Losing Yourself
Do you ever start reminiscing about the past too much?
I do it too often. I miss so many things about the way my life used to be. I'm so unstable. I can't figure out what it is that I need to be happy. I've had friends and boyfriends...and nothing seems to make me any happier. I'll be happy for a while...and then out of nowhere..BAM! I'm depressed again. Maybe I should go see a doctor about my imbalance.
I need to grow up.
What am I doing with my life? I'm working an hourly retail job and barely making it. What the fuck was I thinking getting out on my own again? I could have saved money...I could have finished school...I don't know where I'm going anymore. I have this insane delusion that once I move to California my life will be better. Yeah right. That's probably just going to overwhelm me even more. It's what I've wanted ever since I left though...I love living in California. I can afford it...and the schools I want to go to are there. There are a lot more opportunities in California for me than there are here. There's nothing here for me anymore.
My boyfriend is leaving me to live with his band in Hollywood. That's a comforting thought. Even if I move up there...I don't know how close we'll live to eachother. He says he wants to be with me still...but I wonder sometimes. I know I over analyze things....but it feels like there's something he doesn't want to say out loud. Maybe I should just end it now before I get even more attached. I don't know. I want to be with him...but I guess I should be focusing more on my future than a boy. I mean...what's a boy compared to what I could do with my life? I know he's amazing...and I actually love him...but maybe it will be better if I focus on getting my life together. I won't see another boy. I just need to be single I guess so I can focus more.
By the way...I don't want advice. I won't listen anyways. I never do.
I want to look my age. I hate the fact that I look 16 and I'm 19. I need to change my style or something. Who knows. I did get my hair back to blonde. I guess I'll grow it out more and see what happens. I need to just...fucking grow up. I hate myself sometimes. I wish I didn't. I try not to. That's what gets in the way of me doing what I want. I don't think I deserve to do well and be happy. I'm going to fix things.
My life will get better. I know it will.
I do it too often. I miss so many things about the way my life used to be. I'm so unstable. I can't figure out what it is that I need to be happy. I've had friends and boyfriends...and nothing seems to make me any happier. I'll be happy for a while...and then out of nowhere..BAM! I'm depressed again. Maybe I should go see a doctor about my imbalance.
I need to grow up.
What am I doing with my life? I'm working an hourly retail job and barely making it. What the fuck was I thinking getting out on my own again? I could have saved money...I could have finished school...I don't know where I'm going anymore. I have this insane delusion that once I move to California my life will be better. Yeah right. That's probably just going to overwhelm me even more. It's what I've wanted ever since I left though...I love living in California. I can afford it...and the schools I want to go to are there. There are a lot more opportunities in California for me than there are here. There's nothing here for me anymore.
My boyfriend is leaving me to live with his band in Hollywood. That's a comforting thought. Even if I move up there...I don't know how close we'll live to eachother. He says he wants to be with me still...but I wonder sometimes. I know I over analyze things....but it feels like there's something he doesn't want to say out loud. Maybe I should just end it now before I get even more attached. I don't know. I want to be with him...but I guess I should be focusing more on my future than a boy. I mean...what's a boy compared to what I could do with my life? I know he's amazing...and I actually love him...but maybe it will be better if I focus on getting my life together. I won't see another boy. I just need to be single I guess so I can focus more.
By the way...I don't want advice. I won't listen anyways. I never do.
I want to look my age. I hate the fact that I look 16 and I'm 19. I need to change my style or something. Who knows. I did get my hair back to blonde. I guess I'll grow it out more and see what happens. I need to just...fucking grow up. I hate myself sometimes. I wish I didn't. I try not to. That's what gets in the way of me doing what I want. I don't think I deserve to do well and be happy. I'm going to fix things.
My life will get better. I know it will.