(no subject)
well this entry is the one thats gonna hurt the most to write... well where do i start?
k so i met this guy named pat sometime back in like october of 2004. we hung a few times and then started dating, we gradually grew closer and he started telling me things and met my family and friends and i his family and friends well then i found out about this girl lauren, the first girl he ever loved and was still in love with and not over her but he hasnt seen her since they broke up nor have they talked (to my knowlegde but we'll get more into why i trusted this later) so i told him i didnt mind at the time because we were just dating nothing serious well by december right before christmas he breaks up with me... we didnt break up for very long but enough to know i still wanted to be with him cause we already started to care for each other. i ended up losing my virginty to him on december 29th because we had gotten back together and he meant a lot to me... to this day i dont regret it! everything was going great after that we had spats here and there and i fell in love with him i mean like head over heels in love with him, no it wasnt because of the sex i can handle not having the sex we shared. well my parents found out about us having sex the day before prom and my dad wasnt going to let me go to prom and i wasnt allowed to go anywhere and pat wasnt allowed over, pat said he was willing to take me out of the house move me in with a family thats like his 2nd family and we'd move in together we'd work 2 jobs and get an apt and go to school i didnt know what to do as we all know i dont like my dad very much but my mom calmed him down and i was able to go to prom but they called my sister and pat over and they decided to have a discusion it started out my parents just talking about not having sex, pat was shit scared that my dad would beat his ass but that didnt happen he also told my brother so he wouldnt give me shit about it... my dad asked questions and i didnt answer any, i dont really answer questions unless they are like pulled out of me, and laurie started getting on his case about lauren which pat didnt like at all he got pissed off and left i didnt say anything in his defense, the subject was so touchy cause i didnt want to choose a side i did make myself ramen and iced tea but the ramen was at the very beginning and the iced tea was right there... pat imed me on the computer saying 'FUCK YOU!!!!" so i talked to him on there for a bit and then called him at home, he got on my case about not sticking up for him and eating lunch and i asked him about prom (which was in a few hours) and he asked if laurie was gonna be there and i said yea shes taking pictures but he didnt want her to say anything to him and laurie said she was and she wanted me to get off the phone but pat wanted to hear what she had to say laurie told me he was controlling me by things like these and i tried to stick up for him cause i loved him and idk what came out if anything while laurie was talking (i was already crying) pat yells to get my attn then he tells me "we are breaking up" i dropped the phone and cried the hardest ive ever cried in my life at that moment i just wanted to die i didnt want anything more than to die nothing was gonna help and my sisters literally hated him since that day, its one of those pains u can never forget i guess its like the pain of going through labor just its an emotional pain my dad and sister were there to comfort me and they made me find another prom date so i called ash and she couldnt and i called crys and she couldnt then i called a guy cause they were pressuring me to bring a guy (laurie and my dad) so i called my friend andy cause he goes to our school and i knew he could get in while we went to laurie's work to pick up some hot rollers on the way to her house to get me ready pat called and asked if we could still go to prom and i wanted to bring him so bad we promised to make it the best yet he said he even bought a tux for me that was a suprise ive been waiting to find out for like 2 weeks before i was getting ready to call andy when my sister asked who it was and i told her it was pat she asked what he wanted and i told her we were going to prom together and that i was gonna call andy (who lives in hastings and was taking work off for me) laurie and liana (lianas lauries best friend) wouldnt let me go with him i wanted to soooo bad but i decided to take my sisters advice but no offence to andy cause hes such a great friend but i would still rather have brought pat so then we stayed broken up for about two weeks... like two weeks ago me and pat got back together it was our decision... we both were hurting so bad being apart from one another (i forgot one detail right after pat broke up with me he imed me and said he loved me) man i wanted him so much during our break it hurt all i wanted was him all i could think about was being with him and there was hope of getting back together i still wore his ring daily and we decided to hang out and i had somethings for him that i wanted to give back just in case we werent getting back together well on the way to work i decided i wanted him back and the final decision rest on him and he agreed we were looking for something in the twin city catering vans and we hugged then kissed... the kiss was so passionate FOR him that i actually cried during two of them after being together he started being very distant at first i understood he didnt want to jump right back in but all i wanted was him and it seemed like there was another girl or like anything i did just basically annoyed him i wasnt "cute" anymore i guess he didnt say anything like that but thats how i felt... the distance thing was bothering me, he didnt wanna come over as much because he hates my family but then it came to he didnt care if he didnt see me as much anymore when we used to spend every day together and if i didnt get to talk to him eh hed have fun but id be on his mind then it got to the point where wed cuddle on the couch and i was too cuddly and this was more than just one day usually we are super cuddly and i decided to talk to him about it cause it was bothering me especially when he asked me for a backrub and i was doing it to hard or too soft and then i found the right pressure and i stopped halfway through and he got up and wouldnt let me finish and he got all pissy we went outside on my back porch and started talking and he decided we should break up i started crying he was sorry kissed my forehead and walked away i decided to grab him and ask him to try to work things out and i let him know that if he walked out on me then we probly wouldnt get back together and he did he made me let of his hand which i was griping for dear life and grabbed my head kissed my forehead like before and walked away with out saying goodbye or looking back it hurt soo bad not as bad as the first but pretty damn close... everything reminds me of him i just want to die right now i cant help but be mad and cry... and i dont know how im gonna work tomorrow :(