Big Bang Fic: Last Stop: Chicagoland | Part 2 | Jensen/Jared | Adult
Last Stop: Chicagoland, Part 2
He knows it's totally girly and cliché and, well, gay, but Jensen really, really loves yoga. The studio he goes to is just off Ashland so he usually ends up running there and back to get some cardio in, unless he's feeling super lazy that day but really, sometimes taking the train is more work than anything else, so.
So he usually ends up running there, his iPod set to whatever new thing Chris has sent him. Chris is always sending him music play list downloads of whoever he's obsessed with that week and sometimes it's the only way they really communicate for weeks at a time, but it's good, too. It's nice. Usually Jensen can tell a lot more about how Chris is doing from his music choices than he can from actually talking to him. This week it's Rhett Miller, some older things he did with the Old 97s and some newer solo stuff. This week Chris is happy.
Jensen leaves the girls at the daycare co-op and starts off down Belmont. He loves this neighborhood, loves this city, and it feels good just to be out in it. He loves that even at nine in the morning there are people milling around-punk goth girls waiting for the tattoo place to open, businessmen sitting in the window booths at Clark's drinking coffee and reading the Trib, cute gay boys blocking up the sidewalk in front of the weird vintage Hollywood store, staring at the display window. Last week there were blowup dolls dressed as Star Wars characters having a light saber battle, but now it's a dominatrix mannequin lying stiffly on a 1950s-style mint green chaise lounge. Jensen sort of loves the lounge, but he doesn't think he's prepared to explain S&M to Lizzie quite yet so he probably won't be coming back to get it.
Lizzie is always demanding explanations. She has to know the why of everything and sometimes it makes Jensen miss Richardson where they were taught to say, "Yes ma'am" and "No sir," and not question everything. But he only misses it sometimes because really, that's not how he wants the girls raised. Charlie's smart as hell but she's quiet and she likes to figure things out on her own; Lizzie doesn't have the patience for that so everything comes with a "but why?" attached to it and that's good, Jensen thinks. He's been slowly making his way through Carol Gilligan and Joan Jacobs Brumberg, so he knows-it's a good thing that she's questioning stuff like that. It means she has her own mind.
Besides which, the word 'sir' gives him bad porn flashbacks, and then he's back to explaining S&M so just-no.
He gets to yoga with ten minutes to spare. Most of the class is already there with their mats spread out on the floor, talking and stretching and all that. Jensen is the only guy in the class but he doesn't care. At least the women don't try to hit on him here because it's pretty obvious he's gay, but sometimes he wears his Pride t-shirt from last summer just to make it absolutely clear. He gets hit on all the time now and at first it was nice because hey, people thinking he's pretty-always nice. But after a while it just gets annoying and living in Boystown probably doesn't help. He tries not to blame them for wanting him, though. He's hot, he's just a really hot guy, it's not their fault they can't resist him.
Jensen grabs his mat from his locker and lays it out, starts stretching his legs out from his run. The room buzzes with conversation and mostly it's quiet except for the three women behind him who are having an extremely loud conversation that they probably mean for him to overhear and god, Jensen hopes the girls don't end up like these bitches. After four years of reading all the vaguely readable feminist literature he can find at Powell's, Jensen likes to think he sort of understands women, but he doesn't understand people like this at all. They're like aliens, almost. It's like being back in LA.
"I swear," the anorexic one says, "it's like I'm dead inside. He wants sex all the time and I'm like, 'Asshole, get off me, are you done yet?'"
"Maybe he's doing it wrong," the pregnant one giggles. She's been in one stage of pregnancy or another since Jensen started taking classes three years ago. This is her fourth child, Jensen thinks, and it's pretty sick, they're like, those weird born agains who think condoms are a sin and God wants people to have as many babies as humanly possible. Jensen loves his kids and he wanted to have them more than anything, but he figures there are already a lot of people in the world. They don't need more. Plus, she's pretty ugly. Jensen feels sorry for anything that comes out of her because it's pretty much doomed to be unattractive.
"I'm asking for a G-Spot injection for my birthday," Anorexia says. "It's the least he can do after all the crap he puts me through."
"At least yours wants to fuck you," the third one says, the one who Jensen secretly thinks of as Kappa Delta Slutty. She wears the same sorority t-shirt every day to class and Jensen thinks, he's never letting the girls rush for a sorority if this is what they turn into. Plus, he's read that book, the one where the reporter went undercover as a rushee, so he knows-it's not a sisterhood so much as an excuse for group eating disorders and binge drinking. Peer groups are very important to the mental health of young girls, Jensen thinks. He doesn't want his daughters getting roofied and slutting their way through college. He doesn't want them thinking that that's how being a girl is supposed to go.
"Is this one gay, too?" the pregnant one asks.
"God, I hope not. But knowing my track record. That'll be, like, the third one in a row! It's, like, totally unfair. I mean, I way don't deserve this. My karma is all messed."
Or maybe you need to stop picking up guys in wife beaters outside Berlin on Saturday nights, Jensen thinks to himself.
"It's not your karma, sweetie," Pregnant says. "It's these gay guys. I swear, it's such a waste! It's, like, a national travesty or something."
Jensen can't help it, he turns around and glares. He doesn't care if the woman is pregnant, that's just, it's not okay to say shit like that when he's standing right there. Or ever, really, but he can't exactly control that. Now he really wishes she'd stop reproducing, if this is the kind of shit she's going to pass on to her kids.
"No offense, honey," Anorexia says with a big smile when she sees him staring. Right. No offense. Whatever. Like a bright smile and an 'I didn't mean it' makes it okay.
But before he can say anything the instructor walks in. Substitute instructor, apparently, because instead of Martha, the granola Buddhist lesbian who usually teaches the class, it's a guy. A hot guy. A really hot guy.
And the thing is, Jensen really does get hit on all the time, but he's never cheated and he's never really wanted to. It took Jared forever to be okay with what they have and even longer to be good with it, but Jensen was right there from the beginning, pretty much, from the first time they hooked up. Jared's always been enough for him, way more than enough when he's actually home, so usually Jensen's not even tempted.
But usually, there isn't the hottest guy Jensen's ever seen in real life bending over in front of him to stretch, wearing those tight, ultra-gay biking shorts things. He might as well be naked, Jensen's pretty sure he can see the guy's asscrack in those shorts. Not that Jensen's complaining.
The instructor's name is Jesse and he has a ridiculously gorgeous smile and spends most of the class walking between the mats, adjusting people's positions. Jensen maybe accidentally-on-purpose messes up most of the positions and Jesse has to correct him a lot, which involves a lot of touching and standing very close and Jesse pressing on his lower back or, once, his inner thigh and saying, "Here, can you feel that? That's the muscle you should be working with this position."
The women behind him spend the entire class giggling and whispering to each other but Jensen doesn't give a shit. Jesse smells like peppermint. Jensen is maybe a little tempted.
The class ends and Jensen rolls up his mat, sticks it in his locker, retrieves his iPod from the locker shelf. He's messing with the settings, trying to find the right play list when he smells peppermint. Jesse. Jensen fumbles with his headphones and smiles nervously.
"You're Jensen, right?" he says, smiling his gorgeous smile, looking all blond and hot and perfect. He's sweating a little and Jensen maybe wants to taste that. Jensen's been with a lot of guys, a couple girls but mostly guys and he hasn't been with anyone but Jared for forever. Usually he's not tempted, but this guy, Christ. Temptation fucking sucks, Jensen thinks. He sort of knows how Jared feels now.
He realizes he's just standing there looking like a total retard, not saying anything. "Um, yeah. Yeah, I'm Jensen. Hi." Talking to strangers isn't Jensen's strong suit. Sometimes he hates himself-it's why no one ever likes to send him on promo, he always comes off like a big weirdo. At least he's pretty, he thinks. It's usually enough to get him through.
"Hi." Another smile. "I, um, this is going to sound so dumb, but I'm a huge Days fan and uh, I thought. Would you maybe want to get a coffee or something?"
Jensen coughs. Yes, he thinks, but no. Because this isn't going anywhere that's possible and really, Jensen doesn't want it to. Jared can be an ass and he doesn't even want to say he's gay, but he's Jared, still, and Jensen's been in love with him for seven years. Lucky number seven, he thinks, and shakes his head. It could just be coffee, but he's not that guy and he won't do that to Jared or the girls. It took Jared so long to be okay with the whole gay thing and now he is, pretty much. He's good now and even if Jared still says he's only ever wanted Jensen for guys, even if that's the dumbest piece of denial Jensen's ever heard, it's a process. It's an ongoing thing and Jared's a good guy, a good man. Jared believes wholeheartedly in love and it's, really, it's what made Jensen fall for him in the first place, so. Lucky number seven, and Jensen's not going to fuck that up, not even a little bit, not even for a really hot guy who'd probably blow him right now and never talk about it to anyone.
It'd be a freebie. Jensen doesn't want it.
Jensen's doing it again, being quiet too long and staring and damn, he's really bad at this social interaction thing. "I'm sorry," Jesse says, smile disappearing. "I didn't mean, uh. I didn't mean to assume-"
"No, no. Seriously man, it's cool. I mean, I'm gay. You're assuming right." Jensen flashes a smile. Jesse seems like a nice guy and he's a fan, it doesn't hurt to be nice back. "I'm just, I'm with someone. I'm, uh, you know. I have a partner, so. It's just not a great idea, man. Sorry."
"Oh, hey, no. That's totally cool. Totally understandable." He takes a few steps back, smiles again, running his fingers through his hair. Jensen's still tempted, Jesse is still hot as fuck, but it's okay. Being tempted is okay, it doesn't make him a bad person, just a normal one or whatever. "I. He's a lucky guy," Jesse says.
Jensen grins. "Man, I tell him that everyday." But really, Jensen thinks, he's the lucky one.
*
Chad is in town to film something, he's playing an online pedophiliac stalker or something in some movie-of-the-week type deal, so he's at the house kind of a lot and he doesn't exactly annoy Jensen, but he definitely grates. He and Jared together are like kids, and Chad encourages Jared in all his bad habits. He lets the girls drink soda and eat fast food and gives them books of uncensored Grimm's fairytales, which Jensen refuses to read to them but they somehow get read anyway, and then there are nightmares and Charlie wanting to sleep in with them and Lizzie being a brat and making fun of her.
Chad is-he's tiresome, Jensen thinks, and Jensen's always happier when he's not around. But he's Jared's best friend and he's mostly a good godfather to Charlie, so Jensen deals. Jared doesn't like Chris, either, so. He doesn't say it, ever, he doesn't come out and say, "I don't like Chris," but he's always really polite when Chris is around. Jared's not really polite, he's not that kind of guy, and his lips do that thing where they tighten in the corners. It's the expression he gets when he's tolerating something. But the point is, Jensen's not going to say anything about Chad, ever, because Jared tolerates Chris and Jensen used to be in love with Chris, so it's kind of a big deal. Jared was never in love with Chad. Or at least, he never wanted to fuck Chad, and Jensen knows enough to understand that there's a difference.
So Chad's in town and he's at the house a lot. He comes for dinners and complains about Jensen's organic-only rule. He brings Boston Market one night. Jensen really wants to tell the girls they're not allowed to have it, because seriously, it's gross and Jensen knows where that chicken comes from, he read all about the Tyson company on the PETA website and it's just sick, but Jared gives him this look and Chad rolls his eyes so Jensen just lets them eat it. Jensen doesn't eat any, though. He has a Boca burger and doesn't say anything until the girls are watching TV in the living room after and Jensen's washing up, dumping the leftovers in the trash compactor and trying not to watch little bits of tortured chicken go down the garbage disposal.
"You know they torture the chickens. I mean, the company Boston Market uses. And they use, you know. They use chemicals. Hormones, and like, fifty percent of the chickens die from it." He scrubs hard at Lizzie's dish. She didn't finish her apple things and they're stuck to the plate now.
"But chicken tastes good," Chad says, grinning.
"But there's. They cut off their beaks. You don't have to buy tortured chicken. We have money, we don't have to support that stuff and I don't appreciate you bringing it to the girls, okay?"
"Your wife's a bitch, dude," Chad tells Jared. Jensen wants to punch him. Really, pretty badly, he wants to hit Chad. He scrubs harder at the plate until the apple comes off in a gloppy, soapy mess.
Jared just smiles wide and comes up behind Jensen, settles his chin on Jensen's shoulder. "He cares about animals. I think it's sweet, man. You could do with maybe caring about things, sometimes." He kisses Jensen on the neck and pulls the dish out of his hands, nudging him to the side, away from the sink. "Come on, we'll do that. Go make sure the girls aren't, like, accidentally watching porn. Or MTV."
"You just don't want me to kick Chad's ass." But Jensen smiles a little. He still wants to hit Chad, but he feels a little better, and when he leaves the kitchen he hears Jared saying, "Dude, it's not okay to talk to Jensen like that," and Chad mumbling an apology, Jared saying, "I'm not the one who needs to hear it."
Chad never apologizes and Jensen doesn't really expect him to, but he doesn't bring over any banned food anymore, and the next day he and Jared take the girls to the Museum of Science and Industry for the day, to see the IMAX show and play around with all the interactive stuff. Jensen's taking the time to check his email and look at player stats for the upcoming season. Football is starting soon and he thinks the Cowboys have a good chance this year, maybe they'll make it to the Superbowl. Their defense is killer. That's when he remembers the script.
It's been almost a week since he got it. His week is almost up and he hasn't thought about it, not really, because he can't do it, so there's just-it's not an issue. There's no point, and that's what he's going to tell Cameron when he calls. But, he should. As a professional courtesy, because it's Cameron and he gave Jensen his first big break, really, and it's James fucking Cameron, he should read it. He should at least read it.
*
Jared doesn't bring the girls home until after dinner. Since they're already on the South Side, they brave the Hyde Park parking and eat at Giordano's. Lizzie manages to eat an entire piece of pizza by herself even though it's probably bigger than her head. Chad eggs her on and Jared thinks about saying something, but Lizzie is determined and stubborn and Jared thinks Jensen wouldn't approve at all, but it's probably a good lesson. Charlie says, "Lizzie, you're gonna puke," and Chad laughs, but Jared's not really surprised when Lizzie runs for the restroom a few minutes later. It's a really big piece of pizza, and she's big for her age but she's still really small. She's only four.
They get home late and it's almost bedtime anyway. Jensen's not there, or he's in the bedroom, maybe, so Jared gets Lizzie some soda water to settle her stomach and sits them in front of the television to watch a TiVo'd episode of Lazytown, which the girls love and Jared thinks is slightly freaky. He tries to not be around when it's on, mostly, but they've already watched all the Charlie and Lolas and Jared doesn't think Jensen would approve of Battlestar Galactica reruns. Lazytown is fucked up though, with all the random plastic people and the old guy's weirdo moustache, and the way they're always singing everything. The little girl is really into pink.
"Daddy," Lizzie says, crawling into his lap and sipping at her soda carefully, "Daddy, I want to be Stephanie for Halloween. Can I have pink hair, Daddy? Pink's my favorite color."
"We'll see, baby," Jared says, and squeezes her carefully. Charlie huffs a little and snuggles against his side. She's so quiet sometimes, not like Jared was when he was a kid at all. He knows it's not genetically possible or whatever, but she's so much like Jensen sometimes. She looks like him, but she's moody and quiet like Jensen and she doesn't know how to ask for attention. Lizzie just demands it, but Charlie will just stare at him with big eyes until he does something. He smiles at her and runs his fingers through her curls, dark brown like his and usually uncontrollable. She's the cutest thing ever, and he really loves his girls.
"Daddy," Lizzie whispers. "Daddy, my tummy still hurts."
Jared hmmms and sets her down on the couch. "I'm gonna go and get Jensen, okay? He'll know what to do to make you feel better." But Jared's not worried, not really. She ate too much, she threw up. Her stomach is probably just sore, but Jared wants to find Jensen anyway. Plus, Lazytown seriously creeps him out. Jared doesn't like things that look like people but aren't. He has issues with mannequins, too. It makes shopping sort of stressful.
Jensen's in the bedroom, asleep with his reading glasses on and something open on his chest. Jared smiles and sits down next to him, picks up the book-script, actually, it's a script-and sets it aside. The bedroom door is closed and the girls are fine, they're watching television and Lazytown has another half hour of freaky plastic people and gravity-defying dance moves left, so Jared feels pretty okay with pulling down Jensen's sleep pants and tonguing him awake.
"Jared?" Jensen mumbles sleepily. "What's going on?"
"I was gonna give you a blowjob, if that's all right."
"I think," Jensen gasps a little and Jared smiles against his thigh, sucks at the smooth skin there, "yeah. I think. Yes, I approve of the plan."
But then there's a knock at the door and Charlie saying, "Daddy?" so Jared pulls away with a groan, rolls off the bed and heads for the door while Jensen yanks his pants up.
"What's wrong, baby?" Jared kneels down, rubs his hands up and down Charlie's arms. She looks like she's about to cry.
"Lizzie's sick. She's crying. I think she's really sick."
Lizzie isn't really sick. She wants attention, she wants Jensen. Jensen takes her back to their bedroom and Jared goes into the girls' room, lets Charlie pick out a book. They all pile onto the bed and Jensen reads aloud, Charlie and Lizzie between them until the girls fall asleep. Jensen finishes reading anyway and Jared just closes his eyes and listens. He loves Jensen's voice, thinks Jensen could do really well as a voice actor. There was a script before, Jared remembers. Jensen was reading a script and he fell asleep.
He means to ask about it, but by the time they get the girls settled into their own beds, Jared's convinced himself it doesn't matter. If it's important Jensen will tell him. It's just a script, his agent probably sent it to him and it doesn't mean anything. Jared's not worried. There's nothing to worry about.
"Dude, your kid's a brat," he tells Jensen as they get ready for bed. Brushing teeth, exfoliating, fun stuff. Jensen inspects his front teeth in the mirror, flosses a little more and licks at them. It's sort of hot. Jared thinks it's sort of hot, which is pretty weird. Teeth aren't sexy. Jared's a weird guy though. "Your kid's a fucking cockblocker, man."
"So-wait. So, when she does something bratty, she's my kid. But when she does something cute, she's yours. Is that how this is working, now?"
Jared grins and grabs Jensen's hand, pulls him toward the bed. "Damn straight. See. See, the brattiness is totally genetic. And the cuteness is, like, socialized or whatever."
"Uh huh. You’re the one who let her eat so much, dickwad."
"I was teaching her a life lesson. It's, you know, two-fold, actually. Because one, she learned that eating too much pizza is a bad idea, and b, being bulimic would be painful and gross. I was saving her from a terrible adolescence of eating disorders. Now come on, I wanna suck you."
"Hmm." Jensen lets himself be pulled out of the bathroom, lets Jared shove him down onto the bed. "Well," he says, with a heavy sigh, like he's so long-suffering or something, having to put up with Jared, "I guess, you know. It's sort of the least you can do."
*
Before Anne was actually and officially pregnant, before the whole test tube mixing, baby-making science experiment thing happened and they were just talking about it, just looking through egg donor catalogues and joking about whether the chick sounded like she had big tits or not, before Jensen had to endure way too many digs about Jessica Alba and having part-animal bits-before all that, Jensen didn't really think too much about what it meant to have kids. He never really thought he would because, hello, gay and a man and really not equipped for that sort of thing, but Jared was so excited and had all these ideas and before he knew it, there they were on the floor of Jensen's-their, whatever, he was still getting used to the idea of them together and sharing and all that-apartment with brochures spread everywhere. No pictures, because they didn't want to be all superficial about it, but personality profiles, likes and dislikes, test scores, IQ scores. Jensen looked at all of it and thought it would be really cool to have a super baby. Although not if actual animal parts were involved. He was willing to give up the super baby status to ensure an all-human kid.
Jensen came home one night from rehearsal pretty much dead on his feet and wishing he'd never agreed to do this summer thing with the Neo-Futurists, because he loved the whole Too Much Light, short-plays thing and it was fun and exciting and every night was different with live theatre, but it was exhausting, too, so yeah. But Jensen came home after a show and it was two in the morning, it was a Saturday night and Jared waited up for him. He was just sitting there, grinning, and Jensen knew. Anne was pregnant. Knocked up. In the family way. It was done. Anne was going have their kid.
It wasn't until that moment that Jensen started freaking out.
When they found out it was going to be a girl, Jensen pretended to be all calm about it, but every other moment he felt like throwing up because how was he supposed to raise a girl? It never occurred to him that they'd have a girl. He just always thought during the whole selection process and forking over the cash for the eggs and the fertilization crap that they'd end up with a cute little boy and they'd teach him how to throw spirals and it'd be fun, they'd have, like, a little version of Jared. But a girl. A girl was something completely different. They could still teach her how to throw a perfect spiral, maybe, but there'd be other stuff, too. Dresses and dolls and girly stuff, and Jensen wasn't prepared at all.
After writing sessions in the dusty little theatre that housed the Neo-Futurist group, Zooey and Beth would shove book after book into Jensen's hands and say things like, "She has to be a feminist, Jensen, you can't let her turn into one of those spoiled little princess girls who goes to college to get her MRS and never wants to do anything important with her life."
"No Disney," Zooey told him about a million times. "Or like, maybe the shit about animals is okay, but don't let her near that princess crap. Especially The Little Mermaid. That shit will psychologically scar her for the rest of her life."
His stint with the Neo-Futurists ended soon after that and he had all this time to just sit around with Anne and watch her get fatter and fatter and worry and basically freak himself the fuck out. They found a permanent place in Chicago-their place in the co-op in Boystown because Jensen decided he wanted to live someplace where his kid wouldn't feel like a freak for having two dads. Chicago was big and busy and Jensen could do his theatre stuff here-more with the Neo-Futurists or maybe a season of Second City if he had the chops for it, if he could even get in. He read all the books Zooey and Beth gave him and they only made him freak out more. Childbirth was probably the most disgusting thing he could ever think of, but he was even more worried about the psychology stuff-the no Disney, gender-neutral toys, never let her feel like being a girl means being less stuff. It was really hard being a girl in American society, Jensen thought. It was really hard and really complicated, and he just. He already loved the kid. He already loved her, just feeling her kick around inside Anne. It was the coolest thing even if it was pretty gross, and he just really didn't want to fuck this up.
Jensen still reads the books, now, although less obsessively, and he thinks he's done a pretty good job with the girls. They've done a pretty good job, because Jared doesn't read anything Jensen gives him but he loves the girls enough for ten people and he wants what's best for them, always. Jared didn't really get the whole feminist thing at first, but he's pretty into it in his own way, Jensen thinks, and he tries. That's the most important thing. Jensen wants their girls to be strong and not afraid to be themselves, and Jared gets that. He gets that it's important.
Jensen still talks to Beth and Zooey sometimes and they're always begging him to come back and do Too Much Light again, but Jensen has the girls now and it's just too much of a time commitment. He did it again that first summer after Lizzie was born and it was great, it's always great to perform and write and act, but the girls needed him and Jared was getting more and more offers and they'd already asked so much of Anne. It wasn't fair to ask her to give up even more of her life to hang out at the house when Jensen and Jared were both gone, so that was pretty much it.
"I love being with them," Jensen tells Beth, poking idly at his salad. They're eating in the theatre because Beth doesn't have a lot of time, the show is really packed this week and they have to get the timing just right. Jensen remembers what that was like, the whole thirty-plays-in-sixty-minutes thing, the adrenaline rush and the audience shouting out the numbers of the sketches they wanted to see, the sound of the clock ticking down over all of it.
"I hear a 'but' in there." Beth takes a huge bite of her sandwich and motions for him to get on with it.
Jensen frowns. "But, yeah. I love being with them, but I'm just, you know. I feel weird about it. I don't do anything. I'm like a freaking soccer mom or something, it's fucking sick."
"There's nothing wrong with staying at home," Beth says. "It's as much a job as anything else, just less recognition and less pay."
"No, I know. I mean, I'm not, like, devaluing it or whatever, but you know. Fuck, I feel like a terrible person saying this, but-it's not enough sometimes. I spend all my time with little kids and it's like, I need an adult conversation, I need to do something that isn't about them."
"It's the feminine mystique," Beth says. "I pretty much hate Betty Friedan, but she was totally right about it. You have the housewife blues, Jensen. Which is actually pretty hilarious." Beth grins.
"It's not, okay? It's not. I feel fucking guilty as hell, here. I love my kids. I should want to be with them and I shouldn't-it's not that I resent them, exactly, because I don't and they're the best thing we ever decided to do, but. It's just, I dunno. It's hard."
Beth laughs. "And what-you thought it'd be easy?"
"Not easy." Definitely not easy, Jensen thinks, considering the sheer number of freak outs he's had over the past five years. "Just-different. And, um, I sort of, I got an offer. A movie offer."
"That's great, Jensen! Is it any good? I didn't know you were going back to work. You should've told me, I could've gotten you in on Too Much Light this summer."
"No, it's not-I'm not sure. I mean, the script is." He sighs and stabs his fork through a cucumber. "This script is amazing and I really want to do it, but we just. I haven't worked since the girls were really little and it's so much. It's maybe too much and it would be sort of a big deal and a lot of change so I just, I don't know."
Beth points her fork at him and narrows her eyes. "You do know," she says. "It's the feminine mystique, baby. The girls will probably always be the most important thing in your life, but they're not the only thing, okay? You have to let yourself know that and be okay with that."
Jensen frowns. "Stop analyzing me. I know what you're doing, Ms. I-Was-A-Teenaged-Psych-Major."
Beth just smiles. "My degree was expensive and useless, and I have the student loans to prove it. But you know I'm right."
"You just want me to start working again so you can use my pretty face to draw crowds."
"Oh Jensen. It was never your face that got people buying tokens. You know we only love you for your ass."
"Understandable," Jensen says, and smirks. "Did they have yoga in Betty Freidan's day? Because if there's one thing about the feminine mystique, it's that it cultivates some fine booty."
Jensen doesn't think about it again until he's on his way home and he walks right by the library and thinks, maybe they have some Betty Friedan. The librarian doesn't even blink at his request, just points him toward the women's studies section. Jensen's read most of the books here because he has a lot of free time and he really does care about this stuff, and he finds The Feminine Mystique right away, flips through it a little. He doesn't know how much it really applies to him because he's not unhappy or whatever, but he sort of sees her point about wasted potential and how life is more than just that one thing. It's more than just your kids, no matter how important they are, and it's not something to feel guilty over-wanting more.
Jensen's not unhappy or whatever, but he's maybe discontent. It would be a big change, he thinks, but so was the whole thing with Jared and having the girls. They were the biggest things that ever happened to him, but they were the best things too, so maybe. Maybe it's time.
*
Jared has this theory about watching television, about how most people will just sit there in front of the box and watch what's in front of them and not think about it or be, you know, really involved in the whole thing. But Jared has this theory, or well, really, Alexis had this theory that she kind of forced onto Jared back in the day when they were pretending at dating, about how television is like reading and it should be an active experience. It's not enough to just sit there and watch and passively accept. You have to take in what you're watching and think about it and analyze it.
This is what Jared always tells the girls, only he uses much smaller words and tries to do it by example. The girls watch maybe more television than people say kids should watch, but that's okay because television was sort of his life for a while, his and Jensen's, so it's pretty important and he just, he wants the girls to be able to appreciate it, even if it's just the freaky show about the dust bunny village beneath the couch or something.
They don't have a scheduled television time or anything, but they have TiVo so it's pretty easy and then the girls don't have to watch commercials. Jensen doesn't want them watching commercials anyway, unless they're for like, iPod or something, because he thinks they're morally corrupt and make good music bad. Jared thinks that really, Jensen just doesn't want the girls seeing Barbies on TV and begging for them.
So they don't have a schedule but when he's home, Jared likes to sit down with the girls and watch their shows with them. Jensen's usually doing other things, checking his email and keeping up with his football stats and shit, so Jared gets the girls to himself and he can just spread out on the couch with them on either side of him, snuggling in close, and watch. Active watching, he tells himself, and turns on the television.
Charlie and Lola is Charlie's favorite, of course it is. "Why is it your favorite?" Jared asks her after the first episode. The episodes are short, only seven or ten minutes long, usually. "What makes it so good?"
"I like Charlie," Charlie says. "I think, um, he's a good brother and he loves Lola."
Lizzie giggles and leans against Jared. "Lola's funny," she says. "She's mean sometimes."
They talk about the episode, about how Lola pretended to be sick to stay home from school and Charlie was really worried about her, about what that means and how Charlie might've felt when he found out Lola was lying. Jared can't wait for the girls to get older so they can start watching real television. He can't wait to show them Buffy. He thinks Jensen might even watch, then. But this is good for now.
Because Buffy is all about the big things and love conquering all and sacrifice and it's-Jared wishes he'd watched it when it was on television the first time. Jared's sort of a dreamer, he knows this, and he believes in love. It sounds stupid and it's not something he talks about because who says things like that, really, but he does, he believes. He's only been in love three times and only one of those ever lasted long enough to make him ever think, this is the one, and that's Jensen, so, yeah.
And it's not, it wasn't something he was looking for or even thinking to look for. It just happened and it took a while; it took a long time. He kept thinking Jensen would get tired of waiting, get frustrated and leave and maybe that's what Jared was aiming for because the whole gay thing wasn't something he wanted. But it happened and Jensen didn't give up and now, yeah, Jared's pretty fucking glad about that. Everything just sort of clicked one night and he thought, this is it. This is it, and he hasn't questioned his decision since.
"Daddy," Lizzie says. "Daddy daddy daddydaddy!" She pokes him in the ribs and bounces up and down on the couch.
"You're being very annoying," Jared tells her.
"Yes! We wanna watch another one!"
"Are you going to stop being annoying? Are you going to actually sit still and watch and pay attention?"
"Yes, Daddy. Come on. Please?"
"Please, Daddy," this time from Charlie. She's trying to do a British accent like the kids on the show and it's too adorable. Jared can't help it, he's a sucker and his kids are the cutest things ever. It's probably good Jensen makes all the rules because Jared would never be able to stick to them.
"Fine, fine. One more. And then it's bedtime," Jared says, and smiles.
*
It's not like Jensen's waiting around for James Cameron to call. He's not, like, some junior high school girl whose best friend told her that the boy she likes best friend told her that Billy is thinking about maybe asking her to the dance and would she say yes if he did. For one thing, because if Jensen was any kind of girl, he'd totally be the shy girl who reads books on the bleachers at school and listens to Nine Inch Nails and hates the world for making her too pretty to be able to pull off grunge. Or something. But also, because he's not waiting. He just, you know, happens to have decided to stay home from yoga today, and Jared offered to take the girls to the library, so he's alone. Home alone, and definitely not looking over the script and trying to figure out how he can possibly turn this down.
Because the thing is, it's pretty much the best role ever written.
James Dean. He'd get to play James fucking Dean. And not just that. He'd get to play gay James Dean. And it's Van Sant, which means it'll be either incredibly brilliant or mind-numbingly boring, but. James Dean! Because apparently, or at least according to Wikipedia, James Dean was pretty gay, or maybe bisexual, but definitely not straight. The whole idea is sort of blowing Jensen's mind, but he's not waiting for Cameron to call, because it's not like he can do it, anyway. Jensen's the one who said, "You have a job and I'm sick of network politics anyway, I need a break. I'll stay home." And it's not like Jensen meant forever and Jared knows that, Jensen's sure he does, but the girls aren't even in school yet, so he really. He can't do it.
Except that now, he maybe really really wants to.
But Cameron doesn't call and then Jared and the girls are home, and Jared somehow thought it would be a great idea to bring home McDonald's, which is possibly one of the most purposefully stupid things he's ever done, especially after the Boston Market fiasco.
"But Jensen," he says calmly, popping open the happy meal cartons for the girls and sitting them down at the kitchen table, "McDonald's tastes good. And look-toys!" He holds up a tiny red race car, smiling hopefully with big, wide eyes, like a stupid plastic toy is going to make Jensen forget about how McDonald's is responsible for the destruction of the rainforest, not to mention factory farming and the beef industry's-
"Dude. Is that a transformer?" Innocent cattle being horribly tortured is pretty bad, Jensen thinks, but transformers almost make up for it. And besides, Jared already bought the food, and later, when the girls get sick off of poor-quality meat, Jared can clean up the mess. He'll learn his lesson, Jensen will have transformers, and everyone will be happy.
"You're so easy, man," Jared says, smirking a little and taking a long sip from his coke.
"I wanted the doll," Lizzie says, poking at her hamburger sullenly, "but Daddy said no because. Because he's mean."
"Daddy said the doll represents the, the patriotical oppresionism of women," Charlie adds.
"Patriarchal oppression, baby," Jared corrects, smiling. "But that was really close."
"I don't care about patriots," Lizzie says. She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at her food. "Daddy's mean and I want the doll! Cars are dumb. Cars make pollution."
"Jensen," Jared says, frowning, "we're terrible parents."
Jensen's not really paying attention, though, because, dude-transformers! He hasn't seen one of these since he was a kid. They're still the coolest thing ever. He just wishes he had more, or maybe the ones that you stick altogether to form the mega transformer. Optimus Prime? Or is that from Star Trek?
The phone rings and Lizzie scrambles out of her chair to answer it. "Hello?" she says. The phone is almost as big as her head. She frowns. "No, this is Lizzie. Who's this?" She pauses, takes the phone away from her ear and covers the speaker with her hand. "Daddy," she says to Jensen, "It's a man called James. He sounds old. And mean. Are you here?"
Jared gives him a questioning look and Jensen ignores it, takes the phone from Lizzie and tries not to think too much about what's going on. "James," he says, "sorry about that. My kid likes to answer the phone."
"It's fine. I take it you've read the script."
"I. Yeah, I did."
"Great. I'm faxing the details over to your agent. We start filming next month, and if everything goes according to schedule, we want to premier it at Sundance, try to find a distributor."
"James, I." He looks at Jared eating his burger, at Lizzie covering her fries in Ketchup and Charlie spinning the wheels on her transformer. "I really want to do this, but. I can't. I have, you know. I have a family. I can't just leave."
Cameron sighs. "Lots of people have families, Jensen. You have to do this. It's not a lot of money, but it's a great role and if you don't do it, I'm going to have to ask DiCarprio. I know how you feel about him."
"I hate you," Jensen says, closes his eyes and leans his forehead against the fridge. "I'm gay, you know that, right?"
"You say that like it's a secret."
"Um. Kind of it is."
"Honey, everyone knows. So, I'll fax the details and let Gus know you're in."
"I really, really hate you."
"I know. I'll see you in a month."
*
Jared still remembers when Anne was pregnant with Charlie, still thinks about it a lot. She was living with them then, and Jared had taken time off of working during her third trimester. He wasn't even doing voice over work then, it was just him and Jensen and Anne in their new place in Chicago, the new condo they'd just bought that Jensen still called an apartment, because "dude, it has a number, it doesn't matter if we own it or whatever."
Anne was huge. Her ankles hurt all the time, and he and Jensen used to sit on the floor in front of the couch to massage them. And they'd talk to the baby. To Charlie, who didn't have a name yet, and who they'd end up calling Charlotte or 'baby' or 'girl' until Lizzie was born and they had to get more inventive.
"Hey, baby girl," Jensen would say, and press his cheek against Anne's belly, which Jared privately thought was pretty gross, because pregnancy? Really not pretty, like, at all. But Jensen read all these books about childbirth, What to Expect When You're Expecting and all that, even though he wasn't even the one that had to birth the kid.
"We have to talk to her when she's in the womb, J," he'd say, lips moving a little as he read, glasses perched so precariously on his nose that Jared was sure they'd fall off. Jensen would read in bed, and when he got to any particularly disgusting descriptions about, like, placenta and afterbirth and how, sometimes, the perineum tears in childbirth and that's why Anne should have a C-section because, "dude, she's already doing us this huge thing, we don't want to ruin her vagina for life, too" he'd read out loud so Jared could suffer having to know this shit, too.
The whole thing was pretty weird. Pretty weird and sort of gross, and the fact that Jared didn't even like looking at Anne's big belly even if it was his kid inside, much less touch the damn thing, sort of made him wonder if this was such a good idea at all. It was his idea. He was the one who said, "It's you forever, Jen, and I want to have kids with you." And yeah, so he'd said it when they were fucking, when he was so deep inside Jensen he felt like he'd lose his mind, but he'd meant it. He'd meant it then, he meant it now. But now he was the one who was freaked out by the entire disgusting, fluid-filled baby-birthing process, and it sort of made him wonder. If he was cut out for this. For being a dad. For doing this huge thing with Jensen, because once it was done, there was no turning back.
When he called his mom and told her, he thought he might start crying and he got hooked on his own words, but then she said, "JT, that's your child and I have no doubt you'll love it when it comes out."
"Her," Jared said. "It's, you know. It's a girl. So, her."
And then Charlie was born, and his mom was right like always, he did love her. He maybe loved her more than anything, even Jensen, until Lizzie was born. He never believed his parents when they gave him that "we love you all equally" shit, but he does now, because it's true. He loves them, he loves his girls, maybe a little bit more than he loves Jensen even, but not by much.
He loves his girls and he loves Jensen, which is why, when Jensen hangs up the phone and gives him this look, this confused, hurt look, like he's got something important to say and can't quite find his words, Jared just shakes his head once, quick, so the girls don't see, and mouths, "Later." If Jensen's going to. If he's going to leave, leave Jared, take the girls, or leave all of them. If he's going to leave like the sudden empty hole in his stomach is telling Jared that's what this is all about, because what else could make Jensen look like that? If Jensen's going to leave them, or him, Jared doesn't want the girls around for that argument. His parents argued enough when he was little, when they were going through their four-year-long rough patch, and he doesn't want the girls to go through that.
Jared finishes his dinner, suddenly thinking that McDonald's was the worst idea he's had pretty much ever, despite the transformers and everything, because now he feels like he might throw up. He folds his hands together under the table, laces his fingers and clenches and tries not to wonder about that look Jensen gave him. He tries to think about the girls, makes sure they don't eat too fast or drink too much at once or accidentally swallow transformer pieces or whatever, but it's hard, it's really hard to concentrate, and the only thing he can really think is, Who's James?
He's pretty sure Jensen's not cheating on him, because unless he has a Time Turner or something, there's no way Jensen has enough free time in the day to stray. But he's not happy, either, and Jared knows it. Has known it for a while now. It's gotten harder and harder to make Jensen smile and it used to be so fucking easy. Jensen loves the girls as much as he does, but they're not enough for him and Jared knows that, too. He just. He hasn't wanted to really think about it because he's not sure what that means, and maybe they rushed into have kids and having Charlie, but Jared's not sorry about that, either. He can't be. But that doesn't mean he wants Jensen all unhappy and itchy like he is now. All controlling because he's too sharp to only be doing this and he doesn't have anything else to concentrate on except what foods are bad and the girls shouldn't have caffeine and anti-bacterial soap will ruin their immune systems.
Jared collects the McDonald's wrappers, crumples them up and shoves them in the paper carryout bag they came in, tries to send calm, happy vibes to the girls and hope they don't notice anything's wrong. He shoves the trash in the recycling bin, empties the leftover ice from their drinks into the sink, pulls out the plastic straws and lids and throws them in one bin, the paper in the other. Behind him, Jensen is telling the girls to go play outside in the courtyard, he and Jared want to watch from the screen porch and see how high they can get on the swings.
The girls run out, racing to the swings, competitive already, just like him and Jensen. Jensen takes his hand, pulls him out back to their tiny screened-in porch just big enough for a loveseat and the old wicker chair Jensen bought at a yard sale from the ancient woman down the street their first week in the condo. It's uncomfortable as hell but Jensen refuses to get rid of it and Lizzie likes to sit in it now, pile it up with pillows and run her fingers along the basket weave. The old woman died last year, Jared thinks. She maybe had cancer, or she was just too old. Something.
Jensen pulls him down onto the couch and doesn't let go of his hand. They just watch the girls for a minute, Charlie giving Lizzie a few starter pushes on the swing before jumping on the other one, their legs pumping, faces glowing orange and pink in the late afternoon sun. Jared can hear them a little over the sound of the red line train rumbling past a few blocks west, shrieking little mindless sounds that only kids can make.
"Hey," Jensen says, and kisses him once, soft, and then again, a little harder. Jared doesn't let himself think about what it might mean.
"Hey," Jared says back. Then, "What's. C'mon, Jensen. You gotta talk to me, here. You're freaking me out, okay?"
Jensen nods. "It's. It's not what you think. I'm not, there's not someone else, and I'm not leaving, okay? I wouldn't. You know that."
Mind reader, Jared thinks, but says, "Yeah. I do. Yes." He does. Jensen wouldn't leave. This is their life, this is love. He wouldn't just leave.
"That was, um." He laughs a little. "That was James Cameron on the phone and he wants. He wants me to do this film. And I think. I think I'm going to do it."
"Oh." Jared can't help but feel slightly gypped. He was all geared up for a big fight, and then this. Except, "But we decided. I mean, you said you were done, at least until the girls-they aren't even in school yet, and I thought-"
"I know, okay? I know what I said." Jensen's still holding his hand, but he's squeezing now, tight, and it hurts just a little. "But this is. Jared, you have to read the script. I can't not do it. It's. You knew, going into this, that I would go back to acting one day. You know how much I love it. And it's maybe sooner than we thought, but man. This part. I can't turn it down."
"I. I don't know what to say." Jared doesn't have his next project lined up. It's not like this is inconceivable, but he's going to have to start promo for his last couple films soon, and one of them was less Indie, more blockbustery, which means red carpets and being seen and maybe doing some talk shows. Which has never been a problem before, but Jensen was never working before and they always said no leaving the girls with their moms, that they wanted to raise the girls themselves.
"It's. Things will have to change, and I know it's a lot to ask, but Jared. I need it, you know I do. And I've waited and fuck. I love the girls and I love you, but I love acting, too. I sound so fucking retarded right now, but that's how it is."
"You don't sound retarded." Jared tries to smile, but he can tell he doesn't quite manage by the pained look on Jensen's face.
"And I want to come out," Jensen says then. "I want us to come out, together. And just, you know, it's not a big deal. Just act like it's not, because it's not, and we're not even that famous anymore so it's not like people will care."
"You don't think people will care that we've been lying to them for the past six years?"
But Jensen doesn't answer because the girls are running up the back steps, slamming the screen door behind them and trying to climb onto the couch even though there's no room. Lizzie is breathless and grinning on his lap, squirming around and shrieking loud when Jared tickles her ribs. He does smile then, looks at Jensen bouncing Charlie up and down on his knees and thinks, this kind of sucks right now. It sucks a lot, and he doesn't know what's going to happen because Jensen's asking something pretty impossible, but he's not going to leave, and that's something. It's maybe everything that matters.
*
Links: Part 1 | Part 3 | Table of Contents
He knows it's totally girly and cliché and, well, gay, but Jensen really, really loves yoga. The studio he goes to is just off Ashland so he usually ends up running there and back to get some cardio in, unless he's feeling super lazy that day but really, sometimes taking the train is more work than anything else, so.
So he usually ends up running there, his iPod set to whatever new thing Chris has sent him. Chris is always sending him music play list downloads of whoever he's obsessed with that week and sometimes it's the only way they really communicate for weeks at a time, but it's good, too. It's nice. Usually Jensen can tell a lot more about how Chris is doing from his music choices than he can from actually talking to him. This week it's Rhett Miller, some older things he did with the Old 97s and some newer solo stuff. This week Chris is happy.
Jensen leaves the girls at the daycare co-op and starts off down Belmont. He loves this neighborhood, loves this city, and it feels good just to be out in it. He loves that even at nine in the morning there are people milling around-punk goth girls waiting for the tattoo place to open, businessmen sitting in the window booths at Clark's drinking coffee and reading the Trib, cute gay boys blocking up the sidewalk in front of the weird vintage Hollywood store, staring at the display window. Last week there were blowup dolls dressed as Star Wars characters having a light saber battle, but now it's a dominatrix mannequin lying stiffly on a 1950s-style mint green chaise lounge. Jensen sort of loves the lounge, but he doesn't think he's prepared to explain S&M to Lizzie quite yet so he probably won't be coming back to get it.
Lizzie is always demanding explanations. She has to know the why of everything and sometimes it makes Jensen miss Richardson where they were taught to say, "Yes ma'am" and "No sir," and not question everything. But he only misses it sometimes because really, that's not how he wants the girls raised. Charlie's smart as hell but she's quiet and she likes to figure things out on her own; Lizzie doesn't have the patience for that so everything comes with a "but why?" attached to it and that's good, Jensen thinks. He's been slowly making his way through Carol Gilligan and Joan Jacobs Brumberg, so he knows-it's a good thing that she's questioning stuff like that. It means she has her own mind.
Besides which, the word 'sir' gives him bad porn flashbacks, and then he's back to explaining S&M so just-no.
He gets to yoga with ten minutes to spare. Most of the class is already there with their mats spread out on the floor, talking and stretching and all that. Jensen is the only guy in the class but he doesn't care. At least the women don't try to hit on him here because it's pretty obvious he's gay, but sometimes he wears his Pride t-shirt from last summer just to make it absolutely clear. He gets hit on all the time now and at first it was nice because hey, people thinking he's pretty-always nice. But after a while it just gets annoying and living in Boystown probably doesn't help. He tries not to blame them for wanting him, though. He's hot, he's just a really hot guy, it's not their fault they can't resist him.
Jensen grabs his mat from his locker and lays it out, starts stretching his legs out from his run. The room buzzes with conversation and mostly it's quiet except for the three women behind him who are having an extremely loud conversation that they probably mean for him to overhear and god, Jensen hopes the girls don't end up like these bitches. After four years of reading all the vaguely readable feminist literature he can find at Powell's, Jensen likes to think he sort of understands women, but he doesn't understand people like this at all. They're like aliens, almost. It's like being back in LA.
"I swear," the anorexic one says, "it's like I'm dead inside. He wants sex all the time and I'm like, 'Asshole, get off me, are you done yet?'"
"Maybe he's doing it wrong," the pregnant one giggles. She's been in one stage of pregnancy or another since Jensen started taking classes three years ago. This is her fourth child, Jensen thinks, and it's pretty sick, they're like, those weird born agains who think condoms are a sin and God wants people to have as many babies as humanly possible. Jensen loves his kids and he wanted to have them more than anything, but he figures there are already a lot of people in the world. They don't need more. Plus, she's pretty ugly. Jensen feels sorry for anything that comes out of her because it's pretty much doomed to be unattractive.
"I'm asking for a G-Spot injection for my birthday," Anorexia says. "It's the least he can do after all the crap he puts me through."
"At least yours wants to fuck you," the third one says, the one who Jensen secretly thinks of as Kappa Delta Slutty. She wears the same sorority t-shirt every day to class and Jensen thinks, he's never letting the girls rush for a sorority if this is what they turn into. Plus, he's read that book, the one where the reporter went undercover as a rushee, so he knows-it's not a sisterhood so much as an excuse for group eating disorders and binge drinking. Peer groups are very important to the mental health of young girls, Jensen thinks. He doesn't want his daughters getting roofied and slutting their way through college. He doesn't want them thinking that that's how being a girl is supposed to go.
"Is this one gay, too?" the pregnant one asks.
"God, I hope not. But knowing my track record. That'll be, like, the third one in a row! It's, like, totally unfair. I mean, I way don't deserve this. My karma is all messed."
Or maybe you need to stop picking up guys in wife beaters outside Berlin on Saturday nights, Jensen thinks to himself.
"It's not your karma, sweetie," Pregnant says. "It's these gay guys. I swear, it's such a waste! It's, like, a national travesty or something."
Jensen can't help it, he turns around and glares. He doesn't care if the woman is pregnant, that's just, it's not okay to say shit like that when he's standing right there. Or ever, really, but he can't exactly control that. Now he really wishes she'd stop reproducing, if this is the kind of shit she's going to pass on to her kids.
"No offense, honey," Anorexia says with a big smile when she sees him staring. Right. No offense. Whatever. Like a bright smile and an 'I didn't mean it' makes it okay.
But before he can say anything the instructor walks in. Substitute instructor, apparently, because instead of Martha, the granola Buddhist lesbian who usually teaches the class, it's a guy. A hot guy. A really hot guy.
And the thing is, Jensen really does get hit on all the time, but he's never cheated and he's never really wanted to. It took Jared forever to be okay with what they have and even longer to be good with it, but Jensen was right there from the beginning, pretty much, from the first time they hooked up. Jared's always been enough for him, way more than enough when he's actually home, so usually Jensen's not even tempted.
But usually, there isn't the hottest guy Jensen's ever seen in real life bending over in front of him to stretch, wearing those tight, ultra-gay biking shorts things. He might as well be naked, Jensen's pretty sure he can see the guy's asscrack in those shorts. Not that Jensen's complaining.
The instructor's name is Jesse and he has a ridiculously gorgeous smile and spends most of the class walking between the mats, adjusting people's positions. Jensen maybe accidentally-on-purpose messes up most of the positions and Jesse has to correct him a lot, which involves a lot of touching and standing very close and Jesse pressing on his lower back or, once, his inner thigh and saying, "Here, can you feel that? That's the muscle you should be working with this position."
The women behind him spend the entire class giggling and whispering to each other but Jensen doesn't give a shit. Jesse smells like peppermint. Jensen is maybe a little tempted.
The class ends and Jensen rolls up his mat, sticks it in his locker, retrieves his iPod from the locker shelf. He's messing with the settings, trying to find the right play list when he smells peppermint. Jesse. Jensen fumbles with his headphones and smiles nervously.
"You're Jensen, right?" he says, smiling his gorgeous smile, looking all blond and hot and perfect. He's sweating a little and Jensen maybe wants to taste that. Jensen's been with a lot of guys, a couple girls but mostly guys and he hasn't been with anyone but Jared for forever. Usually he's not tempted, but this guy, Christ. Temptation fucking sucks, Jensen thinks. He sort of knows how Jared feels now.
He realizes he's just standing there looking like a total retard, not saying anything. "Um, yeah. Yeah, I'm Jensen. Hi." Talking to strangers isn't Jensen's strong suit. Sometimes he hates himself-it's why no one ever likes to send him on promo, he always comes off like a big weirdo. At least he's pretty, he thinks. It's usually enough to get him through.
"Hi." Another smile. "I, um, this is going to sound so dumb, but I'm a huge Days fan and uh, I thought. Would you maybe want to get a coffee or something?"
Jensen coughs. Yes, he thinks, but no. Because this isn't going anywhere that's possible and really, Jensen doesn't want it to. Jared can be an ass and he doesn't even want to say he's gay, but he's Jared, still, and Jensen's been in love with him for seven years. Lucky number seven, he thinks, and shakes his head. It could just be coffee, but he's not that guy and he won't do that to Jared or the girls. It took Jared so long to be okay with the whole gay thing and now he is, pretty much. He's good now and even if Jared still says he's only ever wanted Jensen for guys, even if that's the dumbest piece of denial Jensen's ever heard, it's a process. It's an ongoing thing and Jared's a good guy, a good man. Jared believes wholeheartedly in love and it's, really, it's what made Jensen fall for him in the first place, so. Lucky number seven, and Jensen's not going to fuck that up, not even a little bit, not even for a really hot guy who'd probably blow him right now and never talk about it to anyone.
It'd be a freebie. Jensen doesn't want it.
Jensen's doing it again, being quiet too long and staring and damn, he's really bad at this social interaction thing. "I'm sorry," Jesse says, smile disappearing. "I didn't mean, uh. I didn't mean to assume-"
"No, no. Seriously man, it's cool. I mean, I'm gay. You're assuming right." Jensen flashes a smile. Jesse seems like a nice guy and he's a fan, it doesn't hurt to be nice back. "I'm just, I'm with someone. I'm, uh, you know. I have a partner, so. It's just not a great idea, man. Sorry."
"Oh, hey, no. That's totally cool. Totally understandable." He takes a few steps back, smiles again, running his fingers through his hair. Jensen's still tempted, Jesse is still hot as fuck, but it's okay. Being tempted is okay, it doesn't make him a bad person, just a normal one or whatever. "I. He's a lucky guy," Jesse says.
Jensen grins. "Man, I tell him that everyday." But really, Jensen thinks, he's the lucky one.
*
Chad is in town to film something, he's playing an online pedophiliac stalker or something in some movie-of-the-week type deal, so he's at the house kind of a lot and he doesn't exactly annoy Jensen, but he definitely grates. He and Jared together are like kids, and Chad encourages Jared in all his bad habits. He lets the girls drink soda and eat fast food and gives them books of uncensored Grimm's fairytales, which Jensen refuses to read to them but they somehow get read anyway, and then there are nightmares and Charlie wanting to sleep in with them and Lizzie being a brat and making fun of her.
Chad is-he's tiresome, Jensen thinks, and Jensen's always happier when he's not around. But he's Jared's best friend and he's mostly a good godfather to Charlie, so Jensen deals. Jared doesn't like Chris, either, so. He doesn't say it, ever, he doesn't come out and say, "I don't like Chris," but he's always really polite when Chris is around. Jared's not really polite, he's not that kind of guy, and his lips do that thing where they tighten in the corners. It's the expression he gets when he's tolerating something. But the point is, Jensen's not going to say anything about Chad, ever, because Jared tolerates Chris and Jensen used to be in love with Chris, so it's kind of a big deal. Jared was never in love with Chad. Or at least, he never wanted to fuck Chad, and Jensen knows enough to understand that there's a difference.
So Chad's in town and he's at the house a lot. He comes for dinners and complains about Jensen's organic-only rule. He brings Boston Market one night. Jensen really wants to tell the girls they're not allowed to have it, because seriously, it's gross and Jensen knows where that chicken comes from, he read all about the Tyson company on the PETA website and it's just sick, but Jared gives him this look and Chad rolls his eyes so Jensen just lets them eat it. Jensen doesn't eat any, though. He has a Boca burger and doesn't say anything until the girls are watching TV in the living room after and Jensen's washing up, dumping the leftovers in the trash compactor and trying not to watch little bits of tortured chicken go down the garbage disposal.
"You know they torture the chickens. I mean, the company Boston Market uses. And they use, you know. They use chemicals. Hormones, and like, fifty percent of the chickens die from it." He scrubs hard at Lizzie's dish. She didn't finish her apple things and they're stuck to the plate now.
"But chicken tastes good," Chad says, grinning.
"But there's. They cut off their beaks. You don't have to buy tortured chicken. We have money, we don't have to support that stuff and I don't appreciate you bringing it to the girls, okay?"
"Your wife's a bitch, dude," Chad tells Jared. Jensen wants to punch him. Really, pretty badly, he wants to hit Chad. He scrubs harder at the plate until the apple comes off in a gloppy, soapy mess.
Jared just smiles wide and comes up behind Jensen, settles his chin on Jensen's shoulder. "He cares about animals. I think it's sweet, man. You could do with maybe caring about things, sometimes." He kisses Jensen on the neck and pulls the dish out of his hands, nudging him to the side, away from the sink. "Come on, we'll do that. Go make sure the girls aren't, like, accidentally watching porn. Or MTV."
"You just don't want me to kick Chad's ass." But Jensen smiles a little. He still wants to hit Chad, but he feels a little better, and when he leaves the kitchen he hears Jared saying, "Dude, it's not okay to talk to Jensen like that," and Chad mumbling an apology, Jared saying, "I'm not the one who needs to hear it."
Chad never apologizes and Jensen doesn't really expect him to, but he doesn't bring over any banned food anymore, and the next day he and Jared take the girls to the Museum of Science and Industry for the day, to see the IMAX show and play around with all the interactive stuff. Jensen's taking the time to check his email and look at player stats for the upcoming season. Football is starting soon and he thinks the Cowboys have a good chance this year, maybe they'll make it to the Superbowl. Their defense is killer. That's when he remembers the script.
It's been almost a week since he got it. His week is almost up and he hasn't thought about it, not really, because he can't do it, so there's just-it's not an issue. There's no point, and that's what he's going to tell Cameron when he calls. But, he should. As a professional courtesy, because it's Cameron and he gave Jensen his first big break, really, and it's James fucking Cameron, he should read it. He should at least read it.
*
Jared doesn't bring the girls home until after dinner. Since they're already on the South Side, they brave the Hyde Park parking and eat at Giordano's. Lizzie manages to eat an entire piece of pizza by herself even though it's probably bigger than her head. Chad eggs her on and Jared thinks about saying something, but Lizzie is determined and stubborn and Jared thinks Jensen wouldn't approve at all, but it's probably a good lesson. Charlie says, "Lizzie, you're gonna puke," and Chad laughs, but Jared's not really surprised when Lizzie runs for the restroom a few minutes later. It's a really big piece of pizza, and she's big for her age but she's still really small. She's only four.
They get home late and it's almost bedtime anyway. Jensen's not there, or he's in the bedroom, maybe, so Jared gets Lizzie some soda water to settle her stomach and sits them in front of the television to watch a TiVo'd episode of Lazytown, which the girls love and Jared thinks is slightly freaky. He tries to not be around when it's on, mostly, but they've already watched all the Charlie and Lolas and Jared doesn't think Jensen would approve of Battlestar Galactica reruns. Lazytown is fucked up though, with all the random plastic people and the old guy's weirdo moustache, and the way they're always singing everything. The little girl is really into pink.
"Daddy," Lizzie says, crawling into his lap and sipping at her soda carefully, "Daddy, I want to be Stephanie for Halloween. Can I have pink hair, Daddy? Pink's my favorite color."
"We'll see, baby," Jared says, and squeezes her carefully. Charlie huffs a little and snuggles against his side. She's so quiet sometimes, not like Jared was when he was a kid at all. He knows it's not genetically possible or whatever, but she's so much like Jensen sometimes. She looks like him, but she's moody and quiet like Jensen and she doesn't know how to ask for attention. Lizzie just demands it, but Charlie will just stare at him with big eyes until he does something. He smiles at her and runs his fingers through her curls, dark brown like his and usually uncontrollable. She's the cutest thing ever, and he really loves his girls.
"Daddy," Lizzie whispers. "Daddy, my tummy still hurts."
Jared hmmms and sets her down on the couch. "I'm gonna go and get Jensen, okay? He'll know what to do to make you feel better." But Jared's not worried, not really. She ate too much, she threw up. Her stomach is probably just sore, but Jared wants to find Jensen anyway. Plus, Lazytown seriously creeps him out. Jared doesn't like things that look like people but aren't. He has issues with mannequins, too. It makes shopping sort of stressful.
Jensen's in the bedroom, asleep with his reading glasses on and something open on his chest. Jared smiles and sits down next to him, picks up the book-script, actually, it's a script-and sets it aside. The bedroom door is closed and the girls are fine, they're watching television and Lazytown has another half hour of freaky plastic people and gravity-defying dance moves left, so Jared feels pretty okay with pulling down Jensen's sleep pants and tonguing him awake.
"Jared?" Jensen mumbles sleepily. "What's going on?"
"I was gonna give you a blowjob, if that's all right."
"I think," Jensen gasps a little and Jared smiles against his thigh, sucks at the smooth skin there, "yeah. I think. Yes, I approve of the plan."
But then there's a knock at the door and Charlie saying, "Daddy?" so Jared pulls away with a groan, rolls off the bed and heads for the door while Jensen yanks his pants up.
"What's wrong, baby?" Jared kneels down, rubs his hands up and down Charlie's arms. She looks like she's about to cry.
"Lizzie's sick. She's crying. I think she's really sick."
Lizzie isn't really sick. She wants attention, she wants Jensen. Jensen takes her back to their bedroom and Jared goes into the girls' room, lets Charlie pick out a book. They all pile onto the bed and Jensen reads aloud, Charlie and Lizzie between them until the girls fall asleep. Jensen finishes reading anyway and Jared just closes his eyes and listens. He loves Jensen's voice, thinks Jensen could do really well as a voice actor. There was a script before, Jared remembers. Jensen was reading a script and he fell asleep.
He means to ask about it, but by the time they get the girls settled into their own beds, Jared's convinced himself it doesn't matter. If it's important Jensen will tell him. It's just a script, his agent probably sent it to him and it doesn't mean anything. Jared's not worried. There's nothing to worry about.
"Dude, your kid's a brat," he tells Jensen as they get ready for bed. Brushing teeth, exfoliating, fun stuff. Jensen inspects his front teeth in the mirror, flosses a little more and licks at them. It's sort of hot. Jared thinks it's sort of hot, which is pretty weird. Teeth aren't sexy. Jared's a weird guy though. "Your kid's a fucking cockblocker, man."
"So-wait. So, when she does something bratty, she's my kid. But when she does something cute, she's yours. Is that how this is working, now?"
Jared grins and grabs Jensen's hand, pulls him toward the bed. "Damn straight. See. See, the brattiness is totally genetic. And the cuteness is, like, socialized or whatever."
"Uh huh. You’re the one who let her eat so much, dickwad."
"I was teaching her a life lesson. It's, you know, two-fold, actually. Because one, she learned that eating too much pizza is a bad idea, and b, being bulimic would be painful and gross. I was saving her from a terrible adolescence of eating disorders. Now come on, I wanna suck you."
"Hmm." Jensen lets himself be pulled out of the bathroom, lets Jared shove him down onto the bed. "Well," he says, with a heavy sigh, like he's so long-suffering or something, having to put up with Jared, "I guess, you know. It's sort of the least you can do."
*
Before Anne was actually and officially pregnant, before the whole test tube mixing, baby-making science experiment thing happened and they were just talking about it, just looking through egg donor catalogues and joking about whether the chick sounded like she had big tits or not, before Jensen had to endure way too many digs about Jessica Alba and having part-animal bits-before all that, Jensen didn't really think too much about what it meant to have kids. He never really thought he would because, hello, gay and a man and really not equipped for that sort of thing, but Jared was so excited and had all these ideas and before he knew it, there they were on the floor of Jensen's-their, whatever, he was still getting used to the idea of them together and sharing and all that-apartment with brochures spread everywhere. No pictures, because they didn't want to be all superficial about it, but personality profiles, likes and dislikes, test scores, IQ scores. Jensen looked at all of it and thought it would be really cool to have a super baby. Although not if actual animal parts were involved. He was willing to give up the super baby status to ensure an all-human kid.
Jensen came home one night from rehearsal pretty much dead on his feet and wishing he'd never agreed to do this summer thing with the Neo-Futurists, because he loved the whole Too Much Light, short-plays thing and it was fun and exciting and every night was different with live theatre, but it was exhausting, too, so yeah. But Jensen came home after a show and it was two in the morning, it was a Saturday night and Jared waited up for him. He was just sitting there, grinning, and Jensen knew. Anne was pregnant. Knocked up. In the family way. It was done. Anne was going have their kid.
It wasn't until that moment that Jensen started freaking out.
When they found out it was going to be a girl, Jensen pretended to be all calm about it, but every other moment he felt like throwing up because how was he supposed to raise a girl? It never occurred to him that they'd have a girl. He just always thought during the whole selection process and forking over the cash for the eggs and the fertilization crap that they'd end up with a cute little boy and they'd teach him how to throw spirals and it'd be fun, they'd have, like, a little version of Jared. But a girl. A girl was something completely different. They could still teach her how to throw a perfect spiral, maybe, but there'd be other stuff, too. Dresses and dolls and girly stuff, and Jensen wasn't prepared at all.
After writing sessions in the dusty little theatre that housed the Neo-Futurist group, Zooey and Beth would shove book after book into Jensen's hands and say things like, "She has to be a feminist, Jensen, you can't let her turn into one of those spoiled little princess girls who goes to college to get her MRS and never wants to do anything important with her life."
"No Disney," Zooey told him about a million times. "Or like, maybe the shit about animals is okay, but don't let her near that princess crap. Especially The Little Mermaid. That shit will psychologically scar her for the rest of her life."
His stint with the Neo-Futurists ended soon after that and he had all this time to just sit around with Anne and watch her get fatter and fatter and worry and basically freak himself the fuck out. They found a permanent place in Chicago-their place in the co-op in Boystown because Jensen decided he wanted to live someplace where his kid wouldn't feel like a freak for having two dads. Chicago was big and busy and Jensen could do his theatre stuff here-more with the Neo-Futurists or maybe a season of Second City if he had the chops for it, if he could even get in. He read all the books Zooey and Beth gave him and they only made him freak out more. Childbirth was probably the most disgusting thing he could ever think of, but he was even more worried about the psychology stuff-the no Disney, gender-neutral toys, never let her feel like being a girl means being less stuff. It was really hard being a girl in American society, Jensen thought. It was really hard and really complicated, and he just. He already loved the kid. He already loved her, just feeling her kick around inside Anne. It was the coolest thing even if it was pretty gross, and he just really didn't want to fuck this up.
Jensen still reads the books, now, although less obsessively, and he thinks he's done a pretty good job with the girls. They've done a pretty good job, because Jared doesn't read anything Jensen gives him but he loves the girls enough for ten people and he wants what's best for them, always. Jared didn't really get the whole feminist thing at first, but he's pretty into it in his own way, Jensen thinks, and he tries. That's the most important thing. Jensen wants their girls to be strong and not afraid to be themselves, and Jared gets that. He gets that it's important.
Jensen still talks to Beth and Zooey sometimes and they're always begging him to come back and do Too Much Light again, but Jensen has the girls now and it's just too much of a time commitment. He did it again that first summer after Lizzie was born and it was great, it's always great to perform and write and act, but the girls needed him and Jared was getting more and more offers and they'd already asked so much of Anne. It wasn't fair to ask her to give up even more of her life to hang out at the house when Jensen and Jared were both gone, so that was pretty much it.
"I love being with them," Jensen tells Beth, poking idly at his salad. They're eating in the theatre because Beth doesn't have a lot of time, the show is really packed this week and they have to get the timing just right. Jensen remembers what that was like, the whole thirty-plays-in-sixty-minutes thing, the adrenaline rush and the audience shouting out the numbers of the sketches they wanted to see, the sound of the clock ticking down over all of it.
"I hear a 'but' in there." Beth takes a huge bite of her sandwich and motions for him to get on with it.
Jensen frowns. "But, yeah. I love being with them, but I'm just, you know. I feel weird about it. I don't do anything. I'm like a freaking soccer mom or something, it's fucking sick."
"There's nothing wrong with staying at home," Beth says. "It's as much a job as anything else, just less recognition and less pay."
"No, I know. I mean, I'm not, like, devaluing it or whatever, but you know. Fuck, I feel like a terrible person saying this, but-it's not enough sometimes. I spend all my time with little kids and it's like, I need an adult conversation, I need to do something that isn't about them."
"It's the feminine mystique," Beth says. "I pretty much hate Betty Friedan, but she was totally right about it. You have the housewife blues, Jensen. Which is actually pretty hilarious." Beth grins.
"It's not, okay? It's not. I feel fucking guilty as hell, here. I love my kids. I should want to be with them and I shouldn't-it's not that I resent them, exactly, because I don't and they're the best thing we ever decided to do, but. It's just, I dunno. It's hard."
Beth laughs. "And what-you thought it'd be easy?"
"Not easy." Definitely not easy, Jensen thinks, considering the sheer number of freak outs he's had over the past five years. "Just-different. And, um, I sort of, I got an offer. A movie offer."
"That's great, Jensen! Is it any good? I didn't know you were going back to work. You should've told me, I could've gotten you in on Too Much Light this summer."
"No, it's not-I'm not sure. I mean, the script is." He sighs and stabs his fork through a cucumber. "This script is amazing and I really want to do it, but we just. I haven't worked since the girls were really little and it's so much. It's maybe too much and it would be sort of a big deal and a lot of change so I just, I don't know."
Beth points her fork at him and narrows her eyes. "You do know," she says. "It's the feminine mystique, baby. The girls will probably always be the most important thing in your life, but they're not the only thing, okay? You have to let yourself know that and be okay with that."
Jensen frowns. "Stop analyzing me. I know what you're doing, Ms. I-Was-A-Teenaged-Psych-Major."
Beth just smiles. "My degree was expensive and useless, and I have the student loans to prove it. But you know I'm right."
"You just want me to start working again so you can use my pretty face to draw crowds."
"Oh Jensen. It was never your face that got people buying tokens. You know we only love you for your ass."
"Understandable," Jensen says, and smirks. "Did they have yoga in Betty Freidan's day? Because if there's one thing about the feminine mystique, it's that it cultivates some fine booty."
Jensen doesn't think about it again until he's on his way home and he walks right by the library and thinks, maybe they have some Betty Friedan. The librarian doesn't even blink at his request, just points him toward the women's studies section. Jensen's read most of the books here because he has a lot of free time and he really does care about this stuff, and he finds The Feminine Mystique right away, flips through it a little. He doesn't know how much it really applies to him because he's not unhappy or whatever, but he sort of sees her point about wasted potential and how life is more than just that one thing. It's more than just your kids, no matter how important they are, and it's not something to feel guilty over-wanting more.
Jensen's not unhappy or whatever, but he's maybe discontent. It would be a big change, he thinks, but so was the whole thing with Jared and having the girls. They were the biggest things that ever happened to him, but they were the best things too, so maybe. Maybe it's time.
*
Jared has this theory about watching television, about how most people will just sit there in front of the box and watch what's in front of them and not think about it or be, you know, really involved in the whole thing. But Jared has this theory, or well, really, Alexis had this theory that she kind of forced onto Jared back in the day when they were pretending at dating, about how television is like reading and it should be an active experience. It's not enough to just sit there and watch and passively accept. You have to take in what you're watching and think about it and analyze it.
This is what Jared always tells the girls, only he uses much smaller words and tries to do it by example. The girls watch maybe more television than people say kids should watch, but that's okay because television was sort of his life for a while, his and Jensen's, so it's pretty important and he just, he wants the girls to be able to appreciate it, even if it's just the freaky show about the dust bunny village beneath the couch or something.
They don't have a scheduled television time or anything, but they have TiVo so it's pretty easy and then the girls don't have to watch commercials. Jensen doesn't want them watching commercials anyway, unless they're for like, iPod or something, because he thinks they're morally corrupt and make good music bad. Jared thinks that really, Jensen just doesn't want the girls seeing Barbies on TV and begging for them.
So they don't have a schedule but when he's home, Jared likes to sit down with the girls and watch their shows with them. Jensen's usually doing other things, checking his email and keeping up with his football stats and shit, so Jared gets the girls to himself and he can just spread out on the couch with them on either side of him, snuggling in close, and watch. Active watching, he tells himself, and turns on the television.
Charlie and Lola is Charlie's favorite, of course it is. "Why is it your favorite?" Jared asks her after the first episode. The episodes are short, only seven or ten minutes long, usually. "What makes it so good?"
"I like Charlie," Charlie says. "I think, um, he's a good brother and he loves Lola."
Lizzie giggles and leans against Jared. "Lola's funny," she says. "She's mean sometimes."
They talk about the episode, about how Lola pretended to be sick to stay home from school and Charlie was really worried about her, about what that means and how Charlie might've felt when he found out Lola was lying. Jared can't wait for the girls to get older so they can start watching real television. He can't wait to show them Buffy. He thinks Jensen might even watch, then. But this is good for now.
Because Buffy is all about the big things and love conquering all and sacrifice and it's-Jared wishes he'd watched it when it was on television the first time. Jared's sort of a dreamer, he knows this, and he believes in love. It sounds stupid and it's not something he talks about because who says things like that, really, but he does, he believes. He's only been in love three times and only one of those ever lasted long enough to make him ever think, this is the one, and that's Jensen, so, yeah.
And it's not, it wasn't something he was looking for or even thinking to look for. It just happened and it took a while; it took a long time. He kept thinking Jensen would get tired of waiting, get frustrated and leave and maybe that's what Jared was aiming for because the whole gay thing wasn't something he wanted. But it happened and Jensen didn't give up and now, yeah, Jared's pretty fucking glad about that. Everything just sort of clicked one night and he thought, this is it. This is it, and he hasn't questioned his decision since.
"Daddy," Lizzie says. "Daddy daddy daddydaddy!" She pokes him in the ribs and bounces up and down on the couch.
"You're being very annoying," Jared tells her.
"Yes! We wanna watch another one!"
"Are you going to stop being annoying? Are you going to actually sit still and watch and pay attention?"
"Yes, Daddy. Come on. Please?"
"Please, Daddy," this time from Charlie. She's trying to do a British accent like the kids on the show and it's too adorable. Jared can't help it, he's a sucker and his kids are the cutest things ever. It's probably good Jensen makes all the rules because Jared would never be able to stick to them.
"Fine, fine. One more. And then it's bedtime," Jared says, and smiles.
*
It's not like Jensen's waiting around for James Cameron to call. He's not, like, some junior high school girl whose best friend told her that the boy she likes best friend told her that Billy is thinking about maybe asking her to the dance and would she say yes if he did. For one thing, because if Jensen was any kind of girl, he'd totally be the shy girl who reads books on the bleachers at school and listens to Nine Inch Nails and hates the world for making her too pretty to be able to pull off grunge. Or something. But also, because he's not waiting. He just, you know, happens to have decided to stay home from yoga today, and Jared offered to take the girls to the library, so he's alone. Home alone, and definitely not looking over the script and trying to figure out how he can possibly turn this down.
Because the thing is, it's pretty much the best role ever written.
James Dean. He'd get to play James fucking Dean. And not just that. He'd get to play gay James Dean. And it's Van Sant, which means it'll be either incredibly brilliant or mind-numbingly boring, but. James Dean! Because apparently, or at least according to Wikipedia, James Dean was pretty gay, or maybe bisexual, but definitely not straight. The whole idea is sort of blowing Jensen's mind, but he's not waiting for Cameron to call, because it's not like he can do it, anyway. Jensen's the one who said, "You have a job and I'm sick of network politics anyway, I need a break. I'll stay home." And it's not like Jensen meant forever and Jared knows that, Jensen's sure he does, but the girls aren't even in school yet, so he really. He can't do it.
Except that now, he maybe really really wants to.
But Cameron doesn't call and then Jared and the girls are home, and Jared somehow thought it would be a great idea to bring home McDonald's, which is possibly one of the most purposefully stupid things he's ever done, especially after the Boston Market fiasco.
"But Jensen," he says calmly, popping open the happy meal cartons for the girls and sitting them down at the kitchen table, "McDonald's tastes good. And look-toys!" He holds up a tiny red race car, smiling hopefully with big, wide eyes, like a stupid plastic toy is going to make Jensen forget about how McDonald's is responsible for the destruction of the rainforest, not to mention factory farming and the beef industry's-
"Dude. Is that a transformer?" Innocent cattle being horribly tortured is pretty bad, Jensen thinks, but transformers almost make up for it. And besides, Jared already bought the food, and later, when the girls get sick off of poor-quality meat, Jared can clean up the mess. He'll learn his lesson, Jensen will have transformers, and everyone will be happy.
"You're so easy, man," Jared says, smirking a little and taking a long sip from his coke.
"I wanted the doll," Lizzie says, poking at her hamburger sullenly, "but Daddy said no because. Because he's mean."
"Daddy said the doll represents the, the patriotical oppresionism of women," Charlie adds.
"Patriarchal oppression, baby," Jared corrects, smiling. "But that was really close."
"I don't care about patriots," Lizzie says. She crosses her arms over her chest and glares at her food. "Daddy's mean and I want the doll! Cars are dumb. Cars make pollution."
"Jensen," Jared says, frowning, "we're terrible parents."
Jensen's not really paying attention, though, because, dude-transformers! He hasn't seen one of these since he was a kid. They're still the coolest thing ever. He just wishes he had more, or maybe the ones that you stick altogether to form the mega transformer. Optimus Prime? Or is that from Star Trek?
The phone rings and Lizzie scrambles out of her chair to answer it. "Hello?" she says. The phone is almost as big as her head. She frowns. "No, this is Lizzie. Who's this?" She pauses, takes the phone away from her ear and covers the speaker with her hand. "Daddy," she says to Jensen, "It's a man called James. He sounds old. And mean. Are you here?"
Jared gives him a questioning look and Jensen ignores it, takes the phone from Lizzie and tries not to think too much about what's going on. "James," he says, "sorry about that. My kid likes to answer the phone."
"It's fine. I take it you've read the script."
"I. Yeah, I did."
"Great. I'm faxing the details over to your agent. We start filming next month, and if everything goes according to schedule, we want to premier it at Sundance, try to find a distributor."
"James, I." He looks at Jared eating his burger, at Lizzie covering her fries in Ketchup and Charlie spinning the wheels on her transformer. "I really want to do this, but. I can't. I have, you know. I have a family. I can't just leave."
Cameron sighs. "Lots of people have families, Jensen. You have to do this. It's not a lot of money, but it's a great role and if you don't do it, I'm going to have to ask DiCarprio. I know how you feel about him."
"I hate you," Jensen says, closes his eyes and leans his forehead against the fridge. "I'm gay, you know that, right?"
"You say that like it's a secret."
"Um. Kind of it is."
"Honey, everyone knows. So, I'll fax the details and let Gus know you're in."
"I really, really hate you."
"I know. I'll see you in a month."
*
Jared still remembers when Anne was pregnant with Charlie, still thinks about it a lot. She was living with them then, and Jared had taken time off of working during her third trimester. He wasn't even doing voice over work then, it was just him and Jensen and Anne in their new place in Chicago, the new condo they'd just bought that Jensen still called an apartment, because "dude, it has a number, it doesn't matter if we own it or whatever."
Anne was huge. Her ankles hurt all the time, and he and Jensen used to sit on the floor in front of the couch to massage them. And they'd talk to the baby. To Charlie, who didn't have a name yet, and who they'd end up calling Charlotte or 'baby' or 'girl' until Lizzie was born and they had to get more inventive.
"Hey, baby girl," Jensen would say, and press his cheek against Anne's belly, which Jared privately thought was pretty gross, because pregnancy? Really not pretty, like, at all. But Jensen read all these books about childbirth, What to Expect When You're Expecting and all that, even though he wasn't even the one that had to birth the kid.
"We have to talk to her when she's in the womb, J," he'd say, lips moving a little as he read, glasses perched so precariously on his nose that Jared was sure they'd fall off. Jensen would read in bed, and when he got to any particularly disgusting descriptions about, like, placenta and afterbirth and how, sometimes, the perineum tears in childbirth and that's why Anne should have a C-section because, "dude, she's already doing us this huge thing, we don't want to ruin her vagina for life, too" he'd read out loud so Jared could suffer having to know this shit, too.
The whole thing was pretty weird. Pretty weird and sort of gross, and the fact that Jared didn't even like looking at Anne's big belly even if it was his kid inside, much less touch the damn thing, sort of made him wonder if this was such a good idea at all. It was his idea. He was the one who said, "It's you forever, Jen, and I want to have kids with you." And yeah, so he'd said it when they were fucking, when he was so deep inside Jensen he felt like he'd lose his mind, but he'd meant it. He'd meant it then, he meant it now. But now he was the one who was freaked out by the entire disgusting, fluid-filled baby-birthing process, and it sort of made him wonder. If he was cut out for this. For being a dad. For doing this huge thing with Jensen, because once it was done, there was no turning back.
When he called his mom and told her, he thought he might start crying and he got hooked on his own words, but then she said, "JT, that's your child and I have no doubt you'll love it when it comes out."
"Her," Jared said. "It's, you know. It's a girl. So, her."
And then Charlie was born, and his mom was right like always, he did love her. He maybe loved her more than anything, even Jensen, until Lizzie was born. He never believed his parents when they gave him that "we love you all equally" shit, but he does now, because it's true. He loves them, he loves his girls, maybe a little bit more than he loves Jensen even, but not by much.
He loves his girls and he loves Jensen, which is why, when Jensen hangs up the phone and gives him this look, this confused, hurt look, like he's got something important to say and can't quite find his words, Jared just shakes his head once, quick, so the girls don't see, and mouths, "Later." If Jensen's going to. If he's going to leave, leave Jared, take the girls, or leave all of them. If he's going to leave like the sudden empty hole in his stomach is telling Jared that's what this is all about, because what else could make Jensen look like that? If Jensen's going to leave them, or him, Jared doesn't want the girls around for that argument. His parents argued enough when he was little, when they were going through their four-year-long rough patch, and he doesn't want the girls to go through that.
Jared finishes his dinner, suddenly thinking that McDonald's was the worst idea he's had pretty much ever, despite the transformers and everything, because now he feels like he might throw up. He folds his hands together under the table, laces his fingers and clenches and tries not to wonder about that look Jensen gave him. He tries to think about the girls, makes sure they don't eat too fast or drink too much at once or accidentally swallow transformer pieces or whatever, but it's hard, it's really hard to concentrate, and the only thing he can really think is, Who's James?
He's pretty sure Jensen's not cheating on him, because unless he has a Time Turner or something, there's no way Jensen has enough free time in the day to stray. But he's not happy, either, and Jared knows it. Has known it for a while now. It's gotten harder and harder to make Jensen smile and it used to be so fucking easy. Jensen loves the girls as much as he does, but they're not enough for him and Jared knows that, too. He just. He hasn't wanted to really think about it because he's not sure what that means, and maybe they rushed into have kids and having Charlie, but Jared's not sorry about that, either. He can't be. But that doesn't mean he wants Jensen all unhappy and itchy like he is now. All controlling because he's too sharp to only be doing this and he doesn't have anything else to concentrate on except what foods are bad and the girls shouldn't have caffeine and anti-bacterial soap will ruin their immune systems.
Jared collects the McDonald's wrappers, crumples them up and shoves them in the paper carryout bag they came in, tries to send calm, happy vibes to the girls and hope they don't notice anything's wrong. He shoves the trash in the recycling bin, empties the leftover ice from their drinks into the sink, pulls out the plastic straws and lids and throws them in one bin, the paper in the other. Behind him, Jensen is telling the girls to go play outside in the courtyard, he and Jared want to watch from the screen porch and see how high they can get on the swings.
The girls run out, racing to the swings, competitive already, just like him and Jensen. Jensen takes his hand, pulls him out back to their tiny screened-in porch just big enough for a loveseat and the old wicker chair Jensen bought at a yard sale from the ancient woman down the street their first week in the condo. It's uncomfortable as hell but Jensen refuses to get rid of it and Lizzie likes to sit in it now, pile it up with pillows and run her fingers along the basket weave. The old woman died last year, Jared thinks. She maybe had cancer, or she was just too old. Something.
Jensen pulls him down onto the couch and doesn't let go of his hand. They just watch the girls for a minute, Charlie giving Lizzie a few starter pushes on the swing before jumping on the other one, their legs pumping, faces glowing orange and pink in the late afternoon sun. Jared can hear them a little over the sound of the red line train rumbling past a few blocks west, shrieking little mindless sounds that only kids can make.
"Hey," Jensen says, and kisses him once, soft, and then again, a little harder. Jared doesn't let himself think about what it might mean.
"Hey," Jared says back. Then, "What's. C'mon, Jensen. You gotta talk to me, here. You're freaking me out, okay?"
Jensen nods. "It's. It's not what you think. I'm not, there's not someone else, and I'm not leaving, okay? I wouldn't. You know that."
Mind reader, Jared thinks, but says, "Yeah. I do. Yes." He does. Jensen wouldn't leave. This is their life, this is love. He wouldn't just leave.
"That was, um." He laughs a little. "That was James Cameron on the phone and he wants. He wants me to do this film. And I think. I think I'm going to do it."
"Oh." Jared can't help but feel slightly gypped. He was all geared up for a big fight, and then this. Except, "But we decided. I mean, you said you were done, at least until the girls-they aren't even in school yet, and I thought-"
"I know, okay? I know what I said." Jensen's still holding his hand, but he's squeezing now, tight, and it hurts just a little. "But this is. Jared, you have to read the script. I can't not do it. It's. You knew, going into this, that I would go back to acting one day. You know how much I love it. And it's maybe sooner than we thought, but man. This part. I can't turn it down."
"I. I don't know what to say." Jared doesn't have his next project lined up. It's not like this is inconceivable, but he's going to have to start promo for his last couple films soon, and one of them was less Indie, more blockbustery, which means red carpets and being seen and maybe doing some talk shows. Which has never been a problem before, but Jensen was never working before and they always said no leaving the girls with their moms, that they wanted to raise the girls themselves.
"It's. Things will have to change, and I know it's a lot to ask, but Jared. I need it, you know I do. And I've waited and fuck. I love the girls and I love you, but I love acting, too. I sound so fucking retarded right now, but that's how it is."
"You don't sound retarded." Jared tries to smile, but he can tell he doesn't quite manage by the pained look on Jensen's face.
"And I want to come out," Jensen says then. "I want us to come out, together. And just, you know, it's not a big deal. Just act like it's not, because it's not, and we're not even that famous anymore so it's not like people will care."
"You don't think people will care that we've been lying to them for the past six years?"
But Jensen doesn't answer because the girls are running up the back steps, slamming the screen door behind them and trying to climb onto the couch even though there's no room. Lizzie is breathless and grinning on his lap, squirming around and shrieking loud when Jared tickles her ribs. He does smile then, looks at Jensen bouncing Charlie up and down on his knees and thinks, this kind of sucks right now. It sucks a lot, and he doesn't know what's going to happen because Jensen's asking something pretty impossible, but he's not going to leave, and that's something. It's maybe everything that matters.
*
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