Trying to breathe.
"This is not a battle worth fighting."
This has been my constant mantra for the past few days.
My mom and I spent three hours at Costco today, waiting for pictures to be developed (we had a lot.
Plus an 8 x 12 of Pixel, it's one of my favorites and still my current desktop, haha).
Things were fine, until we got home. Actually, no, things almost went awry even at Costco but I tried not to make any situation worse.
We were looking through the photos when my mom brought up how I should do something about my eyebrows.
("Brought up" is putting it nicely). Sigh. This post will sound really absurd but here we go.
I am a very visual person. I also have this odd... visual issue... thing. Only one other person I know understands what I mean. For example, if someone changes something about their appearance, it'll throw me for a bit until I get used to it. Not a lot of people accept that about me. I don't know. Most of the times I like and/or don't mind the change-- not that it's for my judgment or anything like that. I'm just saying that's how it is for me.
So imagine how it is when I change something concerning appearance about myself.
(And how worse it is when it's not something I'd usually want to do, and it's only to appease her. (I'm tired of doing that, by the way).
This is why I'm still stuck in some immature stage of development. Because she constantly treats me like a child and I'm sick of it. Actually, I just remembered.
While we were at Costco, she was complaining about my hair (there is nothing wrong with my hair) and I told her I got it cut for myself, and not her, and no, I wasn't trying to "rebel," and of course she said, "That's because you want to rebel." "I'm 23 years old, I'm an adult." "So? Just because you're 23, you think that means you can rebel?" "No. That's called independence."
There are times where I just start laughing because it's absolutely ridiculous.
She has no respect for me, and I know a lot of other people don't, either, no matter what they say.
I can tell because of how they treat me. Sure, it's nice to have me around sometimes, when they feel like it, but they don't actually respect me as much as they would others.
So back to my eyebrows. Yeah, I'm getting self-conscious now.
I know they're thick and not what society would prefer.
I told my mom that I didn't usually like to conform to society's norms and she tried to tell me to stop using a cell phone and use an old phone. Sigh. I told her that wasn't the same and she kept pressing. I told her she didn't need to, that she needed to stop arguing. She said that she was just trying to get her point across, though she'd gotten it across minutes ago.
I scrawled in my journal,
"She just likes to argue in order to get her point across-- gee, that sounds like me which sounds like her."
... ugh.
But see. I'm trying not to fight.
Which is worse, in my opinion. But it's really, really not worth getting into a fight with her over something so petty. I'm just tired of doing things just to keep her from biting my head off.
More of what was in my journal...
"Except, see. I'm trying not to fight, and just say okay
Though inside--
Well, it doesn't matter what I think.
She always has something to say and wil never take my opinion into consideration
because hers is the only one that is right."
I know. I'm like that, too.
I can't be that way anymore. I'm sick of feeling this way.
Also, I like how I look. I know everyone else always wants me to do something about my eyebrows.
The last time I got them threaded, I told myself never again. That was horrible.
And it was weird when I looked in the mirror. I tried to get used to it, but it just wasn't me.
I told her I'd do it (I'm really tired of trying to please her, it's my life, but nooo, that'd be rebelling) and maybe this time they'll do a better job. In her opinion, she believes that well-groomed eyebrows are necessary "because you're not on the island anymore." That I have to look professional. ... This reminds me of the time she told me my husband wouldn't like me if I didn't iron his pants right. ... Riiiiiiiight, okay. Hello, I'm not playing submissive housewife, and I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter you would prefer.
She can't accept me and never will, and I'm tired of playing the nice, obedient daughter.
This really isn't going to get me into the Lord's good graces, and I really, really need His mercy at the moment...
I just want to believe someone would accept me for me, and that I wouldn't cause them any problems.
But I guess this is why I'm trying to fix myself, still.
Though it is really terribly frustrating when I have to keep my mouth shut to keep from fighting with my parents when I have valid opinions of my own. But fighting with them would get me nowhere and would only make the situation worse.
I'm already worried about a lot of things enough as it is.
This has been my constant mantra for the past few days.
My mom and I spent three hours at Costco today, waiting for pictures to be developed (we had a lot.
Plus an 8 x 12 of Pixel, it's one of my favorites and still my current desktop, haha).
Things were fine, until we got home. Actually, no, things almost went awry even at Costco but I tried not to make any situation worse.
We were looking through the photos when my mom brought up how I should do something about my eyebrows.
("Brought up" is putting it nicely). Sigh. This post will sound really absurd but here we go.
I am a very visual person. I also have this odd... visual issue... thing. Only one other person I know understands what I mean. For example, if someone changes something about their appearance, it'll throw me for a bit until I get used to it. Not a lot of people accept that about me. I don't know. Most of the times I like and/or don't mind the change-- not that it's for my judgment or anything like that. I'm just saying that's how it is for me.
So imagine how it is when I change something concerning appearance about myself.
(And how worse it is when it's not something I'd usually want to do, and it's only to appease her. (I'm tired of doing that, by the way).
This is why I'm still stuck in some immature stage of development. Because she constantly treats me like a child and I'm sick of it. Actually, I just remembered.
While we were at Costco, she was complaining about my hair (there is nothing wrong with my hair) and I told her I got it cut for myself, and not her, and no, I wasn't trying to "rebel," and of course she said, "That's because you want to rebel." "I'm 23 years old, I'm an adult." "So? Just because you're 23, you think that means you can rebel?" "No. That's called independence."
There are times where I just start laughing because it's absolutely ridiculous.
She has no respect for me, and I know a lot of other people don't, either, no matter what they say.
I can tell because of how they treat me. Sure, it's nice to have me around sometimes, when they feel like it, but they don't actually respect me as much as they would others.
So back to my eyebrows. Yeah, I'm getting self-conscious now.
I know they're thick and not what society would prefer.
I told my mom that I didn't usually like to conform to society's norms and she tried to tell me to stop using a cell phone and use an old phone. Sigh. I told her that wasn't the same and she kept pressing. I told her she didn't need to, that she needed to stop arguing. She said that she was just trying to get her point across, though she'd gotten it across minutes ago.
I scrawled in my journal,
"She just likes to argue in order to get her point across-- gee, that sounds like me which sounds like her."
... ugh.
But see. I'm trying not to fight.
Which is worse, in my opinion. But it's really, really not worth getting into a fight with her over something so petty. I'm just tired of doing things just to keep her from biting my head off.
More of what was in my journal...
"Except, see. I'm trying not to fight, and just say okay
Though inside--
Well, it doesn't matter what I think.
She always has something to say and wil never take my opinion into consideration
because hers is the only one that is right."
I know. I'm like that, too.
I can't be that way anymore. I'm sick of feeling this way.
Also, I like how I look. I know everyone else always wants me to do something about my eyebrows.
The last time I got them threaded, I told myself never again. That was horrible.
And it was weird when I looked in the mirror. I tried to get used to it, but it just wasn't me.
I told her I'd do it (I'm really tired of trying to please her, it's my life, but nooo, that'd be rebelling) and maybe this time they'll do a better job. In her opinion, she believes that well-groomed eyebrows are necessary "because you're not on the island anymore." That I have to look professional. ... This reminds me of the time she told me my husband wouldn't like me if I didn't iron his pants right. ... Riiiiiiiight, okay. Hello, I'm not playing submissive housewife, and I'm sorry that I'm not the daughter you would prefer.
She can't accept me and never will, and I'm tired of playing the nice, obedient daughter.
This really isn't going to get me into the Lord's good graces, and I really, really need His mercy at the moment...
I just want to believe someone would accept me for me, and that I wouldn't cause them any problems.
But I guess this is why I'm trying to fix myself, still.
Though it is really terribly frustrating when I have to keep my mouth shut to keep from fighting with my parents when I have valid opinions of my own. But fighting with them would get me nowhere and would only make the situation worse.
I'm already worried about a lot of things enough as it is.