Music Mix: American Idol Is Made of Unicorns
American Idol Is Made of Unicorns!
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the World's Most Anxiety-Ridden Karaoke Contest
(yeeaaah! Capes!!)
01. slow ride / allison & adam
So, I was listening to this song yesterday while I was making dinner and stuff? And I realized that it's about oral sex. No, really. And how messed up is it that a 17-year-old girl and a gay guy are singing a song (together, no less) about cunnilingus? AHAHA. That kind of WINS AT LIFE.
02. hemhorrage / chris DAUGHTRY
I have to say, this is much better when you're watching it. The vocal alone doesn't hold up that well. However, this was the first time I started to think that Daughtry guy had something going on.
03. whyyawannabringmedown / kelly clarkson
OMG THIS SONG. If you guys haven't heard this song, you need to because it's effing brilliant. It is basically a giant FUCK YOU to Clive Davis, who told Kelly that she shouldn't try to write her own songs or have emotions, and then he got put out to pasture and she came out with this piece of amazing.
04. hello / david cook
Obviously! This is still probably in my top 5 of Idol performances ever. Sometimes Cook did shit I hated, sometimes he did amazing things, and Hello was an amazing thing. I wanted to punch Danny Gokey in gigantic face when he sang it on the finale. Like, really, Gokey? You're going to go THERE? Did you even watch the show last year?? David Cook is awesome, your entire existence is irrelevant.
05. whole lotta love / adam lambert
For the sheer audacity of singing Led Zepplin on American Fucking Idol, and for promising to give every inch of his love while masturbating the mic stand. Even though Chasez could not be further away from Led Zepplin, that was the moment Adam reminding me most strongly of JC when JC was still awesome and still singing for a living. (Because yes, it always comes back to JC, and I wish he would replace Randy on the judges panel as like, a guy who can outsing anyone who's ever been on Idol aside from like, Adam and Jennifer Hudson and Kelly. And Fantasia, but I didn't watch her season, so.)
06. father figure / ace young
Oh Ace. So beautiful, so stupid, so in love with Chris Daughtry. I wish he'd lived up to the initial awesomeness of singing George Michael, for serious. I would still fuck him, though. He's pretty. Kara would be all, "PACKAGE ARTIST DROOL DROOL."
07. within a dream / bo bice
Also one of my top 5 Idol performances of all time. I remember watching that sitting in my roommate Emilio's bedroom next to stellaface and lecksee on Emilio's criminally uncomfortable futon and just staring with my jaw dropped open. That was the first time I thought Bo actually wanted to win. It's too bad he never really went anywhere. He was great.
08. heartless / kris allen
(The live version, because I really am not fond of the studio version. Who produced that, because they RUINED the awesomeness of an acoustic performance.) Anyway, yes. Another top 5 moment for me. To me this was like Kris saying, "Okay fuckers, you've ignored me all season. You've tried to relegate me to canon fodder and not given me credit for my awesomeness. Well just try ignore this, benches!" He couldn't have done anything more awesome to distinguish himself from hokey Gokey, the Ghoulish Widower. GOOD PREVAILS.
09. bad name / blaaaaaaake
Again, audio doesn't hold up as well, but... BLAAAAAAAKE!! God, I love that guy. So tiny, and such weird noises come out of him! I remember what Lance said on myspace the first time Blake beatboxed: "He needs to stop that. We get enough of that from Justin." OOOH BURN. I just love how this isn't even a song. It's like Blake deconstructed the song like it was a James Joyce novel or something. Like he went, "You know, Bon Jovi is sort of like Ulysses and if I take it apart and put it back together and add some masturbation, it'll finally make sense."
10. a change is gonna come / adam lambert
Man, this song. This performance. This VOCAL. It's just all kind of overwhelming and as the Idolotry folks would say, a victory for possibly gay rights. But actually, I know this is a song Adam performed at the Zodiac Show, and so I think we can that it has exactly the social significance we think it does. I won't get into the whole personal-is-political, all civil rights movements are connected, music is one of the most important forms of expression in terms of social relevance stuff... but yes. I have to admit I cried a little when I saw this the first time. And GO SIMON FULLER. Way fucking better choices than that horrible zombie Clive Davis in previous years. For reals, yo.
11. before he cheats / carrie underwood
This song makes me lol. Especially the line about how the new girl can't shoot whiskey. Like Carrie Underwood has ever shot whiskey before! I bet she'd like to smash up Tomy Romo's car, though. I mean, she got dumped for Jessica "chicken of the sea" Simpson. Awww. But I still love this song. lecksee says that when her officemate is having problems, she lifts her hands off the keyboard and says, "Jesus, take the wheel!" And those are all my thoughts on Carrie Underwood.
12. always be my baby / david cook
I would buy an album where David Cook made Mariah Carey songs awesome again. Like, "Musicbox, as Interpreted by David Cook." Hell yeah. Also, can he please remake 'Touch My Body'? Because that would RULE.
13. dirty diana / alexis grace
Another one that was a lot better live, but poor Alexis. Cut down before her time! I mean, really, America? You kept Megan Joy Cawkrey but got rid of Alexis?? LAMECATS.
14. give into me / allison iraheta
I have never heard Michael Jackson sing this song, but I cannot imagine it would be better than this piece of awesomeness. Allison never really got enough credit from the judges, either. I hope she becomes a huge star and someday she can punch Simon in his face and be like, "How ya like me now, BITCH?"
15. wait for you / elliot yamin
Poor trollish Elliot. I love that guy, and this song is awesome and I'm happy he had an actual, bone fida hit, but damn, I cannot look at him. It ruins the beauty that comes out of his mouth if I have to see the mouth. I think it's actually worse now that he got his teeth fixed and all. It makes me imagine Caridee-levels of oral surgery. Ick.
16. break anotha / blaaaaaake!
This song is awesome and it should've been a hit and SHUT UP if you don't agree!! Blake should've been a star. Thinking about his lack of career makes me hate the world.
17. no air / jordin sparks & douchey mcfuckface
I hated this song right up until Joshua and Katie did that amazing lyrical hip hop to it last year on SYTYCD. And if I just think about that, and how he put his jacket on her at the end and how brilliant and emotional and beautiful it was, I can ignore how much I hate the song and think Jordin is a slut-shaming, holier-than-though lametard, and Chris Brown should be in fucking JAIL, and just enjoy it a little.
18. my prerogative / anoop desai
The sound quality on this is pretty shitty, but! BOBBY BROWN!! I love this song. Love it better when Britney did it (can you HANDLE her truth??), but Anoop was entertaining. And I couldn't put another Adam song on here or that would be like, TOO MUCH, so yes. Anoop. I liked him right up until I didn't. And then he went home.
19. papa was a rolling stone / allison iraheta
YEAAH. Love this. Again, she didn't get enough credit for her awesomeness, but this was amazing.
20. chivas / kelly clarkson
This is my favorite Kelly song. It's about how she'd rather drink Chivas than fuck her ex-boyfriend. I heard it for the first time when I went with wendy and offtheceiling to see Kelly live in Dallas. That girl is freaking amazing live. Not a huge fancy production, but she didn't need that because her voice is just so BIG and AWESOME. This song, I just instantly loved it. The humor and the attitude of it. The SWAGGAH, as Lil Mama would say. A++
21. falling slowly / kris allen
Kris got the shaft when he sang this! He was so brilliant, and even though I'd only heard the song literally once before, during the Oscars when it won best song, it's one of those songs that is just instantly familiar and beautiful and you want to hear it all the time. And I like Kris's version better, actually, than the original. Hush. Don't tell.
22. feeling good / adam lambert
Adam Lambert is loose in the post-Idol world, and he is going to fucking conquer the shit out of it! I love this song. Loved the live version, knew immediately he was doing the Muse version and I just. The steps. The strut. That last big note that just went on and on and ended in a completely unexpected but perfect place? YESYESYES. This is why I made sure to watch every episode of Idol this year, even though in previous years I've been content to just read mostlikely2's recaps if I happened to miss it: because of Adam fucking Lambert.
He made the show exciting even when he crossed the line into utterly ridiculous, and I was always excited to see what he'd do this week. He shook things up. He basically said, "I'm a big queer who likes to sneer and hump the mic stand and touch myself and turn Johnny Cash songs into things that could be used in hardcore pornos, and fuck you if you don't like it!" I'm happy that Kris won, because that felt like a Victory for Upfish, but I'm equally happy that the viewing public seems to be at a point in our collect consciousness where we can vote to keep this ultra queer, NON-NEUTERED ALA GAYKEN, sometimes scary but mostly awesome person in what is essentially America's biggest popularity contest until the very end.
And I've just realized that I have exposed myself as an unironic lover of American Idol but you know, I once wrote Ace/DAUGHTRY fic, so really, this new revelation of my total mainstream lameness pales in comparison.
At least I'm not cutting myself! Oh, and I should probably give you a download link. That might make sense, right?
download: [yeah, capes!]
or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the World's Most Anxiety-Ridden Karaoke Contest
(yeeaaah! Capes!!)
01. slow ride / allison & adam
So, I was listening to this song yesterday while I was making dinner and stuff? And I realized that it's about oral sex. No, really. And how messed up is it that a 17-year-old girl and a gay guy are singing a song (together, no less) about cunnilingus? AHAHA. That kind of WINS AT LIFE.
02. hemhorrage / chris DAUGHTRY
I have to say, this is much better when you're watching it. The vocal alone doesn't hold up that well. However, this was the first time I started to think that Daughtry guy had something going on.
03. whyyawannabringmedown / kelly clarkson
OMG THIS SONG. If you guys haven't heard this song, you need to because it's effing brilliant. It is basically a giant FUCK YOU to Clive Davis, who told Kelly that she shouldn't try to write her own songs or have emotions, and then he got put out to pasture and she came out with this piece of amazing.
04. hello / david cook
Obviously! This is still probably in my top 5 of Idol performances ever. Sometimes Cook did shit I hated, sometimes he did amazing things, and Hello was an amazing thing. I wanted to punch Danny Gokey in gigantic face when he sang it on the finale. Like, really, Gokey? You're going to go THERE? Did you even watch the show last year?? David Cook is awesome, your entire existence is irrelevant.
05. whole lotta love / adam lambert
For the sheer audacity of singing Led Zepplin on American Fucking Idol, and for promising to give every inch of his love while masturbating the mic stand. Even though Chasez could not be further away from Led Zepplin, that was the moment Adam reminding me most strongly of JC when JC was still awesome and still singing for a living. (Because yes, it always comes back to JC, and I wish he would replace Randy on the judges panel as like, a guy who can outsing anyone who's ever been on Idol aside from like, Adam and Jennifer Hudson and Kelly. And Fantasia, but I didn't watch her season, so.)
06. father figure / ace young
Oh Ace. So beautiful, so stupid, so in love with Chris Daughtry. I wish he'd lived up to the initial awesomeness of singing George Michael, for serious. I would still fuck him, though. He's pretty. Kara would be all, "PACKAGE ARTIST DROOL DROOL."
07. within a dream / bo bice
Also one of my top 5 Idol performances of all time. I remember watching that sitting in my roommate Emilio's bedroom next to stellaface and lecksee on Emilio's criminally uncomfortable futon and just staring with my jaw dropped open. That was the first time I thought Bo actually wanted to win. It's too bad he never really went anywhere. He was great.
08. heartless / kris allen
(The live version, because I really am not fond of the studio version. Who produced that, because they RUINED the awesomeness of an acoustic performance.) Anyway, yes. Another top 5 moment for me. To me this was like Kris saying, "Okay fuckers, you've ignored me all season. You've tried to relegate me to canon fodder and not given me credit for my awesomeness. Well just try ignore this, benches!" He couldn't have done anything more awesome to distinguish himself from hokey Gokey, the Ghoulish Widower. GOOD PREVAILS.
09. bad name / blaaaaaaake
Again, audio doesn't hold up as well, but... BLAAAAAAAKE!! God, I love that guy. So tiny, and such weird noises come out of him! I remember what Lance said on myspace the first time Blake beatboxed: "He needs to stop that. We get enough of that from Justin." OOOH BURN. I just love how this isn't even a song. It's like Blake deconstructed the song like it was a James Joyce novel or something. Like he went, "You know, Bon Jovi is sort of like Ulysses and if I take it apart and put it back together and add some masturbation, it'll finally make sense."
10. a change is gonna come / adam lambert
Man, this song. This performance. This VOCAL. It's just all kind of overwhelming and as the Idolotry folks would say, a victory for possibly gay rights. But actually, I know this is a song Adam performed at the Zodiac Show, and so I think we can that it has exactly the social significance we think it does. I won't get into the whole personal-is-political, all civil rights movements are connected, music is one of the most important forms of expression in terms of social relevance stuff... but yes. I have to admit I cried a little when I saw this the first time. And GO SIMON FULLER. Way fucking better choices than that horrible zombie Clive Davis in previous years. For reals, yo.
11. before he cheats / carrie underwood
This song makes me lol. Especially the line about how the new girl can't shoot whiskey. Like Carrie Underwood has ever shot whiskey before! I bet she'd like to smash up Tomy Romo's car, though. I mean, she got dumped for Jessica "chicken of the sea" Simpson. Awww. But I still love this song. lecksee says that when her officemate is having problems, she lifts her hands off the keyboard and says, "Jesus, take the wheel!" And those are all my thoughts on Carrie Underwood.
12. always be my baby / david cook
I would buy an album where David Cook made Mariah Carey songs awesome again. Like, "Musicbox, as Interpreted by David Cook." Hell yeah. Also, can he please remake 'Touch My Body'? Because that would RULE.
13. dirty diana / alexis grace
Another one that was a lot better live, but poor Alexis. Cut down before her time! I mean, really, America? You kept Megan Joy Cawkrey but got rid of Alexis?? LAMECATS.
14. give into me / allison iraheta
I have never heard Michael Jackson sing this song, but I cannot imagine it would be better than this piece of awesomeness. Allison never really got enough credit from the judges, either. I hope she becomes a huge star and someday she can punch Simon in his face and be like, "How ya like me now, BITCH?"
15. wait for you / elliot yamin
Poor trollish Elliot. I love that guy, and this song is awesome and I'm happy he had an actual, bone fida hit, but damn, I cannot look at him. It ruins the beauty that comes out of his mouth if I have to see the mouth. I think it's actually worse now that he got his teeth fixed and all. It makes me imagine Caridee-levels of oral surgery. Ick.
16. break anotha / blaaaaaake!
This song is awesome and it should've been a hit and SHUT UP if you don't agree!! Blake should've been a star. Thinking about his lack of career makes me hate the world.
17. no air / jordin sparks & douchey mcfuckface
I hated this song right up until Joshua and Katie did that amazing lyrical hip hop to it last year on SYTYCD. And if I just think about that, and how he put his jacket on her at the end and how brilliant and emotional and beautiful it was, I can ignore how much I hate the song and think Jordin is a slut-shaming, holier-than-though lametard, and Chris Brown should be in fucking JAIL, and just enjoy it a little.
18. my prerogative / anoop desai
The sound quality on this is pretty shitty, but! BOBBY BROWN!! I love this song. Love it better when Britney did it (can you HANDLE her truth??), but Anoop was entertaining. And I couldn't put another Adam song on here or that would be like, TOO MUCH, so yes. Anoop. I liked him right up until I didn't. And then he went home.
19. papa was a rolling stone / allison iraheta
YEAAH. Love this. Again, she didn't get enough credit for her awesomeness, but this was amazing.
20. chivas / kelly clarkson
This is my favorite Kelly song. It's about how she'd rather drink Chivas than fuck her ex-boyfriend. I heard it for the first time when I went with wendy and offtheceiling to see Kelly live in Dallas. That girl is freaking amazing live. Not a huge fancy production, but she didn't need that because her voice is just so BIG and AWESOME. This song, I just instantly loved it. The humor and the attitude of it. The SWAGGAH, as Lil Mama would say. A++
21. falling slowly / kris allen
Kris got the shaft when he sang this! He was so brilliant, and even though I'd only heard the song literally once before, during the Oscars when it won best song, it's one of those songs that is just instantly familiar and beautiful and you want to hear it all the time. And I like Kris's version better, actually, than the original. Hush. Don't tell.
22. feeling good / adam lambert
Adam Lambert is loose in the post-Idol world, and he is going to fucking conquer the shit out of it! I love this song. Loved the live version, knew immediately he was doing the Muse version and I just. The steps. The strut. That last big note that just went on and on and ended in a completely unexpected but perfect place? YESYESYES. This is why I made sure to watch every episode of Idol this year, even though in previous years I've been content to just read mostlikely2's recaps if I happened to miss it: because of Adam fucking Lambert.
He made the show exciting even when he crossed the line into utterly ridiculous, and I was always excited to see what he'd do this week. He shook things up. He basically said, "I'm a big queer who likes to sneer and hump the mic stand and touch myself and turn Johnny Cash songs into things that could be used in hardcore pornos, and fuck you if you don't like it!" I'm happy that Kris won, because that felt like a Victory for Upfish, but I'm equally happy that the viewing public seems to be at a point in our collect consciousness where we can vote to keep this ultra queer, NON-NEUTERED ALA GAYKEN, sometimes scary but mostly awesome person in what is essentially America's biggest popularity contest until the very end.
And I've just realized that I have exposed myself as an unironic lover of American Idol but you know, I once wrote Ace/DAUGHTRY fic, so really, this new revelation of my total mainstream lameness pales in comparison.
At least I'm not cutting myself! Oh, and I should probably give you a download link. That might make sense, right?
download: [yeah, capes!]