...
So venting, again. Depression is a bitch, but we're in it together for a bit longer, it seems.
I started thinking the other day, and that's when I got into trouble.
For once, in my life, I wish that I could feel complete. I thought I could fight this thing by myself, but I can't. I don't want to be like this forever, but I can't see a way out. This is the sixth night in a row I've cried myself to sleep, and sometimes, I don't even know why I'm sad, its just this crushing endless sadness that won't leave.
I wish I had someone to love me, but at the same time...
Its hard to explain. I don't think I deserve it. Is it fair to ask a guy to love someone as messed up as I am? I have so much baggage, its definitely unfair to ask anyone to be involved in my life and have to deal with all that. Not to mention they would have to deal with my depression. No man wants to have to struggle through that, and I shouldn't expect anyone to.
How would I even let him know? Oh, by the way, I've tried to off myself a few times in the past, and I'm chronically depressed. But please still love me! He'd be so freaked out he'd want to leave, but so freaked out that I'd go spare if he did... it isn't fair to any guy.
Am I meant to be alone? Am I supposed to expect some guy out there to be okay with this? Which is it?
I don't know anymore. It gets so hard to deal with, especially at night. I just am stuck in this place where I feel hopeless, and I think that having someone finally just care about me would help... but how can I expect someone to want me? I'm so fucked up. I just wish I knew what I could do.
I've tried to meet new people, but its not going well. They'll talk to me, but its only polite conversation, they don't take an interest in my life, or me. Its actually gotten so bad I've had to go cry in the back room sometimes AT WORK for fuck's sake and that's not professional.
I wish I knew what to do. I can't seem to get a hold on myself, and put the pieces back together. Its been like this for years... I just wish I could make it finally stop, and be me, be myself again.
The thoughts are coming back too. The thoughts that say, don't you wish you'd just died back then? What good has saving yourself done, what good has the therapy done, what good has stopping the medication done if you're still right here... where you've always been? Like this? I'm not going to act because I know what it means now to value living, but the thoughts still come and when they do they scare me into fits of hysteria because I remember what it was like, I remember the pain and the panic when I was dying.
I wish there was an answer somewhere for me.
I really wish I knew what to do, to help myself get well.
And I really wish you all a world of happiness so you never have to question yourselves like this.
I started thinking the other day, and that's when I got into trouble.
For once, in my life, I wish that I could feel complete. I thought I could fight this thing by myself, but I can't. I don't want to be like this forever, but I can't see a way out. This is the sixth night in a row I've cried myself to sleep, and sometimes, I don't even know why I'm sad, its just this crushing endless sadness that won't leave.
I wish I had someone to love me, but at the same time...
Its hard to explain. I don't think I deserve it. Is it fair to ask a guy to love someone as messed up as I am? I have so much baggage, its definitely unfair to ask anyone to be involved in my life and have to deal with all that. Not to mention they would have to deal with my depression. No man wants to have to struggle through that, and I shouldn't expect anyone to.
How would I even let him know? Oh, by the way, I've tried to off myself a few times in the past, and I'm chronically depressed. But please still love me! He'd be so freaked out he'd want to leave, but so freaked out that I'd go spare if he did... it isn't fair to any guy.
Am I meant to be alone? Am I supposed to expect some guy out there to be okay with this? Which is it?
I don't know anymore. It gets so hard to deal with, especially at night. I just am stuck in this place where I feel hopeless, and I think that having someone finally just care about me would help... but how can I expect someone to want me? I'm so fucked up. I just wish I knew what I could do.
I've tried to meet new people, but its not going well. They'll talk to me, but its only polite conversation, they don't take an interest in my life, or me. Its actually gotten so bad I've had to go cry in the back room sometimes AT WORK for fuck's sake and that's not professional.
I wish I knew what to do. I can't seem to get a hold on myself, and put the pieces back together. Its been like this for years... I just wish I could make it finally stop, and be me, be myself again.
The thoughts are coming back too. The thoughts that say, don't you wish you'd just died back then? What good has saving yourself done, what good has the therapy done, what good has stopping the medication done if you're still right here... where you've always been? Like this? I'm not going to act because I know what it means now to value living, but the thoughts still come and when they do they scare me into fits of hysteria because I remember what it was like, I remember the pain and the panic when I was dying.
I wish there was an answer somewhere for me.
I really wish I knew what to do, to help myself get well.
And I really wish you all a world of happiness so you never have to question yourselves like this.