I can feel nothing at all...except for the pain that hits me again...
Hello everyone.
The past few days have bee horrible...Bitter tears cried by Karen...we decided we have to unattach from each other...
To be quite honest, i didnt want to...i just couldnt imagine even trying to...it sounded so inhumane...even for me...but i knew i had to...not forget about her, but destroy all feelings and wantons of being with her again...we both agreed that if we stayed like we were now, it owuld just hurt us because we would want to be together again, which cant happen because we both know we will just break up again...
So on friday night (i believe thats when it as, the past few days have just been a blurr, when you are in sucha state of sorrow, everything else seems like an illusion...a bad dream) i was talkin to karen, we were discussing this...and i told her how i felt
I told her i felt nothing.
Which is true, i just dont feel like i did anymore...all the feelings of bliss and the things that made me happy were gone, i still love karen...but i feel as though this love i have for her is hurting me...
yesterday i was in the same state as i was before...it waspretty bad...,my mom was screaming at me and my dad as always, making us feel like shit...usually thatis enough to make me break down...but yesterday it didnt, it was as if something, thatpart that made me react to her screams, thatpart that made me feel bad, has just vanished...i felt dead...emotionless...just thinking about all the time i was with karen, and how much im going to miss it...
I now know that i really love her...that i really want to be with her...but it's too late, it will never be the same again, things just cant go back to whatthey were as much as i wish for them to be....
I wanted to talk to Karen online yesterday but was unable to seeing as how my mom made me do something for her on the internet (she wants to fly tolas vegas in a month and needed to buy tickets)
To add to the torture of my mom so insecure and hysterical breathing down on my neck to make me do as she told me to, I had to bear seeing karen online and not being able to talk to her, not being able to IM her and tell her to wait till i came back...*sigh*...I actually shed a tear before i went to sleep...which makes me think.
You see, i learned something about myself yesterday...i always thought that the only reason i wold cry was due to being to angry, so hateful towards something, that the waters that sprouted from my eyes were my body's way of trying to cool down, to release the anger...
Apparently, extreme sorrow also makes me cry...usually i try not to make a big deal out of things...i try to be in control...but ysterday it was just too much...
I miss karen, i'm not going to lie to anyone here, and i wish i could be with her again, but i hvae to learn to accept that it just wont happen...
*sighs*
I just dont know whats gonna happen...I just don't know anymore...
The past few days have bee horrible...Bitter tears cried by Karen...we decided we have to unattach from each other...
To be quite honest, i didnt want to...i just couldnt imagine even trying to...it sounded so inhumane...even for me...but i knew i had to...not forget about her, but destroy all feelings and wantons of being with her again...we both agreed that if we stayed like we were now, it owuld just hurt us because we would want to be together again, which cant happen because we both know we will just break up again...
So on friday night (i believe thats when it as, the past few days have just been a blurr, when you are in sucha state of sorrow, everything else seems like an illusion...a bad dream) i was talkin to karen, we were discussing this...and i told her how i felt
I told her i felt nothing.
Which is true, i just dont feel like i did anymore...all the feelings of bliss and the things that made me happy were gone, i still love karen...but i feel as though this love i have for her is hurting me...
yesterday i was in the same state as i was before...it waspretty bad...,my mom was screaming at me and my dad as always, making us feel like shit...usually thatis enough to make me break down...but yesterday it didnt, it was as if something, thatpart that made me react to her screams, thatpart that made me feel bad, has just vanished...i felt dead...emotionless...just thinking about all the time i was with karen, and how much im going to miss it...
I now know that i really love her...that i really want to be with her...but it's too late, it will never be the same again, things just cant go back to whatthey were as much as i wish for them to be....
I wanted to talk to Karen online yesterday but was unable to seeing as how my mom made me do something for her on the internet (she wants to fly tolas vegas in a month and needed to buy tickets)
To add to the torture of my mom so insecure and hysterical breathing down on my neck to make me do as she told me to, I had to bear seeing karen online and not being able to talk to her, not being able to IM her and tell her to wait till i came back...*sigh*...I actually shed a tear before i went to sleep...which makes me think.
You see, i learned something about myself yesterday...i always thought that the only reason i wold cry was due to being to angry, so hateful towards something, that the waters that sprouted from my eyes were my body's way of trying to cool down, to release the anger...
Apparently, extreme sorrow also makes me cry...usually i try not to make a big deal out of things...i try to be in control...but ysterday it was just too much...
I miss karen, i'm not going to lie to anyone here, and i wish i could be with her again, but i hvae to learn to accept that it just wont happen...
*sighs*
I just dont know whats gonna happen...I just don't know anymore...