(no subject)
Title: Just for idiots
Author: Las
Pairing: Mat/Gil, mentioned Mat/Dan
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Mat's lonely and thinking too much.
Author's notes: I guess this is a PWP - yet to me it feels more as if it's part of a far bigger story of which I didn't write the rest than just an excuse to write porn (though I definitely was out to write some porn as well :P). Either way, enjoy. Comments are much appreciated but then the KH comm has quite died down...
*pokes her flist a little* Plz comment?
-------
It was an intense, horrifying loneliness wrapping its empty limbs around Mat in the dark that night. He had known it was coming, somewhere deep down, and he'd been fighting it off with liquor for at least the past week, but his hangover had been growing epicly permanent and Elias had convinced him he could do a night without the dulling alcohol. Well, Elias was wrong. Wide awake in bed and frighteningly sober, the emotions nagging at Mat's heart gave him visions of just ripping it out, despite being aware of just how dramatic that thought was.
Love must be just for idiots.
Yeah, that lyric had stuck with him ever since he wrote it in a mood that was to such an extent composed of the anger and bitterness of recent memories that at least, in that moment, it'd been bearable in how unbearable it was. No, it didn't exactly make sense. Mat just knew that as memories faded further away he had even less to hold on to, less to direct his sense of misery and bitterness toward. All that was left for him now was a wider overview of the misery that was yet to come.
With a sudden jerk, Mat tossed aside his covers and got up from his hotel bed, just standing still and breathing into the dark for a few moments.
Don't be ridiculous, Mat. Get a grip.
Very carefully trying to shut down his ability to feel anything at all, he walked over to the window, peeking out between the curtains. Everything was dull out there. The town, the weather, the lights. Mat wondered if Dan's life had brightened up from this dullness now that he was married, and on a fucking honeymoon in Italy.
Mat also wondered whether Colleen's life had drowned in the dullness, and he hoped for it. But then she always had the miraculous ability to not even notice that sort of thing.
It's her fault. If she'd have stayed with me, I'd still have a girlfriend, and I'd still have Dan, too.
Interesting how things could be interlinked that way, Mat pondered, staring outside unseeingly. He had carefully tried to balance everything and keep the whole construction in an upright position - and the moment one component wavered and fell down, everything was dragged along.
For idiots. Just for idiots.
"Mat."
Mat nearly jumped, already halfway turned around when two firm hands stopped him and gently started rubbing his shoulders.
Mat stiffened up. "Gil. What the hell?"
He really thought Gil had been asleep - Mat was pretty positive Gil had passed out not long after they'd gone to bed, judging by the deep breaths from the other bed that had been the only constant sound in the room ever since he'd started lying awake - not that he'd noticed much of it anymore after his own thoughts had grown louder and louder.
"I thought perhaps I could help you relax some."
"Just go to sleep," Mat grumbled.
"I could ask you what's bothering you..."
"Well, you wouldn't get a fucking answer." Really, who did Gil think he was? The new guy, that's who he was. He didn't have a clue what was going on, that Dan running off and getting married wasn't just a coincidence and that neither was his miserable mood.
"I know you wouldn't." Gil didn't sound as triumphant as he could've, but - guarded. A bit sleepy, too. "That's why I'm gonna help you relax. I know you're tired and want to go to sleep."
Fingers dug into his shoulders more insistently and with a sigh that Mat knew sounded perfectly as annoyed and tense as he felt, he allowed it. Strong thumbs rubbed up his neck and Mat obediently let his head fall forward a bit, eyes closing.
Fucking awkward, Gil. Giving me a shoulder rub in the middle of the night. Thank you very fucking much, just what I needed. Not.
When Gil turned him around after a few minutes, Mat thoughtlessly obeyed to this maneuvering as well, and looked at the vague shape of man standing in front of him in the dark room.
Gil's accented voice was soft. "Go lie down on your bed, Mat."
"Look, Gil-"
Mat nearly recoiled in surprised as suddenly, Gil's arms wrapped around him, and dreads were pushed into the side of his face when the other's voice sounded softly next to his ear. "I said lie down. I'm going to take care of you."
"I don't need..." Mat's voice died down when he felt the firm pressure of lips just below his ear.
He wanted to say no to this. He really did. For one because he didn't need anyone to 'take care' of him, for two because he'd slept with enough guitarists in his own band and he was really sort of done with it. One of them had left, and the other, well, he might as well have left too.
But when Gil walked him towards the bed all Mat managed to do was considerably work up his heart rate, his eyes falling closed. And the mere thought of putting up resistance faded when, after he had let himself be pushed backwards onto the bed, his boxers were pulled down and a warm mouth engulfed his cock.
"Fuck," Mat gasped, stunned at how fast Gil was getting down to business, sucking him hard and bobbing his head up and down. "God, Gil..." Mat really tried to keep that tinge of despair out of his voice. Did Gil have any idea that he was just next in line? Sexual favors had basically used to be part of the job description - back when Mat hadn't figured out yet that that was asking for trouble. Back when Mat hadn't figured out yet that he could fall for a man as well as for a woman.
"Stay here and wait," Gil ordered after just as suddenly popping his lips off Mat's cock.
Mat whined softly. He'd been getting close already, and he wanted that - fast and brainless and please just get this over with. "Gil..."
"Just a second."
Gil walked over to his own bed and Mat heard some rustling - Mat had a good idea what Gil was looking for.
"Who says I am fucking you, Gil?" Mat said quietly. "If you won't just get me off, I will." He wrapped his hand around his cock, his strokes fast, his heart a frustrating sort of empty as he willed himself to get off before Gil interfered.
But when Gil returned, Mat hadn't come yet and his hand was pulled away from his cock. "You don't have to fuck me. I'll fuck you."
After a short, stunned silence, Mat uttered a short, hollow laugh. "What the fuck? Gil. You're not fucking me."
Mat's heart was up in his throat when suddenly, the other man was on top of him, bigger body resting fully on top of his own, Gil's voice in his ear - still soft but with a hint of a growl to it now. "Look, Mat. Only a fool wouldn't notice your heart has been broken to fucking pieces. I know - you don't need to say anything. You basically ooze how much you need someone to fuck all thoughts out of your mind. That's what I'm offering."
Mat couldn't even answer, the words making his insides contract with the emotion that he'd tried so carefully to shut out. His mind was still stuck on how fucking dare he call me out on it, when he felt the coolness of a slick finger press against his entrance. It slipped inside of him.
Mat's body arched with something that was almost a sob. "Jesus, Gil..." he begged, though he wasn't even sure why he was begging - for mercy, most likely, though he wasn't sure in what form.
After a few moments of slowly sliding in and out, second finger pushed inside of him. "You're gonna feel so much better, Mat... you know it."
Mat didn't answer, for one because no, he didn't know it, and for two because his attention was on the intrusion of his body, waiting for himself to put a stop to this. He waited still when the fingers withdrew from his body, and he heard the sound of a condom wrapper being torn, and Gil leaned over him.
He was so close... so very close to telling Gil to stop - which of course he would, and on the very last moment too, to frustrate Gil as much as possible -or something-, and yet his mouth didn't form the words.
He ended up not uttering a syllable, yet couldn't stop the desperate little cry from his lips when Gil's cock sank into his body. Mat's breath came in short pants when he was stretched too far at once, feeling frustrated and in pain and fucking sorry for himself, but, so he realised while he gritted his teeth, at least grateful that Gil didn't know that he didn't bottom. Ever. Gil didn't need to know that. Actually, this was just perfect. Because it hurt fucking badly, like being madly in love, something that he wasn't supposed to ever do either, and that had ended in nothing but hurt too.
"Jesus, Mat, relax," Gil breathed into his ear, breaking Mat's train of thought.
Mat tried to follow Gil's suggestion only because he still really didn't want Gil to know that having something up his ass had only ever happened before when he was really drunk - too drunk to say no, too drunk to remember.
"Shhhh." Gil's lips touched his face, his lips.
Mat turned his face away and whimpered quietly when Gil started moving, just gently, too fucking gently. "Fuck me," Mat muttered breathlessly into the pillow. It sounded not quite sincere, and rather pitiful, even to his own ears.
"I'm hurting you."
"I like it that way." Still not very convincing.
Gil sighed. He shifted, supporting himself on one lean arm as his other hand reached down, warm fingers playing over Mat's cock, which was not quite hard anymore, then wrapping around him, stroking.
Mat refused to utter a sound - if Gil wanted this so badly then fine, he could have it, and try to make it feel good for him but he didn't fucking care.
That thought changed when Gil's cock suddenly pressed into his prostate. He gasped before he remembered to bite back the sound, but it was too late to bother anyway because of a sudden Gil seemed to have decided to go along with Mat's wishes and started fucking him. Pain and an unfamiliar sort of pleasure blocked off the rest of Mat's senses, making him arch and cry out and his fingertips dug into Gil's back in a desperate attempt to hold on to something. "Oh... oh oh oh..."
Gil was absolutely right. It wasn't until his body was coming down from shaking and his blood was buzzing through his veins and ears and his come was all over his stomach, and Gil had finally, finally stopped pounding into his sore body that the first thought popped up again in Mat's mind. Oh holy fucking fuck.
One by one his senses started functioning again. It was so dark he could still hardly see. The smell of sex in his nostrils. Gil was breathing hard, as hard as he was breathing himself. A whimper escaped his mouth when the presence inside his body was suddenly gone. Gil slowly let himself collapse on the bed beside Mat, soft fingers almost hesitantly exploring Mat's chest, stroking his skin.
For a little while, Mat let him. Then he pulled himself together. "Get out of my bed, Gil. Let me go to sleep."
"Okay, Mat."
Gil slipped out of his bed, and Mat couldn't quite make out whether the other man was smug or simply compliant.
Ever fucking mention this again, and you're out of my band.
That's what Mat wanted to say. But he didn't. He turned onto his side and passed out into a deep, immediate sleep, knowing in a faraway part of his mind that the next day would provide ample opportunity for his thoughts to haunt him again.
Author: Las
Pairing: Mat/Gil, mentioned Mat/Dan
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Mat's lonely and thinking too much.
Author's notes: I guess this is a PWP - yet to me it feels more as if it's part of a far bigger story of which I didn't write the rest than just an excuse to write porn (though I definitely was out to write some porn as well :P). Either way, enjoy. Comments are much appreciated but then the KH comm has quite died down...
*pokes her flist a little* Plz comment?
-------
It was an intense, horrifying loneliness wrapping its empty limbs around Mat in the dark that night. He had known it was coming, somewhere deep down, and he'd been fighting it off with liquor for at least the past week, but his hangover had been growing epicly permanent and Elias had convinced him he could do a night without the dulling alcohol. Well, Elias was wrong. Wide awake in bed and frighteningly sober, the emotions nagging at Mat's heart gave him visions of just ripping it out, despite being aware of just how dramatic that thought was.
Love must be just for idiots.
Yeah, that lyric had stuck with him ever since he wrote it in a mood that was to such an extent composed of the anger and bitterness of recent memories that at least, in that moment, it'd been bearable in how unbearable it was. No, it didn't exactly make sense. Mat just knew that as memories faded further away he had even less to hold on to, less to direct his sense of misery and bitterness toward. All that was left for him now was a wider overview of the misery that was yet to come.
With a sudden jerk, Mat tossed aside his covers and got up from his hotel bed, just standing still and breathing into the dark for a few moments.
Don't be ridiculous, Mat. Get a grip.
Very carefully trying to shut down his ability to feel anything at all, he walked over to the window, peeking out between the curtains. Everything was dull out there. The town, the weather, the lights. Mat wondered if Dan's life had brightened up from this dullness now that he was married, and on a fucking honeymoon in Italy.
Mat also wondered whether Colleen's life had drowned in the dullness, and he hoped for it. But then she always had the miraculous ability to not even notice that sort of thing.
It's her fault. If she'd have stayed with me, I'd still have a girlfriend, and I'd still have Dan, too.
Interesting how things could be interlinked that way, Mat pondered, staring outside unseeingly. He had carefully tried to balance everything and keep the whole construction in an upright position - and the moment one component wavered and fell down, everything was dragged along.
For idiots. Just for idiots.
"Mat."
Mat nearly jumped, already halfway turned around when two firm hands stopped him and gently started rubbing his shoulders.
Mat stiffened up. "Gil. What the hell?"
He really thought Gil had been asleep - Mat was pretty positive Gil had passed out not long after they'd gone to bed, judging by the deep breaths from the other bed that had been the only constant sound in the room ever since he'd started lying awake - not that he'd noticed much of it anymore after his own thoughts had grown louder and louder.
"I thought perhaps I could help you relax some."
"Just go to sleep," Mat grumbled.
"I could ask you what's bothering you..."
"Well, you wouldn't get a fucking answer." Really, who did Gil think he was? The new guy, that's who he was. He didn't have a clue what was going on, that Dan running off and getting married wasn't just a coincidence and that neither was his miserable mood.
"I know you wouldn't." Gil didn't sound as triumphant as he could've, but - guarded. A bit sleepy, too. "That's why I'm gonna help you relax. I know you're tired and want to go to sleep."
Fingers dug into his shoulders more insistently and with a sigh that Mat knew sounded perfectly as annoyed and tense as he felt, he allowed it. Strong thumbs rubbed up his neck and Mat obediently let his head fall forward a bit, eyes closing.
Fucking awkward, Gil. Giving me a shoulder rub in the middle of the night. Thank you very fucking much, just what I needed. Not.
When Gil turned him around after a few minutes, Mat thoughtlessly obeyed to this maneuvering as well, and looked at the vague shape of man standing in front of him in the dark room.
Gil's accented voice was soft. "Go lie down on your bed, Mat."
"Look, Gil-"
Mat nearly recoiled in surprised as suddenly, Gil's arms wrapped around him, and dreads were pushed into the side of his face when the other's voice sounded softly next to his ear. "I said lie down. I'm going to take care of you."
"I don't need..." Mat's voice died down when he felt the firm pressure of lips just below his ear.
He wanted to say no to this. He really did. For one because he didn't need anyone to 'take care' of him, for two because he'd slept with enough guitarists in his own band and he was really sort of done with it. One of them had left, and the other, well, he might as well have left too.
But when Gil walked him towards the bed all Mat managed to do was considerably work up his heart rate, his eyes falling closed. And the mere thought of putting up resistance faded when, after he had let himself be pushed backwards onto the bed, his boxers were pulled down and a warm mouth engulfed his cock.
"Fuck," Mat gasped, stunned at how fast Gil was getting down to business, sucking him hard and bobbing his head up and down. "God, Gil..." Mat really tried to keep that tinge of despair out of his voice. Did Gil have any idea that he was just next in line? Sexual favors had basically used to be part of the job description - back when Mat hadn't figured out yet that that was asking for trouble. Back when Mat hadn't figured out yet that he could fall for a man as well as for a woman.
"Stay here and wait," Gil ordered after just as suddenly popping his lips off Mat's cock.
Mat whined softly. He'd been getting close already, and he wanted that - fast and brainless and please just get this over with. "Gil..."
"Just a second."
Gil walked over to his own bed and Mat heard some rustling - Mat had a good idea what Gil was looking for.
"Who says I am fucking you, Gil?" Mat said quietly. "If you won't just get me off, I will." He wrapped his hand around his cock, his strokes fast, his heart a frustrating sort of empty as he willed himself to get off before Gil interfered.
But when Gil returned, Mat hadn't come yet and his hand was pulled away from his cock. "You don't have to fuck me. I'll fuck you."
After a short, stunned silence, Mat uttered a short, hollow laugh. "What the fuck? Gil. You're not fucking me."
Mat's heart was up in his throat when suddenly, the other man was on top of him, bigger body resting fully on top of his own, Gil's voice in his ear - still soft but with a hint of a growl to it now. "Look, Mat. Only a fool wouldn't notice your heart has been broken to fucking pieces. I know - you don't need to say anything. You basically ooze how much you need someone to fuck all thoughts out of your mind. That's what I'm offering."
Mat couldn't even answer, the words making his insides contract with the emotion that he'd tried so carefully to shut out. His mind was still stuck on how fucking dare he call me out on it, when he felt the coolness of a slick finger press against his entrance. It slipped inside of him.
Mat's body arched with something that was almost a sob. "Jesus, Gil..." he begged, though he wasn't even sure why he was begging - for mercy, most likely, though he wasn't sure in what form.
After a few moments of slowly sliding in and out, second finger pushed inside of him. "You're gonna feel so much better, Mat... you know it."
Mat didn't answer, for one because no, he didn't know it, and for two because his attention was on the intrusion of his body, waiting for himself to put a stop to this. He waited still when the fingers withdrew from his body, and he heard the sound of a condom wrapper being torn, and Gil leaned over him.
He was so close... so very close to telling Gil to stop - which of course he would, and on the very last moment too, to frustrate Gil as much as possible -or something-, and yet his mouth didn't form the words.
He ended up not uttering a syllable, yet couldn't stop the desperate little cry from his lips when Gil's cock sank into his body. Mat's breath came in short pants when he was stretched too far at once, feeling frustrated and in pain and fucking sorry for himself, but, so he realised while he gritted his teeth, at least grateful that Gil didn't know that he didn't bottom. Ever. Gil didn't need to know that. Actually, this was just perfect. Because it hurt fucking badly, like being madly in love, something that he wasn't supposed to ever do either, and that had ended in nothing but hurt too.
"Jesus, Mat, relax," Gil breathed into his ear, breaking Mat's train of thought.
Mat tried to follow Gil's suggestion only because he still really didn't want Gil to know that having something up his ass had only ever happened before when he was really drunk - too drunk to say no, too drunk to remember.
"Shhhh." Gil's lips touched his face, his lips.
Mat turned his face away and whimpered quietly when Gil started moving, just gently, too fucking gently. "Fuck me," Mat muttered breathlessly into the pillow. It sounded not quite sincere, and rather pitiful, even to his own ears.
"I'm hurting you."
"I like it that way." Still not very convincing.
Gil sighed. He shifted, supporting himself on one lean arm as his other hand reached down, warm fingers playing over Mat's cock, which was not quite hard anymore, then wrapping around him, stroking.
Mat refused to utter a sound - if Gil wanted this so badly then fine, he could have it, and try to make it feel good for him but he didn't fucking care.
That thought changed when Gil's cock suddenly pressed into his prostate. He gasped before he remembered to bite back the sound, but it was too late to bother anyway because of a sudden Gil seemed to have decided to go along with Mat's wishes and started fucking him. Pain and an unfamiliar sort of pleasure blocked off the rest of Mat's senses, making him arch and cry out and his fingertips dug into Gil's back in a desperate attempt to hold on to something. "Oh... oh oh oh..."
Gil was absolutely right. It wasn't until his body was coming down from shaking and his blood was buzzing through his veins and ears and his come was all over his stomach, and Gil had finally, finally stopped pounding into his sore body that the first thought popped up again in Mat's mind. Oh holy fucking fuck.
One by one his senses started functioning again. It was so dark he could still hardly see. The smell of sex in his nostrils. Gil was breathing hard, as hard as he was breathing himself. A whimper escaped his mouth when the presence inside his body was suddenly gone. Gil slowly let himself collapse on the bed beside Mat, soft fingers almost hesitantly exploring Mat's chest, stroking his skin.
For a little while, Mat let him. Then he pulled himself together. "Get out of my bed, Gil. Let me go to sleep."
"Okay, Mat."
Gil slipped out of his bed, and Mat couldn't quite make out whether the other man was smug or simply compliant.
Ever fucking mention this again, and you're out of my band.
That's what Mat wanted to say. But he didn't. He turned onto his side and passed out into a deep, immediate sleep, knowing in a faraway part of his mind that the next day would provide ample opportunity for his thoughts to haunt him again.