Fic: No Mer About It | popslash | AJ/Nick
So last weekend we tested out the Make the Yuletide Gay website with a little mini-exchange of our own, and this was the result.
No Mer About It
Fandom: Popslash
Pairing: AJ/Nick
Comments: Written for ephemera_pop with the prompt: AJ/Nick or Chris/Joey, "mermaids! Or, you know, mermen. Please?" So I tried. And um, it's crack. In case you doubted it.
Further comments: My favorite movie as a 10-12 year-old girl was The Little Mermaid and it was also the movie that made me realize that I'm bisexual, because I had such a huge crush on my best friend and we used to take turns playing the Prince statue/Ariel. We'd play the tape of Ariel singing "Part of Your World" while we were in the pool and um, yeah. Anyway, enough about my childhood lesbian shennanigans.
Once upon a time in an ocean far away where the water was always warm and the fish were always singing unless they were playing the coral like, you know how a normal non-fish type person might play a trumpet or something? Well it was like that, and very hard to sing at the same time, except for the fish with two heads, which was pretty rare considering the cleanliness and non-toxicity of the ocean and all. Oh, right, I'm such a bad story teller that I never said what was in the ocean far away! Well, it was a mermaid.
AJ was the apple of King Lou-tron's eye. He was the best singer in the whole choir, even better than Joey, who was always getting solos and laughing with Chris about how it was too bad AJ was so young and he couldn't sing in public yet. But Joey was in for a shock, because AJ's eighteenth birthday was coming up and he was finally going to get to sing in public. Joey's solo days were numbered, and he didn't even know it. Not that Chris never tried to point this out to him ("You know King Lou-tron is going to insist all solos go the AJ the Mermaid, his favorite fish princess.") but truthfully, while a lovely singer, Joey was a bit dim-witted. That was what happened when your mother mated with a frog prince, though. Amphibious genes were never a good idea, and often led to a fondness for flies.
The problem was, AJ didn't care about singing. He only cared about collecting random pieces of junk that came floating down from the ships above. And he'd heard that a ship had sunk not too far from the Kingdom, so he decided that day he just needed to check it out!
"Don't do it!" Howie the Blowfish exclaimed. "You're going to miss the concert and your wondrous debut!" AJ didn't pay any attention to his warnings, though. Howie was only good at one thing, and AJ, as a mermaid, didn't even have a merpenis!
Anyway, you've all seen the movie so I probably don't have to tell you what happens next. There's a shark, very scary, blah blah and you know, I can't help but feeling like this entire narrative thing is anti-shark for some reason. Because check it-the rest of the sea creatures can talk. There are freaking mermaid's, for fuck's sake, and seriously, I'm supposed to believe that a lobster has a bigger brain than a shark and is somehow more capable of human emotion? Whatever. That shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
So, you know, SHARK! And they swam and swam as fast as they could until they broke the surface. "Whew!" said AJ, who delighted in near-death experiences at the fins of much-aligned fish. "That was close!"
At that moment, AJ's semi-retarded seagull friend Brian appeared, bringing with him a bag of useless land items which he said were very useful but in fact weren't, because like I said, Brian is semi-retarded as most seagulls are, and that's not prejudice, it's just a fact.
"There's a big ship full of hot guys having some sort of crazy party!" Brian told AJ. "You should totally crash."
AJ's lobster friend, Kevin, who was much smarter than the average shark but also kind of mean and crabby (ha, get it? CRABBY!) was all, "That's not a good idea, Princess AJ. King Lou-tron will be so angry and you've already missed the concert!" But seeing as Kevin was a lobster, AJ didn't listen.
The boat was ginormous and made of a curious substance AJ had never seen before because, in case you didn't know, trees don't exactly grow underwater so the entire concept of wood had to be very confusing for our poor princess. He flapped around outside the mysterious vehicle, trying to find a way in, while Brian giggled and said, "I know you don't read human, but this blotter says 'Pussy Wagon' on the side!"
(AN: I know that a boat/ship/sea-faring vessel isn't really called a blotter, but remember, Brian is a seagull and he's semi-retarded even though he thinks he knows everything. I just don't want you thinking I'm stupid or something. Also, 'pussy wagon' is from the movie Grease which everyone should see because it's fun and has good songs. Grease 2 is also really good and there's bowling! If you like bowling, you'll really like that movie.)
AJ hauled himself up the side of the blotter and stared through the railings onto the deck. There was, indeed, a crazy party going on. As fireworks exploded in the sky, AJ's eyes lit on the most beautiful vision he had ever seen: a man with hair the color of a starfish's innards and eyes the precise shade of the cleansing puss AJ cleaned his teeth with. He was a beautiful man, and everyone else seemed to think so, too, because they presented him with a statue that looked just like him!
Okay, this is where the story gets fuzzy, because I can't remember how the boat caught on fire, but it does and it's very bad and not good. Princess AJ saves the beautiful man from drowning, of course, and I think he maybe sings the guy a song and somehow finds out the man's name is Prince Nick, which is pretty awesome because Princess AJ knows that, okay, maybe King Lou-tron would let AJ change species and become mammalian and shit, but there's no way King Lou-tron would agree to AJ getting with someone who wasn't even royal. That's just gross.
Howie was a really good friend, and since he couldn't show his appreciation for the merpenis-less Princess AJ in his normal blowfish way, Howie decided to rescue the Prince Nick statue so AJ would at least have some good porn material to remember the guy by. AJ was delighted when he saw the statue, but little did he know that Kevin had been a stupid asshole and told King Lou-tron all about AJ's trip to the blotter and the statue. AJ was singing a lovely song about how he wants to grow legs and an ass so he could someday get fucked when King Lou-tron showed up.
"Grrrr! I am fat and old and angry and I don't understand the joys of youth!" was what King Lou-tron said upon sight of AJ rubbing against his new porn statue. (Okay, he didn't really use those words, but I'm telling this story so shut the fuck up.) King Lou-tron used to be a good guy, but he got corrupted by the power of having so many good singers in his kingdom and, you know, controlling all the tides and waves and shit of the sea, and like someone important once said, absolute power of the sea corrupts absolutely, and also turns you into a baby mermophile. And with that, King Lou-tron pointed his giant staff (no, not his merpenis, you freaks, get your minds out of the gutter. Not that oceans have gutters, because some fish actually eat other fish's poo, but you know what I mean.) at the statue and destroyed it with a bolt of scary lightening!
"I hate you forever!" AJ cried, clutching at the remnants of his porn statue. "And I will never sing in your choir again, you mean old merman!"
King Lou-tron felt momentarily bad about destroying such a beautiful statue, but he was the king and also a jerk, so he got over it really quickly. "You and your sea-shell bra will report to choir practice at oh-nine hundred hours tomorrow, or you're out of the city!" And with that, he swam away.
At this point someone, I can't really remember who but I suspect it was Brian the semi-retarded seagull because who else would come up with such an incredibly horrible bad no good idea, told Princess AJ about the sea witch.
Howie said, "Don't do it, AJ! Once, my friend Ashley the angelfish went to see JCsilla (pronounced Jay-silla, just FYI) the sea witch, and we never saw him again!"
Kevin said, "Maybe that's because someone had the sense to eat that no-talent hack before he ruined my choir! And also, I must protest the idea of going to JCsilla. The sea witch is scary and will fuck your shit up!"
(Again, this is just an approximation of their conversation. Their real words were long and boring so I figure I should just make up my own to keep the reader interested. Also, because it's ironic or something?)
But AJ was determined. Now that King Lou-tron had destroyed the only thing worth living in AJ's life, his Prince Nick porn statue, AJ thought it couldn't possibly matter how horrible and mean and bitchy JCsilla was. JCsilla could make him into a proper maid, no mer about it, and if AJ had legs and an ass, maybe Prince Nick would be interested in him and stuff. That would show King Lou-tron!
JCsilla's cave was super scary. There were like, poor unfortunate souls that looked more like shriveled up plant people everywhere, and JCsilla explained that when he does his special sea witch thing, there was always a certain price to pay. JCsilla was a big fan of capitalism, see, and even in a barter economy he knew that everyone had something JCsilla could use for his nefarious sea witchy plans, and also because he just liked hurting people and making them miserable. He sang a song about how awesome he was and then Princess AJ explained his dilemma.
"Well, see, the thing is, I gotta say, at the end of the day, nothing's free," JCsilla responded. "So what I'm gonna do is, um, take your voice. But you'll have legs and a really nice ass so I'm sure Prince Nick won't care if you can actually talk. Believe me, I've met the guy, and he's not really a conversationalist to start with."
Justin and Lanceton, JCsilla's eel associates, hissed in agreement. Privately, although Lanceton had never said this out loud to JCsilla because he didn't want to get zapped or turned into a scary moany plant thing or whatever, Lanceton thought that Prince Nick was a super hotty and who cared if he could carry on a conversation? But then, Lanceton had only seen Prince Nick in the magic crystal ball thing, and JCsilla assured him that Photoshop had been liberally used.
Blah blah, magic stuff happened and AJ grew some legs and an ass but he couldn't talk so how was he going to convince Prince Nick to fall in love with him in three days? Kevin said, "Well you should've thought of that before you went and got yourself turned into a mammal!" and Brian said, "Just use your princessy wiles and act really dumb, because boys like it when they think they're smarter than you!" Howie didn't say anything because Howie was a blowfish and had to stay under water to breath.
Luckily, Prince Nick happened upon them while AJ was testing out his new legs on the beach. "Oh, you poor thing!" said Nick, who was very generous and kind, if a bit dim-witted, "we must get you back to my enormous castle where you'll be safe! Even though it makes no sense for me to take in a stranger because I'm the freaking prince and all, I will have you outfitted in lovely gowns befitting your beauty and try to make you eat fish, all the while not knowing that you used to BE a fish!"
(Which, okay. So Princess AJ won't eat fish because he used to be a mermaid and all, but what the fuck? Are we supposed to believe he subsisted only on like, fucking seaweed or something? Because what else do you eat when you live in the ocean? Their logic does not resemble our land logic. I'm just saying.)
The next day Prince Nick took AJ all around town in a fancy carriage. It was very exciting and AJ had his first taste of ice cream and decided that he was never going back to the ocean again! Pretty dresses AND ice cream? Land was the place to be, yo.
Later, they went on a romantic blotter ride and for a second, Princess AJ thought Prince Nick might try to kiss him! But then Lancetonton the Eel flopped into the blotter and ruined everything or maybe their blotter tipped over but anyway, something happened and they didn't make out. AJ knew that making out would be important to the whole love thing. Tomorrow, he thought to himself as he climbed into bed. Tomorrow I'll get some tongue action.
But tomorrow came and along with it, a beautiful new princess who sang like an angel. Princess AJ sighed and poked at his eggs at breakfast and tried really hard to think of a way to compete with such a gorgeous princess who could actually speak. If only he could write human! But alas, AJ was quite illiterate and the only thing Brian the seagull seemed to be able to spell out was 'pussy wagon.' "And you don't have one, honey, so I don't think that would work," Brian explained sadly.
Sunset was fast approaching and AJ was standing at the dock, watching sadly as the wedding ship sailed away into the distance, when Kevin and Howie appeared.
(Just a side note, because I really think that JCsilla is overly vilified in this story and I don't want to seem like I'm promoting Princess-on-Princess violence or whatever. Because see, no one really gets where JCsilla is coming from. No one realizes that once upon a time in an ocean far far away, King Lou-tron promised JCsilla that he would make the sea witch a star in the choir. But despite JCsilla's magical and beautiful voice, his songs were all about masturbation and other land things no one really understood, and Lou-tron basically gave up trying to market JCsilla's unique brand of music. Naturally, that would make anyone bitter. I mean, come on, if you were super talented at like, making shoes or whatever, but your shoe designs were totally wacky and anyway no one in the ocean had feet, you're probably be pretty sad about the whole thing and maybe even angry. That might lead you to using your powers for evil instead of good, because where did good ever get you? So I'm just saying. JCsilla isn't a bad sea witch, he's just misunderstood.)
"Oh my god!" said Howie. Well, he gurgled it really, because he had to stay mostly underwater, but AJ understood him anyway. "We were just on the wedding blotter and discovered that the new Princess is actually JCsilla!"
Kevin said, "We have to get you to that blotter before it's too late!"
Even though AJ used to be a fish, he couldn't swim for some reason and they had to get all the animals of the ocean to help him out, like sea turtles and dolphins and shit. So anyway, AJ got to the blotter but then he couldn't even be all, "STOP!!" because he didn't have a voice, right? So what happened was, AJ got the dolphins to invade the blotter and attack JCsilla, revealing who he truly was!
Prince Nick was so appalled by JCsilla's new visage of short hair and stupid vests and tentacles, and so impressed and delighted by AJ's knowledge of dolphins, that he immediately was like, "I'm so in love with you, Princess AJ!"
And then Prince Nick kissed him, and it was the most magical and also the only kiss AJ had ever received. Prince Nick's tongue was a soft and silky appendage in AJ's mouth and his fingers were reaching helpfully for AJ's as-yet unused ass when JCsilla let out a gleefully giggle and said, "It's too late! The sun has set and Princess AJ is MINE!"
Now, in the original story, a bunch of bullshit happens and King Lou-tron defeats the evil JCsilla and realizes the error of his ways and turns Princess AJ into a human and even gives him a brand-new shimmery dress. But in my story, because I am such an advocate of not pitting princesses against each other because that's so lame and unfeminist and things, I've decided that what really happens is this:
"I will destroy you!" King Lou-tron roared.
"This was my point all along!" JCsilla said. "You make all these promises, and you never come through! You hate anything that's different or beautiful! You're anti-human and you use people and don't pay them and take all the credit for their work, which is just totally against the spirit of capitalism!"
AJ said, "King Lou-tron, is this true?"
King Lou-tron said, "Well technically, according to the contracts, I'm an equal member of the choir, so I'm just taking what's rightfully mine."
Prince Nick frowned. "Um, except for how that's total bullshit, dude."
JCsilla and Princess AJ looked at each other and had what I like to call A Moment. They understood each other perfectly and what needed to be done. For Princess AJ had his own special powers, being a Princess and pretty awesome and stuff in his own right. Princess AJ clasped hands with the sea witch and together, they ambiguously defeated King Lou-tron once and for all, in an amazing display of power that I won't describe here because it would be too long and difficult, but I assure you, that is what happened so you will just have to take my word for it. Anyway, King Lou-tron was defeated!
Prince Nick was so grateful that he took them both to bed, and AJ finally got some tongue.
(In his ass. Just to clarify. Because I don't want any readers to be confused by what I mean by 'bed' and 'tongue'. Euphemisms can be so tricky that way.)
No Mer About It
Fandom: Popslash
Pairing: AJ/Nick
Comments: Written for ephemera_pop with the prompt: AJ/Nick or Chris/Joey, "mermaids! Or, you know, mermen. Please?" So I tried. And um, it's crack. In case you doubted it.
Further comments: My favorite movie as a 10-12 year-old girl was The Little Mermaid and it was also the movie that made me realize that I'm bisexual, because I had such a huge crush on my best friend and we used to take turns playing the Prince statue/Ariel. We'd play the tape of Ariel singing "Part of Your World" while we were in the pool and um, yeah. Anyway, enough about my childhood lesbian shennanigans.
Once upon a time in an ocean far away where the water was always warm and the fish were always singing unless they were playing the coral like, you know how a normal non-fish type person might play a trumpet or something? Well it was like that, and very hard to sing at the same time, except for the fish with two heads, which was pretty rare considering the cleanliness and non-toxicity of the ocean and all. Oh, right, I'm such a bad story teller that I never said what was in the ocean far away! Well, it was a mermaid.
AJ was the apple of King Lou-tron's eye. He was the best singer in the whole choir, even better than Joey, who was always getting solos and laughing with Chris about how it was too bad AJ was so young and he couldn't sing in public yet. But Joey was in for a shock, because AJ's eighteenth birthday was coming up and he was finally going to get to sing in public. Joey's solo days were numbered, and he didn't even know it. Not that Chris never tried to point this out to him ("You know King Lou-tron is going to insist all solos go the AJ the Mermaid, his favorite fish princess.") but truthfully, while a lovely singer, Joey was a bit dim-witted. That was what happened when your mother mated with a frog prince, though. Amphibious genes were never a good idea, and often led to a fondness for flies.
The problem was, AJ didn't care about singing. He only cared about collecting random pieces of junk that came floating down from the ships above. And he'd heard that a ship had sunk not too far from the Kingdom, so he decided that day he just needed to check it out!
"Don't do it!" Howie the Blowfish exclaimed. "You're going to miss the concert and your wondrous debut!" AJ didn't pay any attention to his warnings, though. Howie was only good at one thing, and AJ, as a mermaid, didn't even have a merpenis!
Anyway, you've all seen the movie so I probably don't have to tell you what happens next. There's a shark, very scary, blah blah and you know, I can't help but feeling like this entire narrative thing is anti-shark for some reason. Because check it-the rest of the sea creatures can talk. There are freaking mermaid's, for fuck's sake, and seriously, I'm supposed to believe that a lobster has a bigger brain than a shark and is somehow more capable of human emotion? Whatever. That shit is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
So, you know, SHARK! And they swam and swam as fast as they could until they broke the surface. "Whew!" said AJ, who delighted in near-death experiences at the fins of much-aligned fish. "That was close!"
At that moment, AJ's semi-retarded seagull friend Brian appeared, bringing with him a bag of useless land items which he said were very useful but in fact weren't, because like I said, Brian is semi-retarded as most seagulls are, and that's not prejudice, it's just a fact.
"There's a big ship full of hot guys having some sort of crazy party!" Brian told AJ. "You should totally crash."
AJ's lobster friend, Kevin, who was much smarter than the average shark but also kind of mean and crabby (ha, get it? CRABBY!) was all, "That's not a good idea, Princess AJ. King Lou-tron will be so angry and you've already missed the concert!" But seeing as Kevin was a lobster, AJ didn't listen.
The boat was ginormous and made of a curious substance AJ had never seen before because, in case you didn't know, trees don't exactly grow underwater so the entire concept of wood had to be very confusing for our poor princess. He flapped around outside the mysterious vehicle, trying to find a way in, while Brian giggled and said, "I know you don't read human, but this blotter says 'Pussy Wagon' on the side!"
(AN: I know that a boat/ship/sea-faring vessel isn't really called a blotter, but remember, Brian is a seagull and he's semi-retarded even though he thinks he knows everything. I just don't want you thinking I'm stupid or something. Also, 'pussy wagon' is from the movie Grease which everyone should see because it's fun and has good songs. Grease 2 is also really good and there's bowling! If you like bowling, you'll really like that movie.)
AJ hauled himself up the side of the blotter and stared through the railings onto the deck. There was, indeed, a crazy party going on. As fireworks exploded in the sky, AJ's eyes lit on the most beautiful vision he had ever seen: a man with hair the color of a starfish's innards and eyes the precise shade of the cleansing puss AJ cleaned his teeth with. He was a beautiful man, and everyone else seemed to think so, too, because they presented him with a statue that looked just like him!
Okay, this is where the story gets fuzzy, because I can't remember how the boat caught on fire, but it does and it's very bad and not good. Princess AJ saves the beautiful man from drowning, of course, and I think he maybe sings the guy a song and somehow finds out the man's name is Prince Nick, which is pretty awesome because Princess AJ knows that, okay, maybe King Lou-tron would let AJ change species and become mammalian and shit, but there's no way King Lou-tron would agree to AJ getting with someone who wasn't even royal. That's just gross.
Howie was a really good friend, and since he couldn't show his appreciation for the merpenis-less Princess AJ in his normal blowfish way, Howie decided to rescue the Prince Nick statue so AJ would at least have some good porn material to remember the guy by. AJ was delighted when he saw the statue, but little did he know that Kevin had been a stupid asshole and told King Lou-tron all about AJ's trip to the blotter and the statue. AJ was singing a lovely song about how he wants to grow legs and an ass so he could someday get fucked when King Lou-tron showed up.
"Grrrr! I am fat and old and angry and I don't understand the joys of youth!" was what King Lou-tron said upon sight of AJ rubbing against his new porn statue. (Okay, he didn't really use those words, but I'm telling this story so shut the fuck up.) King Lou-tron used to be a good guy, but he got corrupted by the power of having so many good singers in his kingdom and, you know, controlling all the tides and waves and shit of the sea, and like someone important once said, absolute power of the sea corrupts absolutely, and also turns you into a baby mermophile. And with that, King Lou-tron pointed his giant staff (no, not his merpenis, you freaks, get your minds out of the gutter. Not that oceans have gutters, because some fish actually eat other fish's poo, but you know what I mean.) at the statue and destroyed it with a bolt of scary lightening!
"I hate you forever!" AJ cried, clutching at the remnants of his porn statue. "And I will never sing in your choir again, you mean old merman!"
King Lou-tron felt momentarily bad about destroying such a beautiful statue, but he was the king and also a jerk, so he got over it really quickly. "You and your sea-shell bra will report to choir practice at oh-nine hundred hours tomorrow, or you're out of the city!" And with that, he swam away.
At this point someone, I can't really remember who but I suspect it was Brian the semi-retarded seagull because who else would come up with such an incredibly horrible bad no good idea, told Princess AJ about the sea witch.
Howie said, "Don't do it, AJ! Once, my friend Ashley the angelfish went to see JCsilla (pronounced Jay-silla, just FYI) the sea witch, and we never saw him again!"
Kevin said, "Maybe that's because someone had the sense to eat that no-talent hack before he ruined my choir! And also, I must protest the idea of going to JCsilla. The sea witch is scary and will fuck your shit up!"
(Again, this is just an approximation of their conversation. Their real words were long and boring so I figure I should just make up my own to keep the reader interested. Also, because it's ironic or something?)
But AJ was determined. Now that King Lou-tron had destroyed the only thing worth living in AJ's life, his Prince Nick porn statue, AJ thought it couldn't possibly matter how horrible and mean and bitchy JCsilla was. JCsilla could make him into a proper maid, no mer about it, and if AJ had legs and an ass, maybe Prince Nick would be interested in him and stuff. That would show King Lou-tron!
JCsilla's cave was super scary. There were like, poor unfortunate souls that looked more like shriveled up plant people everywhere, and JCsilla explained that when he does his special sea witch thing, there was always a certain price to pay. JCsilla was a big fan of capitalism, see, and even in a barter economy he knew that everyone had something JCsilla could use for his nefarious sea witchy plans, and also because he just liked hurting people and making them miserable. He sang a song about how awesome he was and then Princess AJ explained his dilemma.
"Well, see, the thing is, I gotta say, at the end of the day, nothing's free," JCsilla responded. "So what I'm gonna do is, um, take your voice. But you'll have legs and a really nice ass so I'm sure Prince Nick won't care if you can actually talk. Believe me, I've met the guy, and he's not really a conversationalist to start with."
Justin and Lanceton, JCsilla's eel associates, hissed in agreement. Privately, although Lanceton had never said this out loud to JCsilla because he didn't want to get zapped or turned into a scary moany plant thing or whatever, Lanceton thought that Prince Nick was a super hotty and who cared if he could carry on a conversation? But then, Lanceton had only seen Prince Nick in the magic crystal ball thing, and JCsilla assured him that Photoshop had been liberally used.
Blah blah, magic stuff happened and AJ grew some legs and an ass but he couldn't talk so how was he going to convince Prince Nick to fall in love with him in three days? Kevin said, "Well you should've thought of that before you went and got yourself turned into a mammal!" and Brian said, "Just use your princessy wiles and act really dumb, because boys like it when they think they're smarter than you!" Howie didn't say anything because Howie was a blowfish and had to stay under water to breath.
Luckily, Prince Nick happened upon them while AJ was testing out his new legs on the beach. "Oh, you poor thing!" said Nick, who was very generous and kind, if a bit dim-witted, "we must get you back to my enormous castle where you'll be safe! Even though it makes no sense for me to take in a stranger because I'm the freaking prince and all, I will have you outfitted in lovely gowns befitting your beauty and try to make you eat fish, all the while not knowing that you used to BE a fish!"
(Which, okay. So Princess AJ won't eat fish because he used to be a mermaid and all, but what the fuck? Are we supposed to believe he subsisted only on like, fucking seaweed or something? Because what else do you eat when you live in the ocean? Their logic does not resemble our land logic. I'm just saying.)
The next day Prince Nick took AJ all around town in a fancy carriage. It was very exciting and AJ had his first taste of ice cream and decided that he was never going back to the ocean again! Pretty dresses AND ice cream? Land was the place to be, yo.
Later, they went on a romantic blotter ride and for a second, Princess AJ thought Prince Nick might try to kiss him! But then Lancetonton the Eel flopped into the blotter and ruined everything or maybe their blotter tipped over but anyway, something happened and they didn't make out. AJ knew that making out would be important to the whole love thing. Tomorrow, he thought to himself as he climbed into bed. Tomorrow I'll get some tongue action.
But tomorrow came and along with it, a beautiful new princess who sang like an angel. Princess AJ sighed and poked at his eggs at breakfast and tried really hard to think of a way to compete with such a gorgeous princess who could actually speak. If only he could write human! But alas, AJ was quite illiterate and the only thing Brian the seagull seemed to be able to spell out was 'pussy wagon.' "And you don't have one, honey, so I don't think that would work," Brian explained sadly.
Sunset was fast approaching and AJ was standing at the dock, watching sadly as the wedding ship sailed away into the distance, when Kevin and Howie appeared.
(Just a side note, because I really think that JCsilla is overly vilified in this story and I don't want to seem like I'm promoting Princess-on-Princess violence or whatever. Because see, no one really gets where JCsilla is coming from. No one realizes that once upon a time in an ocean far far away, King Lou-tron promised JCsilla that he would make the sea witch a star in the choir. But despite JCsilla's magical and beautiful voice, his songs were all about masturbation and other land things no one really understood, and Lou-tron basically gave up trying to market JCsilla's unique brand of music. Naturally, that would make anyone bitter. I mean, come on, if you were super talented at like, making shoes or whatever, but your shoe designs were totally wacky and anyway no one in the ocean had feet, you're probably be pretty sad about the whole thing and maybe even angry. That might lead you to using your powers for evil instead of good, because where did good ever get you? So I'm just saying. JCsilla isn't a bad sea witch, he's just misunderstood.)
"Oh my god!" said Howie. Well, he gurgled it really, because he had to stay mostly underwater, but AJ understood him anyway. "We were just on the wedding blotter and discovered that the new Princess is actually JCsilla!"
Kevin said, "We have to get you to that blotter before it's too late!"
Even though AJ used to be a fish, he couldn't swim for some reason and they had to get all the animals of the ocean to help him out, like sea turtles and dolphins and shit. So anyway, AJ got to the blotter but then he couldn't even be all, "STOP!!" because he didn't have a voice, right? So what happened was, AJ got the dolphins to invade the blotter and attack JCsilla, revealing who he truly was!
Prince Nick was so appalled by JCsilla's new visage of short hair and stupid vests and tentacles, and so impressed and delighted by AJ's knowledge of dolphins, that he immediately was like, "I'm so in love with you, Princess AJ!"
And then Prince Nick kissed him, and it was the most magical and also the only kiss AJ had ever received. Prince Nick's tongue was a soft and silky appendage in AJ's mouth and his fingers were reaching helpfully for AJ's as-yet unused ass when JCsilla let out a gleefully giggle and said, "It's too late! The sun has set and Princess AJ is MINE!"
Now, in the original story, a bunch of bullshit happens and King Lou-tron defeats the evil JCsilla and realizes the error of his ways and turns Princess AJ into a human and even gives him a brand-new shimmery dress. But in my story, because I am such an advocate of not pitting princesses against each other because that's so lame and unfeminist and things, I've decided that what really happens is this:
"I will destroy you!" King Lou-tron roared.
"This was my point all along!" JCsilla said. "You make all these promises, and you never come through! You hate anything that's different or beautiful! You're anti-human and you use people and don't pay them and take all the credit for their work, which is just totally against the spirit of capitalism!"
AJ said, "King Lou-tron, is this true?"
King Lou-tron said, "Well technically, according to the contracts, I'm an equal member of the choir, so I'm just taking what's rightfully mine."
Prince Nick frowned. "Um, except for how that's total bullshit, dude."
JCsilla and Princess AJ looked at each other and had what I like to call A Moment. They understood each other perfectly and what needed to be done. For Princess AJ had his own special powers, being a Princess and pretty awesome and stuff in his own right. Princess AJ clasped hands with the sea witch and together, they ambiguously defeated King Lou-tron once and for all, in an amazing display of power that I won't describe here because it would be too long and difficult, but I assure you, that is what happened so you will just have to take my word for it. Anyway, King Lou-tron was defeated!
Prince Nick was so grateful that he took them both to bed, and AJ finally got some tongue.
(In his ass. Just to clarify. Because I don't want any readers to be confused by what I mean by 'bed' and 'tongue'. Euphemisms can be so tricky that way.)