Kill Hannah one-shot
Title: Only the strong survive
Author: Las
Pairing: Dan/Jonny
Rating: PG-13… ish?
Summary: Jonny decides his journey with Kill Hannah must end, but leaves more than the band broken.
Disclaimed: Not real, make no money. Easy as that.
Author’s notes: This was written to serve as some form of ‘therapy’ for a situation I was faced with in the past few days, which means that it’s emotional and starts out rather dark. Most of all I feel it’s important to mention I didn’t write this with any present situation of the Kill Hannah boys in mind. This is in no way a ‘what if’ latching onto any rumors. I’m not looking for comments that worry their head off about someone actually leaving the band - if that theme upsets you a lot, consider not reading this one.
But otherwise, please read and comment!
-----------------
It all went far too fast.
When we returned from Europe, Jonny had closed off from us - physically still there but the Jonny I’d always known hidden beneath shielded eyes. He didn’t look very well. Pale, thin, nothing quite out of the ordinary, but with that sparkle in his personality gone, all the more worrying.
I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I guess I felt something coming all the while, as the days after our return passed and we met up with him only to be missing out on half of him, not matter what we tried. No matter what I tried. But nothing of it truly reached my higher brain functions, I didn’t extrapolate his weird behaviour to him possibly leaving the band. It crossed my mind, briefly - but he’d have talked to me about it. We’d discussed such things before. I couldn’t believe he’d leave without having spoken to me about it first, and as such, I figured he just needed some time to himself, to get used to us being on the same continent again. Then, when he entrusted me with the fact that he’d had an unfortunate and sudden break-up with Jess, I blamed everything on that… even if the situation didn’t get any better that night, since Jonny was still restless and closed off despite my attempts to comfort him.
After six days he finally set us, the band, down. Still firmly in denial, I looked at his thin and sad face, nervous but keeping it to myself, convincing myself to put a little faith in him. He met all of our eyes briefly. “Guys… I need to tell you something. I’ve been thinking a lot while you guys were gone, and I realised that I can’t go on like this anymore, it’s like I’m slowly killing myself. I feel my journey with this band has ended. It breaks my heart, but I’ve made up my mind.”
My heart had started anxiously fluttering, a cold sweat breaking out over my skin as he uttered his obviously practise little speech, rambled out too fast. He tried to meet my eyes again, finally a shimmer of the real Jonny in there, but I couldn’t do it. I was paralysed. Shocked. My brain stalled, and he hugged all of us, though I turned my face away, too hurt to even face him. Mat argued a bit, realised it was futile, and then cried, which made Jonny cry, and Elias’ eyes watered and Greg looked sad, but my heart’s cry silently reverberated inside my chest only, my face turning into stone. Fuck you, Jonny. Fuck you.
We went outside then, me still ignoring Jonny’s eyes on me, and not sure where we were headed either, as I’d missed all conversation. My eyes blankly focused on Jonny’s back as he walked tucked into Mat’s side. It was too much. “I’m going,” I muttered, and without waiting for any reaction, and without looking back, I turned in the other direction. I left a trail of invisible bleeding from a broken heart behind me.
“Dan…” It was Greg who had come after me, before I’d reached the end of the next street.
I whirled around, too out of it to even be shocked with myself. “Leave me the fuck alone if you know what’s good for you, Greg.”
He stopped and stared at me, and even though I could see the thoughts flashing through his head, there was nothing he could say. “You’re not alone,” he finally offered. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
I snarled at him and walked off. All I knew at that point was that I hurt, hurt beyond any heartbreak I could remember. Betrayed. By the only person that I ever looked into the eyes, all walls gone. The one who had seen my heart. Without confiding in me, warning me, had just left me.
I went home, got myself a glass of straight whiskey only to end up smashing it into the wall with all the pent up frustration that had been boiling under the surface. I fell down on my bed, cursed out loud, and cursed this damn wall behind which my tears were locked up, for I feared the pressure would break me right then and there. My head pounded. It wasn’t until Megaman, when the worst of my violent mood had passed, jumped upon the bed and purred, that tears came. I deflated and it felt like there was nothing left.
The day after that I walked through the house like a zombie. Mat called to check on me, offered to step by, told me that Jonny wanted to talk to me but wasn’t sure if he was welcome. I told him neither of them was welcome. I just couldn’t deal with it.
Thoughts finally started coming as realisation truly set in - about the past, about what was up for the band next, about everything at once. Little Jonny tricked into the band by Mat, starry-eyed over him, but that never going anywhere, starry-eyed over me, but that never going anywhere either… We all listened to Mat setting the rules. No fucking around within this band, lest it fuck up the band. I thought of Tom, the past tour - but Tom could never in any way make up for Jonny leaving the band. He is a good guy, nice to talk to, not yet spending all his time on picking up girls, but with all the time he spends with Mat and Greg that isn’t likely to take long anymore. Elias is a good friend, but not the same. Not ever the same as Jonny. The sort of friendship that happens only once in a lifetime - if you’re lucky.
But that fucked me over.
I considered leaving the band myself, as well. But I realised pretty quickly it wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t make me hurt any less, wouldn’t get me Jonny back now he’d left me to bleed - it would just fuck up my life even more spectacularly. Trusting someone implicitly, outspoken or not, is bound to leave one broken. That was my main conclusion, and it left me emptier than any actual lover had left me before.
I would’ve gotten drunk to the point of passing out from the poison if it hadn’t been for the cats draped over my chest, preventing me from getting up and fetching myself a new bottle. Little life-savers.
Maybe I got a little too lost in my misery. Maybe my life really had come down as thoroughly as I thought it had. I look at the thin body lying asleep beside me right now and can’t even rationally judge that situation anymore.
Next day, the doorbell rang. I warily dragged myself from my misery, then yanked the door open.
Jonny met my eyes for a short moment before looking down at his feet. He took a deep breath and then straightened himself back up. “Dan. Please let me in.”
As much as I wanted to slam the door in his face and save myself from hurt that was even worse now that I looking at him, I stepped back, then turned and fled into the living room. I composed myself as I heard him close the door and follow me. He shrank under my heavy gaze.
“I know I’ve hurt you…” His voice faltered as my eyes grew even harder.
“Don’t come here to tell me how I’m feeling, Jon,” I snarled at him. “Just fucking don’t. Don’t apologise. It doesn’t change anything. Get out.” Please go away, don’t make me face this.
“I had to, Dan.” I saw the tears in his eyes, despite the expression of resolve on his face, that expression that told me he was guarding his heart as much as I was. “Physically… mentally… I just can’t take it anymore.”
He must’ve realised how weak and idiotic that sounded in the present situation. His reasons wouldn’t make up for anything. Still he nearly broke me down, right there. I fled, again, into the kitchen this time, trying my best not to falter under his eyes.
He followed me and faltered first, a choked sob escaping him. “Dan, I’m so fucking sorry, please don’t turn me away, please.”
Not a second later I had turned back and covered the distance between us, and we clung to each other, and cried. There was no way I could have kept my resolve against that plea.
“How could you,” I uttered with all breath stuck behind the lump in my throat. “I’ve never been so betrayed. How dare you.” It felt like liquid fear was pumped through my veins as I admitted my hurt.
“Dan…” he whimpered. “I just… couldn’t face you. I fucked it all up, I’m so sorry. So sorry. You must forgive me...”
I leaned back and finally let my wet eyes meet his wet eyes, but I was unable to sort myself out enough to even give him that reassurance.
“We can talk,” he offered, a silent plea in his eyes.
So we talked. I let myself fall down on the couch, once more feeling deflated, and scared - and found Jonny settling himself between my legs, knees drawn up and head on my shoulder. Like little Jonny all those years ago. But even though his physique had hardly changed, his eyes had grown older and more wary as time passed, and the Jonny I wrapped my arms around was in all ways that - grown up.
It doesn’t matter much what he explained. It mattered that he told this to me, every secret of his confused heart and lost soul - not Mat, or Greg, or anyone. Me. I started feeling selfish about my reaction as the sharp edges of my hurt slowly, slowly got soothed, after all this time apart, and the wall of stone I’d been facing since I got back home. My protectiveness, fallen away under my anguish, resurfaced. And with every beat of my heart, I felt my love for him. I lost him to the band, may never be on tour with him again - but I still had him, still loved him like I’d never loved a human being before. I felt the need to tell him, but didn’t feel I could do it without betraying my nature and sounding horribly emotional. So I didn’t. I just held him in my arms as tight as I could and rocked us, as much to soothe him over what he just told me, as to reassure us both that we were still the way we’d always been. The sort of friends that you were lucky to find just once in a lifetime.
I caressed his hair as he fell silent, fingering the blond locks and the dark locks gently, then caressed his cheek. His face turned under my hand, and my were eyes closed as I suddenly found his lips parting under my ring finger, the moist inside of his lips touching my fingertip.
It was only a second. I felt his breath hitch, a momentary feeling of tension from his body, and then he turned his face away again. We were both quiet for a long while then. I was left in confusion - had that been on purpose? The tension in my body echoed his own from just a second ago. Some sense of fear or excitement, a combination of both that then proceeded to slowly drain from my system again, the longer he stayed silent. As minutes passed without a motion from his side, the more my tired brain became convinced it’d just been… something, something that he’d already forgotten. It had been a weird thing to do in either case, but the feeling of it lingered on my fingertip.
Finally, he looked up. I gave him a small smile and brushed my fingers through his hair again. Jonny’s eyelids fluttered a little, his eyes a hazy blue as he stared at me, and he quietly reached up to return the gesture. Only then it struck me just how intimate this moment was, and this time my breath hitched too, along with his. I slowly let it slip away again, as afraid to tear my gaze away from him as to stay like this any longer.
He smiled. “Dan. Thank you.”
“Jonny…” I cleared my throat. “Is this… I mean...”
His eyes closed and kissed me softly then, and with a bit of a shock I realised that not only was he no longer in the band, he was also no longer with Jess. It’s not like some desperate love had been lingering between us always, stopped by merely those two reasons - but at the same time those made sure I’d never let my mind stray in this very direction. The days any sexual tension existed between us had passed and gone with Jonny’s teenage years.
After these thoughts, none of which required my common sense to kick in and move away, my mind went remarkably blank and peaceful. No matter what this meant, it was alright.
He sighed into my lips and then withdrew, breaking the gentle touch, and met my eyes a moment before curling back into my shoulder. “I love you so much, Dan Wiese, you have no idea.”
I had to clear my throat once more, before any sound came forth from it. My voice was quiet. “I think I have an idea.” In the silence that followed, a world of new possibilities opened before my closed eyes, where before, there were only future paths closing down. I drew him closer to my chest. “My Jonny,” I murmured, feeling content - and that without so much as a drink to mess with my sense of judgement of what was an appropriate thing to say to my best friend. Everything had started feeling surreal a while ago.
He tilted his head up to me. “Am I?” he asked, equally quietly. I was amazed at how old he looked at that moment, really not much of a little Jonny left in there, and it made my own heavy heart even heavier. But the beauty of that face.
I gave half a helpless shrug in combination with half a doubtful nod. “Is this what you planned?” I couldn’t help but wonder, if just for a few moments, whether any of his choices of the past weeks had meant to lead up to this.
The shake of his head was nearly imperceptible. “It’s just you. Being here. Some good amidst all this.” With a voiced hushed to almost a whisper, he added, “seeing you so hurt… you have no idea.” He sighed, voice gaining some strength. “This -” he motioned between the two of us, a small crease on his forehead, “- isn’t about kisses. I just can’t lose you to my life. Not you, of all people. Okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed, pulling him close once more. The loss of him for the band was still heavy on my heart, but there are no words to describe the burden that I felt falling off my shoulders at his reassurance that for him and me, perhaps there was a new sort of future to explore, some path that would never have been for us had things remained the same. A new source of strength that both of us were going to need now so much had fallen apart. Nothing solved, but there was something to hold on to nonetheless.
I heaved a deep sigh. “You’re special to me.” As close to an admission of love as I got.
He pressed his nose into my hair and murmured, a hint of a smile in his voice as he replied, “I love you too.”
Author: Las
Pairing: Dan/Jonny
Rating: PG-13… ish?
Summary: Jonny decides his journey with Kill Hannah must end, but leaves more than the band broken.
Disclaimed: Not real, make no money. Easy as that.
Author’s notes: This was written to serve as some form of ‘therapy’ for a situation I was faced with in the past few days, which means that it’s emotional and starts out rather dark. Most of all I feel it’s important to mention I didn’t write this with any present situation of the Kill Hannah boys in mind. This is in no way a ‘what if’ latching onto any rumors. I’m not looking for comments that worry their head off about someone actually leaving the band - if that theme upsets you a lot, consider not reading this one.
But otherwise, please read and comment!
-----------------
It all went far too fast.
When we returned from Europe, Jonny had closed off from us - physically still there but the Jonny I’d always known hidden beneath shielded eyes. He didn’t look very well. Pale, thin, nothing quite out of the ordinary, but with that sparkle in his personality gone, all the more worrying.
I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I guess I felt something coming all the while, as the days after our return passed and we met up with him only to be missing out on half of him, not matter what we tried. No matter what I tried. But nothing of it truly reached my higher brain functions, I didn’t extrapolate his weird behaviour to him possibly leaving the band. It crossed my mind, briefly - but he’d have talked to me about it. We’d discussed such things before. I couldn’t believe he’d leave without having spoken to me about it first, and as such, I figured he just needed some time to himself, to get used to us being on the same continent again. Then, when he entrusted me with the fact that he’d had an unfortunate and sudden break-up with Jess, I blamed everything on that… even if the situation didn’t get any better that night, since Jonny was still restless and closed off despite my attempts to comfort him.
After six days he finally set us, the band, down. Still firmly in denial, I looked at his thin and sad face, nervous but keeping it to myself, convincing myself to put a little faith in him. He met all of our eyes briefly. “Guys… I need to tell you something. I’ve been thinking a lot while you guys were gone, and I realised that I can’t go on like this anymore, it’s like I’m slowly killing myself. I feel my journey with this band has ended. It breaks my heart, but I’ve made up my mind.”
My heart had started anxiously fluttering, a cold sweat breaking out over my skin as he uttered his obviously practise little speech, rambled out too fast. He tried to meet my eyes again, finally a shimmer of the real Jonny in there, but I couldn’t do it. I was paralysed. Shocked. My brain stalled, and he hugged all of us, though I turned my face away, too hurt to even face him. Mat argued a bit, realised it was futile, and then cried, which made Jonny cry, and Elias’ eyes watered and Greg looked sad, but my heart’s cry silently reverberated inside my chest only, my face turning into stone. Fuck you, Jonny. Fuck you.
We went outside then, me still ignoring Jonny’s eyes on me, and not sure where we were headed either, as I’d missed all conversation. My eyes blankly focused on Jonny’s back as he walked tucked into Mat’s side. It was too much. “I’m going,” I muttered, and without waiting for any reaction, and without looking back, I turned in the other direction. I left a trail of invisible bleeding from a broken heart behind me.
“Dan…” It was Greg who had come after me, before I’d reached the end of the next street.
I whirled around, too out of it to even be shocked with myself. “Leave me the fuck alone if you know what’s good for you, Greg.”
He stopped and stared at me, and even though I could see the thoughts flashing through his head, there was nothing he could say. “You’re not alone,” he finally offered. “Don’t do anything stupid.”
I snarled at him and walked off. All I knew at that point was that I hurt, hurt beyond any heartbreak I could remember. Betrayed. By the only person that I ever looked into the eyes, all walls gone. The one who had seen my heart. Without confiding in me, warning me, had just left me.
I went home, got myself a glass of straight whiskey only to end up smashing it into the wall with all the pent up frustration that had been boiling under the surface. I fell down on my bed, cursed out loud, and cursed this damn wall behind which my tears were locked up, for I feared the pressure would break me right then and there. My head pounded. It wasn’t until Megaman, when the worst of my violent mood had passed, jumped upon the bed and purred, that tears came. I deflated and it felt like there was nothing left.
The day after that I walked through the house like a zombie. Mat called to check on me, offered to step by, told me that Jonny wanted to talk to me but wasn’t sure if he was welcome. I told him neither of them was welcome. I just couldn’t deal with it.
Thoughts finally started coming as realisation truly set in - about the past, about what was up for the band next, about everything at once. Little Jonny tricked into the band by Mat, starry-eyed over him, but that never going anywhere, starry-eyed over me, but that never going anywhere either… We all listened to Mat setting the rules. No fucking around within this band, lest it fuck up the band. I thought of Tom, the past tour - but Tom could never in any way make up for Jonny leaving the band. He is a good guy, nice to talk to, not yet spending all his time on picking up girls, but with all the time he spends with Mat and Greg that isn’t likely to take long anymore. Elias is a good friend, but not the same. Not ever the same as Jonny. The sort of friendship that happens only once in a lifetime - if you’re lucky.
But that fucked me over.
I considered leaving the band myself, as well. But I realised pretty quickly it wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t make me hurt any less, wouldn’t get me Jonny back now he’d left me to bleed - it would just fuck up my life even more spectacularly. Trusting someone implicitly, outspoken or not, is bound to leave one broken. That was my main conclusion, and it left me emptier than any actual lover had left me before.
I would’ve gotten drunk to the point of passing out from the poison if it hadn’t been for the cats draped over my chest, preventing me from getting up and fetching myself a new bottle. Little life-savers.
Maybe I got a little too lost in my misery. Maybe my life really had come down as thoroughly as I thought it had. I look at the thin body lying asleep beside me right now and can’t even rationally judge that situation anymore.
Next day, the doorbell rang. I warily dragged myself from my misery, then yanked the door open.
Jonny met my eyes for a short moment before looking down at his feet. He took a deep breath and then straightened himself back up. “Dan. Please let me in.”
As much as I wanted to slam the door in his face and save myself from hurt that was even worse now that I looking at him, I stepped back, then turned and fled into the living room. I composed myself as I heard him close the door and follow me. He shrank under my heavy gaze.
“I know I’ve hurt you…” His voice faltered as my eyes grew even harder.
“Don’t come here to tell me how I’m feeling, Jon,” I snarled at him. “Just fucking don’t. Don’t apologise. It doesn’t change anything. Get out.” Please go away, don’t make me face this.
“I had to, Dan.” I saw the tears in his eyes, despite the expression of resolve on his face, that expression that told me he was guarding his heart as much as I was. “Physically… mentally… I just can’t take it anymore.”
He must’ve realised how weak and idiotic that sounded in the present situation. His reasons wouldn’t make up for anything. Still he nearly broke me down, right there. I fled, again, into the kitchen this time, trying my best not to falter under his eyes.
He followed me and faltered first, a choked sob escaping him. “Dan, I’m so fucking sorry, please don’t turn me away, please.”
Not a second later I had turned back and covered the distance between us, and we clung to each other, and cried. There was no way I could have kept my resolve against that plea.
“How could you,” I uttered with all breath stuck behind the lump in my throat. “I’ve never been so betrayed. How dare you.” It felt like liquid fear was pumped through my veins as I admitted my hurt.
“Dan…” he whimpered. “I just… couldn’t face you. I fucked it all up, I’m so sorry. So sorry. You must forgive me...”
I leaned back and finally let my wet eyes meet his wet eyes, but I was unable to sort myself out enough to even give him that reassurance.
“We can talk,” he offered, a silent plea in his eyes.
So we talked. I let myself fall down on the couch, once more feeling deflated, and scared - and found Jonny settling himself between my legs, knees drawn up and head on my shoulder. Like little Jonny all those years ago. But even though his physique had hardly changed, his eyes had grown older and more wary as time passed, and the Jonny I wrapped my arms around was in all ways that - grown up.
It doesn’t matter much what he explained. It mattered that he told this to me, every secret of his confused heart and lost soul - not Mat, or Greg, or anyone. Me. I started feeling selfish about my reaction as the sharp edges of my hurt slowly, slowly got soothed, after all this time apart, and the wall of stone I’d been facing since I got back home. My protectiveness, fallen away under my anguish, resurfaced. And with every beat of my heart, I felt my love for him. I lost him to the band, may never be on tour with him again - but I still had him, still loved him like I’d never loved a human being before. I felt the need to tell him, but didn’t feel I could do it without betraying my nature and sounding horribly emotional. So I didn’t. I just held him in my arms as tight as I could and rocked us, as much to soothe him over what he just told me, as to reassure us both that we were still the way we’d always been. The sort of friends that you were lucky to find just once in a lifetime.
I caressed his hair as he fell silent, fingering the blond locks and the dark locks gently, then caressed his cheek. His face turned under my hand, and my were eyes closed as I suddenly found his lips parting under my ring finger, the moist inside of his lips touching my fingertip.
It was only a second. I felt his breath hitch, a momentary feeling of tension from his body, and then he turned his face away again. We were both quiet for a long while then. I was left in confusion - had that been on purpose? The tension in my body echoed his own from just a second ago. Some sense of fear or excitement, a combination of both that then proceeded to slowly drain from my system again, the longer he stayed silent. As minutes passed without a motion from his side, the more my tired brain became convinced it’d just been… something, something that he’d already forgotten. It had been a weird thing to do in either case, but the feeling of it lingered on my fingertip.
Finally, he looked up. I gave him a small smile and brushed my fingers through his hair again. Jonny’s eyelids fluttered a little, his eyes a hazy blue as he stared at me, and he quietly reached up to return the gesture. Only then it struck me just how intimate this moment was, and this time my breath hitched too, along with his. I slowly let it slip away again, as afraid to tear my gaze away from him as to stay like this any longer.
He smiled. “Dan. Thank you.”
“Jonny…” I cleared my throat. “Is this… I mean...”
His eyes closed and kissed me softly then, and with a bit of a shock I realised that not only was he no longer in the band, he was also no longer with Jess. It’s not like some desperate love had been lingering between us always, stopped by merely those two reasons - but at the same time those made sure I’d never let my mind stray in this very direction. The days any sexual tension existed between us had passed and gone with Jonny’s teenage years.
After these thoughts, none of which required my common sense to kick in and move away, my mind went remarkably blank and peaceful. No matter what this meant, it was alright.
He sighed into my lips and then withdrew, breaking the gentle touch, and met my eyes a moment before curling back into my shoulder. “I love you so much, Dan Wiese, you have no idea.”
I had to clear my throat once more, before any sound came forth from it. My voice was quiet. “I think I have an idea.” In the silence that followed, a world of new possibilities opened before my closed eyes, where before, there were only future paths closing down. I drew him closer to my chest. “My Jonny,” I murmured, feeling content - and that without so much as a drink to mess with my sense of judgement of what was an appropriate thing to say to my best friend. Everything had started feeling surreal a while ago.
He tilted his head up to me. “Am I?” he asked, equally quietly. I was amazed at how old he looked at that moment, really not much of a little Jonny left in there, and it made my own heavy heart even heavier. But the beauty of that face.
I gave half a helpless shrug in combination with half a doubtful nod. “Is this what you planned?” I couldn’t help but wonder, if just for a few moments, whether any of his choices of the past weeks had meant to lead up to this.
The shake of his head was nearly imperceptible. “It’s just you. Being here. Some good amidst all this.” With a voiced hushed to almost a whisper, he added, “seeing you so hurt… you have no idea.” He sighed, voice gaining some strength. “This -” he motioned between the two of us, a small crease on his forehead, “- isn’t about kisses. I just can’t lose you to my life. Not you, of all people. Okay?”
“Okay,” I agreed, pulling him close once more. The loss of him for the band was still heavy on my heart, but there are no words to describe the burden that I felt falling off my shoulders at his reassurance that for him and me, perhaps there was a new sort of future to explore, some path that would never have been for us had things remained the same. A new source of strength that both of us were going to need now so much had fallen apart. Nothing solved, but there was something to hold on to nonetheless.
I heaved a deep sigh. “You’re special to me.” As close to an admission of love as I got.
He pressed his nose into my hair and murmured, a hint of a smile in his voice as he replied, “I love you too.”