Feedback Post

[phantomizedacid]

Hello readers!

This post is here for you to comment on my writing. Whether it'd be positive or negative, I'd love and appreciate your feedback on my writing. Please try to be constructive :D It will help me improve greatly.

Anonymous or not, your choice.
Thank you for your time♥

Comments

on your vamp fic

[anonymous]

ok, actually, i read your vamp fic when you posted it, and i was going to give you feedback on it, but i didn't know how i could do it without sounding mean.

well, first, vampire fic. there's nothing wrong with it, but it's just something that needs to be done carefully. because it's so cliche and overused, you have to be careful with how you portray your characters.

the biggest problem i had with your fic was your approach on death. i don't think anyone, even one so devoted to something, would be ready to die without facing at least some fear of the after-life. and if they had none, i think you kind of need to cover why there isn't any. then jonghyun had no problems with being turned into a vampire, against his will, and being made immortal. even if we say that we want to live forever, i don't think many of us really do. for jonghyun to so easily give away his life almost makes him appear empty.

the beginning of your fic had jonghyun appearing like a highly subservient character, which is not really at all like him. then you switch his character when the smut comes along and made him dominant. would someone who had devoted himself to serve suddenly take control like that? it would have made more sense if you had key guide the sex, even if he was on "bottom," because it was implied that he was forceful and controlling as their "queen."

you had a few redundancies as well. He drank until I was drained dry. if he had been "drained" of blood, he would not be alive, even in the least, afterward. “Kibum, this is going to hurt.” isn't it implied that key is well versed in sex, and doesn't jonghyun know this?

idk, i think you just need to ask yourself, "would the real ____ do/act like this?" and then ask yourself, even in fantasy, does this make sense? does this match what i already wrote?

Re: on your vamp fic

[phantomizedacid]

Thank you thank you thank you so much.
It's totally ok if you want to sound mean because I rather have an honest comment.

I think I tried to morph them into something they're totally not. I thought that would be ok since it's AU, but I guess it didn't work lol.
I'm writing more for Halloween so I'll try to do better. Thank you again for this! It'll help me a lot on my next vamp fic.

on your new vamp fic:

[anonymous]

i know you're looking for some concrit, so i came back when i saw that you posted again. :)

the biggest problem with your fic is the amount of cliche, which in vampire fic is inevitable. however, i think that it's possible to avoid some of them, which you might consider doing. think about ways that vampires haven't been looked at before and consider how you can incorporate those new ideas into your fic.

your fic seemed very rushed to me, like you were either excited to write or you wanted to hurry and finish it. you cut alot of corners when it came to explaining certain aspects of your vampires. like, that whole part of key "already" knowing about vampires. it's seems like a cop out, like you didn't want to write about key discovering vampires. it's too easy. also, why is key so calm about it? ngl, i'd probably freak out if i found out vamps were real. he's seems so at ease with it and with jonghyun biting him, which makes things too easy and cliche. ngl, it's too "twilight," and that's a huge turn-off.

also, you have alot of dialogue, but not as much actual fic behind it. you need to doing more showing instead of telling. you also write in the mindset that we know exactly how you see this fic, but tbqh we don't, so you need to be more clear about not only the characters in your story, but what they're doing as well.

i was confused about who's a vamp and who's not. i can deduce that minho and jonghyun are vamps, but i kind of get the vibe that jinki is as well, which is then countered with that scene of jinki eating. also, what is jinki's relationship with minho? i get the feeling that he cares for minho, but minho's feeding off taemin? but why is he feeding off taemin when he obviously has alternate supplies of blood that he's giving to jonghyun? these are all things that you should work on clarifying.

Re: on your new vamp fic:

[phantomizedacid]

yea i tried really hard to avoid the cliche, the whole "let me suck your blood now you're dead" thing. but your suggestion sounds great.

yea i got comments about it being rushed :\ i guess that's my fault since i wanted to explain the stuff i didn't show in the side story. key discovering about vampires doesn't fit in the time line of the fic so idk how to fit that in D: there's so much to explain and i was so afraid that it'd seem that i was dragging it out.

i usually don't write a lot of dialogue (idk if you read my past fic) so this was my first try at it.

the whole jinki-minho-taemin thing, i sort of left that unclear on purpose. bad idea? i really wanted to clear that up in another fic.

thanks again!

Re: on your new vamp fic:

[anonymous]

you shouldn't worry about the length of your fic. instead, you should focus on if you're getting across what you want to, and if the readers can understand what you're trying to write about.

i can understand that you want to elaborate more on it, but i think in this fic, it makes things a little too complicated and confusing. if this part is about jongkey, make sure you focus on jongkey and try not to add in parts that detract from that. it's too much at once, if you get what i mean?

:)

Re: on your new vamp fic:

[phantomizedacid]

ok, i'll definitely keep what you said in mind when i write the side story.
thank you so much!