[Fic] My Existence -ReitaxRuki - Oneshot
Title: My Existence
Chapters: Oneshot
Author:
dj_replay
Genre: Angst/drama, romance?
Warnings: OOC-ness
Rating: NC-17
Pairings/Characters: ReitaxRuki
Disclaimer: As much as I want to own them (bwhaha I will some day), I do not and none of this actually happened.
Synopsis: He's been there all along and now he hopes that the other man can realize it.
Comments: OK! Read this please<3 So here's the sequel to Lies.
“Wait…my mother isn’t in the city.” Ruki scratched his head wondering why Reita lied. He took out his phone, but decided it was best to ask him in person. So Ruki headed over to Reita’s to see what’s up.
When he arrived, Ruki saw the door was open. He went inside and saw that Reita was sitting on the couch. “Hey…I thought you’d come over. Wanna sit?” Reita scooted over and Ruki sat down besides him. “I know you’re here because of your mom, but-“
“Did my mom suddenly come without telling me and got hurt?!” Ruki forgot that it was a possibility.
Reita turned to face Ruki, not knowing how to tell Ruki. “No, no, she’s fine. It’s not about your mother.”
Ruki gave Reita a confused look. “Oh. So what is it?”
“I want to tell you something about you…and Uruha.” Reita went on explaining the whole story to Ruki. He shifted his eyes a bit trying to avoid Ruki’s eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “You see Aoi and Uruha are best friends. There’s more to their friendship though. I’m sure you noticed…That day when Uruha asked you to dinner, he had an argument with Aoi. So out of anger, he asked you out to piss off Aoi. Who would have known that Aoi didn’t do anything? I was by his side the whole time during your relationship with Uruha. He thought that you and Uruha were happy together so he decided to take the pain. He would drink all the time and have me pick him up. Then he’d tell me how much he loves Uruha. It was painful to see. I know you felt that Uruha didn’t give his 100% to you. That’s because Uruha loves Aoi…not you Ruki.” Reita stopped to see if Ruki would give a reaction. A melancholic expression covered Ruki’s face, but no words. Reita continued. “Uruha didn’t leave you though. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings. He didn’t mind your company either. But you know Ruki, when you’re not with your loved one, no matter how happy, how satisfied you think you are, the truth is, you’re not.” Reita stopped because he finally noticed Ruki crying. Reita bit his lower lip out of regret.
Ruki had his head down, not wanting to show his weaker side to the bassist. There was a moment of silence in the room before Ruki would speak. “Then why did you call me and make me come over here. Just to tell me this? Do you want me to break up with Uruha so he can be with Aoi?” Ruki shouted in bitterness. It’s not fair.
“I couldn’t stand it anymore Ruki. If they keep lying to each other, it’ll cause more pain!” Reita yelled. He calmed his voice, seeing Ruki wincing at his loudness. “I called you over here so that Uruha can go to Blue Lagoon to pick up Aoi. What they do there is up to them.” He sighed. “Hopefully they can work things out.”
Ruki cried harder. He uncontrollably threw himself into Reita and buried his face into his chest. He clutched Reita’s jacket. “Why…why do you have to be so selfish, Rei? I hate you, hate you! You could have just left me and Uruha. So what if he’s not in love with me? Huh? I don’t mind. Really, I don’t! I’ll be happy as along as he’s with me.” The tears wouldn’t stop streaming out.
Reita wrapped his arms around Ruki and brought him closer. “I’m sorry Ru. Face it. He just doesn’t love you. Call me selfish and be mad at me too. But please….just please don‘t hate me.” Ruki’s clutch softened into a hug.
“Do you love Aoi just like how I love Uruha? Is that why you let him go? Because you love him? Does that mean if you love someone, you should be happy for them no matter who they’re with?”
Reita stroked Ruki’s hair and shook his head. “No…I don’t love Aoi.” No Ruki…I love you just like how you love Uruha. That’s why I let you go, because yes…if you love someone, you just want them to be happy. Reita wanted to tell Ruki how he felt, but it wasn’t the right time.
“Oh…” Shortly Ruki’s weeping filled the room. Neither of the two gloomy men spoke. Soon Ruki cried himself to sleep in Reita’s arms.
The owner of Blue Lagoon stood behind the bar staring at the familiar man. Now it was Ruki’s turn to be glued to Blue Lagoon. She wondered why the GazettE members were taking turns to frequent the bar. First it was Aoi, now Ruki. She was surprised that Uruha hasn’t made himself at home in this bar.
Ruki’s trips to the bar were different from Aoi. When Aoi was drinking at Blue Lagoon, Reita knew and always came to pick him up. He would pay for him too even though the owner refused to take the money. No one knew Ruki was drinking every night. When he was done with drinking, he would leave a bunch of money and wander out the bar. Sometimes he would pay too much, sometimes too little. It was no big deal.
During practice, Kai would worry about Ruki. He asked Ruki what he was doing; Ruki looked like a dead man walking. Ruki didn’t say much, but assured Kai that he was just staying up to write lyrics. Yeah…sure.
Ruki must have had enough alcohol because he passed out on the bar table. He kept on thinking about what happened about a week or so ago…
“Ruki…I see you just as my friend. I…I just don’t love you. I tried! Really, I did. You have to believe me on that. But you can’t force love. It’s a natural thing. And I can’t let you wait for me forever. That would be mean of me.” Ruki had his head down. He didn’t want to stare at Uruha or look at his eyes. Because he knows that if he does, he’ll start to cry.
“I can’t erase you out of my heart just like that…”
“Time, Ru. Love takes time to heal. I’m sorry I wasn’t the one for you. There are better guys out there. When you find him, you’ll realize that you don’t really need me. I hope you can understand…”
Ruki nodded. “It’s ok, you don’t have to say anymore.” Ruki slowly looked up at the taller man and forced a smile at him. “I understand. As long as you’re happy right?” He sniffled, trying to hold back tears. “That’s good enough for me. Plus you guys are my good friends.” Ruki always had Uruha’s body, but not his heart. What was the point of that? He didn’t want to let Uruha go, but what else can he do? Nothing, he loves Aoi.
“Thank you Ru, you’re really a great guy.” Uruha pulled Ruki in for a hug and squeezed him tight. “I’m really sorry Ruki...”
“Ruki…Ruki…Ruki-san…” The owner tried to poke Ruki awake. “The bar’s closing…” Ruki let out a sigh. “Do you need help home?” Ruki’s eyes fluttered open. He gave her a nod and slowly got up with her help. Ruki had one arm around her to keep balance.
They got outside and the owner leaned Ruki against her car. “Thanks,” he breathlessly muttered.
She smiled. “No prob.” She quickly took her keys out and opened the door for Ruki. She eased him in the backseat and then chuckled to herself. “You know Ruki, this usually is a guy’s job.” Ruki laughed. The owner got in the car and drove off.
“Ruki?” Reita rang the doorbell for the millionth time. “Ugh! Ruki?! Are you home? I left my keys at your place!” He banged on the door and the door flew open. “He forgot to lock the door? Wow….that’s so not like him.” He stepped in the apartment and the sight shocked him. “The hell?!” Dirty clothes were everywhere. Dishes piled up in the sink. Paper and books all over. Heavy smell of smoke and alcohol. It was a complete mess. Reita looked around, there was no sign of Ruki at home. He took another moment to stare at the chaos in bewilderment. Finally he decided to help Ruki clean up his apartment.
Reita opened up the windows to let some fresh air in. He sprayed Febreeze to get rid of the stinky odor. He washed Ruki clothes, which was three whole loads of dirty pants, shirts, socks, and underwear. He picked up the scattered papers and books and put them back where they belong. He cleaned the dishes then neatly stacked them up in the cabinet. He even mopped the floor and took out the trash for Ruki. After he was done, Ruki’s home was spotless.
Reita stretched and fell back on the couch letting out a yawn. Feeling proud of himself, he started grinning. “I’m good.” After resting on the couch admiring his work, he remembered what he came here for. “Now…where are my keys?” Reita got up and went to Ruki’s bedroom. His keys were by the nightstand. He sighed in relief. “There you are baby! I can get home and get some sleep.” As he walked in, he learned the door open and close. “Ruki? Are you home?” No answer. Reita turned around to grab his keys.
But when he turned back around, Ruki flung himself at Reita which cause both of them to lose balance. Eventually they ended up on Ruki’s bed. “Um…Ruki?” Reita tried to push Ruki off, but Ruki let out a loud whine and held on tight to Reita. Ruki mumbled some gibberish and drifted off to sleep. Reita blinked a few times before grasping the idea that Ruki is drunk. He has been drinking the whole time! That’s why his house is all cluttered. “You got to be kidding me….you’re drunk and at your weakest state. On top of me, breathing on me with your shirt half open…” Reita nervously laughed. “Ruki, this isn’t a funny joke. I am a healthy man you know…” But it was no joke. And Ruki didn’t plan on giving a reply.
Reita groaned and flipped Ruki over. He cupped Ruki’s smooth cheeks and was caught in awe of how beautiful Ruki is. His other free hand trailed over Ruki’s stomach which caused Ruki to let out moan. He started to unbutton Ruki’s shirt, but stopped half way. “This isn’t right. I shouldn’t….” Reita shook his head. He got up and tucked Ruki in. He was about to leave, but something was lingering in his heart. He walked over to Ruki and lied down next to him. “Even though you’re not awake, let me be besides you tonight…” He grabbed Ruki’s hand and fell asleep.
The morning light swept across Ruki’s eyes. He winced at the brightness and slowly opened his eyes. He found a sleeping man next to him. “Uruha?” The sleeping man didn’t answer. “Uruha…” He snuggled closer and fell asleep again.
Reita turned around to face Ruki. “I’m Reita…not Uruha.” He stroked Ruki’s face. “If only you can see me in a different light…then maybe you can understand that I’ve been here all along….”
When Ruki woke up again, Reita was gone. The first thing Ruki noticed was his newly cleaned apartment. He took a stroll around the apartment which made him realize that all the drinking was bad for him: his house looks way better in this condition. He went to the kitchen and saw that the table was full of food. Besides it was a note from Reita.
Hey Ruki, when you read this, I’ll probably be home.
I got food for you. I didn’t know what you wanted to eat so I bought a bunch.
You were drunk last night, so take the aspirin I put out for you.
Wanna have dinner together? Call me. -Reita
Suddenly Ruki felt guilty, but he didn’t know why. All he knew was that he called out Uruha, while it was actually Reita in his bed. He went back to his room to text Reita that dinner would be on him and told Reita to choose the place.
The place was Crimson. Ruki would randomly stare at Reita and reminisce his times with Uruha. After recognizing Reita wasn’t Uruha, he would sigh and it would worry Reita. They were quiet throughout dinner, but Reita broke the ice. “You should stop drinking Ru…”
“Yeah? I know…I can’t help it.”
Reita stared at Ruki, using his eyes to capture what’s not his. “Do you still love him?”
“What? Oh…yeah…I don’t know. I guess.” Ruki looked away, feeling uneasy thinking about Uruha.
“You shouldn’t wreck yourself over this.” Ruki opened his mouth, but closed it when he didn’t have anything to say. “Hey, how about this Ru. Let’s go grab a few beers and go to our old spot. It’ll be like before when you weren’t with Uruha where you would shout and yell into the night sky. It felt good didn’t it?”
A smile crept on Ruki’s face. He gave Reita a nod and that was all Reita needed. Ruki paid for dinner and they quickly got in Reita’s car heading towards A Gray Horizon. That was what people call the hilltop which looks over the city.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Ruki panted, trying to catch his breath. Reita sat on his car watching Ruki scream his lungs out while taking sips of his beer. There was something beautiful yet heartbreaking when Ruki screamed at this place. He remembered that this spot was where Ruki would cry and ach over Uruha when he couldn’t bring himself to confess. Reita would always drive Ruki here with beer. Ruki would always drink one, leaving the rest to Reita. After Ruki finished screaming, he’d drag himself over to Reita and cry. And Reita was always there to comfort him. Sometimes Ruki would fall asleep on Reita. And when he did, Reita would always whisper an ‘I love you.’ This hasn’t changed much. Only now Ruki was paining over the lost of Uruha.
Reita stared up at the starry sky. He couldn’t help but start shouting with Ruki. It felt uplifting. Soon enough, Ruki walked over to Reita with tears streaming down his face. Reita’s heart would sting each time he saw Ruki crying. Ruki moved to sit next to Reita as he wept. “Why, Reita? Why can’t I forget him?” Reita didn’t know what to say and lowered his head. “It hurts Reita…do you know how I feel? Do you know how it feels when you want someone that you can’t have?”
“Yeah Ruki…I do. It hurts the most here.” Reita pointed to his heart and glanced at Ruki.
Ruki gasped for air as more tears fell out. “Make it stop,” he whined. “Make it stop Reita.”
Reita wanted to push his lips onto Ruki, but he stopped himself. That would have been a selfish thing to do. He lifted his arm and slowly pulled Ruki in. Ruki huddled in Reita’s arms as he cried into Reita’s shoulder. Reita patted Ruki’s back. Tell me how Ruki. Whatever it is, I’ll do it for you.
Ruki’s crying lessened to steady breathing and a few sniffs. Neither of the two moved though it was freezing outside. When Reita thought Ruki fell asleep, he nuzzled Ruki’s head and held him tighter trying to capture his body heat. He breathed into the night air. “I love you Ruki. Maybe one day I can finally tell you when you’re not asleep.” Reita didn’t know that Ruki was wide awake.
When Reita pulled Ruki off of him, Ruki quickly pretended to be asleep. Reita carried Ruki into the car and drove him home.
The next day at practice, Reita didn’t come. Not the next, and the next and the next. Reita didn’t come to practice for the whole week. Kai couldn’t contact him, Ruki couldn’t either. He didn’t call anybody. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. It didn’t feel right, at least not for Ruki. The other guys just shrugged it off as Reita playing hooky. Something felt awkward for Ruki when he wasn’t around. The atmosphere was different. Ruki’s heart felt empty.
After Saturday’s practice, Ruki went home. It was still early in the afternoon so he decided to go home and watch some TV. He started to watch a comedy show to lighten up his mood. “Haha! Hey Rei! Did you see that?” He pointed at the TV and started giggling. But then he quickly stopped laughing. Ruki slowly dropped down his arm and frowned when he realized that Reita wasn’t next to him as usual. “Oh right…you’re not here.” Ruki traced his fingers over the part of the couch where Reita normally would be sitting. He got up, turned off the TV, grabbed his keys, and sped out the door.
Ruki drove to Reita’s place to see what was going on with him. Playing hooky for a day or two was normal, but not a week. When he got inside, he examined the place. It wasn’t messy, so Reita wasn’t drinking. But when Ruki entered the bedroom, he found medicine bottles all over the nightstand. He picked up a few and saw that they were all cold and fever medicine. If Reita, has a fever, where is he now? Why didn’t he call me? I can take care of him…
Ruki called Reita’s phone about a few hundred times, leaving countless messages. He looked everywhere: Blue Lagoon, Crimson, park, Café Sienna, his favorite sushi restaurant, record stores, and clothing stores. Ruki was tired. It was about 9 and he has been running around the city looking for one man. Still, Ruki didn’t feel right without knowing where Reita is. He decided to grab a few beers and drive up to A Gray Horizon.
Ruki felt awkward going up there alone. But when he arrived, he noticed that there was another car parked, Reita’s car in particular. Ruki grinned and sighed in relief. He decided to scare Reita to get him for making him look for the sick bassist. He cleverly slipped out of his car without making any noise. But he froze when he heard something that startled him.
“RUKI!!!!!!!” Reita let out a loud wail. Ruki panicked. Does Reita have eyes behind his head? “Ruki…Ruki…” Reita trailed off. Ruki could tell that he was crying. Empty beer bottles were rolling on the ground, they were Reita’s. “Ruki…why can’t you understand that I’ve been by your side all along?” Ruki was planted to the ground, he wanted to stop Reita from saying anymore, but his body didn’t seem to want to move. All he can see is Reita’s backside. “Every time, it’s Uruha this, Uruha that. Nevertheless I listen. Did you know I’m in pain too? And you call me selfish while you go and cut my heart into pieces.” Reita smirked. He dropped his head down.
“But it’s ok. The game we call love doesn’t have rules. So I’ll admit that I lost to Uruha.” Reita stayed silent for a while. He couldn’t control his tears. He would never want anybody to see him like this, not this weak. “If I evaporate into thin air, would you miss me? Or would you not take note that I’m not around anymore?” Reita wiped away his tears. “I….” he gasped for air, “I exist.” He coughed, choking on his tears. “My existence only persists because of you. And…and again, I love you.” Reita raised his beer up into the night sky and took a gulp.
Ruki quietly stepped behind Reita. Now he was in tears too. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stop loving him.” Reita’s beer bottle dropped to the ground
---------------------------------Alternate Ending---------------------------------
Reita wiped away his tears. “I….” he gasped for air, “I exist.” He coughed, choking on his tears. “My existence only persists because of you. And…and again, I love you.” Reita raised his beer up into the night sky and took a gulp.
Ruki went home. He didn’t know how to face Reita. His feelings were all mixed up. What do I feel for Reita? Love? No, no. I love Uruha…right? Yes…I do. He left a message asking Reita to meet at Café Sienna.
Reita pushed open the door to the quiet café. Ruki was already sitting down with a drink half empty since he arrived 30 minutes early. When Reita saw Ruki, he waved and sat across from him. Right after Reita sat down, a waitress came along and asked the man what he wanted to drink. Reita told her his usual: coffee with milk, no sugar. The waitress smiled at both men and quickly went away to get Reita’s coffee.
“So…why did you want to meet up? Especially here.” He gave a chuckle though he could hardly project it due to last night’s screaming.
Ruki looked down at his ice tea, twirling the straw in the dark liquid. The sound of the ice clanking against the glass seemed so loud in the mist of their silence. “I heard you last night.”
Reita tilted his head in confusion. When he realized what Ruki was talking about, he opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the waitress. “Sorry, here’s your coffee.” She bowed, sorry for disturbing the two and left.
Reita’s eyes averted back to Ruki. “I’m sorry you had to hear it from me that way. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you how I felt. You know…you have enough on your mind.” He sighed, looking down at his black coffee. “So yeah…I…..love you. I love you Ruki. All this time, before him, during him, and now, after him.” Reita started to fidget with his sugar packets.
“Rei, you know I care about you. You know you’re important in my life. But I,” Ruki bit his lip, “I don’t, no. I can’t love you.” Ruki glanced up at Reita who was looking out the window.
“It’s snowing.” All the people on the streets stopped to look up at the sky. “My heart’s snowing too…” Ruki was staring at Reita while Reita admired the snowflakes falling down. All this time, he’s been by my side. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be such a wreck right now. Reita…
“Reita, I’m sorry.” Reita slowly turned his head to face Ruki. He gave him a warm smile.
“You shouldn’t apologize. I do it because I love you.” It was as if Reita could read Ruki’s mind.
“No, Rei. I have to apologize. You waste your time on me. I’m just so sorry I can’t love you back. He…I…you…,” Ruki struggled with his words. He was worried, worried that if he rejected Reita, Reita would leave his side. “Rei, please don’t leave me. I need you.”
“Ru, I wish you wouldn’t say that. It makes it so excruciating for me to hear you say you don’t love me, but need me.”
“I know…I just can’t lose you. But I miss him. And I still love him, so I can’t lie to you and tell you that I love you. I owe you so much. Rei, can you give me time, time for me....to lo-”
Reita placed his finger on to Ruki's lips and caressed away a stray tear on Ruki’s cheek. “As long as you don’t push me away, it’ll be alright. I can wait for you. I’ll foolishly stand by you, stay with you because it’s all worth it. And I’ll be smiling all along the way, because Ruki, you’re worth it.
Chapters: Oneshot
Author:
dj_replay
Genre: Angst/drama, romance?
Warnings: OOC-ness
Rating: NC-17
Pairings/Characters: ReitaxRuki
Disclaimer: As much as I want to own them (bwhaha I will some day), I do not and none of this actually happened.
Synopsis: He's been there all along and now he hopes that the other man can realize it.
Comments: OK! Read this please<3 So here's the sequel to Lies.
“Wait…my mother isn’t in the city.” Ruki scratched his head wondering why Reita lied. He took out his phone, but decided it was best to ask him in person. So Ruki headed over to Reita’s to see what’s up.
When he arrived, Ruki saw the door was open. He went inside and saw that Reita was sitting on the couch. “Hey…I thought you’d come over. Wanna sit?” Reita scooted over and Ruki sat down besides him. “I know you’re here because of your mom, but-“
“Did my mom suddenly come without telling me and got hurt?!” Ruki forgot that it was a possibility.
Reita turned to face Ruki, not knowing how to tell Ruki. “No, no, she’s fine. It’s not about your mother.”
Ruki gave Reita a confused look. “Oh. So what is it?”
“I want to tell you something about you…and Uruha.” Reita went on explaining the whole story to Ruki. He shifted his eyes a bit trying to avoid Ruki’s eyes and let out a heavy sigh. “You see Aoi and Uruha are best friends. There’s more to their friendship though. I’m sure you noticed…That day when Uruha asked you to dinner, he had an argument with Aoi. So out of anger, he asked you out to piss off Aoi. Who would have known that Aoi didn’t do anything? I was by his side the whole time during your relationship with Uruha. He thought that you and Uruha were happy together so he decided to take the pain. He would drink all the time and have me pick him up. Then he’d tell me how much he loves Uruha. It was painful to see. I know you felt that Uruha didn’t give his 100% to you. That’s because Uruha loves Aoi…not you Ruki.” Reita stopped to see if Ruki would give a reaction. A melancholic expression covered Ruki’s face, but no words. Reita continued. “Uruha didn’t leave you though. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings. He didn’t mind your company either. But you know Ruki, when you’re not with your loved one, no matter how happy, how satisfied you think you are, the truth is, you’re not.” Reita stopped because he finally noticed Ruki crying. Reita bit his lower lip out of regret.
Ruki had his head down, not wanting to show his weaker side to the bassist. There was a moment of silence in the room before Ruki would speak. “Then why did you call me and make me come over here. Just to tell me this? Do you want me to break up with Uruha so he can be with Aoi?” Ruki shouted in bitterness. It’s not fair.
“I couldn’t stand it anymore Ruki. If they keep lying to each other, it’ll cause more pain!” Reita yelled. He calmed his voice, seeing Ruki wincing at his loudness. “I called you over here so that Uruha can go to Blue Lagoon to pick up Aoi. What they do there is up to them.” He sighed. “Hopefully they can work things out.”
Ruki cried harder. He uncontrollably threw himself into Reita and buried his face into his chest. He clutched Reita’s jacket. “Why…why do you have to be so selfish, Rei? I hate you, hate you! You could have just left me and Uruha. So what if he’s not in love with me? Huh? I don’t mind. Really, I don’t! I’ll be happy as along as he’s with me.” The tears wouldn’t stop streaming out.
Reita wrapped his arms around Ruki and brought him closer. “I’m sorry Ru. Face it. He just doesn’t love you. Call me selfish and be mad at me too. But please….just please don‘t hate me.” Ruki’s clutch softened into a hug.
“Do you love Aoi just like how I love Uruha? Is that why you let him go? Because you love him? Does that mean if you love someone, you should be happy for them no matter who they’re with?”
Reita stroked Ruki’s hair and shook his head. “No…I don’t love Aoi.” No Ruki…I love you just like how you love Uruha. That’s why I let you go, because yes…if you love someone, you just want them to be happy. Reita wanted to tell Ruki how he felt, but it wasn’t the right time.
“Oh…” Shortly Ruki’s weeping filled the room. Neither of the two gloomy men spoke. Soon Ruki cried himself to sleep in Reita’s arms.
The owner of Blue Lagoon stood behind the bar staring at the familiar man. Now it was Ruki’s turn to be glued to Blue Lagoon. She wondered why the GazettE members were taking turns to frequent the bar. First it was Aoi, now Ruki. She was surprised that Uruha hasn’t made himself at home in this bar.
Ruki’s trips to the bar were different from Aoi. When Aoi was drinking at Blue Lagoon, Reita knew and always came to pick him up. He would pay for him too even though the owner refused to take the money. No one knew Ruki was drinking every night. When he was done with drinking, he would leave a bunch of money and wander out the bar. Sometimes he would pay too much, sometimes too little. It was no big deal.
During practice, Kai would worry about Ruki. He asked Ruki what he was doing; Ruki looked like a dead man walking. Ruki didn’t say much, but assured Kai that he was just staying up to write lyrics. Yeah…sure.
Ruki must have had enough alcohol because he passed out on the bar table. He kept on thinking about what happened about a week or so ago…
“Ruki…I see you just as my friend. I…I just don’t love you. I tried! Really, I did. You have to believe me on that. But you can’t force love. It’s a natural thing. And I can’t let you wait for me forever. That would be mean of me.” Ruki had his head down. He didn’t want to stare at Uruha or look at his eyes. Because he knows that if he does, he’ll start to cry.
“I can’t erase you out of my heart just like that…”
“Time, Ru. Love takes time to heal. I’m sorry I wasn’t the one for you. There are better guys out there. When you find him, you’ll realize that you don’t really need me. I hope you can understand…”
Ruki nodded. “It’s ok, you don’t have to say anymore.” Ruki slowly looked up at the taller man and forced a smile at him. “I understand. As long as you’re happy right?” He sniffled, trying to hold back tears. “That’s good enough for me. Plus you guys are my good friends.” Ruki always had Uruha’s body, but not his heart. What was the point of that? He didn’t want to let Uruha go, but what else can he do? Nothing, he loves Aoi.
“Thank you Ru, you’re really a great guy.” Uruha pulled Ruki in for a hug and squeezed him tight. “I’m really sorry Ruki...”
“Ruki…Ruki…Ruki-san…” The owner tried to poke Ruki awake. “The bar’s closing…” Ruki let out a sigh. “Do you need help home?” Ruki’s eyes fluttered open. He gave her a nod and slowly got up with her help. Ruki had one arm around her to keep balance.
They got outside and the owner leaned Ruki against her car. “Thanks,” he breathlessly muttered.
She smiled. “No prob.” She quickly took her keys out and opened the door for Ruki. She eased him in the backseat and then chuckled to herself. “You know Ruki, this usually is a guy’s job.” Ruki laughed. The owner got in the car and drove off.
“Ruki?” Reita rang the doorbell for the millionth time. “Ugh! Ruki?! Are you home? I left my keys at your place!” He banged on the door and the door flew open. “He forgot to lock the door? Wow….that’s so not like him.” He stepped in the apartment and the sight shocked him. “The hell?!” Dirty clothes were everywhere. Dishes piled up in the sink. Paper and books all over. Heavy smell of smoke and alcohol. It was a complete mess. Reita looked around, there was no sign of Ruki at home. He took another moment to stare at the chaos in bewilderment. Finally he decided to help Ruki clean up his apartment.
Reita opened up the windows to let some fresh air in. He sprayed Febreeze to get rid of the stinky odor. He washed Ruki clothes, which was three whole loads of dirty pants, shirts, socks, and underwear. He picked up the scattered papers and books and put them back where they belong. He cleaned the dishes then neatly stacked them up in the cabinet. He even mopped the floor and took out the trash for Ruki. After he was done, Ruki’s home was spotless.
Reita stretched and fell back on the couch letting out a yawn. Feeling proud of himself, he started grinning. “I’m good.” After resting on the couch admiring his work, he remembered what he came here for. “Now…where are my keys?” Reita got up and went to Ruki’s bedroom. His keys were by the nightstand. He sighed in relief. “There you are baby! I can get home and get some sleep.” As he walked in, he learned the door open and close. “Ruki? Are you home?” No answer. Reita turned around to grab his keys.
But when he turned back around, Ruki flung himself at Reita which cause both of them to lose balance. Eventually they ended up on Ruki’s bed. “Um…Ruki?” Reita tried to push Ruki off, but Ruki let out a loud whine and held on tight to Reita. Ruki mumbled some gibberish and drifted off to sleep. Reita blinked a few times before grasping the idea that Ruki is drunk. He has been drinking the whole time! That’s why his house is all cluttered. “You got to be kidding me….you’re drunk and at your weakest state. On top of me, breathing on me with your shirt half open…” Reita nervously laughed. “Ruki, this isn’t a funny joke. I am a healthy man you know…” But it was no joke. And Ruki didn’t plan on giving a reply.
Reita groaned and flipped Ruki over. He cupped Ruki’s smooth cheeks and was caught in awe of how beautiful Ruki is. His other free hand trailed over Ruki’s stomach which caused Ruki to let out moan. He started to unbutton Ruki’s shirt, but stopped half way. “This isn’t right. I shouldn’t….” Reita shook his head. He got up and tucked Ruki in. He was about to leave, but something was lingering in his heart. He walked over to Ruki and lied down next to him. “Even though you’re not awake, let me be besides you tonight…” He grabbed Ruki’s hand and fell asleep.
The morning light swept across Ruki’s eyes. He winced at the brightness and slowly opened his eyes. He found a sleeping man next to him. “Uruha?” The sleeping man didn’t answer. “Uruha…” He snuggled closer and fell asleep again.
Reita turned around to face Ruki. “I’m Reita…not Uruha.” He stroked Ruki’s face. “If only you can see me in a different light…then maybe you can understand that I’ve been here all along….”
When Ruki woke up again, Reita was gone. The first thing Ruki noticed was his newly cleaned apartment. He took a stroll around the apartment which made him realize that all the drinking was bad for him: his house looks way better in this condition. He went to the kitchen and saw that the table was full of food. Besides it was a note from Reita.
Hey Ruki, when you read this, I’ll probably be home.
I got food for you. I didn’t know what you wanted to eat so I bought a bunch.
You were drunk last night, so take the aspirin I put out for you.
Wanna have dinner together? Call me. -Reita
Suddenly Ruki felt guilty, but he didn’t know why. All he knew was that he called out Uruha, while it was actually Reita in his bed. He went back to his room to text Reita that dinner would be on him and told Reita to choose the place.
The place was Crimson. Ruki would randomly stare at Reita and reminisce his times with Uruha. After recognizing Reita wasn’t Uruha, he would sigh and it would worry Reita. They were quiet throughout dinner, but Reita broke the ice. “You should stop drinking Ru…”
“Yeah? I know…I can’t help it.”
Reita stared at Ruki, using his eyes to capture what’s not his. “Do you still love him?”
“What? Oh…yeah…I don’t know. I guess.” Ruki looked away, feeling uneasy thinking about Uruha.
“You shouldn’t wreck yourself over this.” Ruki opened his mouth, but closed it when he didn’t have anything to say. “Hey, how about this Ru. Let’s go grab a few beers and go to our old spot. It’ll be like before when you weren’t with Uruha where you would shout and yell into the night sky. It felt good didn’t it?”
A smile crept on Ruki’s face. He gave Reita a nod and that was all Reita needed. Ruki paid for dinner and they quickly got in Reita’s car heading towards A Gray Horizon. That was what people call the hilltop which looks over the city.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” Ruki panted, trying to catch his breath. Reita sat on his car watching Ruki scream his lungs out while taking sips of his beer. There was something beautiful yet heartbreaking when Ruki screamed at this place. He remembered that this spot was where Ruki would cry and ach over Uruha when he couldn’t bring himself to confess. Reita would always drive Ruki here with beer. Ruki would always drink one, leaving the rest to Reita. After Ruki finished screaming, he’d drag himself over to Reita and cry. And Reita was always there to comfort him. Sometimes Ruki would fall asleep on Reita. And when he did, Reita would always whisper an ‘I love you.’ This hasn’t changed much. Only now Ruki was paining over the lost of Uruha.
Reita stared up at the starry sky. He couldn’t help but start shouting with Ruki. It felt uplifting. Soon enough, Ruki walked over to Reita with tears streaming down his face. Reita’s heart would sting each time he saw Ruki crying. Ruki moved to sit next to Reita as he wept. “Why, Reita? Why can’t I forget him?” Reita didn’t know what to say and lowered his head. “It hurts Reita…do you know how I feel? Do you know how it feels when you want someone that you can’t have?”
“Yeah Ruki…I do. It hurts the most here.” Reita pointed to his heart and glanced at Ruki.
Ruki gasped for air as more tears fell out. “Make it stop,” he whined. “Make it stop Reita.”
Reita wanted to push his lips onto Ruki, but he stopped himself. That would have been a selfish thing to do. He lifted his arm and slowly pulled Ruki in. Ruki huddled in Reita’s arms as he cried into Reita’s shoulder. Reita patted Ruki’s back. Tell me how Ruki. Whatever it is, I’ll do it for you.
Ruki’s crying lessened to steady breathing and a few sniffs. Neither of the two moved though it was freezing outside. When Reita thought Ruki fell asleep, he nuzzled Ruki’s head and held him tighter trying to capture his body heat. He breathed into the night air. “I love you Ruki. Maybe one day I can finally tell you when you’re not asleep.” Reita didn’t know that Ruki was wide awake.
When Reita pulled Ruki off of him, Ruki quickly pretended to be asleep. Reita carried Ruki into the car and drove him home.
The next day at practice, Reita didn’t come. Not the next, and the next and the next. Reita didn’t come to practice for the whole week. Kai couldn’t contact him, Ruki couldn’t either. He didn’t call anybody. It was like he disappeared off the face of the earth. It didn’t feel right, at least not for Ruki. The other guys just shrugged it off as Reita playing hooky. Something felt awkward for Ruki when he wasn’t around. The atmosphere was different. Ruki’s heart felt empty.
After Saturday’s practice, Ruki went home. It was still early in the afternoon so he decided to go home and watch some TV. He started to watch a comedy show to lighten up his mood. “Haha! Hey Rei! Did you see that?” He pointed at the TV and started giggling. But then he quickly stopped laughing. Ruki slowly dropped down his arm and frowned when he realized that Reita wasn’t next to him as usual. “Oh right…you’re not here.” Ruki traced his fingers over the part of the couch where Reita normally would be sitting. He got up, turned off the TV, grabbed his keys, and sped out the door.
Ruki drove to Reita’s place to see what was going on with him. Playing hooky for a day or two was normal, but not a week. When he got inside, he examined the place. It wasn’t messy, so Reita wasn’t drinking. But when Ruki entered the bedroom, he found medicine bottles all over the nightstand. He picked up a few and saw that they were all cold and fever medicine. If Reita, has a fever, where is he now? Why didn’t he call me? I can take care of him…
Ruki called Reita’s phone about a few hundred times, leaving countless messages. He looked everywhere: Blue Lagoon, Crimson, park, Café Sienna, his favorite sushi restaurant, record stores, and clothing stores. Ruki was tired. It was about 9 and he has been running around the city looking for one man. Still, Ruki didn’t feel right without knowing where Reita is. He decided to grab a few beers and drive up to A Gray Horizon.
Ruki felt awkward going up there alone. But when he arrived, he noticed that there was another car parked, Reita’s car in particular. Ruki grinned and sighed in relief. He decided to scare Reita to get him for making him look for the sick bassist. He cleverly slipped out of his car without making any noise. But he froze when he heard something that startled him.
“RUKI!!!!!!!” Reita let out a loud wail. Ruki panicked. Does Reita have eyes behind his head? “Ruki…Ruki…” Reita trailed off. Ruki could tell that he was crying. Empty beer bottles were rolling on the ground, they were Reita’s. “Ruki…why can’t you understand that I’ve been by your side all along?” Ruki was planted to the ground, he wanted to stop Reita from saying anymore, but his body didn’t seem to want to move. All he can see is Reita’s backside. “Every time, it’s Uruha this, Uruha that. Nevertheless I listen. Did you know I’m in pain too? And you call me selfish while you go and cut my heart into pieces.” Reita smirked. He dropped his head down.
“But it’s ok. The game we call love doesn’t have rules. So I’ll admit that I lost to Uruha.” Reita stayed silent for a while. He couldn’t control his tears. He would never want anybody to see him like this, not this weak. “If I evaporate into thin air, would you miss me? Or would you not take note that I’m not around anymore?” Reita wiped away his tears. “I….” he gasped for air, “I exist.” He coughed, choking on his tears. “My existence only persists because of you. And…and again, I love you.” Reita raised his beer up into the night sky and took a gulp.
Ruki quietly stepped behind Reita. Now he was in tears too. “I’m sorry, but I can’t stop loving him.” Reita’s beer bottle dropped to the ground
---------------------------------Alternate Ending---------------------------------
Reita wiped away his tears. “I….” he gasped for air, “I exist.” He coughed, choking on his tears. “My existence only persists because of you. And…and again, I love you.” Reita raised his beer up into the night sky and took a gulp.
Ruki went home. He didn’t know how to face Reita. His feelings were all mixed up. What do I feel for Reita? Love? No, no. I love Uruha…right? Yes…I do. He left a message asking Reita to meet at Café Sienna.
Reita pushed open the door to the quiet café. Ruki was already sitting down with a drink half empty since he arrived 30 minutes early. When Reita saw Ruki, he waved and sat across from him. Right after Reita sat down, a waitress came along and asked the man what he wanted to drink. Reita told her his usual: coffee with milk, no sugar. The waitress smiled at both men and quickly went away to get Reita’s coffee.
“So…why did you want to meet up? Especially here.” He gave a chuckle though he could hardly project it due to last night’s screaming.
Ruki looked down at his ice tea, twirling the straw in the dark liquid. The sound of the ice clanking against the glass seemed so loud in the mist of their silence. “I heard you last night.”
Reita tilted his head in confusion. When he realized what Ruki was talking about, he opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the waitress. “Sorry, here’s your coffee.” She bowed, sorry for disturbing the two and left.
Reita’s eyes averted back to Ruki. “I’m sorry you had to hear it from me that way. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you how I felt. You know…you have enough on your mind.” He sighed, looking down at his black coffee. “So yeah…I…..love you. I love you Ruki. All this time, before him, during him, and now, after him.” Reita started to fidget with his sugar packets.
“Rei, you know I care about you. You know you’re important in my life. But I,” Ruki bit his lip, “I don’t, no. I can’t love you.” Ruki glanced up at Reita who was looking out the window.
“It’s snowing.” All the people on the streets stopped to look up at the sky. “My heart’s snowing too…” Ruki was staring at Reita while Reita admired the snowflakes falling down. All this time, he’s been by my side. If it wasn’t for him, I’d be such a wreck right now. Reita…
“Reita, I’m sorry.” Reita slowly turned his head to face Ruki. He gave him a warm smile.
“You shouldn’t apologize. I do it because I love you.” It was as if Reita could read Ruki’s mind.
“No, Rei. I have to apologize. You waste your time on me. I’m just so sorry I can’t love you back. He…I…you…,” Ruki struggled with his words. He was worried, worried that if he rejected Reita, Reita would leave his side. “Rei, please don’t leave me. I need you.”
“Ru, I wish you wouldn’t say that. It makes it so excruciating for me to hear you say you don’t love me, but need me.”
“I know…I just can’t lose you. But I miss him. And I still love him, so I can’t lie to you and tell you that I love you. I owe you so much. Rei, can you give me time, time for me....to lo-”
Reita placed his finger on to Ruki's lips and caressed away a stray tear on Ruki’s cheek. “As long as you don’t push me away, it’ll be alright. I can wait for you. I’ll foolishly stand by you, stay with you because it’s all worth it. And I’ll be smiling all along the way, because Ruki, you’re worth it.