1 month on
Where has the last month gone?
I find it so hard to believe that 1 month ago i was in 30 mins away from pushing out a baby.
How much my life has changed, yet how much it has remained the same.
I can't remember what my life was like without Xavier... I vaguely remember being pregnant, but it seems like another life away... almost like a dream.
I can't remember what it was like to be able to sleep through the night without getting up for feeds, changes and snuggles. I dont want to remember.
I can't even really remember the labour... i remember the important bits, the bits that make me giggle - gas applicator guns, mooing like a cow, and me sounding like grover, the bits that make me cry - that i didnt get to spend much time with him after the birth, that i cant have birth naturally any more, the blood all over the floor after he came out. but all the details of the bits in between are fading and that makes me sad.
i hate the fact that Paul only gets to see Xavier at night time when he is grumpy and misses out on all the smiles and giggles that i get to share with him in the morning.
I hate the fact that Paul hates his job so much, and the only reason he is still going is to support us. I appreciate it so much, but it breaks my heart to see how much he hates it.
i hate the fact that i am so far away from so many people i love so much. i feel greedy keeping Xavier down here, but i dont feel like we have finished our time down here yet. i am not sure why.
i love the fact that i have time off so that i can build a strong solid relationship with Xavier and he isnt going to childcare and being brought up by people we dont know.
i love the fact that i have such an amazingly strong support network, and that our family is surrounded by SO much love.
i love the fact that i now have a family with the man i love, and we are closer than we have ever been.
i love the fact that my body has bounced back so quickly
i hate the fact that if i eat the wrong foods it gives Xavier wind and hurts him without me meaning to
I love that Xavier loves snuggles
I love my family more than i ever thought possible.
I find it so hard to believe that 1 month ago i was in 30 mins away from pushing out a baby.
How much my life has changed, yet how much it has remained the same.
I can't remember what my life was like without Xavier... I vaguely remember being pregnant, but it seems like another life away... almost like a dream.
I can't remember what it was like to be able to sleep through the night without getting up for feeds, changes and snuggles. I dont want to remember.
I can't even really remember the labour... i remember the important bits, the bits that make me giggle - gas applicator guns, mooing like a cow, and me sounding like grover, the bits that make me cry - that i didnt get to spend much time with him after the birth, that i cant have birth naturally any more, the blood all over the floor after he came out. but all the details of the bits in between are fading and that makes me sad.
i hate the fact that Paul only gets to see Xavier at night time when he is grumpy and misses out on all the smiles and giggles that i get to share with him in the morning.
I hate the fact that Paul hates his job so much, and the only reason he is still going is to support us. I appreciate it so much, but it breaks my heart to see how much he hates it.
i hate the fact that i am so far away from so many people i love so much. i feel greedy keeping Xavier down here, but i dont feel like we have finished our time down here yet. i am not sure why.
i love the fact that i have time off so that i can build a strong solid relationship with Xavier and he isnt going to childcare and being brought up by people we dont know.
i love the fact that i have such an amazingly strong support network, and that our family is surrounded by SO much love.
i love the fact that i now have a family with the man i love, and we are closer than we have ever been.
i love the fact that my body has bounced back so quickly
i hate the fact that if i eat the wrong foods it gives Xavier wind and hurts him without me meaning to
I love that Xavier loves snuggles
I love my family more than i ever thought possible.