(no subject)
Title: The other side
Author: Las
Pairing: Well, if you insist, I’m sure you could imagine Jonny and Mat getting it on, but that’s not the point.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jonny meets the most important person of his life.
Author’s notes: I rewrote an old fic into this new version. Yes, it used to be in the Finn Fandom (so it will be familiar to some), but I’ve rewritten it to fit a new set of characters, and removed some of the things that bugged me in the original version.
This is one of my favourite self-written fics still, I hope it will be well-received. :)
Warnings: Theme of this fic is death, it’s rather heavy. Also, drug (ab)use.
Beta by the lovely xspitefulangelx. All remaining mistakes are mine. :)
--------------------
The music is too loud.
Jonny was struggling through the thick crowd of people in the club, away from the arms grabbing at him and the smiles that all wanted his attention or failed to see him at all. He passed by the guards blindly. The outside air made his skin tingle and made his arms automatically wrap around his shaking body. He walked, away from the sounds and the smells, alone for a moment. The world didn’t look like he was used to - but maybe that was because his body didn’t feel like he was used to either…
------------------
What am I doing here?
There was someone on the other side of the street. Hidden as gray amongst gray, between blurry cars and houses, trees basking in their own deep shadows. Jonny stood motionless as he willed his restless eyes to find focus.
Just a moment ago, wind and wet and cold had attempted to wake him from his hazy state of mind. Half a thought to go back inside the club had presented itself, but as if it was meant for his feet to take him here, he’d stopped to recognise another presence. That’s how it felt - unavoidable. Significant.
Somehow, someone was there just for him.
The other person moved. Jonny could feel the floating vibrations that were left in the other’s wake and extended towards him at the same time. A cloud of ripples in the sky that almost hurt his tired brain. He tilted his head and closed his eyes, outstretching his numb fingers, but there was nothing to feel. Still, the other had stopped now, so close that Jonny thought he could hear his soft breathing in the deep silence that had engulfed them. Yes, it was a man... someone that he somehow felt he should have already recognised.
“What are you doing?” A soft, familiar voice asked him.
Jonny opened his eyes with a start, to look into a young, smiling face.
...a mirror? Why am I smiling?
Jonny stared at his own features, just as he did every day, while he was fussing over his hair and makeup until he convinced himself he looked presentable enough to venture into the day, ignoring the fact that the circles under his eyes and his hollow cheeks ruined his looks either way. He was ugly now. He never looked himself in the eye anymore.
His mirror image’s appearance was sparkling and perfect, eyeliner still in place and his hair neatly falling around his thin face.
Guess I can still look good, Jonny thought fuzzily. That’s something.
“Jonny?”
The soft voice found its origin on the perfectly rosy lips so wrongly placed in his own face. It was his own voice. Jonny couldn’t bring himself to answer or say anything in return, his brain making a sudden leap into the conviction that if he spoke, he would find out he was the one not really existing. What were the chances of meeting yourself out there?
If he is me, then who am I? Wait.
Jonny got distracted by the movement of the ground under his feet. Only now did he notice that while he’d been staring at himself, the gray around him had gone, and he was back in the dark street where he’d been walking after he left the club. For a moment he forgot all about his companion, as he looked around and his vision started tilting over - he squeezed his eyes shut, his head spinning, his feet suddenly unstable under his body and unable to save his balance. A cry fell from his lips.
“Hey, easy there,” his own voice told him with a hint of reprimand. A hand reached out to take his arm, holding him upright until the floor slowly stabilised itself.
Jonny breathed hard, his heart pounding in his ears. He vaguely wondered if he’d have drowned in the ground if he’d fallen over, realising a moment later that thought was absurd, but somehow it didn’t even seem that strange an idea. His eyes slowly opened again, scared of what they might find in the unstable world around him, but Jonny - the other Jonny, if he was still Jonny himself - blocked his view.
“You coming back inside with me?”
Jonny ran his tongue quickly over his suddenly dry lips, the logical question making him lose his guard for a short moment, and break his silence. “Why?” He cringed a little when he heard the voice coming from his own lips, now that he had finally spoken and to some extent proved himself real - his voice was hoarse and not by far as pleasant as the one coming from his mirror image. But it was his own voice too, as far as he could tell.
Still Jonny. So happy. Not.
“It’s cold.”
Jonny tried to feel it, and through some far off impression of senses realised that the other was most likely to be right. Even if he wasn’t sure why it mattered. He gave a little nod. They locked hands, and Jonny shivered as he felt that the other’s hand was at least much warmer than his. And so soft. “It’s raining,” he agreed as he let his mirror image lead him down the street. There were people out, but no one looked at them, which made Jonny glad.
We’d look weird together. They wouldn’t understand. People never do. But this is good.
The other Jonny shook his head without looking over his shoulder, pulling him along. “It’s not rain, it’s snow.”
“Oh,” Jonny replied with a little frown. He cast one quick look back at the street before the warmth and music off the club washed over him. The other Jonny looked back at him and smiled a warm, happy smile. It made him even more beautiful. Jonny felt fuzzy again. Fuzzy? He frowned a little, for a short moment very aware that his brain seemed clogged by a thick mist, keeping something from him, some knowledge, just out of his reach.
But a moment later he forgot all about it, as they passed by the people inside effortlessly, everyone seemingly making room for them without paying attention. He looked for the spot where he remembered Greg and his girl had been standing, and then looked if Dan was still at the bar, and - he was suddenly desperate for someone, anyone familiar to reassure him he was okay - he even looked around for Mat, who he knew would be too preoccupied to cast him another glance for the rest of the night anyway. But there was no one he knew.
During Jonny’s attempt to recognise anyone, the other Jonny had moved really close, pressing soft lips against his ear. “You don’t need them here. They won’t even look out for you anymore.”
“No...” Jonny agreed quietly, suddenly feeling sad. He’d have thought they’d have let him know if they were leaving, at least Dan usually looked for him, but maybe he’d been outside too long. So everyone left without him.
Don’t really care anymore. Shouldn’t, anyway. I understand why they don’t want me.
“It’s okay, Jonny. I promise. I will look out for you.” Those intense, blue eyes told of nothing but concerned truth.
Jonny sighed. “Okay,” he agreed.
“Here.” His mirror image smiled again as he offered a small pill on his upturned palm. It blinked an innocent white.
Jonny reached to take it without thought, but his hand stopped mid-way. “I-I already had too much. I think.” A little frown appeared on his forehead as he looked at the other and tried to remember whatever it was that he took, but he couldn’t even recall whether what he’d taken was from Mat’s stash or anyone else’s. Didn’t he talk to some other guy?
Too much... Jess always told me not to. But why should I still care?
The other Jonny shook his head. “This will make you fly. It’s going to be fine, Jonny. I promise.”
The other man was so warm and stunning and happy. With those eyes looking at him, Jonny couldn’t say no. He nodded obediently, took a deep breath, then swallowed the pill whole even though his throat was almost too dry. He had wanted to fly for forever. So badly. What did one more matter in the whole of things?
There was a short flash of freezing cold that took his breath away, then Jonny felt hands reaching for him, slowly drawing him closer, into those warm arms, warm breath on his skin. With a start, he tensed up.
God, no. Not again.
Soft lips kissed his neck. “Don’t worry so much, Jonny... please,” the other murmured.
Jonny offered a last moment of struggle but couldn’t, the words reached too deep, as if they were spoken inside of his head instead of outside. There was only the rhythm of the music, far off, and the body almost melting with his own.
Not Mat. Not Mat. No. This is me. If I can’t trust this perfect me, then who?
A little smile found its way onto his lips.
“You love me,” Jonny whispered in wonder as slowly the feeling soaked into his heart along with understanding. This mirror image loved him, would look out for him. He believed it. Slowly and steadily the love radiating from the other man surrounded him and wrapped him up in a warm bath of the most intense feeling he had ever felt. He breathed it in. He clung to it. It was warm and deep and made him so, so ready to just give in, go along with wherever this feeling would take him.
He became aware of this vague sensation of someone crying, tears rolling down a numb face in a world far away.
Maybe it’s me? Am I crying? I’m crying.
“Shh Jonny.... shhhh, I’m here.” The arms tightened around him even more, rocking him.
The words made Jonny tremble, and the intensity of the feelings provoked in him turned his silent tears to sobs. It hurt.
What’s happening with me?
…why doesn’t Jess love me? Why doesn’t Mat love me? Why can’t they anymore?
A sudden fear paralysed Jonny as his knees weakened, the support of his legs almost faltering once more. “Please... please stay with me... oh god...”
But arms held him up. “I’m here,” the other offered softly. “I love you, Jonny.”
“I...I love you too...” Jonny choked out. He couldn’t help but feel that way, return the love he felt was being offered so freely. He breathed in deeply, seeking air to provide strength to his shaking body. A hand caressed his hair, then there was a soft whisper.
“Open your eyes, ninja.”
Jonny opened his eyes, surprised at the familiar endearment, a small gasp falling from his lips as he eyed the world around him. “What...?”
He was flying. They both were. Floating. The other version of himself touched his cheek, forced Jonny’s eyes back on his own. The other Jonny looked sad now, causing a heavy, foreboding feeling to grow in the pit of his stomach. After a little sigh from the rosy lips that had lost their smile, fingers took his chin and turned his gaze to the right.
Light. Bright, white light.
Jonny opened his lips in a silent gasp. “Is... is that where we are going?”
“It’s where you are going.”
Jonny looked down at his feet, and saw them moving, step after step after step, following an invisible path towards the bright radiance that beckoned him. “But...”
…this must be death. Is it? But he couldn’t recall how he got here.
“Wait...wait! Why? Why are we going there?” Jonny’s voice trembled with a sudden fear. He tried to grab for anything of the image of the other frail man to hold on to, put some force behind his words, but his fingers slipped away. The arms were still around him, but unreachable.
“You are going there because you are walking towards it.”
It was an infuriating answer, but not less true. He was walking, and he wasn’t stopping. He wasn’t even trying. “But... how the hell...?” he choked out.
“You took yourself to this road, Jonny.”
“I didn’t mean to die!”
The other was silent. Slowly, Jonny bowed his head and closed his eyes, faced with the cold truth. He didn’t mean to - but he remembered the words from Dan’s lips not long ago - had it been today? You’re going to kill yourself, Jonny! This isn’t a game.
Still, he had seen little reason why the words should bother him. At least this way he’d be something to Mat, some reason to still be noticed. Someone to get fucked up with, stoned out of his head.
Did I really take that much?
“Oh Jonny...”
The other man’s whisper caressed his thoughts like a soft breeze, and Jonny’s eyes stung at how intense his name felt when spoken by his own voice. You hurt for me. I... I hurt for you, too, you know. I fucked up for both of us.
It was a mere thought he received in return, but one joined by more emotion than words ever could express. It’s alright, Jonny. I still love you.
“Are we dying together?”
“Yes.”
Jonny’s voice dropped to something half a thought, half a whisper. “Will you...will you stay with me?”
“Always.” Until nothing remains of us.
Deep grief washed over Jonny, a sense of loss that had nothing to with leaving behind a world that hadn’t felt like it offered a home in a long time. “I didn’t know I had you. Perhaps I’d still live for you.”
There was no reply anymore. As the light neared, blinding his eyes and warming him inside, the other Jonny slowly stepped forward, right into him.
Love you.
Jonny sucked in a deep breath, shocked, trembling. “You’re...you’re me. You really are me. I get it. You’re me. Can I go back? I need to... I need to know what to do.” Do I want to die? Can I stop this? “Help me!” Just a second away.
Jonny stopped his feet, dug his heels in the imaginary ground... and came to a halt.
An image flashed through his mind. A young man on the street, collapsed on the ground, eyeliner smudged, soft snowflakes in his hair and melting on his cheeks. His lips had turned a disturbing shade of purple-blue.
…
When Jonny opened his eyes, he was standing on an open desert road. A soft gush of wind brought the deep smells of dry earth, sweet, unfamiliar spices. The sky overhead wide and empty. The ground under his feet a deep brown-red, and solid.
One way was the light, softly shimmering now. On the other side, nothing. The unknown that he was so afraid to venture in now that he was on his own. He'd tried to ignore the feeling, but the truth was, he'd never felt so abandoned before.
I’m not on my own now, am I?
He recalled the boy on the cold street. But I hurt, there. Have nothing. He turned back to the light, addressing the presence he still felt lingering within him.
Who are you? Do I know you?
You’re me. I still care.
Why?
Just because.
Do you want me to go back?
I just want to love you.
Jonny nodded, the answer providing him with a sad sort of understanding - in a way, he was free in a way he’d never had been before. But at this very moment, the world that had abandoned him was now breaking down his chains.
Maybe it’s time.
Maybe it’s not. I’d live for me.
I’m tired of hurting, of losing. Of being alone.
He stood there, staring, one way, then the other and finally at nothing at all. Do I have forever?
A ripple went through the earth.
Fuck.
The world moved, started to tremble and tilt. Pushing him over. Jonny wavered, trying to keep his feet steady. He recalled how it felt, recalled it exactly. And there was no one to catch him this time. If I fall, I’ll drown...!
He yelled in panic and grabbed at the dirt when he toppled over, the stones and little rocks, biting at his skin, cutting into his hands, breaking his nails.
It was a deep fall, and a hard one.
...
“He’s breathing!”
Pain. Pain. Sick. Cold. Pain. Numb. Hurt. Die, die, please die. I want to die.
He retched, convulsions making his body spasm. He coughed helplessly, his body fighting for air. Pain. Please. Stop. Make it stop. I can’t do this.
“Shit, watch out!”
Hands rolled him on his side, a small trickle of the most horrible taste dripping from his dry mouth.
Familiar voice. “Gimme your coat, he’s cold as ice!”
A girl. “Oh god what did he take?!”
Same voice again. “Jonny, can you hear me?”
Another man. “Where’s that fucking ambulance?”
A snicker. “I told you that boy was going downhill.”
The voices went on, but through his pain and discomfort Jonny heard a voice that drew his attention, blocking out everything else his senses told him. It was a very, very soft whisper from a little distance away. “Jonny… Jon… don’t die on me, please. I’m so sorry, I’ll pray if I have to, I’ll even beg… just… you gotta stay alive….”
A siren and flashlights came speeding around the corner, and a moment later more hands were pulling at him, moving his cold and stiff body.
Jonny gave a broken moan.
The whispers had turned into soothing words.
Jonny quietly floated away.
No dying for me today.
Maybe it’s best this way.
Maybe.
The end.
Author: Las
Pairing: Well, if you insist, I’m sure you could imagine Jonny and Mat getting it on, but that’s not the point.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Jonny meets the most important person of his life.
Author’s notes: I rewrote an old fic into this new version. Yes, it used to be in the Finn Fandom (so it will be familiar to some), but I’ve rewritten it to fit a new set of characters, and removed some of the things that bugged me in the original version.
This is one of my favourite self-written fics still, I hope it will be well-received. :)
Warnings: Theme of this fic is death, it’s rather heavy. Also, drug (ab)use.
Beta by the lovely xspitefulangelx. All remaining mistakes are mine. :)
--------------------
The music is too loud.
Jonny was struggling through the thick crowd of people in the club, away from the arms grabbing at him and the smiles that all wanted his attention or failed to see him at all. He passed by the guards blindly. The outside air made his skin tingle and made his arms automatically wrap around his shaking body. He walked, away from the sounds and the smells, alone for a moment. The world didn’t look like he was used to - but maybe that was because his body didn’t feel like he was used to either…
------------------
What am I doing here?
There was someone on the other side of the street. Hidden as gray amongst gray, between blurry cars and houses, trees basking in their own deep shadows. Jonny stood motionless as he willed his restless eyes to find focus.
Just a moment ago, wind and wet and cold had attempted to wake him from his hazy state of mind. Half a thought to go back inside the club had presented itself, but as if it was meant for his feet to take him here, he’d stopped to recognise another presence. That’s how it felt - unavoidable. Significant.
Somehow, someone was there just for him.
The other person moved. Jonny could feel the floating vibrations that were left in the other’s wake and extended towards him at the same time. A cloud of ripples in the sky that almost hurt his tired brain. He tilted his head and closed his eyes, outstretching his numb fingers, but there was nothing to feel. Still, the other had stopped now, so close that Jonny thought he could hear his soft breathing in the deep silence that had engulfed them. Yes, it was a man... someone that he somehow felt he should have already recognised.
“What are you doing?” A soft, familiar voice asked him.
Jonny opened his eyes with a start, to look into a young, smiling face.
...a mirror? Why am I smiling?
Jonny stared at his own features, just as he did every day, while he was fussing over his hair and makeup until he convinced himself he looked presentable enough to venture into the day, ignoring the fact that the circles under his eyes and his hollow cheeks ruined his looks either way. He was ugly now. He never looked himself in the eye anymore.
His mirror image’s appearance was sparkling and perfect, eyeliner still in place and his hair neatly falling around his thin face.
Guess I can still look good, Jonny thought fuzzily. That’s something.
“Jonny?”
The soft voice found its origin on the perfectly rosy lips so wrongly placed in his own face. It was his own voice. Jonny couldn’t bring himself to answer or say anything in return, his brain making a sudden leap into the conviction that if he spoke, he would find out he was the one not really existing. What were the chances of meeting yourself out there?
If he is me, then who am I? Wait.
Jonny got distracted by the movement of the ground under his feet. Only now did he notice that while he’d been staring at himself, the gray around him had gone, and he was back in the dark street where he’d been walking after he left the club. For a moment he forgot all about his companion, as he looked around and his vision started tilting over - he squeezed his eyes shut, his head spinning, his feet suddenly unstable under his body and unable to save his balance. A cry fell from his lips.
“Hey, easy there,” his own voice told him with a hint of reprimand. A hand reached out to take his arm, holding him upright until the floor slowly stabilised itself.
Jonny breathed hard, his heart pounding in his ears. He vaguely wondered if he’d have drowned in the ground if he’d fallen over, realising a moment later that thought was absurd, but somehow it didn’t even seem that strange an idea. His eyes slowly opened again, scared of what they might find in the unstable world around him, but Jonny - the other Jonny, if he was still Jonny himself - blocked his view.
“You coming back inside with me?”
Jonny ran his tongue quickly over his suddenly dry lips, the logical question making him lose his guard for a short moment, and break his silence. “Why?” He cringed a little when he heard the voice coming from his own lips, now that he had finally spoken and to some extent proved himself real - his voice was hoarse and not by far as pleasant as the one coming from his mirror image. But it was his own voice too, as far as he could tell.
Still Jonny. So happy. Not.
“It’s cold.”
Jonny tried to feel it, and through some far off impression of senses realised that the other was most likely to be right. Even if he wasn’t sure why it mattered. He gave a little nod. They locked hands, and Jonny shivered as he felt that the other’s hand was at least much warmer than his. And so soft. “It’s raining,” he agreed as he let his mirror image lead him down the street. There were people out, but no one looked at them, which made Jonny glad.
We’d look weird together. They wouldn’t understand. People never do. But this is good.
The other Jonny shook his head without looking over his shoulder, pulling him along. “It’s not rain, it’s snow.”
“Oh,” Jonny replied with a little frown. He cast one quick look back at the street before the warmth and music off the club washed over him. The other Jonny looked back at him and smiled a warm, happy smile. It made him even more beautiful. Jonny felt fuzzy again. Fuzzy? He frowned a little, for a short moment very aware that his brain seemed clogged by a thick mist, keeping something from him, some knowledge, just out of his reach.
But a moment later he forgot all about it, as they passed by the people inside effortlessly, everyone seemingly making room for them without paying attention. He looked for the spot where he remembered Greg and his girl had been standing, and then looked if Dan was still at the bar, and - he was suddenly desperate for someone, anyone familiar to reassure him he was okay - he even looked around for Mat, who he knew would be too preoccupied to cast him another glance for the rest of the night anyway. But there was no one he knew.
During Jonny’s attempt to recognise anyone, the other Jonny had moved really close, pressing soft lips against his ear. “You don’t need them here. They won’t even look out for you anymore.”
“No...” Jonny agreed quietly, suddenly feeling sad. He’d have thought they’d have let him know if they were leaving, at least Dan usually looked for him, but maybe he’d been outside too long. So everyone left without him.
Don’t really care anymore. Shouldn’t, anyway. I understand why they don’t want me.
“It’s okay, Jonny. I promise. I will look out for you.” Those intense, blue eyes told of nothing but concerned truth.
Jonny sighed. “Okay,” he agreed.
“Here.” His mirror image smiled again as he offered a small pill on his upturned palm. It blinked an innocent white.
Jonny reached to take it without thought, but his hand stopped mid-way. “I-I already had too much. I think.” A little frown appeared on his forehead as he looked at the other and tried to remember whatever it was that he took, but he couldn’t even recall whether what he’d taken was from Mat’s stash or anyone else’s. Didn’t he talk to some other guy?
Too much... Jess always told me not to. But why should I still care?
The other Jonny shook his head. “This will make you fly. It’s going to be fine, Jonny. I promise.”
The other man was so warm and stunning and happy. With those eyes looking at him, Jonny couldn’t say no. He nodded obediently, took a deep breath, then swallowed the pill whole even though his throat was almost too dry. He had wanted to fly for forever. So badly. What did one more matter in the whole of things?
There was a short flash of freezing cold that took his breath away, then Jonny felt hands reaching for him, slowly drawing him closer, into those warm arms, warm breath on his skin. With a start, he tensed up.
God, no. Not again.
Soft lips kissed his neck. “Don’t worry so much, Jonny... please,” the other murmured.
Jonny offered a last moment of struggle but couldn’t, the words reached too deep, as if they were spoken inside of his head instead of outside. There was only the rhythm of the music, far off, and the body almost melting with his own.
Not Mat. Not Mat. No. This is me. If I can’t trust this perfect me, then who?
A little smile found its way onto his lips.
“You love me,” Jonny whispered in wonder as slowly the feeling soaked into his heart along with understanding. This mirror image loved him, would look out for him. He believed it. Slowly and steadily the love radiating from the other man surrounded him and wrapped him up in a warm bath of the most intense feeling he had ever felt. He breathed it in. He clung to it. It was warm and deep and made him so, so ready to just give in, go along with wherever this feeling would take him.
He became aware of this vague sensation of someone crying, tears rolling down a numb face in a world far away.
Maybe it’s me? Am I crying? I’m crying.
“Shh Jonny.... shhhh, I’m here.” The arms tightened around him even more, rocking him.
The words made Jonny tremble, and the intensity of the feelings provoked in him turned his silent tears to sobs. It hurt.
What’s happening with me?
…why doesn’t Jess love me? Why doesn’t Mat love me? Why can’t they anymore?
A sudden fear paralysed Jonny as his knees weakened, the support of his legs almost faltering once more. “Please... please stay with me... oh god...”
But arms held him up. “I’m here,” the other offered softly. “I love you, Jonny.”
“I...I love you too...” Jonny choked out. He couldn’t help but feel that way, return the love he felt was being offered so freely. He breathed in deeply, seeking air to provide strength to his shaking body. A hand caressed his hair, then there was a soft whisper.
“Open your eyes, ninja.”
Jonny opened his eyes, surprised at the familiar endearment, a small gasp falling from his lips as he eyed the world around him. “What...?”
He was flying. They both were. Floating. The other version of himself touched his cheek, forced Jonny’s eyes back on his own. The other Jonny looked sad now, causing a heavy, foreboding feeling to grow in the pit of his stomach. After a little sigh from the rosy lips that had lost their smile, fingers took his chin and turned his gaze to the right.
Light. Bright, white light.
Jonny opened his lips in a silent gasp. “Is... is that where we are going?”
“It’s where you are going.”
Jonny looked down at his feet, and saw them moving, step after step after step, following an invisible path towards the bright radiance that beckoned him. “But...”
…this must be death. Is it? But he couldn’t recall how he got here.
“Wait...wait! Why? Why are we going there?” Jonny’s voice trembled with a sudden fear. He tried to grab for anything of the image of the other frail man to hold on to, put some force behind his words, but his fingers slipped away. The arms were still around him, but unreachable.
“You are going there because you are walking towards it.”
It was an infuriating answer, but not less true. He was walking, and he wasn’t stopping. He wasn’t even trying. “But... how the hell...?” he choked out.
“You took yourself to this road, Jonny.”
“I didn’t mean to die!”
The other was silent. Slowly, Jonny bowed his head and closed his eyes, faced with the cold truth. He didn’t mean to - but he remembered the words from Dan’s lips not long ago - had it been today? You’re going to kill yourself, Jonny! This isn’t a game.
Still, he had seen little reason why the words should bother him. At least this way he’d be something to Mat, some reason to still be noticed. Someone to get fucked up with, stoned out of his head.
Did I really take that much?
“Oh Jonny...”
The other man’s whisper caressed his thoughts like a soft breeze, and Jonny’s eyes stung at how intense his name felt when spoken by his own voice. You hurt for me. I... I hurt for you, too, you know. I fucked up for both of us.
It was a mere thought he received in return, but one joined by more emotion than words ever could express. It’s alright, Jonny. I still love you.
“Are we dying together?”
“Yes.”
Jonny’s voice dropped to something half a thought, half a whisper. “Will you...will you stay with me?”
“Always.” Until nothing remains of us.
Deep grief washed over Jonny, a sense of loss that had nothing to with leaving behind a world that hadn’t felt like it offered a home in a long time. “I didn’t know I had you. Perhaps I’d still live for you.”
There was no reply anymore. As the light neared, blinding his eyes and warming him inside, the other Jonny slowly stepped forward, right into him.
Love you.
Jonny sucked in a deep breath, shocked, trembling. “You’re...you’re me. You really are me. I get it. You’re me. Can I go back? I need to... I need to know what to do.” Do I want to die? Can I stop this? “Help me!” Just a second away.
Jonny stopped his feet, dug his heels in the imaginary ground... and came to a halt.
An image flashed through his mind. A young man on the street, collapsed on the ground, eyeliner smudged, soft snowflakes in his hair and melting on his cheeks. His lips had turned a disturbing shade of purple-blue.
…
When Jonny opened his eyes, he was standing on an open desert road. A soft gush of wind brought the deep smells of dry earth, sweet, unfamiliar spices. The sky overhead wide and empty. The ground under his feet a deep brown-red, and solid.
One way was the light, softly shimmering now. On the other side, nothing. The unknown that he was so afraid to venture in now that he was on his own. He'd tried to ignore the feeling, but the truth was, he'd never felt so abandoned before.
I’m not on my own now, am I?
He recalled the boy on the cold street. But I hurt, there. Have nothing. He turned back to the light, addressing the presence he still felt lingering within him.
Who are you? Do I know you?
You’re me. I still care.
Why?
Just because.
Do you want me to go back?
I just want to love you.
Jonny nodded, the answer providing him with a sad sort of understanding - in a way, he was free in a way he’d never had been before. But at this very moment, the world that had abandoned him was now breaking down his chains.
Maybe it’s time.
Maybe it’s not. I’d live for me.
I’m tired of hurting, of losing. Of being alone.
He stood there, staring, one way, then the other and finally at nothing at all. Do I have forever?
A ripple went through the earth.
Fuck.
The world moved, started to tremble and tilt. Pushing him over. Jonny wavered, trying to keep his feet steady. He recalled how it felt, recalled it exactly. And there was no one to catch him this time. If I fall, I’ll drown...!
He yelled in panic and grabbed at the dirt when he toppled over, the stones and little rocks, biting at his skin, cutting into his hands, breaking his nails.
It was a deep fall, and a hard one.
...
“He’s breathing!”
Pain. Pain. Sick. Cold. Pain. Numb. Hurt. Die, die, please die. I want to die.
He retched, convulsions making his body spasm. He coughed helplessly, his body fighting for air. Pain. Please. Stop. Make it stop. I can’t do this.
“Shit, watch out!”
Hands rolled him on his side, a small trickle of the most horrible taste dripping from his dry mouth.
Familiar voice. “Gimme your coat, he’s cold as ice!”
A girl. “Oh god what did he take?!”
Same voice again. “Jonny, can you hear me?”
Another man. “Where’s that fucking ambulance?”
A snicker. “I told you that boy was going downhill.”
The voices went on, but through his pain and discomfort Jonny heard a voice that drew his attention, blocking out everything else his senses told him. It was a very, very soft whisper from a little distance away. “Jonny… Jon… don’t die on me, please. I’m so sorry, I’ll pray if I have to, I’ll even beg… just… you gotta stay alive….”
A siren and flashlights came speeding around the corner, and a moment later more hands were pulling at him, moving his cold and stiff body.
Jonny gave a broken moan.
The whispers had turned into soothing words.
Jonny quietly floated away.
No dying for me today.
Maybe it’s best this way.
Maybe.
The end.