An explanation of the past two months...
Obviously, people have been thinking and assuming a lot of weird things about all those posts that I've had over the past few weeks. And I've gotten kind of sick and tired of all this anonymous bullshit that's been going on with all this "Stop acting all suicidal and shit"...
There is context to what has happened over that time. Obviously, I'm not happy with what has been going on over those past few months, but it hasn't led me to think about suicide. (Suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can do in their life. You destroy not only yourself, but the people around you that care.) Just thinking about what will happen when the events finally unravel and that ultimate "fate" comes true, and it really saddens me to think about it.
I'll explain without going into too much depth. A family situation arose sometime last year, but I was basically informed of this just last month. All I can say is that the chances of my family being the way it is might not be much longer. That is all I can really say because it's not easy to explain without giving too much detail because the fact that it really hurts to think or talk about it and to respect my family and the problems that we're going through together.
However, one thing that I can say is that these problems have been grinding through my head over and over and over again. I've tried to think about other things that have been going on, but it's basically no use. It's impossible to not think about what's going on back home. When you are away from home, with no power to do anything to help, you feel helpless and your enthusiam for everything around you just drops like a rock. I've tried to treat my life like I normally would, but in the end, it's hopeless. More importantly, there are a few people in my family that need to know what is going on, but are completely oblivious to the situation. It creates this moral dilemma for me: (1) Either respect the people that are involved and just leave everyone else out, or (2) to tell and tell the uninformed that this problem is around and we need to work it out as a family. There are a few people that I feel need to know about this, but to respect the wishes of some and to protect them, I'm not suppose to tell. I was one of those people that were uninformed as well. However, I figured this out on my own from my observations. A few phone calls later, I completely broke down and went on this moody streak. This is what I have to deal with.
I might have seemed somewhat depressed or disturbed for the past few weeks, but it isn't because it is me or some kind of suicidal tendencies. It's this problem at home that I want to help out with, but I can't. No matter how hard I try to help, it is still out of my hands. Those that are involved have to go deal with this on their own. All I can do is support them until the very end. And one of the few ways that I can take out my emotions is by writing... Might seem like some weird or bullshit writing, but it's what I feel at the moment that I write it. Turns out to be more like moody writing, but as long as I don't bottle up those emotions, it'll help me get through this personally.
The truth hurts when it smacks you right in the face like a big brick wall. There's not much you can do about it after it happens. You just have to deal with it and try your best to get around it somehow.
For now, I just try my best to live my life normally, but I still have it in the back of my head. I can't forget it because it will come to haunt me if I do. But to see the good things in life really has been my savior, or else I would be worse than I am now.
So now you know... vaguely. You can believe me or not, but what I'm saying is what I know to be the truth. Take it or leave it.
There is context to what has happened over that time. Obviously, I'm not happy with what has been going on over those past few months, but it hasn't led me to think about suicide. (Suicide is the most selfish thing anyone can do in their life. You destroy not only yourself, but the people around you that care.) Just thinking about what will happen when the events finally unravel and that ultimate "fate" comes true, and it really saddens me to think about it.
I'll explain without going into too much depth. A family situation arose sometime last year, but I was basically informed of this just last month. All I can say is that the chances of my family being the way it is might not be much longer. That is all I can really say because it's not easy to explain without giving too much detail because the fact that it really hurts to think or talk about it and to respect my family and the problems that we're going through together.
However, one thing that I can say is that these problems have been grinding through my head over and over and over again. I've tried to think about other things that have been going on, but it's basically no use. It's impossible to not think about what's going on back home. When you are away from home, with no power to do anything to help, you feel helpless and your enthusiam for everything around you just drops like a rock. I've tried to treat my life like I normally would, but in the end, it's hopeless. More importantly, there are a few people in my family that need to know what is going on, but are completely oblivious to the situation. It creates this moral dilemma for me: (1) Either respect the people that are involved and just leave everyone else out, or (2) to tell and tell the uninformed that this problem is around and we need to work it out as a family. There are a few people that I feel need to know about this, but to respect the wishes of some and to protect them, I'm not suppose to tell. I was one of those people that were uninformed as well. However, I figured this out on my own from my observations. A few phone calls later, I completely broke down and went on this moody streak. This is what I have to deal with.
I might have seemed somewhat depressed or disturbed for the past few weeks, but it isn't because it is me or some kind of suicidal tendencies. It's this problem at home that I want to help out with, but I can't. No matter how hard I try to help, it is still out of my hands. Those that are involved have to go deal with this on their own. All I can do is support them until the very end. And one of the few ways that I can take out my emotions is by writing... Might seem like some weird or bullshit writing, but it's what I feel at the moment that I write it. Turns out to be more like moody writing, but as long as I don't bottle up those emotions, it'll help me get through this personally.
The truth hurts when it smacks you right in the face like a big brick wall. There's not much you can do about it after it happens. You just have to deal with it and try your best to get around it somehow.
For now, I just try my best to live my life normally, but I still have it in the back of my head. I can't forget it because it will come to haunt me if I do. But to see the good things in life really has been my savior, or else I would be worse than I am now.
So now you know... vaguely. You can believe me or not, but what I'm saying is what I know to be the truth. Take it or leave it.