Cutting
I had an honest motivation for writing in my journal at 6 am, and later in the day at about 5 and 9 and then it's as if fate didn't want me to update by thrusting confusion and ultimatums in my face.
Unexpected phone calls can make or break my day.
Today I had two.
The first was from my friend, who has got to be one of the most unique people I have ever encountered and it's so good to have him in my life, there's never a dull moment. He calls me Passive Aggressive or PA, and is an extremist liberal with Slaughter-House 5 tendencies. Like myself he's a writer, an avid reader of the Rolling Stone, and loves obscure films. Essentially he's a play-write..
I can't finish my original thought right now.
As you may have gathered I have a short attention span lately.
I am so thankful for espresso shots.
I have never been in more pain than I am emotionally right now.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."-Moulin Rouge
It's sickening the way sudden torrents of emotion can overcome you and every other thought is tossed aside in an effort to have the mental capacity to contain the struggle to laugh and cry, to hit your head on the wall or to float into oblivion like Ophelia.
Yes...indeed, it's difficult to be best friends with someone you once loved but never had.
Because you want nothing more but for them to be blissfully happy even though it kills you. So you help them, you listen to them talk about how in love they are, how they have everything they've ever wanted. And despite the torture, like heroin, or some sort of deadly addictive drug you want so bad to quit because you see it's destroying you but you can't because you are so helplessly devoted to them, they are essential to your life and functionability.
I probably sound like every girl out there but I had to vent. Because the injustice of the situation is incredible. I keep thinking why? What does she have that I don't and I hate myself for it. I loathe how he makes me feel, but I can't stop because I want it as much as I don't.
I need to move on.
I wish he knew, but the human fear of rejection permeates.
Until tomorrow I suppose.
Unexpected phone calls can make or break my day.
Today I had two.
The first was from my friend, who has got to be one of the most unique people I have ever encountered and it's so good to have him in my life, there's never a dull moment. He calls me Passive Aggressive or PA, and is an extremist liberal with Slaughter-House 5 tendencies. Like myself he's a writer, an avid reader of the Rolling Stone, and loves obscure films. Essentially he's a play-write..
I can't finish my original thought right now.
As you may have gathered I have a short attention span lately.
I am so thankful for espresso shots.
I have never been in more pain than I am emotionally right now.
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."-Moulin Rouge
It's sickening the way sudden torrents of emotion can overcome you and every other thought is tossed aside in an effort to have the mental capacity to contain the struggle to laugh and cry, to hit your head on the wall or to float into oblivion like Ophelia.
Yes...indeed, it's difficult to be best friends with someone you once loved but never had.
Because you want nothing more but for them to be blissfully happy even though it kills you. So you help them, you listen to them talk about how in love they are, how they have everything they've ever wanted. And despite the torture, like heroin, or some sort of deadly addictive drug you want so bad to quit because you see it's destroying you but you can't because you are so helplessly devoted to them, they are essential to your life and functionability.
I probably sound like every girl out there but I had to vent. Because the injustice of the situation is incredible. I keep thinking why? What does she have that I don't and I hate myself for it. I loathe how he makes me feel, but I can't stop because I want it as much as I don't.
I need to move on.
I wish he knew, but the human fear of rejection permeates.
Until tomorrow I suppose.