try out.

“We must lay the ground rules,” he said firmly. “If I am to proceed with this ridiculous idea, it must be very clear what is and is not permitted; otherwise I will assume that my actions are acceptable.” Lupin was not surprised. This was a common Slytherin attitude. “To start with, I will assume that unforgivable curses are not allowed. We must also refrain from maiming.”

“Agreed. Since this is a duel for demonstration purposes, deadly force is forbidden. In a life-or-death conflict, I do recommend using any means at your disposal. Let us say that anything resulting in permanent damage or requiring more than a day or two in the infirmary is to be avoided.”

Severus eyed him suspiciously. “That doesn’t leave me with much.”

“You’ll have to make do. I apologize if you’re not up to the challenge.”

The Slytherin did not visibly react to the obvious baiting. “It is a challenge that I meet with no reservations. Let us begin.”

Lupin gestured, and the students fanned out in a loose circle, watching avidly. Snape placed his belongings in the far corner of the room and approached the ex-professor. Most of the students seemed eager to watch Snape get thrashed, though a few did seem impressed by his chutzpah. They bowed to each other, though Snape did not lower his gaze. He knew the value of keeping an enemy within sight. After the formalities had been observed, they walked several paces and turned, holding their wands in customary dueling position.

“We will begin on three.”

“If you cast any spells before three, you forfeit the duel,” Potter said curtly.

Severus cast him a withering glare. “I’m not Malfoy.” Harry idly wondered if he meant Draco, or if Lucius also had the habit of jumping the gun to gain an advantage. It wouldn’t surprise him in the least.

“One… two… three!” They both moved at the same time, flourishing their wands in combat. Flashes of spells and curses lit the room like firecrackers. “Expelliarmus!” Lupin called, sending the wand skittering from Snape’s hand, but he automatically called “Accio wand!”, then took advantage of the man’s surprise by launching an immediate offensive. The background noise rose to a loud murmur at the wandless spell.

The two duelists moved like elegant dancers in a dangerous waltz, alternately taking and giving ground as they systematically tested each other’s weaknesses. Lupin directed a spell at Snape that sent him skidding into the wall; just when it looked like he would slam right into it, he jumped and pushed off the surface with his feet, then turned to repel a hex. Lupin artfully dodged while firing the counter-curse.

After exchanging a few volleys, Lupin shot a particularly powerful spell at him. It flew toward him at light speed. Rather than countering force with force, he snapped, “Reverto Impetus!” The spell bounced off his impromptu shield and promptly rebounded upon its caster, knocking Remus to the floor even as he nodded his approval. Severus lunged at him but Lupin quickly bounded to his feet, so now Snape was the one fighting for balance. The hex he fired at the werewolf missed its mark and hurtled to the spectators, who screamed and tried to dodge out of the way. “Protego absorbeo!” Severus gasped as he landed on his shoulder and rolled before springing back up. An invisible protection formed around those closest to the wayward curse; the shield crackled as the spell impacted and was absorbed. Hermione whooped and applauded loudly. It was exhilarating to see their invention put to practical use.

The spectators were mesmerized. The duelists feinted, lunged, attacked, and ducked. The duel that took place during Harry’s second year was uneventful in comparison; those combatants had just stood still while firing spells. The onlookers watched avidly, learning how important agility and quick thinking played just as much a role as spell-casting. Severus upped the ante, casting non-verbal spells. With the element of surprise at his side, Lupin found it harder to anticipate and counteract whatever came his way.

Snape pointed his wand at his adversary and spoke the Reductor curse. The sheer force erupting from his wand caused him to teeter briefly. Lupin took advantage of his loss of balance to direct a Trip Jinx at his feet. Severus fell to the ground like a lead weight, the impact knocking the wind out of him. His wand rolled out of his grasp.

Lupin approached, wand leveled. Severus pulled himself up to a kneeling position, struggling to force air into his abused lungs. His cheeks burned; angry humiliation gnawed at his insides. He had lost. Defeated by a juvenile Trip Jinx.

Lupin stopped a foot away and opened his mouth to speak. Snape noticed that the man’s wand was still pointed at him but held in a lax grip. He bent his head, trying to suck in another lungful of oxygen. Then he saw it. Right in front of his nose was an old threadbare throw rug. Under Lupin’s scuffed shoes.

With lightning-quick reflexes, Severus yanked hard on the edge of the rug, jerking Lupin right off his feet. He fell backward with an air of almost comical surprise, his skull impacting with a sickening thud on the stone floor. He blinked his eyes, dazed. The Slytherin lost no time, snatching up his wand and pouncing on the fallen combatant. He kicked away the wand that the man had dropped and then planted his foot forcefully on Lupin’s throat, preventing him from summoning it. Snape pointed his wand between the werewolf’s eyes. The man tried to speak but only made a gurgling sound. He placed both hands palms-up on the floor, indicating surrender.

Snape stepped back, allowing Lupin to sit up. He gingerly rubbed his throat with one hand and the impressive knot rising on his head with the other. “You didn’t have to be so rough!” Ron exclaimed angrily as he and Harry helped the man to his feet.

“No, he was quite right,” Remus said mildly. “In a genuine battle, it pays to make sure that your opponent is truly subdued. Note how I had Mister Snape disarmed and seemingly defeated, and yet he was still able to turn the tables - without magic, I’d like to add. Very ingenious, Severus,” he said, nodding his head but wincing at the painful motion. “Always use your surroundings to your advantage.” Students were drawing closer, looking from Snape to Lupin, amazed that the Slytherin had managed to beat the ex-Defense professor. “That was an excellent duel. Thank you for indulging me, Severus. You were a truly worthy opponent. Now, can someone tell me the methods that Mister Snape used during combat and how they benefited him?”

“He used non-verbal spells,” mentioned a long-haired Hufflepuff.

“Very good, Miss Bones. I’m certain you all noticed that I had more difficulty countering the spells when I could not hear the incantation used. Anyone else?”

“He picked his spells carefully, like the Reverto Impetus and Protego Absorbeo, which are more effective than the usual Protego spell.”

“Quite right, Hermione. He made every spell count.”

“You were able to gain the upper hand with a Trip Jinx,” Harry pointed out. “It’s a very simple spell, but it did the trick.”

“Very good point. Use any and every trick in the book, for you never know which will be handy.”

Snape tried to surreptitiously press a hand to his side. He wondered if his ribs were cracked. Lupin noticed and touched his sore head in empathy. “I fear I may have to make a trip to the Hospital Wing at the conclusion of tonight’s gathering. Your retaliation was most effective. You seem hurt as well, so I’d suggest you accompany me.”

Severus sneered. “And let that evil woman get me in her clutches? I don’t think so. That’s what healing potions are for.”

“So you’re not coming back then?” Harry asked. Severus raised his chin, a barb poised on the tip of his tongue, until he realized that the Gryffie looked… almost disappointed. Why? Because he couldn’t see Severus take another thrashing? Surely he didn’t want Snape to actually join them?!

He shrugged and walked away. This was a stupid idea to begin with. He didn’t owe them anything.

Lupin and Potter both looked disappointed when the scrawny Slytherin did not turn up at the start of the next gathering. When half an hour passed, the door creaked open and Severus walked in, accompanied by Millicent Bulstrode. She glared at the assembled students defiantly. “I don’t want to be a Death Eater,” she declared, crossing her arms in front of her ample chest.

“Welcome, Miss Bulstrode,” Lupin beamed. Severus started off working with her exclusively, but once she seemed a bit more comfortable, he branched out. Most of his comments were curt, but he made an effort to temper his sharp tongue, and his suggestions did help the students improve. The last few minutes of the class had Snape and Potter engage in a face-off; it was not as violent as the one that he and Lupin had engaged in, but both seemed winded at the end. Snape had beat Potter by a slim margin, but Harry never made the same mistake twice.

The two moved around each other in the following days with the utmost caution, eyeing each other suspiciously. At the end of their third gathering, Harry said, “Snape, show me how you cast the Reductor curse.” Eyeing the Gryffindor warily, Severus brandished his wand and cried “Reducto!”

“There,” said Harry, gesturing to the boy’s legs, which had stayed together. The force of the spell had again put him slightly off balance. “Try taking a small step forward to brace yourself before casting the curse, and you’ll be prepared for the backlash.” Snape tried the curse a second time, and Potter’s advice proved true. Damn him. He sulked for the rest of the meeting.

Harry looked a bit nonplussed by Snape’s displeasure but soon brushed it off. The students had split into pairs and he was determinedly trying to keep them from maiming each other. He was ready to drop by the end of the session and didn’t even realize that he and Snape were the only ones left in the room. “Potter,” the other boy said abruptly. Harry jumped and whirled around as if expecting an attack. “Are you still experiencing difficulties with Occlumency?”

“Yeah,” he confessed, rubbing his scar ruefully. “I don’t think Snape really tried to teach me, to be honest. He just yelled at me and poked around inside my head. Think the prat actually enjoyed it.” He then realized who he was talking to and shot the Slytherin an apologetic look.

Snape gave him a disgusted look in return. “The best way to teach Occlumency is to force the mind to display its natural defenses. The normal response to an intruder is to push it away. Apparently your mind is more naturally open so the usual methods do not apply.” He tapped his wand against his thigh while staring at the far wall. “Perhaps this method will work for you. You like Hogwarts castle, do you not?”

“I feel like it’s my home,” he confessed.

“Then picture Hogwarts in your mind. You are just inside the front doors. An intruder is outside. Slam the door in his face, and slide home the bolt locks. Then focus on the door seams. Make even those disappear, so that nothing but a solid stone wall remains between you and your adversary. The symbolic wall will become reality. Nothing can pass it without your wish.”

Harry blinked at him. “Just picture it? Surely it can’t be that easy!” Severus shrugged. “Why didn’t Snape tell me this before?”

“Because the space between your ears is hollow. I just explained to you that he did use the standard methods. Plus you can’t just pick up a difficult skill like Occlumency overnight. You have to practice it. If these methods are not successful, only then would an alternate approach be considered. It sounds as if you did not reach that stage with Professor Snape.”

Harry shifted uncomfortably. His lessons had been cut short after he had been caught snooping in the professor’s memories. He hadn’t been practicing Occlumency either. He wanted to blame the man for his failure that had ultimately lead to the death of his godfather, but there was really no one to blame but himself. “Thanks,” he whispered. “I’ll be sure to try it.”

Chapter Twenty

Severus had difficulty concealing his eagerness. The term had finally come to an end, and he would be heading home with Professor Snape in the morning. True, they had to spend their time in his ghastly ancestral home, but even that would be bearable with company. The summer would be filled with brewing and reading, and he very much looked forward to spending the time with his intellectual equal. Even the prospect of losing the house cup to Gryffindor, *again*, failed to faze him.

Professor Snape had seemed equally relieved at the end of term. Though spying on the Dark Lord was undeniably stressful, teaching lazy unmotivated brats was also nerve-wracking. Though he would no doubt be busy with Order and Death Eater meetings, he would also have much more time to himself, and for his young companion. The idea of company was much less odious than he had expected.

The pair met again at the end of the day, sitting together and sipping tea companionably. “We’ll have to return to Spinner’s End for the summer,” the professor declared. “I know you hate the house even more than I do, and I too despise staying there, but it has served me well of late. I will try to make our stay there as pleasant as possible. We may be able to squeeze in a few trips, when I am not needed by the Order or the Death Eaters.” He passed the young man an envelope. Severus withdrew two tickets. “We’re going to the International Potions Symposium?!”

The professor nodded, allowing the ghost of a smile to cross his lips. “It’s in Strasbourg this year.” He had always yearned to attend a symposium when he was younger, but only Masters or those invited by a Master could attend. He had not been able to attend himself until he had gained his Mastership, but he was now in a position to benefit his younger self.

“Oh, thank you, sir! Thank you!” Severus leapt from his seat, enveloping the older man in an eager hug. Before he realized what he was doing, his lips had parted of their own accord and firmly pressed against those of his professor.

Professor Snape became absolutely still. He did not seem to even breathe. Abruptly aware of what he had just done, Severus wrenched himself away. “Sorry!” he choked, staggering backwards. “I should never have - oh *God*! Sorry!” He whirled around and fled as if the demons of Hell were on his heels. Once the door had slammed behind him, the professor bowed his head and closed his eyes. Now what was he supposed to do?

Chapter Twenty-One

Professor Snape entered the Headmaster’s office with trepidation. “Albus,” he said heavily. “I’m afraid I’ve got a situation with young Severus.”

“Do sit down.” Dumbledore waved him into a chair.

Snape sat down heavily. “I suppose it is my fault. I granted the boy too many liberties and allowed a familiarity to form. I treated him like a close friend or perhaps a younger brother and not like one of my students.”

“We have a more serious issue at hand regarding the young man,” Albus said gravely. He held up an envelope. “I have just received a letter from Horace. He thought it best to contact me first, since he knew that the information within would come as a blow. He has discovered that the potion that was used to bring Mister Snape into being destabilizes over time.”

Snape angrily snatched the envelope from the headmaster’s hand and impatiently whipped out the letter, almost ripping it in the process. His eyes darted as he frantically read. “Oh god,” he whispered, burying his head in his hands. “He’s only got a year. Maybe even less.”

Albus placed a hand on his shoulder. Severus could not conceal his flinch - he was unused to physical contact. It was strange how he had become accustomed to it from the boy. “Go to him, Severus. Tell him what Horace has discovered. Then be there for him. You are the most important person in his life; he will need your comfort like never before.”

Severus stared at him. Despite the devastating news, he was certain that he could see a faint twinkle in the old man’s eye. Damn him. Albus already somehow knew what had happened between them. How did he do that?! After this latest event, the professor had thought to put as much distance between himself and the boy, but Dumbledore wanted them to become even closer. Was the Headmaster somehow condoning a possible relationship?

A few hours later, he caught himself pacing the floor of his quarters. He had sent a stray First Year Slytherin to fetch young Severus. Part of him wanted to delay indefinitely, but his pragmatic side knew that the boy needed to know.

There was a hesitant knock on his door. Snape arched an eyebrow as he rose to open it. The boy had become to regard these quarters as his own. The knock was a manifestation of the awkwardness between them.

Severus entered, his jaw set with determination. Although their relationship had become strained, he refused to show embarrassment. He would continue on as if nothing had happened. He faltered at the blank expression on the professor’s face. The man was very worried about something and was trying to hide it. “Sir?” he asked hesitantly. Did this mean that Professor Snape was cutting him loose? Would he have to fend for himself? The thought frightened him much more than it should have. He ruthlessly squashed it.

The professor held up a crumpled letter, and Severus felt a dizzying rush of relief. This wasn’t about the ill-advised kiss after all. “Sit down,” he murmured. “I have some news from Professor Slughorn.” The young man sat and eyed him warily. Professor Snape took a deep, bracing breath. “Our worst fears have borne fruit. The potion that was used to create you is not permanent. Over time, its key ingredients will destabilize. There is a lot about your creation that we don’t know, but his research indicates that when the degradation reaches an advanced state, you will not survive.”

Severus swallowed hard. “I’m dying?”

Severus nodded solemnly. “Yes.” A pause. “I’m sorry.” To the casual observer, the remark would have seemed a careless afterthought. Both knew that it was the man’s awkward way of trying to humanize his response and soften the blow.

“No.”

“What?” The professor was taken aback.

“No,” the young man repeated, his jaw set in defiance. “I refuse to accept this. I won’t! My life has been turned upside down. Everything was coming along just fine until I appeared here. Since then I’ve had to adjust to having *myself* as Head of House, attending school with children of my former classmates, blamed for actions and decisions that aren’t mine, spying on my fellow House-mates, and now I won’t even live to graduate!” He whirled to leave, but a strong hand fell on his shoulder. “Severus,” a soft voice whispered, and his anger abruptly vanished, leaving an aching void in its place. To his absolute horror, tears sprung to his eyes. He ducked his head so that his greasy hair concealed his face as he frantically blinked. He would not give in.

He found himself folded in an awkward embrace, his nose mashed against the scratchy fabric of the professor’s waistcoat. Severus kept his posture stiff and he held his breath, trying to suppress any sign of weakness. Despite himself, a sob escaped. “It’s me,” the man whispered softly. “You don’t have to hide your feelings with me.” His chest soon became damp with the young man’s frustrated tears, as he tried to cry as quietly and unobtrusively as possible. Severus was embarrassed to break down in front of his Head of House. Yet seeing as the positions had been reversed awhile back, it made him feel somewhat better, in a somewhat perverse way.

Once his tears had spent themselves, Snape tucked the boy’s hair behind one ear and tipped his chin back. The young man hiccupped slightly, his dark eyes shimmering damply. He looked startled at the older man’s direct stare. The atmosphere between them abruptly felt charged. The professor had gone from being protective and caring (as much as he was able)… to what exactly, he wasn’t sure. Something more intense and intimate.

Severus shuddered as Snape seemed to stare into his soul. He suspected the use of Legilimancy, but it was as if the man was sampling his emotional state. “Is this truly what you want?” Snape murmured, his voice soft and dreamlike. “Please consider your answer carefully. Everything between us will change, for better or worse. If this was just a passing fancy, just say so and I will never mention it again.”

The young man chewed at his upper lip uncertainly. He *did* feel an attraction to the older man. He had acted on impulse and had had plenty of time since to repent. His self-recrimination had been due to a perceived lack of self-control and that he had likely repelled the one person who was genuinely helping him. Never in a million years did he believe in the possibility of a relationship. He was dying anyway, and the awareness of his fragile mortality spurred him on. Why should he not give in to his baser desires of his body and the growing ache in his soul? Right or wrong, he wanted his dour professor. Wanted his body and mind and affections. “Yes,” he said firmly, caressing the man’s chin. His special depilatory potion had done its job, for the skin was smooth and enticing. “I want this. I want *you*. And I came of age back in January, so I’m no longer jailbait.”

“I don’t want you to misunderstand me. I do not find students attractive. There are some lecherous men whose heads are turned by nubile young men and woman just on the cusp of adulthood. Frankly, after interrupting countless trysts and being surrounded by hormones in overdrive year after year, the concept nauseates me. I prefer to bed lovers my age or older, since they are experienced enough to satisfy me. I find the concept of breaking in a virgin to be wearisome. But for you, my normal predilections have been turned on their ear. I would like to see where this strange relationship takes us.”

“It *is* strange,” Severus confessed. “I know we’ll have to keep things secret, since no one else would understand, Dumbledore notwithstanding. I feel closer to you than anyone else, and I really do want to have sex,” he blushed and cut his eyes to stare at the floor, though Snape’s chuckle warmed his heart, “but, um, this wouldn’t be like incest, would it?”

The professor bit back a smile. “The same thought occurred to me. I prefer to think of it as masturbation with benefits.”

Severus winked at him. “I look forward to being the recipient of those benefits.” His heart pounding, he leaned forward and brushed his lips against the older man’s. After a long moment, Snape responded in kind. The kiss was awkward at first -- Severus was unpracticed, and their noses collided several times as they searched for a workable angle. All at once, things seemed to click. Severus whimpered as the elder Snape increased the pressure, and he responded eagerly. The tip of his tongue cautiously probed the youth’s mouth, and Severus caressed it welcomingly with his own. He boldly pressed closer, and Snape’s hand dropped to his lower back, keeping him in place. An odd thrill squiggled through his belly as he felt a hard mass pressing against his thigh, a mirror to the hot brand between his own legs.

An embarrassing mewl of protest was torn from his lips as Snape reluctantly parted their bodies. “As unlikely as it may seem, I do still have some scruples. It would be best until we return to Spinner’s End to consummate our relationship. As you said yourself, others will not understand.”

Severus scowled. “I agree with the need for secrecy, but I cannot bear for my first time to be in that hovel. Could it be in your quarters here, please? It’s the closest place to home I’ve found so far.”

“Very well,” Snape said softly, running his thumb over the young man’s lips affectionately. “Once the castle has been emptied of students and staff, then we will have time for ourselves. But until then, we must maintain distance.”

“Oh, Severus,” the man purred just as his lover-to-be placed his hand on the knob. “I always viewed going out on a date without first relieving the pressure as akin to going out with an improperly stored erumpent horn. Please take the edge off accordingly before coming to me tonight.”

Severus blushed to the roots of his hair as he quickly darted out the door.

Continue to chapters 22-23