LOSER!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!
Or at least that's what I feel like people are saying about me.
Ok, where to begin? School started, internship began and I am officially a student teacher. Heather and I are living in Trey's old room, so more space is nice. Patrick's moved in and Trey moved out, but not before Bones got preggers AGAIN and we got claim on two of the kittens. They should be ready for us tomorrow.
My first placement went fairly well. I got placed with a laid back, liberal middle school teacher who I got along great with. The kids liked me, they found out my college nickname and thereafter I was dubbed "Mr. Nancy." I insisted on the respectful title, "Mr."
Second placement has begun, and whaddaya know. It's 30 minutes or so away from my house. I was early my very first day, by 30 minutes, late my second day, apparently late again my third day (damn trains, tho I got there before the bell and it was Wednesday, a late start day), and apparently I fell asleep today. I was up last nite doing my project that I should be working on right now, but Heather needs to sleep and I need some time to be emo.
I was so embarrassed when I woke up and there were students looking at me and my coaching teacher was telling the class "blah blah blah asleep in the corner" (all I could make out). After class, he told me "I don't think you want to be here." He's right in a way. I don't want to be at a school that's half an hour away. I don't want to be under a teacher who still has pictures of Bill Clinton getting impeached on his wall and a display project of Ronald Regan. I don't want to be in a 50 minute classroom so I have to stay for more classes, learn more names and get less hours than I would at a block scheduled class. I don't want to have homework that I feel bad about putting off, but have no idea how to even start, and having my mom breathing down my neck to get a job when I am falling asleep and behind on my schoolwork. I don't want any of this. But I do want to teach and this is the only way I can. Well, no it isn't, but once again, I feel like my parents won't respect me if I don't finish this. So it all comes back to my poor self image and relying on others to make me feel good because in my eyes I am next to worthless. I cna't seem to get motivated to do anything that I NEED to do. I can work hard at all the things I WANT to do, fight, act, make money etc. But when it comes to sacrificing NOW to get what I want LATER, I can't even operate on a third grade level (Dad of course, would tell me to stop trying to blame other situations and people and put the blame where it belongs: on mom. Mom would say that it's the way that dad made me scared of him and feel less about myself. Maybe they're both right, or maybe they are both wrong). But the point is to stop wallowing in emo ass self pity and ask: How the hell do I fix this? First of course, gotta want it. Do I? I am not sure. The easy answer would be "No, and I never will, so why bother? Helloooooo, Outback!!" But that's the chicken way to do it, even if it's what I feel like doing. I can't tell if I actually want to quit and join the workforce, or if I am just lazy and afraid of failure. So then, strategy time. Something I guess I have to work out by myself.
Pulling up the ol' bootstraps till I get a toe-wedgie,
Mr. Nancy
I mean, Matt
Ok, where to begin? School started, internship began and I am officially a student teacher. Heather and I are living in Trey's old room, so more space is nice. Patrick's moved in and Trey moved out, but not before Bones got preggers AGAIN and we got claim on two of the kittens. They should be ready for us tomorrow.
My first placement went fairly well. I got placed with a laid back, liberal middle school teacher who I got along great with. The kids liked me, they found out my college nickname and thereafter I was dubbed "Mr. Nancy." I insisted on the respectful title, "Mr."
Second placement has begun, and whaddaya know. It's 30 minutes or so away from my house. I was early my very first day, by 30 minutes, late my second day, apparently late again my third day (damn trains, tho I got there before the bell and it was Wednesday, a late start day), and apparently I fell asleep today. I was up last nite doing my project that I should be working on right now, but Heather needs to sleep and I need some time to be emo.
I was so embarrassed when I woke up and there were students looking at me and my coaching teacher was telling the class "blah blah blah asleep in the corner" (all I could make out). After class, he told me "I don't think you want to be here." He's right in a way. I don't want to be at a school that's half an hour away. I don't want to be under a teacher who still has pictures of Bill Clinton getting impeached on his wall and a display project of Ronald Regan. I don't want to be in a 50 minute classroom so I have to stay for more classes, learn more names and get less hours than I would at a block scheduled class. I don't want to have homework that I feel bad about putting off, but have no idea how to even start, and having my mom breathing down my neck to get a job when I am falling asleep and behind on my schoolwork. I don't want any of this. But I do want to teach and this is the only way I can. Well, no it isn't, but once again, I feel like my parents won't respect me if I don't finish this. So it all comes back to my poor self image and relying on others to make me feel good because in my eyes I am next to worthless. I cna't seem to get motivated to do anything that I NEED to do. I can work hard at all the things I WANT to do, fight, act, make money etc. But when it comes to sacrificing NOW to get what I want LATER, I can't even operate on a third grade level (Dad of course, would tell me to stop trying to blame other situations and people and put the blame where it belongs: on mom. Mom would say that it's the way that dad made me scared of him and feel less about myself. Maybe they're both right, or maybe they are both wrong). But the point is to stop wallowing in emo ass self pity and ask: How the hell do I fix this? First of course, gotta want it. Do I? I am not sure. The easy answer would be "No, and I never will, so why bother? Helloooooo, Outback!!" But that's the chicken way to do it, even if it's what I feel like doing. I can't tell if I actually want to quit and join the workforce, or if I am just lazy and afraid of failure. So then, strategy time. Something I guess I have to work out by myself.
Pulling up the ol' bootstraps till I get a toe-wedgie,
Mr. Nancy
I mean, Matt